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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge this mum?

96 replies

Greedytiger · 17/10/2019 14:54

I’ve always been a live and let live sort of person but I just couldn’t let this one go.

Mum at playgroup with a baby that is 5 months old. Baby is huge (11kg) and mum tells me he has been weaning since 3 months. Fair enough, I know some do so I keep quiet.

However she tells me baby is so big he is in a forward facing car seat and has been since 3 months because she can’t lift him in the carrier anymore! I explain that it really isn’t safe and if she can’t lift him then just leave the seat in the car. I also explain that there are other choices of fixed seat that go to higher weight limits to keep him rear facing. Mum gets all huffy and now won’t talk to me!

WIBU to speak up and say something? I never usually do but I just couldn’t let it go!

OP posts:
moobar · 17/10/2019 14:59

It's difficult isn't it. I would also have judged.

My friend is in huff with me. She has three children. I have one. She wanted me to take second hand forward facing car seat for my DD. I said no, she has to be rear facing. She went nuts. Said I was accusing her of not knowing what she was doing, this is her third child, etc etc.

Thongalong · 17/10/2019 15:14

This reply has been deleted

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Lovemenorca · 17/10/2019 15:19

@moobar.

I’m confused. She was giving your daughter a lift somewhere?

amiapropermum · 17/10/2019 15:25

Lovemenorca, I think Moobar was offered a second-hand seat by her friend who was giving it to her to use in her own car for her daughter

circlesandquares · 17/10/2019 15:29

I don't think you're BU at all. You were just giving her helpful advice and thinking of the baby's wellbeing.

I'm guessing she's had other people say similar things to her, she's likely to be annoyed at continual criticism.

moobar · 17/10/2019 15:35

Yes sorry. She wanted to give met her old forward facing one for my baby, got really annoyed at me when I said no thank you. She asked why, I explained, she got more annoyed and said I was judging her for choosing forward facing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2019 15:43

I'd love to know the statistics. Falls, bikes, drowning and choking are the leading causes of accidental deaths of children. I wonder how many deaths caused by front facing seats there are.

Because I'm very dubious about the constant push to more and more car seats based on research done by car seats manufacturers. Works for government too, cheap way to look like they are caring without actually having to spend money.

Considering how many parents do all sorts of contraindicated things (I'm assuming including the OP) it's easy to be judgmental about something that is vanishingly unlikely to cause harm to this child.

Lovemenorca · 17/10/2019 15:51

Why didn’t you say thank you and save for when your daughter is old enough for front facing?

cometothinkofit · 17/10/2019 15:52

In my experience, other people don't always take kindly to being given advice they haven't asked for. Particularly when it could be perceived to be critical of the way they are bringing up their children.

Just a thought.

NewBlueGoo · 17/10/2019 15:57

I agree with MrsTerryPratchett.

gamerchick · 17/10/2019 15:58

IME people get really weird and defensive about cat seats.

I'd love to know the statistics. Falls, bikes, drowning and choking are the leading causes of accidental deaths of children. I wonder how many deaths caused by front facing seats there are

You can't really look at it like that though. Just watching stimulated accidents with both RF and FF and it's pretty obvious, even to the really blunt minded of folk which is the better option. I'd sit rear facing if I could.

ThatMuppetShow · 17/10/2019 16:03

Because I'm very dubious about the constant push to more and more car seats based on research done by car seats manufacturers. Works for government too, cheap way to look like they are caring without actually having to spend money

Have YOU been in a accident yourself? Or have you been on a train which had to break suddenly? You don't need a manufacturer to tell you the obvious difference, do you?

OP, that mother is pretty lazy and stupid - of course you judge, but you were absolutely right to tell her nicely that she was wrong.
It's not right to stay quiet when the well being of a child is the concern. I would be tempted to report her, it's easy to do it online with her number plate.

5 months is too young - fair enough not to leave a 2 year old rear-facing when you have to balance various points, but hers is just a baby.

Farfromtheusual · 17/10/2019 16:10

YANBU. I have someone on social media who posted a picture of her 9 month old in a forward facing car seat and I judged. She also thinks she's potty trained him so I guess that speaks volumes about her intelligence.

FurbabyMama · 17/10/2019 16:12

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say something to her politely, particularly when the safety of the child is involved, just in case she isn't aware. From memory, I think it's now illegal to have a child under 15 months forward facing, but I could be wrong about that.

I can also understand why she might feel judged and annoyed though, so I don't think you should take her response personally.

GinNotGym19 · 17/10/2019 16:13

11kg is 2 stone isn’t it? Are you sure a 5month old weighs 2 stone! Is that even possible?!
People really don’t like being criticised on their parenting. I’m sure she knows the car seat rules, everyone does!

limpbizkit · 17/10/2019 16:14

You were well meaning but I'd have kept my beak out. When it comes to patenting advice I think it can often be perceived as interference and judgement if not asked for

limpbizkit · 17/10/2019 16:16

Also agree with @MrsTerryPratchett

TheWolves · 17/10/2019 16:16

I wouldn't take unsolicited advice kindly. And for that reason, I wouldn't dole it out.

Plus, it's hugely unlikely that you would have harassed her into using a different death and then it just so happened that she had an accident and that was the crucial difference in injury.

CoolCarrie · 17/10/2019 16:16

I had a friend who used to pile her small children in her car, all five of them at the time, only one of them was in a car seat. We all said it’s not safe, but she knew best. Now she has eight dc, so god knows how she manages now. You were right to mention, but some folk just like they know better.

TheWolves · 17/10/2019 16:17

Different seat!! Not death!!

moonlight1705 · 17/10/2019 16:20

@GinNotGym19 my DD was just under 11kg by the time she was 6 months old so I guess its possible. She has now levelled out and at 8 months old is 11.7kg.

We just ended up getting a fixed rear facing car-seat, no big deal really.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2019 16:20

Mum gets all huffy and now won’t talk to me!

Of course she won't because she could sense you were busy judging her.

Think about your thread title. It doesn't say "AIBU to worry about this baby?" does it? Hmm

If judging her makes you feel better that's fine but don't expect her to be interested in your verdict.

OrangeSwoosh · 17/10/2019 16:22

There's a lot of research on the benefits of rear facing. Besides that, the law says they should be rear facing in the UK until 15 months. Sure, he may not fit in his infant carrier (mine outgrew his at about 4-5 months old) but every other fixed rear facing car seat out there (with the exception of one I think, which goes to 13kg) will have a minimum weight limit of 18kg.

I would judge. I'd also say something. With any luck, she will go off and do some quiet research and make a better decision regarding her choice of car seat.

The police have recently been doing stop checks on car seats in the local towns around me and it's been strongly welcomed by a lot of people if social media is anything to go by.

Fatted · 17/10/2019 16:27

You can judge in your head privately to yourself. I don't think you're really going to achieve anything other than an argument by voicing your opinion.

I weaned my kids early. I had lots of judging and lots of 'helpful advice' from people who were 'just concerned'. None of them changed my mind.

clickymad · 17/10/2019 16:29

That would be illegal where I live. They can't forward face until age 2.