Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

I'm 28 and having my daughter has left me knackered and my DP and I barely have time to talk to each other most days. Out of my DD's 3 grandparents, two are disabled and the other has milder health issues even though none of them are elderly. So even tho they all adore her, it does limit their relationship in some ways and we worry about losing them early. She also has no cousins as of yet so it is rather isolating. I'm sorry you are having a tough time OP, you're not alone

For what it's worth. I feel you about the grand parents. My children only have one grandparent left and it can be hard when it seems everyone has been to the grandparents or nanny got him this or grandparents are having the kids over night. Or even just to have someone to share silly little photos or moments with that you know love your kids as much as you do. My mum never met my kids and it breaks me some times. She would have been such an amazing person in their lives. She would have been there to help and gave me a good shake when I needed one in a way no one else can. It's hard raising kids without their grandparents on an emotional level. Be kind to yourself. Some people are lucky to have those support networks and don't realise how hard and scary it is not to have that. Your post actually made me cry because I feel you so much and that fear is so hard (and I had mine in my late twenties) you sound like an amazing mum and your husband an amazing dad who have given everything to their kids. Be strong and know that to your kids you're they're hero ❤️

I had my daughter when I was 23 and it was clear to younger mums like me that you older ones were going to run into energy issues. But no-one wanted to listen.
Fact is women do have to choose between motherhood and career. If you want to have both something has to give.

i believed in women having choices but I never believed that you can have it all....unless you have a lot of money for help.
I tried it the other way around...to build my career when my daughter was age 8. I think you need more energy to bring up kids than go to work!

It will get easier in physical terms yes, but don't kid yourself, the real battles come with teen years.
I would not want to go through all that again.

I'm not quite 50 and mine are 13 and 12. I feel exhausted with no energy or desire to do anything beyond ship them around.

All you can do is look after yourself the best you can - make sure your diet is top notch, ditch the wine and the sugar and get into a good sleep routine. This does make a difference to how you feel and function.

Caring is exhausting
Grief is exhausting
Children are exhausting
Life is exhausting

...are you really surprised you’re exhausted?.

🌷it isn’t easy, but it gets better when new they get a bit older - honest!

I had my daughter at 43 and definitely don't feel like this. If I have to be honest I have more energy than before, she keeps me going and is the one who gives me energy to work things through. I wouldn't stay awake for no one, only for her. I suppose we're all different. One point though, living too much in the future is a given for anxiety. Stay more in the present and deal with each day as it comes.

@Babyfg My children only have one grandparent left and it can be hard when it seems everyone has been to the grandparents or nanny got him this or grandparents are having the kids over night.

My older kids had all 4 grandparents until their teens. One set (Xinlaws) have been blatantly uninterested in them their whole lives because they only had eyes for their youngest son's kids and it hurt. I tried to hide it from them. But they noticed. It hurt them. On my side my dad was always up for a grand-daddy bit of fun with the DCs and they do remember him fondly. We all miss him. He passed away 11 years ago. My mum was/is ok with them but was never happy to babysit or have them on her own at all unless it was a dire emergency and then it had to be for the shortest time possible. She would fib about what they had said and done for her own weird reasons. She's the same now with my little youngest. She a difficult person and nothing changed when she became a grandparent.

I suppose i just wanted to say that not all grandparents are necessarily wonderful parts of DCs lives!

You sound overwhelmed and maybe a bit depressed

In the gentlest way possible, Get a Grip OP.

Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes so stop comparing yourself negatively to others. So what if friends still get spoon fed Sunday dinner by their parents?

I had DS at 43, DH was mid 50's. Both sets of parents are dead. DH then had cancer when DS was 2. He survived chemo, I survived looking after them both.

Two of my friend's lost their DH's (cancer and car accident) when they were in their 40's with young children so I feel blessed by comparison.

Shit happens and some families have it so much worse.

Glass half full thinking gets you through life. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

Huge hugs to powershowerforanhour, it's so shit.

Fact is women do have to choose between motherhood and career. If you want to have both something has to give.

It's not like everyone gets to pick one of two options in their twenties and go for it. It's a bit hard to find nice committed men in their twenties who want to settle down and have babies. If you do find one, or if you are prepared to make do with Mr Right Now and risk going it alone if he turns out not to morph into Mr Right (or both Right Enough for each other) then good luck to you.

Career is a bit more under your own control, but the work in => financial and other benefits (eg more annual leave) out is not a simple foolproof sum either.

I don't think "these women who wanted their career" sat down and thought "right, Uni, climb smoothly and swiftly up the ranks, get to be Queen Rat, another 10 years of fucking about drinking champagne in business class to New York city breaks, then start thinking about having a couple of kids at about 40-45 or so. Who really thinks that?

I had my daughter when I was 23 and it was clear to younger mums like me that you older ones were going to run into energy issues. There are massive compensations, more experience of the world, more certainty of your own place in it, more certainty that the partner you are with is the one you want to bring up your children with, often, less financial worry because your own careers are established, more confidence to deal with the many people around who are trying to tell you how to run your life.

Grief is really exhausting and it's hit you in waves. If you miss a sense of community and older people who are interested in your kids you could try and find a nice church. It might help with the sense of being disconnected. Mine has social events with everyone from 4 to 90 dancing and eating together and regular kids groups too.

It is hard. We don't have any family near us and dp is quite a bit older than me and has developed health issues in the past few years. We manage but I do sometimes think ' wouldn't it be nice if we were similar ages.'

I think your voice is something that is missing from the 'debate' about waiting until you are older to have children vs having them younger.

The focus in that debate always seems to be about what is best for the children, younger or older parents - and I think to be honest there isn't much difference because I've known good parents of all ages, and not so good ones of all ages too.

What rarely seems to be taken into account is what's better for women themselves, and how choosing to have your children older (if it is a choice, for some it's not) can have consequences that aren't always talked about.

Me and my mum have have 4 years between our children. My son is 2 and her youngest daughter is 6. Id argue she has more energy than me.
DPs mum has a child 18 months older than mine, he's 3. Also probably more energy than me.
I'm 22, mum is 50 now and DPs mum is 40.

We are all flipping knackered, all of the time. Luckily we all help one another with the children because none of us ever got out the baby stage before another one came along.
Not sure if at 22 I should have more energy, but between us all we have 5 young children so I often have more than one to look after all tired for different reasons. It is bloody relentless some days! Hang in there OP, we all have our own battles.

DS has to have an Assessment of Needs via the GP and in the meantime he needs to start play therapy pronto as the AoN takes 10 months on average to be processed (!!).

We had no idea he was being so stubborn in school. He's just doing whatever he bloody wants by the sounds of it and he's pulling too much resources from the rest of the class cos the teacher doesn't have time to be cajoling him with 29 kids in the class. One of the other kids has an SNA and this poor woman apparently has to take over DS when he's refusing to come in from the yard/go out to the yard/stop playing. Which means she has to leave her own charge. It was a shock. The teacher was very nice, but quite adamant. He said it might not be sensory, it might be a "control" thing. But we have to gry to the bottom of it.

Anyway that's kinda a tangent, but fuck me. I'm gutted. I had no idea. Jesus.

Hi I have not read the whole thread so apologies if I am repeating others' comments but i am also an older mum. I had my first at 41 and second at 48. I don't feel the way you do but i think that may be because DH and i are lucky enough to have parents still around and living nearby. They are a huge help and that makes a massive difference. Also due to having friends who also had families late or are a few years younger than us, we do have people to socialise with at a similar life stage. This is a hard one to manufacture but is there any way you can see to make friends with similar age kids? It is so much more common for people to have children later in life that maybe you could look out for them at activities, the school/nursery gates, church activities like Sunday School or messy church (if that is your thing)?

I honestly think that your feelings are more about isolation than just about age. Parenting is hard at any time but with all the recent losses in your family you have experienced, it must be even harder.

Maybe we should set up an older mums' support thread on here? While most problems are universal, I agree some are age-specific.

I am so sorry about how you are feeling. But you are not alone and as your kids get older they will create their own support networks too. So try not to worry and if you can, try to enjoy them now. I know from my 9 year old that it all passes so quickly and you will miss them being tiny even though it often seems so unlikely while you are in the thick of it all.

I'm a single parent to an 8 year old ASD/ADHD DS. I'm 50. No family nearby, Dad with Alzheimers, largely estranged family on ex-husband's side who are in the North anyway, so no help at all. I manage. Yes it's tiring but I also found 20 something parenthood tiring. I only really get a break so to speak when my 21 year old is home from uni. I keep fit, eat as well as I can afford and do loads with my son. I do wish his father wasn't so sodding useless though and he's younger than me!

Really? Had mîne in my early forties. Has more grandparents than I did at her age. Feel more energised and younger than I did in my twenties. My friends have children the same age and older. I have far too many hobbies - and we have so much on as a family that sometimes I'd relish a weekend where all we did was go to the park and the beach!!

I don't feel the same way as you, I had my two birth children in my late 20s and now I am 56 I foster (mainly under 5s or drug withdrawing babies) and I feel less exhausted than I did when my children were small. The sleepless nights, the tantrums seem easier to deal with, I feel I am a better parent now than I was when I was younger.

I think your main issue here is that you're sad about losing your family. I think you're wrong in imagining that everyone else has grandparents to turn to though. There are other older parents, they may live very far away or may not get on. We only have one grandparent left for our kids too, not unusual! Make connections with the people that are around you in your community.

The other issue of having little kids and being knackered. Yep, with you there! But it passes!!!

OP - I do understand the feeling of being gutted. The OT's assessment of DS had me crying my eyes out for 45 minutes and I then couldn't look at it again for about 2 weeks. Honestly.

BUT... sensory disorders etc can be managed. And there's no doubt that as the child gets older and can help to put things in place to manage their behaviour and responses, it gets a bit easier.

Having said that, if you can afford it, I'd go private. The NHS and educational system, while deeply sympathetic, can't do a lot. DS is supposed to be getting OT via our local council, at (I believe) school. The process of APPLYING has taken nearly a full year so far....

Yellredder congrats you win motherhood. 👍👍👍

The nappy years are very hard and intense. I'm in the primary ones now and it IS easier - I've also started exercising lots and probably feel healthier than I did ten years ago. We've lost parents too and that is hard. Though I know a woman in her 20s who has lost both parents, and one who is 60 and still has both!