Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

I was pregnant with my first at 26,second at 29. It still hit us like a ton of bricks.

We both have had mental health issues, DH has a drink problem which he has addressed but which has caused stress, I have a chronic illness which means I'm not working currently. No family nearby.

I do understand though, I'm glad we had our DCs when we did but maybe you weren't ready 10 years ago.

I had my two by 27 , they're 5 & 8 and I am fucking knackered, I think kids age you 5 to 10 years EACH depending on your circumstances. I don't know if it is an age thing or not.

I am 30 but my DH is 43. We don't have any DC of our own and are planning in next 2 years. Trust me I am terrified for him. I don't know how he will manage and feel about it when we have one. I think he's scared too. But I am trying to be very optimistic I guess. I can't stress on this and not have it right?

It must be hard for you but I think it will get better. You will feel better when you see the brighter side of it. Seeing them grow into a fine and kind people. You must feel proud. Give yourself some credit and maybe not stress too much on the financial side of it. I know that is the scariest part but as long as you're doing everything, I would say just relax and enjoy the moment. I am shit scared myself. I would have a baby now but can't because DH and I can't afford a baby on 2 FT but contractual jobs. There's no security. But we're trying everyday. We know we will get there. I look at the big picture and it gives me some peace. I do have my days and I think you're having yours today, OP but never let go of the bigger picture (happy picture of you 4 together). You will get there. Good luck to you!!

I think YellRedder has the one kid- worth bearing in mind....

I was just thinking about this this morning, as I'm the same age my mum was when I was born (nearly 41).
I remember shouting for her in the middle of the night when I was 9! Sorry mum. Both kids are wreaking their night waking revenges on me, however (one's nearly 9 so maybe it's normalish).

I think in a way though, the pre school years will be over, sooner, if you're older (because if you have a baby when you're 20, the first 5 years of their life is 20% of your life! If you have a baby at 40, the first 5 years are 11% of your life).

I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job, my parents did and I didn't appreciate it at the time.

I had mine at 34 and 39. I am 45 now. Definitely I find it that I get more tired easier now than 5 or 10 years ago, the good news is that they grow older, become more independent. No way I could do the sleepless nights with a new baby or run after a toddler now, and I am still quite fit and healthy!

I had our one and only at 44 years old - DH was 50. The first few years were 'oh my God I can't remember what a hot cuppa feels like' 'why would any human being wake up at 4am' and 'a party? Really? Can one of us come down with some horrible 24 hour lurgy so we don't have to go'. In between propping eye lids open and many, many take aways!

Then DS started nursery, then school. DH took him swimming every Saturday or to a local dad's club so I got a bit of down time (sleep - oh my Lord how I enjoyed that lie in!)

DS is now 12 years old, I work part time and run my own on line business and do some voluntary work (that came first, the other two sort of joined in the fun so I feel bad about giving up the volunteer stuff). DH is currently working away from home, back at weekends. i feel much more like the old me (even though I am an OLD me now)

But I felt my energy levels came back when I got to about 48-49 years old - as DS started full time school. Mind you my mum then developed dementia so that sapped me for quite a while. In honesty, that was more draining than looking after DS - you just have no control and the phone ringing at 3am is no fun. I could work around DS but the uncertainty of a wandering mum, calls from carers, doctors appointments to fit in with school runs was a nightmare.

It does get better. I belonged to a baby club when DS was little and we'd all sit around like zombies at one point or another - no relation to OUR age, more the result of the children's age.

I think the thing is no-one actually prepares you for children, no matter what your age. And that's because every child is unique, every parent is unique. Some parents can do the washing up, type up a report and hold a baby on their hip, others devote every ounce of energy to the baby and everything else goes to the wall. Most of us are in between but each with their own guilty thoughts about what is being sacrificed whether that's time with baby, career, relationships, friendships or hobbies. The early years to me felt like a constant guilt trip.

You can't warn someone about that and, to be honest, most first time parents wouldn't believe you. I wouldn't have. I thought 'get the baby into a routine and it'll all be a piece of cake - everyone is exaggerating'. Which of course they weren't and no one told the baby about the routine he was supposed to follow...

Babies should come with batteries that you can quietly remove when you need a break!

If it helps, my dc are playing happily enough without me that I've been able to come upstairs and have a nap (half term here). It will get easier and then you have more pockets of time for yourself again.

LightTripper you are so lovely, thank you.

You are all being so supportive, turns out DS had a meltdown at afterschool and they wanted to have a chat with me too. They recommended the same play therapist.

So this was a good day to get support from you all and you have helped so much.

Hi Op I'm in my 40s and husband in his 50s and we have days like this too. We don't have family support either. But I have a cleaner, ironer and babysitter, and it helps with the load, and I feel like I've got back up. I hope you get a break soon.

Its no an age thing, all babies,kids are different. Had one in my teens, one in my twenties,one in my thirties, AND one in my 40s. First,sick all the way through hospitalised with pre-eclampsia high BP, emergency cs, left lateral breech, said never again. Next pre labour, a month bedrest with drugs to stop if horrible side effects. 3rd very high BP, hospitalised. Last one, no sickness, bit of heartburn, was nowhere near as tired as the one in my 30s, whome I breastfed for 15 months, and popped back into shape.I do wonder how these women in their 50s and beyond manage though when its their first.

I am 45 and I had my last baby at 41 and my first baby at 25. Oh and 2 in between.

It is tiring been older but for me I enjoy parenting more than when I was younger.

I am more physically tired but I think that is just age related. I sometimes get envious of friends my age who have older kids and social lives however I still enjoy having the little ones and we try to enjoy them as I know how quick it goes..

May be worth trying to fine a good baby sitter if you have no family so you can get some time together X

LondonJax it is useful to remind myself how bad things can be with parents. My mum had dementia and my Dad couldn't cope (and ironically died first) and you forget all too quickly the dread of every day, the uncertainty of it.

I definitely feel that the control you have over your kids is 1000 times better than that, no matter how unruly they can be. Their routine is preordered by us, whereas taking care of elderly parents is like going over Niagra Falls with a blindfold in a high wind. You never know when it's all going to go tits up and you're living on your nerves.

Of course when they're teenagers I'm sure that becomes the complete opposite and you have no control whatsoever, but we won't think about that yet!

I had my first at age 24 and it was as hard as fuck. He wouldn’t settle, he was a poor sleeper, I had PND. I found it extremely difficult.

OP, you've had a tough few years- it will get better. Your DC will get older and make friends and won't be alone, they'll have connections with friends and each other and in time possibly children of their own. Please be kind to yourself.

I'm 30, single and have 4 DC aged 10yrs to 2yrs. Everyone has challenges through one thing or another- you're not alone! We all feel overwhelmed and we all worry. I'm sure you're doing great!

I feel knackered too... and I’m only 32 🙈 DC are 2, 11 and 13. Toddler tantrums and hormonal strops and working and homework are just making me feel 😰

I had mine at 39 and 41. I felt resentful as life moved on for sister and close friend; they never returned favours of having them overnight so that we could go away for a weekend. I reminded my sister and she awkwardly said she would have them but BIL can't cope with small children! I also know what you mean by just the four of you. Mine are teenagers now and doing really well academically and i dont kniw where the time went! I hope you grab pockets of time to yourself OP I know whete you're coming from

We are in a similar position no grandmas and granddads. We do have very good best friends who are “aunties and uncles” and they make the effort. My brother live 250 miles away but does make a fuss of them when he can.

This post is pretty much why I'm sure I don't want children. I only have my mum and she is not a child person, She wouldn't help. I'm also nearly 33. My Parter's parents aren't around either.

I work with children every day. I know how exhausting it is (as well as rewarding. I love those little people.)I find life quite exhausting as it is working full time and studying, trying to keep fit....i LIVE for my social and free time...

I would also like to give you a hug and mention Vitamin D deficiency? Often hits older parents harder especially in the winter months - can be the cause of feeling even older than you actually are, and arthritis type pain/seized joints, incredibly tired. It is often not picked up in pregnancy or after birth.
1000iu (25mcg a day) MINIMUM. You can get it from Morrisons, and google NHS guidelines. Also thyroid issues can creep up on you as an older woman. I was undiagnosed with hypothyroidism for many years after giving birth at 35 and 37 (3 kids) Thyroxine treatment really helped. Older parents can suffer all sorts of health issues that they put down to just old age, but are treatable.

It sounds rough 😞 but (and I don’t at all mean to sound insensitive) there are pro’s and cons to having children at any age and you simply make the choice that’s right for you.

Young parents (20-30 ‘generally’ have less financial, career and relationship stability (generalisation) Quite often they’re the first to have kids in their social group which can be equally hard. However they (generally) have more energy, health and family support.

30’s-40’s parents (generally) get to go through similar stages as their friends - so more peer support and probably still decent family support too. Finances/careers/relationships are often middle ground as is energy but hey you’re all going through it together!! 😬

40+ parents (generally) have more stable careers/finances and relationships but much less energy and family support (unless you have young parents yourself or are the first in the fam to have children!) It can be harder to conceive and the chances are you’ll be a bit behind your peer group which can drive a wedge in friendships. (Yes you entertained your BFF’s 3 tots back when you were child free and she hadn’t slept in days...but she’s finally got teenagers who love to sleep so no she’s not keen to look after your 2yo so you can sleep)

Isn't this the reality of small children particularly more than 1? I had my first at 32

It's funny you should say that cos I had a bottle of Floradix a few months ago and really felt the benefit. I probably am run down, and should get another bottle.

Someone upthread mentioned Christmas. I found it very hard last year. Only the 4 of us. It felt so wierd. Kept reminding myself they didn't know any difference. You realise you have to make your own traditions cos there's no one to visit and nobody will call. It feels like a very odd Christmas, I have to say. Like you're all just pretending or something. Santa is fun of course but that's all over by 8am and the rest of the day looms over you all empty! We may have to start going to Mass this year just to fill the day!

My dad is 50 next year my youngest sibling is 4 now he is knackered absolutely fucked to be honest but he's doing okay I'm proud of him.

Being older isn't the reason for a lot of what you've said.
I'm 29 with a 4 year old and we don't see family often and so on. It's just the way it is.
Kids are hard work though so don't feel alone.