To ask you how much your DH/DP really does around the house?

[Pammync]

I’ve been reading with interest the recent threads about “man child” husbands who contribute very little inside and outside of the home. More than anything, I was surprised to see how many people don’t seem to think this is the norm and claim to have wonderful partners/husbands who contribute equal amounts to chores or even do the majority around the house! Where on earth do people find these miracle men?! I’ve been married twice (now divorced) and have had numerous LT relationships over the years. Every single man I have ever been with has been pretty much useless and reluctant to do anything without being nagged and even then it’s never to a good standard. Friends and family members who are married or in relationships all have had the same experience and consider it to be the norm.

Over the last few years I’ve remained single, resigning myself to the fact that men who are clean and tidy, want to proactively contribute to a clean household and share the load when it comes to chores in general simply don’t exist and I’m not suited to being in a relationship.

Reading through the hundreds of posts claiming that such behaviour isn’t the norm, I’m genuinely interested to hear what IS now the norm in your relationships re who does what around the house and how you share the load in general? If things have really changed I better get dating again.

My DH does everything around the house unless I get to it first! He isn’t tidy but he is very used to fending for himself and sometimes makes me feel guilty for not thinking to do things before he does them 😄 I do the cooking and food shopping lists, and he tends to do the bins and recycling (and currently the laundry because I can’t bend down any longer, though that one is usually my task!) and everything else we do between us.

The thing that upsets me is how many of my friends are jealous of me, which makes me realise how they must be settling for men who don’t pull their weight.

Mine does loads, in fact he does more than half because of my health issues, which can leave me bed bound sometime. He hoovers, does the washing, puts clothes away, does the heavy stuff in the garden, cooks, shops. He never thinks to dust or clean the bathroom or floors, but would if I reminded him.

His mum did everything for him at home, where he still lived when I met him. But I made it clear from the start that I wouldn't be doing everything and he is also a kind person that won't see me struggle to do something when I am in pain. The longer he did things, the more he remembered to do them frequently.

He isn't as confident at cooking, but slowly I am showing him how to do things and if he has a recipe to work from, he's fine.

I would have split up with him at the start if he hadn't done anything when he stayed over, or had thrown his clothes on the floor all the time etc. I would rather be on my own than date someone like my ex

Yeah, he does a lot, actually. He does everything I do with the exception of some of the life admin which tends to fall to me. My Dad did a lot around the house when I was at home so I never gave it a second thought.

Dh's Dad is a sod. He just flops around the house playing the alpha male.

He works full time outside the home but does pull his weight, I do the lion's share of day-to-day housework now because I am a stay-at-home carer. He looks after our large garden and cleans the car, he fills and empties the dishwasher, fetches the washing in, will cook dinner/breakfast at the weekends. He sorts out the chickens' coop at the weekend. The only thing he never does is bath the two year old but he will put them to bed once bathed.

Loads. He does 3/4 of school runs, does the ironing and cooks dinner all but 2 nights a week as he’s home first.

Does lots of cleaning and jobs.

Second husband though, first was useless. I learned from it!

DW and I are almost perfectly even.
If one of us doesn't want to do something, they say and the other does.
Because we love and respect each other and want to live happily

I do the hoovering dusting etc and most of the cooking in the week (we also have a cleaner for a few hours, but have dogs so we still have to clean). I also do all the clothes washing and putting away.

He does all the sandwich making stuff during the week for me and the dc, he does all the ironing and cooking, washing up on weekends. Plus any diy, bins out, dog walking and gardening are his thing too.

So actually it all pans out equally

He does 50%, maybe even more recently as we've got a 3 week old so while I was heavily pregnant he took on more of the load and since she's arrived and I've been constantly feeding he's done the same.

I think it's a bit much to call them 'miracle men'- they shouldn't get credit for doing their share of running a household. DH is brilliant, but not because he pulls his weight. I don't get credit for doing the washing, but he does for loading the dishwasher every night

It baffles me why any woman would marry a man who wasn't a fully functioning adult who understood they are jointly responsible for running the household and raising their children.

My DH has a part-time job and mine is full time. We both work at home. He does loads - 90% of the laundry, all the ironing (yay!), more than half of the cooking, probably at least half the shopping, we split DC drop offs and pick ups. I have to travel every so often for work and he obviously deals with everything while I'm away. He's amazing - we've never even had to discuss it.

One thing though is that there is a 10 year age gap between us so he came to our relationship fully formed so to speak so I didn't marry someone who didn't know how to look after himself.

Me and DH both work full time (he's also doing an open uni degree) and he's way better at the housework than me. I do all the cooking, although if I'm working late he would shove pizzas etc in the oven for our boys. We both do the dishwasher and general kitchen tidying but he does everything else, hoovers most days. Does all the boys washing and ironing, including school uniforms. All the gardening and all the DIY. Doing the cooking is a small price for everything else!

We both work fulltime, although I work from home sometimes. We have a cleaner once a week.

Dh does all the washing, puts it in, takes it out and puts it away. He does much more general tidying than me as well. He unloads the dishwasher more than me, not because I time it to finish when he gets in....

I cook, buy most of the food and prepare it but he does much more than me overall

He washes up, puts clothes washes on or hangs the clothes out ( we each do one bit ), hoovers and mops and does the cats litter trays.

He probably does more than me!

I do the washing, ironing , all the cooking and some vacuuming .
Dh does the dishwasher ,vacuuming (more than me) sorts the rubbish , washes the floors and dusts .

Loads ... but she is a woman too.

We both work full time out of the house.

He does his share of cleaning (yes, even bathrooms!), washing-up and ironing.

I mostly put the laundry on in the morning before I go to work because I have more time.

I tend to do the shopping list but mostly he is the one who goes to the supermarket.

I cook during the week because I am home before him but he likes cooking so he does the weekend meals.

Gardening is 50-50.

Our DC is grown up now but I would say he did his share of child care throughout.

Absolutely nothing.
He wouldn't know how to switch the hoover on.
Never washes or irons anything.
Has cooked me one meal in 12 years (that I couldn't eat because I had morning sickness and he made curry)
Never offers to make me a drink

He used to occasionally load the dishwasher but now pays the kids.

He works and I'm a sahm.
Because he works he thinks he shouldn't do anything.

I really don't like him anymore to be honest.

Dp does most, if not all, of the housework. I'm self employed - main business and a side line. I do all paperwork, organisation, financial stuff, appointments etc. It works for us - I loathe cleaning and he bizarrely enjoys it!

He works full time, I'm sahm studying part time.
He:

• does most of the shopping
• takes out the rubbish
• cooks all the weekend meals
• does a couple of loads of laundry a week
• maybe a quarter of the dishes.
• his own ironing (I never iron anything)
• picks up toys a couple of times a week
• one school run a week, and all weekend sport
• pays the bills

DH is a teacher so is often working in the evenings but still puts DD to bed, washes and sterilises all the bottles and cleans the kitchen after I have cooked. He doesn't cook that much as I'm a much better cook than he is but he does do all the breakfasts. He also gets all the little shopping bits on the way back from work if we've forgotten anything from the weekly online shop. He will hoover up and mows the lawn and we split laundry 50/50 depending upon time.

I tend to do more of the spot cleaning of the bathroom / lounge and kitchen and put more stuff away than he does though.

But most importantly, he earns enough to get a cleaner once a fortnight.

Fairly 50/50 here. We are both crap at bathroom cleaning so one of us will tackle it at some point but there's no rule about who will do it. Dusting is me, but mainly as you get polish near him and he'll sneeze his head off. Day to day cooking is usually me, but he's keeping the toddler occupied while I do it. He can and does cook though, usually the meals that take longer to prepare. Laundry and dishes are equal, and he does all the bins. He is more thorough at kitchen cleaning so will deep clean that while I like to whirlwind through the house with the hoover and general tidying. We iron our own things if they need it.

We also, even after 11 years together, will thank each other for doing stuff which is a bit twee but we show we don't take each other for granted.

I do a lot of the house work when it comes to deep cleaning the bathrooms etc as my husband does do long nursing’s shifts and he says I’m OCD which I’m not. I mean he will put things away like pots , or loading the dish washer and will do washing if I haven’t done it, but the laundry basket of clean clothes , food that’s caught in the sink, shower that needs wiping down or dust behind the TV etc won’t be done if magic fairy is on rest 😆 so basically he’ll do things that he can see need doing , but he always says ‘why are you dusting nobody is coming’ and I’m like because I want to live in a clean house lol , if he does polish he won’t polish behind things he will just do the bits you can see . All my friends moan their husbands don’t do anything so I think generally , it is a common occurrence in relationships . If I don’t polish up the skirting boards on the stairs then it’ll build up and up and up lol
But he does do the garden , i have never used a mower and he does the banking stuff .

50% of all tasks, even the boring ones like cleaning the bathrooms. Occasionally ill come home and he'll have washed the floor. Also did 50% of all shitty nappies. Does all bedtimes with me (we have 2 and take one each). Takes care of all his own clothes, I honestly don't really know what clothes he has. Does all his own packing for trips etc. Does 50% of all mental load re kids school stuff and appointments.

He lived alone until his mid thirties so was accustomed to taking care of himself. Once we moved in together I was careful to not take over jobs he was already doing himself. I think a lot of women actually take over a lot of household tasks thinking that it shows love and care. Or maybe to prove they're worth while living with. Or aren't taking advantage". I never bought into that.

Also I literally will refuse to do more than my fair share. I just won't. I will literally say "I cooked - I'm not washing up too, no way"

So it's a combo of him being naturally independent and me being bolshy.

The vast majority of SAHPs and part time workers are women.
I'm not suggesting at all that the WOHP shouldn't take any responsibility around the house but logically that probably influences who does the most housework (as one partner is in the house more).

I'd be interested to know the set up between couples that both work equal ish time out of the home.

We have a cleaner and an after school nanny (latter cooks dd's meals 4 days a week) so there's less for us to do tbh.

I do laundry, top up bathroom cleaning, all school admin, sorting childcare (cost is shared), sorting/buying dd's clothes, organizing parties/presents/social stuff, online food shopping, anything that requires forward planning. I probably do more cooking at weekends but it varies one week to the next.

Dp does everything to do with the garden, car, cat, tech stuff (important as we both work from home sometimes), general DIY and arranging for things to be fixed, bins, top up hoovering, anything gross (cleaning mould, plughole etc).

Rest of chores, cleaning and all of childcare, school drops etc are fairly equal.

Being financially independent, not giving up my job and having an equal ish arrangement was a non-negotiable for me. I wouldn't have settled down with anyone on any other basis.

@troppibambini sounds like you maybe need some marriage counselling tbh

Where to find one - well DH was living by himself, and he managed to feed himself, keep the place tidy, do his laundry, pay his bills etc etc.

I moved in with him.

Now here's the crucial part - I did NOT take all that work over. I moved in as a girlfriend, not as a maid.