To ask you how much your DH/DP really does around the house?

[Pammync]

I’ve been reading with interest the recent threads about “man child” husbands who contribute very little inside and outside of the home. More than anything, I was surprised to see how many people don’t seem to think this is the norm and claim to have wonderful partners/husbands who contribute equal amounts to chores or even do the majority around the house! Where on earth do people find these miracle men?! I’ve been married twice (now divorced) and have had numerous LT relationships over the years. Every single man I have ever been with has been pretty much useless and reluctant to do anything without being nagged and even then it’s never to a good standard. Friends and family members who are married or in relationships all have had the same experience and consider it to be the norm.

Over the last few years I’ve remained single, resigning myself to the fact that men who are clean and tidy, want to proactively contribute to a clean household and share the load when it comes to chores in general simply don’t exist and I’m not suited to being in a relationship.

Reading through the hundreds of posts claiming that such behaviour isn’t the norm, I’m genuinely interested to hear what IS now the norm in your relationships re who does what around the house and how you share the load in general? If things have really changed I better get dating again.

Mine is a work in progress. For some reason he will tidy but doesn't seem to know how to clean. So will go in kitchen & put stuff away, unload dishwasher, but not wipe down counter tops. Will put clothes away in bedroom, run laundry, but not change beds, wash towels or actually clean the bathrooms.

Now I focus on what he does do without being nagged and ensure I leave those things as his jobs. Mowing the lawn, household admin relating utilities & cars.
Over 13 years we have identified meals he actually can cook and he does now cook 2 or 3 times a week. .

The flipside is that he is happy to focus more on his career and allow me to reduce hours to do more at home (I'm happy doing this). Eg he doesn't expect me to do everything at home & work full time too.

My DP did his fair share until his business took off around a year ago and now he works continuously from early morning to late evening, even over the weekend, any time he does take off he likes to spend with the DC which I understand. It’s still very frustrating though as it wasn’t like this until after I had DC2. He has offered to pay for a cleaner which I think I will take him up on once I’m off mat leave.

I found mine in a nightclub toilet if that helps.

DH usually does the beds, it's only fair, he has a much bigger wing span than I do.

I found mine in a nightclub toilet if that helps

If DH shows so much as a hint of developing a case of manchilditis, or a lack of appreciation/taking for granted the domestic work he does not have to do because I do it, he gets a right royal tune up. So it doesn't happen very often because I apparently have a very piercing voice. . .

I found mine in a nightclub toilet if that helps.

Hopefully not down the toilet!

My dh normally does more than me because his standards are higher than mine. I'm on mat leave at the moment so it's split more towards me, maybe 60/40.

He does pretty much all the normal laundry, and some of the nappy washes. I do most of the cooking, he does most of the dishes. He does the hoovering. We share the bathroom cleaning. He tidies up. I do admin stuff.

Dh does garden and bins. Washes up probably x3 a week.
It does piss me off that I do everything else but dh does work really long hours - basically has about an hour a day not working plus Saturday whereas I work 4 short days and do have loads more down time so it is fair overall. I could work more and pay a cleaner if I wanted to

I’m very sceptical of the posters here who claim their partner does loads. Because in RL I don’t know anyone , whereas it seems to be every second poster on MN. I suspect they are men posting to say how great they are.

I genuinely think this is one of the saddest things I've seen on MN, that a woman (sorry, I'm assuming you're a woman) thinks that men who do their equal share are in the minority or simply don't exist. How are we so used to men doing so little? How are we ok with the fact that there's so much inequality even in 'normal' happy marriages and relationships?

Men can see dirt, can see jobs needing doing, can fully function as adults without reminders and 'help'. They just choose not to. The whole "I have to nag him" thing is madness. This is not women's fault for tolerating it; that's just blaming the wrong party. This is the fault of the men who waltz through life thinking because there's a penis in their under crackers they're entitled to be taken care of.

My two sons do chores around the house. Ones they're capable of, obviously, but they contribute. They always have. They always will. If they grow up to be these man babies currently being mentioned on this post it won't be because I've let them grow up watching a woman do all the graft and a man do nothing, it won't be because I've spent their childhoods teaching them that the shape of their genitals defines their role in a marriage or a home.

What G500 said. Back when I was dating, messy men were an instant dealbreaker, as were Mama's boys. Just wouldn't see them again so there was no chance for a relationship with a manchild to develop. Would rather have stayed single than put up with someone who can't function as an adult. It's not hard to learn, either. Training is for dogs.

DH usually does the beds, it's only fair, he has a much bigger wing span than I do.

Yes. I haven't put a duvet cover on in years. The benefit of short arms.

He'll cook when he is home, pretty much anything, not just easy meals, but makes a huge mess. He does the DIY and cuts the grass if I nag him enough.

DP does almost all of the cooking, in a "clean as you go" fashion so kitchen is always spotless, all of the washing and all the gardening. He likes to look after the bins too.

I tend to do the general house hold cleaning ie. bathroom, hoovering, polishing, etc

We both work full time and appreciate each other's down time. If there is washing to do, I don't nag as I know it'll be done say the day after. If the bathroom needs cleaning, he knows it'll be done soon as I can't stand the mess. Works well for us!

My DH works away all week about 50% of the time but when he is here he:

Does all of the DIY.
Mows the lawn.
Cooks tea, cleans kitchen afterwards, washes up.
Puts the baby to bed (while I put the 4 year old to bed).
Helps to feed the children tea if he's home in time.
Gets up in the night with the baby to give her a bottle.

I'm a SAHM. I do all of the washing, ironing, hoovering, polishing, and cleaning the bathrooms.

He has his faults, but doing things around the house and helping with the children isn't one of them.

Me:
Cooking every day/heating up leftovers.
Dishes every day
More likely to empty the bin and put the bins out for collection
Laundry every other day
Book appointments and keep track of them. I use Google calendar and invite DP to them so he has no excuse to forget.
Clean kitchen and bathroom a couple of times a month

I work from home so have a bit more time to do chores.

DP
Hoovering weekly
Bed changing
Until recently, all pick ups and drop offs. But he's just started a new job so I will be doing the drop offs now.
Any house DIY
Will sometimes do dishes but he's SO SLOW I try to just do them myself.

Shared
Food shopping. DS likes walking around Asda so we always just go together at the weekend.
Night time routine and bathtime. We've always done them together and see it as an extension of family time.

I wouldn't stand for him to do less as we both work full time, I'm just lucky that I don't need to commute.

My DH is a FT student on a PG course in a healthcare vocation. He gets a small bursary each year of the course (a few £K) as a travel allowance.

I work PT and my annual salary is less than £15K.

We have 1 DC who is 16m and 'spirited'.

I do more housework and childcare than he does but I am at home more than he is as I only work PT. I think things could definitely be more equal though because I essentially do the entire 'mental load' stuff all by myself with very little input or support from him. Plus lots of the jobs he does around the house, he only does them once I've asked him about 5 times to do it (no exaggeration). We talk about these grievances CONSTANTLY and there is v little progress on this front. I don't think it's something I could leave him over as in every other way he is fantastic, and I'm sure he does far, far more than most men do, so it's not like it could get much better on that front. Also, he didn't have much positive behaviour in this regard modelled for him as a child because he had a very difficult, abusive childhood with a largely absent parent and the other parent was abusive and a hoarder. So to some extent he really doesn't 'see' the jobs that need doing in the same way that I do and I have some sympathy to him in the sense that we do have massively different upbringings in this regard and it's hard to break ingrained habits. It's also to some extent that we have different standards and I can't really expect him to live up to mine all the time necessarily.

As a snapshot, yesterday:

• I was WFH and I have a cold and felt poorly when he got up in the morning so once he got himself ready for uni he got DD up, got her changed and ready and took her to nursery before he went to uni, whilst I stayed in bed until I had to get up to clock on for work.
• After uni he collected DD from nursery and brought her home.
• After we had dinner (I made it after I'd finished my work), he went back out to the nursery for an event they had on, just for about 20 mins or so, whilst I put DD to bed. I tidied up in this time, emptied the dishwasher, and made us both a brew.
• He came in, prepped us a snack.
• Over the course of the evening I got DD's outfit ready for the next day and packed her bag for nursery. DH tidied up the dinner mess and loaded it into the dishwasher, cleaned DD's highchair and underneath it, made himself lunch to take to uni the next day, payed a bill, helped me pick a photo to print. I went to bed slightly earlier than him and asked him about 5 times to put the dishwasher on before bed, but alas, he didn't, so I did it this morning.

I'm a SAHM with young children and my DH works full time but when he's home it's 50/50 when it comes to housework, cooking etc as he appreciates when I'm at home all day with DC I don't get much of an opportunity to do much house work anyway - just keeping on top of meal prep and clean up is enough of a challenge with two little people around. Even before children we were very equal when it came to housework. It's just the way it's always been. He lived alone for a long time before we got together so he had a good grasp of how to look after himself which i think helps. He is also an empathetic and caring person who recognises when I need a break and takes over. So these men do exist.

Not a lot tbh apart from the garden, bins etc. He works long hours though running his own company and I'm a SAHM and have 3 days a week to myself so I think it's fair.

Yes mine is pretty good but he hasn't got the same standards as me. I came home from hospital last week and he had decorated for Halloween a bit and I said I liked the fake cobwebs - he fetched the feather duster 😂

He cannot cook and he drives me mad when he orders takeaway because he can't be arsed and we also argue over him ramming the bin full rather than just bloody emptying it. I'm not sure the beds would ever be changed if I didn't do it.

The more I read about some of the others, the more I love and appreciate my man.

I wonder if he'd say the same about me?!

Both work, no kids, two cats.

Him - between 50-80h per week inc. commute.
Me - 42-50h per week inc. commute. One day wfh. Usually lower end.

Cleaner comes once a week.
I do all laundry, and most cooking. Most cat feeding and litter trays. Prep for cleaner.
He does dishes, vaccuuming between cleaner, bins. Cat grooming.

With life admin, he's got more of an obsession eye for a deal, so does most bill switching, but they're all on DD. Because I work from home/close to home, I'm the one who stays in for plumbers on the like. Groceries are done by online order, which we take turns to do.

I do more, but also have more leisure time. The split varies, according to how heavy his workload is, but we tend to play to each other's strengths. If it is a 10m job that needs to be done every day, I'm likely to be the one to do it. If it's one that requires looking things up etc he's more likely to.

We also give each other a break. This week we've mostly lived off ready meals because we're both a bit unwell. We have zero standards, we just muddle through together.

Mine does loads. More than me!

Cleans the shower thoroughly each week, cleans the windows, cleans the terrace, cleans the kitchen (apart from the mopping and sweeping which I do once a week), all own ironing (I don't iron), puts washing on and hangs out (we share this, but I do it more), usually takes all the clothes off the clothes horse and folds them and most of the washing up. I clean the house (dusting, sweeping, mopping, bathroom etc) once a week on a Saturday when he's at work. We both do the food shop

50/50 here. Ex H was rubbish so wouldn't put up with that again. DP will load/empty dishwasher, washing machine, clean bathrooms, vacuum (almost to the point where it drives me mad !). We play to our strengths so I meal plan and do most of the cooking. He does the mowing and we both take care of the rest of the garden. He also does DIY and any home improvements. He is also very tidy. Definitely a keeper