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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To judge this mum?

96 replies

Greedytiger · 17/10/2019 14:54

I’ve always been a live and let live sort of person but I just couldn’t let this one go.

Mum at playgroup with a baby that is 5 months old. Baby is huge (11kg) and mum tells me he has been weaning since 3 months. Fair enough, I know some do so I keep quiet.

However she tells me baby is so big he is in a forward facing car seat and has been since 3 months because she can’t lift him in the carrier anymore! I explain that it really isn’t safe and if she can’t lift him then just leave the seat in the car. I also explain that there are other choices of fixed seat that go to higher weight limits to keep him rear facing. Mum gets all huffy and now won’t talk to me!

WIBU to speak up and say something? I never usually do but I just couldn’t let it go!

OP posts:

BlackRibboner · 18/10/2019 08:36

A five month old obese?? Blimey . . . My (ebf) youngest was just under eight kilos the day they turned three months, 11 kilos two or three months later wouldn't shock me. The centiles are there for a reason, someone has to be at the top!

Mrs1 · 18/10/2019 09:00

Does the title of this thread say to care for this child? No it says to judge this mum. Get a life seriously!! No one is helping or caring by sitting here giving their opinions on a stranger!

Damntheman · 18/10/2019 09:02

Holy shit :o My three year old is 12kg.

Why is she forward facing him? Can't she get a bigger seat that is still rear-facing? She doesn't have to use the tiny baby seat anymore if he's too big for it but there are other options to hand surely..

chipmunkscheeks · 18/10/2019 12:48

@JenniferM1989 - it depends on a few things including baby carrier design, height distribution (legs vs trunk), etc. my DS1 tracked above the highest centile for height for the first 2 years of his life. By the time he was 4months old, his head was above the top of the baby carrier seat. He was nowhere near the weight limit though. If you just looked at his weight you could have thought, sure, he can go in the baby carrier. Except that his head sticking out of it cancelled out the protection element. Like lack of head rests on normal car seats does. His brother, being on the 90th centile for height and a bit more evenly proportioned, has been significantly kinder on our pockets baby seat-wise so far!

I am with @MrsTerryPratchett : there is a lot to understand re: relative risks, the typical vehicles driven on the roads and their speed, statistical likelihood of various types of impact, and most importantly that a seat that's not properly installed is a risk in itself. Unless you are a professional installer of baby seats, it is a lot easier to screw up a rear facing installation than a forward facing one.

The "5times safer" statement that's quoted a lot was based on flawed stats in 2007 and the paper was retracted! The Scandinavian data showing superior safety has NOT been able to be replicated elsewhere precisely because of the factors i mentioned above being completely different. Yes, rear facing is safer if you install the seat in and drive in a Scandinavian country and are hit by another vehicle typical for those roads. This has not been shown anywhere else despite extensive crash database trawling. Which is why the legal limits and wording around car seats are seemingly "lax" - because there is no evidence locally to say any different. What IS true is that a correctly installed seat of whichever direction is the safer option as opposed to none/incorrectly installed one. What is also true is that babies heads are larger and heavier than adults (per kg of body weight), so they are better off reclined for car travel. A larger recline angle is easier to achieve rear facing in a typical car. So yes you can simplify that with "rear facing is safer" but what if a forward facing seat can also achieve appropriate recline? Equally if you're hit from the back, some rear facing seats will actually lift off and flex at the ISOFiX anchors, so the baby's head flexes and hits the back of the rear seat.

The short answer is that every time you put your baby in the car, there is a risk regardless of the seat type.

Which is why judgement is problematic: it gets people's backs up and the truth gets lost in the process.

GinDaddy · 18/10/2019 13:02

The title of your thread says it all; there are more constructive ways to get your point across.

YABU

Ponoka7 · 18/10/2019 13:06

"I'd love to know the statistics. Falls, bikes, drowning and choking are the leading causes of accidental deaths of children. I wonder how many deaths caused by front facing seats there are."

I agree.

@makingmammaries, where, were the statistics frim? I regularly see US highway, high speed etc statistics quited and then Swedish one's.

Like how safe cycling is. If we went on US statistics, no one would get on a bike on a main road. If we go by Swedish/Netherlands statistics it's perfectly safe.

As for, setting him up for a lifetime of obesity, because he's a big baby, don't be ridiculous.

PutBabyInTheCorner · 18/10/2019 13:07

My six-month-old sits in a front facing seat in my childminder's car. Rear facing in mine. I've never thought to say anything though.

Ponoka7 · 18/10/2019 13:08

X post with chipmunkscheeks.

MoonlightBonnet · 18/10/2019 13:13

You could probably have said it in a way which sounded less judgy. Like asking if she knew they’d changed the law and sympathising with it being a pain. It sounds like you told her she’s wrong, which is never going to open people up to hearing your message.

Aridane · 18/10/2019 13:18

YANBU. I have someone on social media who posted a picture of her 9 month old in a forward facing car seat and I judged. She also thinks she's potty trained him so I guess that speaks volumes about her intelligence

Potty training - more than possible to potty train before 1 year old - see link below

www.webmd.com/parenting/features/bye-bye-diapers#1

clickymad · 18/10/2019 13:30

My six-month-old sits in a front facing seat in my childminder's car. Rear facing in mine. I've never thought to say anything though.

Your childminder should know better! That would be highly illegal where I live let alone stupid.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/10/2019 13:30

I think the thing we forget when talking about car seats is that it’s relative risk. So it’s not rear facing = safe and front facing = unsafe; it’s more like front facing = very safe, rear facing = very very safe (and the unsafe option is no car seat at all).

Celebelly · 18/10/2019 13:31

Gads, that childminder is incredibly irresponsible and ignorant. It baffles me that someone who looks after children for a living would be so oblivious to their safety.

CleopatraTomato · 18/10/2019 13:42

I don't understand why people are so concerned about being "right" or doing it their way that would put their child's life at risk. It seems we are so stuck on our right to do what we want that we dismiss collective wisdom or experience. Poor bloody kids. They have no choice.

People go on about inequality and the poor and all sorts of bollocks but given a chance to choose a slightly better way of doing things and it's "keep your beak out".

That kid will grow up fat and ignorant and might even pick up a head injury along the way. But hey ho - her rules.

Mrs1 · 18/10/2019 13:45

Shut up!!! None of you even know the child how is commenting on here going to help him!

Noroof · 18/10/2019 13:47

Can we stop with the weight thing. My exclusively breastfed boy who didn't wean until after 6 months weighed an absolute fecking ton...some children are at the top of the charts and others at the bottom. He's really looong and off the scale there as well. Not everyone who has big babies are feeding them shite

Idontlikeitsomuch · 18/10/2019 14:04

Noroof, same here my dc was overweight at one stage, quite obese baby. And I was an extremely obese baby too. Both exclusively breast fed. By the time started school, we both fell into the category of skinny kid.
I eat healthy so as my child, and being big as a baby didn't ruin our life.

hazeyjane · 18/10/2019 14:10

Having a child the top of the charts is one thing, but it is quite unusual to be 2 whole (hypothetical.....because the charts dont go up that high) centile lines above the very top centile!

clickymad · 18/10/2019 14:16

@Mrs1 but it may make (less stupid and stubborn) parents who don't know better do some actual research. Your bubz your rulz tho.

PutBabyInTheCorner · 18/10/2019 14:23

My childminder has had all my kids plus many others but to be honest I wasn't aware it was an issue. I suspect I'm a shit mum though; the sort that has never picked their child up from school and returned to work ft when they were tiny. I'm sure there's loads of other things I'm doing wrong too.

Valanice1989 · 18/10/2019 14:28

I understand safety but I slept on my tummy as a baby,was bottle fed,wore disposable nappies and sat in a forward facing carseat I'm still here

But this logic is flawed - the ones who didn't survive aren't here to tell their side of the story. It's like saying "It's a myth that cancer can kill you, I had cancer and I'm fine now." The plural of anecdote is not data.

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