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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To judge this mum?

96 replies

Greedytiger · 17/10/2019 14:54

I’ve always been a live and let live sort of person but I just couldn’t let this one go.

Mum at playgroup with a baby that is 5 months old. Baby is huge (11kg) and mum tells me he has been weaning since 3 months. Fair enough, I know some do so I keep quiet.

However she tells me baby is so big he is in a forward facing car seat and has been since 3 months because she can’t lift him in the carrier anymore! I explain that it really isn’t safe and if she can’t lift him then just leave the seat in the car. I also explain that there are other choices of fixed seat that go to higher weight limits to keep him rear facing. Mum gets all huffy and now won’t talk to me!

WIBU to speak up and say something? I never usually do but I just couldn’t let it go!

OP posts:

MarkinTime · 17/10/2019 17:24

I would have nicely told you to fuck off and take your ' advice ' with you.

clickymad · 17/10/2019 17:26

I would have nicely told you to fuck off and take your ' advice ' with you.

My bubz my fucking rulz hun.

Jaxhog · 17/10/2019 17:26

Err, she offered, you declined. She asked why, and you told her. What did she expect?

StanleySteamer · 17/10/2019 17:37

Rear facing is hugely safer, in any moving craft.
When an air cadet I had my first flight ever on a normal jet aircraft, a forces VC10, ALL the seats were rear facing. When I asked why, it was explained that a crash is far more survivable that way. You body weight propels you evenly into a nice cushioned but firm seat which stops you breaking your neck etc etc. So much more effective than the crash position you would be expected to assume in a forward facing seat.
If you have not braced yourself properly in a forward facing aircraft seat, you can hurt lower limbs, your head, your arms and even then, the belt can hurt you.
(See this for how to brace properly following recent research. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9773899)
The RAF wouldn't have gone to the trouble of doing it for nothing. So much easier to brace yourself upright in a rear facing seat with little danger of your head bursting through the seat to contact something behind it, unlike the real danger of your head colliding with the back of the seat in front of you in a normal situation.
But planes would have to be heavier thus using more fuel thus costing more.
So your friend should be using a rear facing seat, but don't try and tell her. She obviously doesn't want to know!

FavouriteSong · 17/10/2019 17:39

I would be concerned about the size of the baby than the car seat she's using. Why is he so big? She's setting him up for a lifetime of obesity related ill-health if she doesn't so something about it now. Surely her health visitor is aware of her early weaning and the child's weight.

Derbee · 17/10/2019 17:50

I’d judge her, so I’d say YANBU. She’s ignorant about car safety and safe weaning. Two of the most important things to protect and look after your baby. I wouldn’t even care if she got pissed off, as she’s not the sort of person I’d want to be friends with tbh. I’d rather have friends where we can trust each other with eachothers babies if need be, and there’s no way I’d trust her

SilverySurfer · 17/10/2019 17:51

Off tangent a bit. I know nothing about babies or their car seats but if it's a recognised fact that rear facing is safest, why don't they build cars with back seats rear facing?

Amanduh · 17/10/2019 17:52

Yanbu to judge. Yabu to lecture her, she didn’t ask for your opinion or a safety lecture.

haveuheard · 17/10/2019 17:55

My son was around that size, he was 9lb 11oz at birth and is still huge today (although about 98th centile not off the top of the chart). I managed to wedge him in a standard baby carrier car seat until 10 months. There is probably some sort of wedge or padding she needs to remove from the baby car seat.

However, useless giving anyone 'advice'. If they were interested they would have found out for themselves. I wouldn't have done it but to be honest wouldn't be bothered that she now isn't talking to me. Its hard work being friends with other Mums if they don't have similar attitudes to you.

moobar · 17/10/2019 17:58

@Lovemenorca because the one I've got does that. Really my point was she was getting cross at me for my decision. She wanted me to use the forward facing one now, I didn't want to. She can do what she wants to do, same for me.

Passmethepepsi · 17/10/2019 18:49

My 2 year old is 11kg so I cannot fathom a 5 month old being that weight?!?

makingmammaries · 17/10/2019 19:10

@MrsTerryPratchett, I’ve been present at expert meetings where the statistics of death and serious injury for toddlers in forward facing seats were discussed. I didn’t have children at the time, but swore I would never use them for babies because the statistics were utterly horrific.

hazeyjane · 17/10/2019 19:16

Bloody hell that is way over the very top centile! Are you sure he is 11kg??

Teachermaths · 17/10/2019 19:25

My 2.3 yo was 11kg.....I can't get my head round a 5 month old being that weight

StanleySteamer · 17/10/2019 19:28

SilverySurfer, they couldn't market them, although the Saab 95 estate could have a rear facing third row bench seat that folded up from the floor. We used to call it the rear gunners seat. Also, rear facing would be deathly if they didn't have head rests.
Also it is bad enough talking to rear seat passenegers from the front as it is.
This rear facing is safe stuff was only discovered long after cars then planes were invented. By then people were used to seeing wher they were going!

Breathlessness · 17/10/2019 19:32

They don’t make regulations for shits and giggles. YWNBU.

BristolianBangers · 17/10/2019 19:40

Have you had a name change fail, OP?
Yes I'd have judged this mum fur firstly having a giant baby that she started weaning way too early and has now set on a life of obesity. And secondly for the car seat. A young baby, no matter what the weight, does not have the bone strength or density to cope with a high speed forward facing crash. It amazes me how people are still so ill-informed about car seat safety. I was one of two people I knew who did extended rear facing when mine were young. I was really surprised that people just didn't know more about it. The law is slowly catching up.
YANBU OP.

Mrs1 · 17/10/2019 19:49

Farfromtheusual
Why is she not intelligent for thinking she had potty trained him?? I'm sure someone wouldn't make something like that up.. yes seems early but both mine were potty trained by 12-18 months and people find that hard to believe. My daughter was walking and talking by 9 months and very aware of what she was doing in her nappies but couldn't grasp the potty part. What is wrong with all you people judging. 9 months was the recommended age for a child to go into forward facing,when my eldest was younger, but most tried to push it until a year old as it also went on weight,its more dangerous to have a child too big in a car seat for a lesser weight.. everything changes even how a baby should sleep,or how we should make bottles (heaven forbid we wouldn't breastfeed)and we shouldn't use disposable nappies!!!! I understand safety but I slept on my tummy as a baby,was bottle fed,wore disposable nappies and sat in a forward facing carseat I'm still here and have produced 2 children with another on the way. Just let people make there own choices ffs. Should be called b*itchnet not mumsnet. So fed up of AIBU why does anyone need the internet's (strangers) advice on every move they make or conversation they have?! Crazy world we live in!!

JenniferM1989 · 17/10/2019 20:17

The maximum weight for most baby carriers is 13kg so I've no idea why people are saying their babies don't fit it them when they're only 11kg! Then when it comes to height, my son is at the very top of the percentiles for height and he even stayed in his baby carrier car seat until 10 months old. There's no way a 5 month old baby, even one that weighs 11kg, is too big height wise for the baby carrier. People are taking them out of the carriers far too soon, when they haven't even reached the weight limit yet. A 5 month old baby isn't going to put on 2kg overnight! You'd still get a good few months out of the carrier waiting for them to reach the weight limit so ffs, keep them it in as long as possible. 5 month old 'too big' for a baby carrier, ok then. Unless they're 13kg, they aren't. I've never heard of a 5 month old weighing 13kg. My son weighed 17kg at 2 years and 4 months old and he is very tall as well

Original poster

Greedytiger · 17/10/2019 20:43

@ BristolianBangers no name change fail- this is my first comment on this thread since writing it. I am not sure which other post you are assuming was me?

Yes the child is 11kg, he is huge. Very clearly over fed (she told me what he eats and the portion sizes and they sound ginormous), but even as a large baby a forward facing car seat at 5 months is just bonkers.

OP posts:

Breathlessness · 17/10/2019 20:51

’ I understand safety but I slept on my tummy as a baby,was bottle fed,wore disposable nappies and sat in a forward facing carseat I'm still here’

There are plenty of people who grew up when seatbelts weren’t worn in cars. Regulations were brought in to improve safety.

Mrs1 · 17/10/2019 21:08

So what age did your children forward face? I always wore a seatbelt,not like this woman is just chucking him in the backseat is it. She just has him forward facing,yes it's very young but he is also very big! And he is also her child no one else's!

Breathlessness · 17/10/2019 21:17

’he is also her child no one else's!’

And? Does that mean no one else can care if he gets hurt? Rear facing seats are safer. Two was my target but the longer the better.

KellyHall · 18/10/2019 08:05

I'd have said something too. People are always so bloody scared of other's possible reactions to speak up.

If she had taken your advice and had an accident, you might have saved the baby from a broken neck, or worse. Why would anyone not risk an uncomfortable discussion if it could potentially save a child?

If everyone cared a bit more, the world would be so much nicer. And if such conversations were more commonplace, maybe they wouldn't be met with such hostility (online or in real life!)

Lifeisabeach09 · 18/10/2019 08:14

Do you judge the dad too?

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