To ask you how much your DH/DP really does around the house?

[Pammync]

I’ve been reading with interest the recent threads about “man child” husbands who contribute very little inside and outside of the home. More than anything, I was surprised to see how many people don’t seem to think this is the norm and claim to have wonderful partners/husbands who contribute equal amounts to chores or even do the majority around the house! Where on earth do people find these miracle men?! I’ve been married twice (now divorced) and have had numerous LT relationships over the years. Every single man I have ever been with has been pretty much useless and reluctant to do anything without being nagged and even then it’s never to a good standard. Friends and family members who are married or in relationships all have had the same experience and consider it to be the norm.

Over the last few years I’ve remained single, resigning myself to the fact that men who are clean and tidy, want to proactively contribute to a clean household and share the load when it comes to chores in general simply don’t exist and I’m not suited to being in a relationship.

Reading through the hundreds of posts claiming that such behaviour isn’t the norm, I’m genuinely interested to hear what IS now the norm in your relationships re who does what around the house and how you share the load in general? If things have really changed I better get dating again.

DH isn't a superhero. He's a fully functional and capable adult human being, who respects his other half and likes to do his share and pull his weight. It's funny, both of us are always worried that the other is doing more than their fair share!

It's a bit difficult to say in my household as the kids are adults and have left home and my DH goes away a lot so i've only really got myself to tidy up after.
That said, when he is home he does tend to pitch in and always does his share of the cooking. He also sorts out all the admin too.
To be fair to him, when the kids were around he always did his share, again when he was home.

We’re in our late twenties, work full time (long hours) and no kids yet.

We don’t split any chores, we share them, and I’d say we do roughly even on paper EXCEPT:

• he is messier than me so I spend at least ten minutes per day tidying his stuff off the kitchen table/work surfaces
• he doesn’t “see” things that need to be done e.g. dusting, deep cleaning of cupboards etc.
• I do more food shopping as I like cooking (but we live thirty seconds from a shop so he’ll often pop out too)
• he has lower standards than me so is happy to leave the bed unmade for example when I just can’t do that
• I do more “mental load” things like planning dates for weekends away, holiday itineraries etc. He would probably just play things more by ear.

I do worry when we have kids this ad hoc split we have going will just not work and I’ll wind up shouldering way more than my share. I think splitting up the jobs will probably be the way to go at that point.

@Itsemily yes I think you're probably right but tbh I think we're beyond that.

Makes sure DD has a good breakfast and does some reading with her every morning
Prepares her school snack and makes sure her bag is properly packed
Walks and feeds the dog - 50%
Makes lunch (I work from home) about 50% of time (usually just salad, or something light, he's not a cook)
Cleans up after lunch & dinner - 50%
Cleans up dog poo from garden
Does food shopping - 50%
Hangs out washing - 50%
Tidies kitchen, loads and unloads dishwasher - 50%
Takes out rubbish and recycling
Irons his own shirts
Organises DD play dates and birthday party attendance
Checks what homework she needs to do and comes up with creative ways to help her enjoy it
Take DD to piano lessons and encourages her to practice during the week
Brushes DD teeth and puts her to bed - 50%
Books occasional horse riding lessons, dr's appointments, dentist appointments.
Prepares rooms for any guests.

He is partially disabled and not working at the moment. When he was working he did much of the above but less of the 'thinking jobs' around organising DD's life.

We have a cleaner who does bathrooms, floors, vacuuming, and DD's ironing, etc.

Dh does most of the bins, most of the garden and most of the diy

He shares the cooking when home, he cleans the bathroom and toilet all the time

He helps with housework when appropriate at the weekend

He does virtually all of the paperwork and household stuff, insurance etc, most of the lifts, all of the car maintenance including putting petrol in

So he does more than his fair share

Will do most things, but I have to ask him to/remind him/nag. He very rarely does things off his own bat except the washing up. It really fucks me off.

If I had my time again I would stay single tbh. I certainly would never live with a man again.

Sad, isn't it.

He’ll get bees in his bonnet and have flash cleaning and washing sessions. If you ask him to do the jobs he will do them, might need reminding (not because he’s actively avoiding, he just gets sidetracked). I do mainly all the cooking, because to be honest, the thought of him doing it stresses me out. But I enjoy it and I’m good at it, if I asked him to, he would... but it would be under desperate measures 😂.

I’m at home with the baby at the moment and for the foreseeable, so putting his washing on doesn’t bother me. When I was working full time one of us would do it. When we first moved in together I remember him saying he didn’t have any clean pants and I told him he better wash some then? Never had a problem after that.

He works hard doing a pretty labour intensive job, getting up at silly o’clock and not always back at reasonable times. But I’m grateful that he does and it allows me to bring up our little girl for the first few years.

He does have a habit of putting rubbish anywhere but in the bin though. On top of it, next to it, near it... but rarely fucking in it. And that gives me the ABSOLUTE RAGE. I keep a picture file now of all the offending instances to use in the divorce.

He works and I'm a sahm. Because he works he thinks he shouldn't do anything

I really don't like him anymore to be honest

Same here, except I’m part time and he’s full time. And I DEFO don’t like my partner anymore.

Hard to leave as I’ve fucked up my career to facilitate his.

I’m very sceptical of the posters here who claim their partner does loads. Because in RL I don’t know anyone , whereas it seems to be every second poster on MN.

I suspect they are men posting to say how great they are. You know

“ She does all the cleaning, laundry, childcare, wifework, shopping and cooking but I put the bins out once a fortnight so I’d say it’s 50:50. Oh no, wait - once I phoned a plumber to fix the loo so no, it’s more like 60:40”.

Or women who think that men should in fact do, say, 10% of the work. So if their partner does 20%, they think he’s amazing. Mostly because he keeps telling her how amazing he is and how lucky she is to have him.

Just my opinion.

My DH does his fair share of housework without being asked or reminded. He’s also a very hands-on father. The other men I’ve been in long-term relationships with in the past were also happy to do their fair share. I’ve obviously been very “lucky” (it should be normal but it’s clearly not).

My husband has a very no-nonsense mother who brought her sons up to work hard both outside the home and in. His mother worked in various jobs and his father always came home late so DH and his brother were expected to make their own meals and tidy up after themselves. FIL also does his bit when he’s not at work, which is unusual for his generation (and in the country we live in).

The only advice I have is to look at the family dynamics. Men very often turn into their fathers so if the daddy is a lazy entitled sod, the chances are the son will be too.

DH isn't a superhero. He's a fully functional and capable adult human being, who respects his other half and likes to do his share and pull his weight.

Agree.

You've got shit standards if you put up with a manchild.

Mine is a good tidier but not good at cleaning. So he'll clear up after us all but his idea of cleaning the bathroom is running round the basin with damp tissue paper! His jobs are the dishwasher, apparently I don't load it correctly. He does the garden, I've never used the lawn mower. He does most of the DIY, apart from decorating which is a joint effort. He'll do the ironing but he's really slow at it. He doesn't seem to see the washing baskets over flowing though. I do the cooking mostly but he'll always clear away/load the dishwasher after.

Change our bedding, duvet and child's bedding duvet and re-making beds. Loading/unloading dishwasher, changing cat litter, feeding/walking/bathing dogs, throws in a load of washing/tumble drying, helps fold large items with me, makes the best scrambled eggs and omelettes, makes cheesy past bake and a good cheese sauce for my lasagne, peels and chops potatoes and veg, occasionally walks child to Scouts, will hang washing out on line in summer, cuts grass, chops branches off trees in garden and tidy garden. He does not do all those jobs every week but they are all jobs he will do often without me asking. I usually have to ask him to peel/chop veg. We have a cleaner twice a week for general indoor house cleaning. I do almost of the cooking from scratch, most washing, dusting and general tidying, We both do food shopping and I also do almost permanent de-cluttering because everyone in our house will leave things all over the place.

Just remembered he is very good at cleaning up children's sick. I just really struggle with this task, as it makes me vomit too.

Mine does the majority of the washing, and cooking. We split the rest - sometimes I do more, sometimes he does but he absolutely no nagging required!

I wouldn't marry someone lazy that expects me to cook and clean for him.

Men like this should remain single to weed them out of existing. Don't marry a manchild, you are helping to create more.

If more women said "The reason you are single Dave is because you don't cook or clean! Why would a woman want to take on that burden?"

Should really have said dh was a very hands on dad...still is

I am regularly told by friends how lucky i am, but dh is a doer..not very good at doing nothing, while i am awesome at doing nothing

Oh I forgot the beds...i don't make beds

My DP (male) does way more cleaning than me! He’s a much tidier person generally so thinks I’m annoyingly messy I do tend to do more washing though. And when he cooks, I wash up and vice versa.

We have a cleaner.
We split the washing equally, he does more folding, I do more putting away
I do meal planning, he orders the shopping, puts it away, I do the cooking, he does the clearing up
We both tidy up after the kids, I probably do a bit more
I do more reorganizing of things and probably more tidying, he tidies garden stuff away and puts the bins and recycling away
I do more cleaning and polishing, he does more DIY and gardening like mowing and pruning. We live in an old house so there's always DIY type jobs to do
Mental load - he pays the bills, sorts some school stuff, I do more kids activities and friends type stuff

I think it works out pretty equal

Or women who think that men should in fact do, say, 10% of the work. So if their partner does 20%, they think he’s amazing. Mostly because he keeps telling her how amazing he is and how lucky she is to have him.

I think there is something in this. A friend told me how lucky I am because DH will cook a 2-3 times a week. I have to remind him it's his turn. No-one ever has to remind me.

Under his own steam

Cooks
Food shops
Cleans the kitchen
Mows the lawn
Bins

Other chores are done but only by request. They don’t seem to occur to him.

He takes care of all the financial stuff and any work that needs doing on the house. He does all washing up, empties trash, recycling etc. He mows the lawn. Cleans gutters, the fire etc. Takes the car in.

He will vacuum occasionally and clean the bath.

I do the rest. I've learnt to let a lot go. He doesn't seem to give a shit if the bathroom is a mess so why should I?

My priority is eating healthy food, on top of laundry and enjoying the kids.

I'm amazed at how many men will just do nothing and let the woman do everything - but then is it the women's fault for enabling them?

He does quite a lot, probably over 50%

Most of the hoovering & steaming.
Windows
Dishwasher 50%
Bathroom 50%
All Polishing
Bins 50%
Cat litter 75%
Feed cats 50%
DIY 90%

Grocery not much as I like doing it but will if I ask.

I do all cooking

I do 99% laundry.

Childcare we split when both at home. I tend to sort ds as he’s ebf And clingy, and he sorts dd who is older.

I found him on Plenty of Fish.

He puts a wash on when we have a mountain and I haven't got around to putting it on (or have said I cba). I spin the washing he puts it to dry and usually puts the dry stuff away.

He cooks at least half the time if not more. He also makes packed lunches for work and school.

He washes up and tidies up after himself and when I've cooked. If he's cooked for us then I wash, dry and put the pots away.

He only hoovers or empties the bins if specifically asked.

He does the garden but only when absolutely necessary.

He takes the dc to breakfast club, I pick them up and do after school and holiday childcare unless I go out. If they're ill and I'm working he takes the day off.

He showers the dc, I do their reading and homework. If they're ill in the night we both do whatever is necessary.