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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To judge this mum?

96 replies

Greedytiger · 17/10/2019 14:54

I’ve always been a live and let live sort of person but I just couldn’t let this one go.

Mum at playgroup with a baby that is 5 months old. Baby is huge (11kg) and mum tells me he has been weaning since 3 months. Fair enough, I know some do so I keep quiet.

However she tells me baby is so big he is in a forward facing car seat and has been since 3 months because she can’t lift him in the carrier anymore! I explain that it really isn’t safe and if she can’t lift him then just leave the seat in the car. I also explain that there are other choices of fixed seat that go to higher weight limits to keep him rear facing. Mum gets all huffy and now won’t talk to me!

WIBU to speak up and say something? I never usually do but I just couldn’t let it go!

OP posts:

CheshireDing · 17/10/2019 16:31

We have only just turned DC3 around and he is 3.5 years !
YANBU

maternity123qwe · 17/10/2019 16:31

The baby is 24lbs at 5 months?! Wow just wow!! Is it a sumo wrestler sized baby?

She’s brought it up so your not at fault for judging and mentioning safety advice. If she doesn’t want people to comment she should have kept it to herself!!!

Newbie1981 · 17/10/2019 16:35

I'm probably being a bit thick here, what is the reason for the rear facing seat? I did it because I read that I had to but didn't really understand why, I guessed was to do with the size of the baby but I guess not if what she is doing is so wrong

AndAnotherNameChanger · 17/10/2019 16:37

I don't have children and therefore don't know the first thing about car seats. I've just looked at the government website www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules
According to that you can either 1) choose a height based seat which needs to be rear facing until 15 months, or 2)choose a weight based seat - which doesn't have any age based guidance, and at 11kg it says a forward facing seat is ok.

Can someone please explain to me what this Mum is doing wrong?

Whattodoabout · 17/10/2019 16:41

I didn’t realise car seats existed that could only be forward facing, not for a baby this young. Sorry if I’m naive, I have four DC and once they outgrew the tiny baby one they switched to the ones that fit birth-7 years which are rear or forward facing.

Anyway, I would judge someone feeding a 3 month old solids. Truth is, we all judge other parents sometimes. Some parents are just shit, they make ignorant decisions and their children deserve better.

Celebelly · 17/10/2019 16:41

Car seat law in the UK is shite. Bare minimum safety testing required. Just because it's 'legal' doesn't mean it's the safest option. A five month old forward facing is fucking horrendous, but she probably sees it as some sort of milestone of what a 'big lad' he is

ThatMuppetShow · 17/10/2019 16:42

it's simply because, as accidents very rarely happen when you are reversing at full speed, there are much less risk of injury rear-facing for a baby.

You can feel the difference yourself if you sit in a train forward facing or rear facing when they break!

Valanice1989 · 17/10/2019 16:43

Of course rear-facing seats are safer. It's basic physics, isn't it?

Booksandwine80 · 17/10/2019 16:44

@MrsTerryPratchett

There is a hell of a lot of research to prove rear facing is safer for as long as you possibly can. If you choose not to or can’t thats up to you but you can’t argue with facts.

Celebelly · 17/10/2019 16:46

https://www.besafe.com/en/rear-facing-5x-safer/

Honestly, I firmly believe as parents we need to do our own research, not just accept what we are told at Mothercare or by HVs. There is a huge amount of info about car seats and rear facing, it would take 10 mins online to find out. Boggles my mind that people don't bother

pictish · 17/10/2019 16:46

Why couldn’t you let it go? Did she ask for your advice on which car seat she should be using?

Drabarni · 17/10/2019 16:46

I'd have left it tbh, all ours were forward facing, is this a new thing?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2019 16:48

Of course rear facing is safer.

I'm talking about relative risk. People on here are sniffy about reins and dummies, both of which are safer than not. But the judging goes the other way on those threads. BFing is better but 'fed is best'.

I think it's more about judging than it is about the very low risk of an infant death because of facing direction.

lyingwanker · 17/10/2019 16:49

I'm just shocked that a 5 month old is 11kg. My 2 year old is 😱

Celebelly · 17/10/2019 16:49

It's not just death, though. Its degree and severity of injuries. Car accidents, even minor ones, aren't hugely uncommon. Fatal ones are more so, but there are plenty of crashes that involve a spectrum of injuries from severe to minor.

Nat6999 · 17/10/2019 16:50

The law for rear facing seats covers seats made under the new trading standards. The front facing seats built under the old rulings have not been made illegal & are still allowed to be used. Yes this mum is making a poor choice but legally she is doing nothing wrong. It is up to her & her conscience what she does & really nothing to do with anyone else. As long as your own child is in the correct seat, that is where your responsibility ends.

AllFourOfThem · 17/10/2019 16:52

I'd love to know the statistics. Falls, bikes, drowning and choking are the leading causes of accidental deaths of children. I wonder how many deaths caused by front facing seats there are.

For babies I don’t think there is any doubt that rear facing is safer. However, totally anecdotally, four paramedics that I know (which are all the paramedics that I know) all have had their children forward facing from the age of two.

OP, I would usually judge someone like that as well as there is no reason to wean at three months. I am so astounded that she has been able to get a baby to eat high enough calories at that age to not only fill him up but also to weigh so much, that I would have question an underlying health concern.

No excuse for the car seat though. Assuming you are in the uk, it’s also illegal.

YouJustDoYou · 17/10/2019 16:52

Having seen the test dummy videos on youtube where the children dummies are decapitated due to forward force exertion on their little heavy heads in a crash, ynbu, to be honest.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2019 17:02

Obesity is overwhelmingly more likely to be the cause of death for this child.

Relative risk. Although people are notoriously terrible at assessing risk. We get the low-hanging fruit and don't actually think about the actual risks.

I assume no one with rear facing gives their child food in the car. Ever. Because choking is a bigger risk and rear facing makes that more likely. And all your children had dummies for the SIDS risk...

Idontlikeitsomuch · 17/10/2019 17:03

I have no clue really, but doesn't size of the baby matter more rather than the age of the baby?

SunshineCake · 17/10/2019 17:09

The weight of the baby is the most important thing. Not every child weighs the same at the same age.

We have three kids. We bought ten seats over the time they used them. Baby number 2 didn't use their older siblings first seat as they had improved by then so that was an extra seat. A couple more were replaced due to a test crashing into my car when she was being a dick.

Don't take risks and don't let others influence your parenting when you are right.

SunshineCake · 17/10/2019 17:13

Just because a paramedic does something doesn't mean it is the best or safest option. Some people just think bad things won't happen to them or their kids.

OrangeSwoosh · 17/10/2019 17:15

I assume no one with rear facing gives their child food in the car. Ever. Because choking is a bigger risk and rear facing makes that more likely. And all your children had dummies for the SIDS risk

I can honestly say that I've never felt the need to feed my rear facing child in the car (or in his buggy for that matter. He eats sitting at a table or sat on a picnic blanket if we're picnicking) and yes, SIDS was a consideration when we opted to use dummies

MissPepper8 · 17/10/2019 17:18

11kg is 2 stone isn’t it? Are you sure a 5month old weighs 2 stone! Is that even possible It's a stone and a half, my toddler who's 2 is just over 2 stone so I'd be shocked if she was that heavy. Its not terrible weight, if baby isn't crawling she'll keep it on until she starts moving around.

YANBU op, it's solid advice. She needs to check the weight limit on the baby carrier, I know it's not much on them as we moved DS out of his into a bigger size carrier at 5 months (wanted it to adapt with the pram) and it was still too heavy with him in it (and he was a tiny baby) so we just got a proper fitted car seat.

clickymad · 17/10/2019 17:23

I wouldn't even give a forward facing young child food they could choke on in the car either.

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