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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave the children at home while they’re napping?

453 replies

ParkLife123 · 17/10/2019 16:43

Please hear me out.

House has a driveway outside, and then the street. On the other side of the street is a playground which my DS aged 4 loves. We go out there to play as often as we can but usually all four of us (me, DS, his younger brother aged 2, and newest addition our 5 month old baby).

I’m considering, in order to be able to spend a little quality 1:1 time with DS, taking him occasionally across the street while the other two nap. House is alarmed. I have baby monitors looking into their cots - the two year old cannot get out of his cot yet and in any case there’s also a baby gate at the door.

But really any sign of movement or noise from either of them and I get an alert on my phone.

The time it takes to get back home from the playground realistically is around 1 minute.

Is this a terrible idea? I’ve thought about the risks of them choking or something but also think that I would be able to get back home in the same time as it would take me to get to them if I was for example in the shower!

Does it sound fine or is it a risk no one else would take?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
ParkLife123 · 17/10/2019 23:46

@Xalia I know! Like talking to a brick wall...

OP posts:
WoesFromAuntFlo · 17/10/2019 23:49

Jesus Christ, everyone on Mumsnet seems to have a serious anxiety problem. A minute is about as far as some peoples big gardens and I’m pretty sure that no one is going to not hang out in their garden when they have a newborn. The hysteria on mumsnet makes me feel more anxious than anything else, I always feel like something terrible is going to happen just because someone at mumsnet says it’s going to. I think we could all do with a big group therapy session,

Rhi11 · 18/10/2019 00:08

@Rhi11 gosh I’ve had so many silly ideas it would take too long to post them all and besides, I’m a little busy right now tending to my newborn who has just been bitten by my toddler who miraculously learned how to jump out of his cot and climb two stair gates, climb into his baby sister’s cot and bite a person for the very first time, while the house has spontaneously combusted of course. So much to do!

Anyway I think you should of bypassed mums net and just asked your health visitor. :)

VenusTiger · 18/10/2019 00:10

Think worst case scenario OP. If you’re out, you'll be in serious trouble. You’ll be charged with neglect.
Not worth it.
Phones and monitors are not people.

Graphista · 18/10/2019 00:11

I may only have the one child myself but in a variety of ways, including having been a nanny and childminder I have a LOT of experience caring for young children including multiples.

I’m also an ex nurse and while I wasn’t a paediatric nurse as part of my training I did rotations in paediatric wards.

For starters 1 minute is actually a very long time in terms of baby/toddler health especially in an emergency. It literally is the difference between life and death in MANY scenarios. And even if not death then certainly life changing even life limiting changes to that child’s health. It doesn’t even have to be as extreme as baby turning blue, any significant reduction of oxygen to the brain can have very serious consequences. I’ve nursed babies who’ve choked on pieces of food, or vomit or phlegm who’s caregivers weren’t as nearby as they should have been and who survived but who were left with brain damage. I’ve also nursed babies who had suffered burns/scalds which again would not have been as bad an injury had their caregivers been closer by. This can result in shortened lifespan. One child I cared for was 8 and had been badly scalded as a 2 year old, she’d had multiple skin grafts and other treatments I later learned she died just before the age of 10 as an indirect result of the injury and the necessary treatments.

The advice to not leave a baby under 6 months SLEEPING in a room alone is because (iirc been a while since I read the research)

1 yes so parents can respond quickly if there is an extended lull in breathing

But also

2 because being slightly roused on occasion by the noise of others actions rather than going into a fully deep sleep at this age is believed to be beneficial in preventing sids. It’s believed that part of the problem with sids is babies of this age slipping too deep into that state of unconsciousness

3 it’s believed babies are subconsciously aware of the others’ in the rooms breathing and that this prompts them to keep breathing themselves - yes I’m aware that’s a massive simplification of the theory but I hope understandable.

Op there has been so much research into sids and the current guidelines HAVE been shown to be successful in reducing the risk.

I’ve met people who’ve lost infants to sids. It destroys families, couples, it wrecks lives it’s an absolutely horrific thing to go through and I’ve met people who had lost infants to sids 3,4 decades before I met them as well as those for whom the loss was more recent, and it was like it had just happened, they blame themselves, each other (within couples), they are desperate for concrete answers and sadly as yet we don’t have them.

I genuinely don’t understand anyone who doesn’t follow the guidelines. They’re not difficult to follow and could well prevent a tragedy.

Personally I don’t think the guidelines on sids are portrayed seriously enough, and I would have paediatric first aid (good courses include education on noticing and preventing hazards) taught to all soon-to-be parents. It would prevent not only many tragedies but also many A&e paediatric admissions.

I’ve also personally survived 2 house fires and I can tell you that the smoke, difficulty in breathing, inability to see all happens incredibly quickly and is absolutely bloody terrifying, and the fire itself spreads astoundingly quickly too and there can be explosions and flash overs it’s utterly petrifying! I had training on how to get out of a fire and I still struggled to overcome my panic to follow that training. That experience led to me training my own dd from a fairly young age on what to do in a fire, she has a tendency to “flight” as a fear response and when young that included hiding which is the LAST thing you need a young child to do in this scenario, I even did “drills” with her. I was so glad I did when at one point a ndn had a gas explosion and we had to evacuate with a lot of smoke and frightening noise going on and rather than hiding she stayed put and shouted “mum” at the top of her voice until I got to her (house, I was downstairs at the time she was in her room)

Kids and especially babies can get into trouble in a blink of an eye, whoever is looking after them needs to be as near as possible and ready to respond to that.

“As if you’ve never left the room your baby sleeps in

Take the Moses basket into the toilet do you?” I can honestly say I have NEVER left a baby under the age of 6 months in a separate room while they were asleep since that advice became known and that’s over 20 babies that applies to including my own, and as I said includes when I was looking after multiple children. If I needed the loo or whatever I just waited they don’t sleep for long at that age.

She is now 18, she turns 19 next feb and the sids advice of back to sleep and not to leave them sleeping alone under 6 months was the case even then indeed a quick google reveals the campaign started in 1991. So it’s not new information.

And quite honestly I find your claims that you believe WE are the ones being dishonest are offensive and insulting and belies a frighteningly lax attitude to child safety from you.

QueenieMum · 18/10/2019 00:14

OP if you think YANBU why are you on here asking your question? If you think "it's like talking to a brick wall" why are you still engaging with this thread? If you know plenty of people who've done it, why don't you take that as the permission you seem to be asking for?

Xalia · 18/10/2019 00:15

Omfg!! The hysteria.
OP is NOT going to do it!!

SayMista · 18/10/2019 00:15

Ok based on the photo, the park pretty much is in your back garden! However I still probably wouldn't risk it, esp with newborn, sorry

Xalia · 18/10/2019 00:19

It crossed OP's mind that's all. Not a crime and no need for the hysteria.

WoesFromAuntFlo · 18/10/2019 00:21

@xalia - a thread we agree on!

Huntlybyelection · 18/10/2019 00:24

Just to put your mind at rest OP, I didn't actually watch GoT with my 4 year old.

She got bored when Arya was fannying around in the house of white and black and thought Ramsey Bolton should have been more viscious with Reek.

Xalia · 18/10/2019 00:25

Graphista
You didn't ever nip to the loo when baby was asleep? Sorry, don't believe that!

Xalia · 18/10/2019 00:29

Woes who'd have thought...? Wink

BarbarianLaurie · 18/10/2019 00:33

I wouldnt do it but i have practically done it. mine slept in their own cots own room with a monitor since day 1, i never had a moses basket. Im a deep sleeper and could take a few minutes to wake and get to them to bfeed in middle of night. To never leave a baby alone for a few minutes ever is ridiculous.

Someone must have suggested - can you put baby in buggy? No. 2 learnt to nap in anything

minipie · 18/10/2019 00:45

still unsure why across the road put the babies more at risk than at the bottom of the garden?

The main differences for me are 1) there’s a road in between which means more time and more risk to get back home and 2) if you need to dash to attend to baby/toddler you can leave a 4 yr old alone in your garden for a minute, but you can’t leave them in a public playground across the road. So again quicker to get back as you don’t have to grab/carry/persuade 4 yr old to come with.

TheNumberOneSourceOfEverything · 18/10/2019 02:09

Cancel the cheque.

JenniferM1989 · 18/10/2019 02:18

I'm pretty sure the OP meant she hasn't spent every second in the room with her babies up until 6 months old while they sleep. It would be physically impossible with 2 other kids. The advice is to not leave your baby sleeping, as in for the night/long nap unsupervised! Of course it's fine to leave them sleeping in the moses basket or cot while you go for a pee, answer the door, tend to another child or have a quick shower. As long as you're checking on them every 15 minutes or so.

I never actually put my son upstairs to nap until he went into his own bedroom and cot at 7 months old and what I did up until then was put him down to nap in his carry cot in the living room but I would of course still leave the room to go and do the dishes or go to the toilet or low and behold, take the washing in from the line!

While I don't agree on leaving the kids to go to the park at all, I don't believe anyone on here has ever sat in the room with their baby from newborn to 6 months and watched them the entire time they sleep and haven't even left the room ever for a minute or so. Just think how ridiculous that would be? You can't stop sids when they are right next to you in your bedroom because you're asleep! Stopping sids is about creating the right environment, no smoking in the house or around the baby for example, keeping the room a good temperature, using a baby monitor. Sometimes though, it just can't be prevented and nothing actually caused it. You watching them take every breath every nap time though isn't really going to stop it as it would potentially still happen when you are asleep at night and unable to assist them. No one needs to have eyes on their sleeping baby at all times, never heard such stupidy!

8BumbleBee8 · 18/10/2019 03:20

Other people's fear does not belong to you.
If you feel that is ok and they are safe then go for it.

Mothership4two · 18/10/2019 03:29

Absolutely not.

What if something happened to you or ds while you were out? Can't believe you would even consider this.

And it is different to being in your garden as you can keep popping back in and you are literally by your house so can hear and/or react immediately

ColdCottage · 18/10/2019 03:33

Sounds fine to me. No difference than being at the end of your garden if you had a large home.

Lottle · 18/10/2019 06:59

Tbh I do know what you mean. When I'm in the shower I cannot hear DS for around 7 minutes. I have often wondered if I hipped out for five minutes that would be less time than having a shower! I'm on the fence. I don't think choking is a concern as there shouldn't be choking hazards in the cot. Choking is silient so you wouldn't always know even if you were home. I probably still wouldn't personally as it wouldn't feel right but I don't think you're mad for thinking about it. Could you do other things with DS in the garden or at home?

PrincessPain · 18/10/2019 07:17

I have a 5mo and a 2yo, I'm scared to leave them napping while I have a shower just incase I don't hear them.
I wouldn't go in the garden, even with a baby monitor!

hiddenmnetter · 18/10/2019 07:33

I understand your reasoning as actually we sit in our garden with the monitor when ds is asleep, possibly the same distance but this just feels completely different.

And that’s the crux of it- it feels different. But that doesn’t mean it IS different, and it sounds to me like the sensible precautions that OP has made would compensate for those extremely low risks mentioned anyway.

I’m not advocating going for a 30 minute stroll through the forest, but I’d say if you were less than a few minutes away you’re effectively in your own house anyway- the kind of delay involved in arriving back home could easily be replicated by other events within your own home (baby asleep upstairs and watching tv downstairs for eg). The extremely remote possibility of being unable to cross the road for some reason, is so remote as to suggest say, not having a shower while they’re asleep in case you slip and knock yourself out.

Life is risk, you have presented a reasonable risk management plan, no matter how it feels.

ThatMuppetShow · 18/10/2019 07:45

according to some MN views, if you leave your baby unattended in the garden - where cats, foxes, wasps, and wiling strangers or dogs can easily get to him, you are a wonderful parent.

If you dare leaving a baby safe in his cot in your own house, social services is on the case and you face deportation or god knows what.

Some posters are seriously hysterical - never having a shower or going to the loo whilst a baby was asleep? I fear for the kids who have been raised in such an anxious household, it's not healthy!
Babies have died of SIDS whilst in their parents bedroom sadly, so does it mean you'd take a sleep shift with another adult to be constantly monitoring? This is insane, honestly.

RolytheRhino · 18/10/2019 08:28

I fear for the kids who have been raised in such an anxious household, it's not healthy

Following guidelines is not a symptom of anxiety, it's simply best practice. It's not recommended for the fun of it, it saves lives.

Babies have died of SIDS whilst in their parents bedroom sadly

Yes, though being there does reduce the risk. For me it ultimately comes down to this: if, heaven forbid, OP's baby stops breathing in her totally silent house, the breathing mat alarm goes off immediately and OP races home, gets to the baby as soon as humanly possible but ultimately is unable to rouse them, will OP be able to live with herself after? I wouldn't, personally. Of you've followed all the guidance and your baby still dies it must be absolutely heartbreaking, but at least you'd know you'd done all you could. Would she feel the need to lie about where she was to the emergency services? If so, you've got your answer.