Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

I really really don't think any of this is age related, except possibly that yes, as you are older then the chances of grandparents being around for long is less.
I had my first at 34 (which is oldish) and then my second at 42. I'm now 47 with a 4 year old, and most of my friends (from when I had ds1) have preteens or even older and are able to do completely different things.
Honestly? I love having a little one again.
Most of what you're describing sounds like normal parenting tbh.
But I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

I think yellredder is just giving the point of view that it isn't all doom and gloom if you have children as an older parent.

@Laiste I totally know what you mean my father was the same. Quite useless as a parent and grandparent.My mum loved kids and would have been amazing. She doted on all her grand nieces and nephews. My mil was desperate for grandchildren and brought it up often before I got pregnant. even In her ill health she was a big part of my sons life for 11 months. I think that's what feels the most unfair- that they would have been amazing but never really got the chance. I tell myself that I am very lucky that I had them as long as I had them. My mum gave me a foundation of care and love that I know not everyone can have. I do believe they're looking down on us but it still hurts a lot

And I have great sympathy that it hurts to have grandparents that don't care. We have felt that from certain relatives. And the rejection stings. I suppose we're all fighting our own battles and we're stronger than we give each other credit. I'm sure your children are very secure knowing that they've have an amazing regardless of the behaviour of other family members ❤️

The problem is not your ages, is that your network of support is very small or fragile. Families can be supportive and unsupportive but someway they are “there”. It is quite unsettling when you know you don’t have anyone to spend Christmas with, let alone someone to name as executor, guardian, to take care of the sprouts if something extreme happens.

I feel the same and my child was born in my early thirties. He will be going to uni soon but I know that if something happens to me or my job we/him will be in some nasty situation.

I totally feel the same. I had DS at 3 months off 41. He's now almost 6 and i feel done in! We're just a few years off 50 and i still worry that we didn't have another one when we could. Our circumstances were just so dire back when we had DS and so we couldn't try for another and now although things have improved, i'm now 47 and feel it's def too late. I have an 82 year old dad too. I worry most of all about DS when he grows up and we're old and knackered and he feels like it's all on his shoulders. Also we'll never be able to retire either. Omg so much worry! You're not alone OP

Sorry, I can't tag you pandaintheporridge, but yes, absolutely, that's what I'm trying to do. Probably not as sympathetically as I could have done. But whenever the subject of being an older parent crops up, people are s o blooming negative about it. And I genuinely don't find it that hard - and I'm surrounded by people of my age with kids of a similar age to mine, who also just get on with it and don't find it that hard. I think it is just down to personality.

Agreed. I had first at 25, 2nd at 38...the pregnancy alone nearly did for me. I didnt think there would be such a difference. I know a woman had her 2nd at 43. She has nearly lost her reason.

I have two children, one born when I was 36 and one at 39. I'm definitely more exhausted with the second but I put that down to having an older child to look after too. And you know what makes me feel 10,000 times better? Exercise. So sorry to say it, but honestly, when I don't exercise I'm knackered, when I do I have SO much more energy

I have two children, one born when I was 36 and one at 39. I'm definitely more exhausted with the second but I put that down to having an older child to look after too. And you know what makes me feel 10,000 times better? Exercise. So sorry to say it, but honestly, when I don't exercise I'm knackered, when I do I have SO much more energy. I should add, I live overseas and have ZERO support. We've moved states twice so no good friends and no family. It is HARD. But when I take the time for myself to be physically fit it's all much easier

I'm sorry you're exhausted. It sounds like you've had a tough few years & are mentally exhausted not just physically challenged.

What I want to say to you as someone who had 2 DC in my late 20's and then a third at 40 is that although it was physically harder at 40, it was mentally a lot easier because DH & I had a better idea of what we were doing. We worried less about the little things I guess.

You weren't wrong to have children when you did. There is no perfect time and I honestly believe most parents are muddling through.

You're right to be kind to yourselves. But do it - don't just write it on Mumsnet.

You're wrong to compare yourselves to other families though. I always remember having the "what did you do on your days off" chat with a colleague and feeling that I hadn't put much effort in to to going blackberrying or whatever we'd done. My colleague's response was along the lines of "you are such a good Mumsy mum, doing proper things we always end up in soft-play".

THe thing is, I admired her for enduring soft-play which I view as pure torture, while she was seemingly impressed with my lazy blackberrying. And I guarantee that there will be parents out there who want to be you. Us humans are funny folk.

DH was 44 when DC1 was born, and he wouldn't say he was any more exhausted than our friends who were 10 years younger.

I assume that he didnt give birth?

OP you sound exhausted and so worried about your DS. You are doing a fab job, and it is exhausting. Our DS was very difficult when he first started school, but things did improve eventually. DS took a long time to adjust to the new routines and expectations. An assessment will help the staff to understand what is going on if things don't improve in the meanwhile. No one will be thinking that you have done anything wrong.

We found it helped to find a baby sitter who could occasionally look after the children when they were tiny (several of the nursery/playgroup staff who our children knew did babysitting outside of work). An evening away from the children, just the two of us, really helped from time to time. Taking turns to have lie ins at weekends really worked for friends, and for us an occasional day out with a friend/cycle ride/whatever floats your boat (about 2 or 3 times a year) whilst the other one of us had the children all day also really helped us to feel human. Knowing we each had those 2 or 3 days a year kept me going a bit. Usually, we would try to be back to help the other one with bedtime or take over bedtime from them.

As others have said, it does get easier as they get older.

I'm 33 with 2 kids and have no family. OH has his mum and that's it. I image I feel like what I should feel like at 42!! Almost a decade of NO PROPER SLEEP. People looked shocked when I say I'm 33, they think I'm older. But raising kids with pretty much just you and OH and no help, no holidays, no sick days. Takes its toll. In fact I feel so done in I'll be surprised if I reach 35!

It is hard, and it will pass.

Good luck OP.

Or whatever age in your 40s you are

I felt far worse in my mid 30s than I did having children in my 20s

I also think you are feeling the loss of your family especially the way you talk of your weekends missing that family element.

You are your own family, and many dont have extended family. Yes, without doubt the younger the more energy but also I have helped many in their twenties to cope, who have been sleep deprived crying gibbering wrecks! Just needing an hour here or there to sleep!

So, no matter what age, a baby is always going to have the potential to wreak havoc on your sleep and well-being.

I do think having helpful family can make a huge difference to your experience of getting through the young years, and teens, less scathed!

Many don't have it ideal though, atall. That can make it exhausting and depressing.

Things will change once your youngest is out of nappies and into school, it will be a lot less physically demanding and become more of a mental challenge!

Use as many groups as you can. A variety of different types is best, so the experience difference.

I had DS1 when I was 33. I recovered from the c section very quickly and was 'back to normal' reasonably quickly.

DD1 arrived a few weeks before my 37th birthday, a year and a half ago. I am still not back to normal. My body is completely fucked. I have PND. I lost loads of hair. My shoulder is fucked from lugging heavy kids around for five years.

It's shit.

Also my kids only have one living grandparent, which really sucks too.

OP I had my first at 19 and my second at 41..fast forward nearly 8 years and yes its not so easy but y god its fun! The plus side is I have more money,more time,more patience and a more settled existance,I have a happy secure marriage with a good home life/work balance but I do agree with you the energy levels are flagging! Luckily my daughter has a very active young 50 something dad who still runs around with her like a loon,and my son and his partner who worship the ground she walks on so it still kind of works for us,But it will get easier for you as yours too get more independant like my daughter....hang on in there sure your doing an amazing job...I suspect like us you will work as a team and use each others resources and strengths to find a parenting style that gets the job done!

You've had so many good responses but I had to reply as I'm also old with young children, one of whom is autistic (but not in a way that other people really notice), so just wanted to say this...

• Sensory and control issues are just a different brain wiring, and even if it's autism it's going to be fine and so much better if you know about it and can accommodate DS. My autistic DD is a completely brilliant and joyful person (as is my probably neurotypical but exhausting 2 year old DS). The fact we know how to support her to minimise her anxiety makes a huge difference (not saying it is always easy but I don't think any parenting is).

• Life has thrown a huge amount at you in the last few years. I remember we had a year when we had a mental health crisis followed by suicide in our immediate family, DD was diagnosed, DS was born and not sleeping, I had a health scare, we were both working too hard - we were utterly broken and it felt like all we could do was put one foot in front of the other.

• There is light at the end of the tunnel. Our DS is younger than your youngest, but DD is 5 and already the difference in her ability to entertain herself, go to a friend's house by herself, help with household tasks like hanging washing or laying the table or whatever is so different to a year ago. Obviously DS is still quite intense (we're doing potty training right now!) but even so, easier than a year ago, and it will keep getting easier from here I think. He's not sleeping great at the moment but one advantage of being old is we're definitely not having any more, so once DS is through his sleepless years we are done!

Anyway, hang in there. I think you just need to cut yourselves some slack and be confident that going out and sex and hobbies will return - pretty soon actually. We also look haggard compared to all our same-age friends with older children, but I'm confident that we'll get back to being (relatively) shiny in due course, just like they have!

If you are worried about DS do pop over to the SN boards - we're lovely I promise .

Personally I've stopped giving a shit about a lot of stuff. As long as the kids sleep though that's all I care about.

I had my daughter when I was 23 and it was clear to younger mums like me that you older ones were going to run into energy issues. But no-one wanted to listen.
Fact is women do have to choose between motherhood and career. If you want to have both something has to give
Except it isn't that simple
Lots of women in their 30s and 40s are fitter than women in their teens and 20s. More financially stable. More emotionally mature. In more stable relationships. And plenty aren't.
I didn't have DS til 33 because my partner cheated in me and we sit up at 22. A few crap relationships followed and some time single before I met DH at 29. Knew each other 18 months when we got married and then a short while ttc. Having babies in my 20s would have meant compromising on their father and settling for someoen who wasn't good enough (personally speaking) so if you've had kids at 23 in a loving stable relationship with a decent guy that's as much luck as choice. I'm 37and pregnant with twins - DS had such a traumatic start we couldn't rush in to a se ons pregnancy and again it took time to ttc. But I had the same fertility issues in my 20s and DS's illness isn't due to my age

OP it's hard whatever she if you feel you have no support. Altho the age gaps with cousins seems huge now, they will shrink as they get odler

It gets better. I had 2 DC in my late thirties and the toddler years were really hard. My body took years to recover. Then as the entered juniors I became a LP working full time - which was arguably just as hard. Now mid fifties DC are at university and I am considering retirement. I am fitter and way less tired than I used to be, and really enjoying life

I would agree with previous posters, it is tough being a parent, at any age.