To ask you how much your DH/DP really does around the house?

[Pammync]

I’ve been reading with interest the recent threads about “man child” husbands who contribute very little inside and outside of the home. More than anything, I was surprised to see how many people don’t seem to think this is the norm and claim to have wonderful partners/husbands who contribute equal amounts to chores or even do the majority around the house! Where on earth do people find these miracle men?! I’ve been married twice (now divorced) and have had numerous LT relationships over the years. Every single man I have ever been with has been pretty much useless and reluctant to do anything without being nagged and even then it’s never to a good standard. Friends and family members who are married or in relationships all have had the same experience and consider it to be the norm.

Over the last few years I’ve remained single, resigning myself to the fact that men who are clean and tidy, want to proactively contribute to a clean household and share the load when it comes to chores in general simply don’t exist and I’m not suited to being in a relationship.

Reading through the hundreds of posts claiming that such behaviour isn’t the norm, I’m genuinely interested to hear what IS now the norm in your relationships re who does what around the house and how you share the load in general? If things have really changed I better get dating again.

My DH does the DIY, including building us an extension and porch, replacing our roof, putting up decking, laying a patio, and building a beautiful granite wall, sorts out our cars, vans and motorbikes, is in charge of all insurance, does the bins, cooks 50% of the time, does 50% of the laundry, and occasionally hoovers/washes the windows/cleans the bathroom/does the weekly shop if I ask him.

Scandinavia is where I found mine! Most men (not all) are of the miracle kind here when it comes to house chores. DH does 50% of the cooking, 50% of the drop off/pick up kid runs and probably 80% of the house leaning because I hate it. I do 98% of the laundry in return. It works out for us!

Mine is great, does all the cooking and shopping, puts on washing when he sees the need and does his own ironing. I am away in Amsterdam the last week and he cleaned the whole house, changed bed sheets. I am also retired and he works full time.

I’m very sceptical of the posters here who claim their partner does loads. Because in RL I don’t know anyone , whereas it seems to be every second poster on MN. I suspect they are men posting to say how great they are.

@Olga so you're basically calling us all liars or trolls? Sorry but if you have never come across a man who can do the laundry or cook and clean on a regular basis, I feel very sorry for you. Don't accuse me of lying though please.

I genuinely think this is one of the saddest things I've seen on MN, that a woman (sorry, I'm assuming you're a woman) thinks that men who do their equal share are in the minority or simply don't exist. How are we so used to men doing so little? How are we ok with the fact that there's so much inequality even in 'normal' happy marriages and relationships?

God, yes, @FudgeBrownie2019. It is one of the saddest things I've seen on Mn, too, and I've been here a long time.

DH does all of the cooking, laundry and grocery shopping. I do all the cleaning and gardening, and baking. We both work FT and have a child. He's never not done it. I wouldn't have considered starting a relationship with someone who was lazy, had 'gender-based dirtblindness', or thought cooking, cleaning and childcare were the jobs of the person with the vagina.

I also met mine in a nightclub in my teens.

Tbf, this thread does fly in the face of general statistics on the matter.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women-men-household-chores-domestic-house-gender-norms-a9021586.html

But, I suppose it's going to be skewed by self selection and the assumption on MN that if your dh is a lazy git that you brought it on yourself.

Mine cooks once a week and then insists I should wash up as he cooked, despite not washing up at any other time. He washes his own clothes when he has run out. We both work full time.
He once told me he doesn’t care if the house is clean so why would he do it. He compared this to a scenario where he forced me to watch a football match daily despite having no interest.
I’m not being a victim, I know he’s crap but I’d rather just get on with it because I’m not going to leave over it.
Around half of my friends have an even split. The rest have husbands like mine.

When we first got together we were both a bit shit. We were both really young, he'd never lived away from home and had very traditional parents FIL is in charge of earning money, MIL does everything else. We barely lived together a month before DC1 was born, so were in at the deep end.
Things improved with time, when I worked DH really pulled his weight to pick up the slack.
Now I'm a SAHM to school age kids and he is away Mon-Fri so I do everything because there's only me to do it. I get a massive amount of time to myself though so it doesn't bother me that DH only loads the dishwasher and puts a wash on at the weekends. If I wanted I could have a cleaner but I don't see the point unless we could have one daily tbh.
He does loads with the kids at weekends, ferrying them around, he'll do all the great outdoorsy that the kids love but I loathe, and he is always on at them to be respectful of me and to help out around the house which I really appreciate.

I hear you OP. I have never lived with a man who pulled his weight, and only 1 of my friends ever had a man who did.
God knows where these men live cos I don't know them.

Mine does bins, laundry putting away (I do washing), majority of tidying because hes ex-milatary and therefore anally retentive
dishwasher and washing up whoever is there when it needs doing...
I do majority of cooking, shopping and mental load - admin tasks etc.
He does evening jobs (bath and bedtime most nights) with kids and I do morning as that's how our work schedules work.
We have a cleaner though.. and we're quite lazy over cleaning between cleans!
Although since I've been pregnant he's done even more. I haven't touched laundry in weeks! I don't iron. He does.

I live alone as does my DP
He does everything in his home - when he stays at my place he will help with gardening and cooking etc - does lots of DIY for me including fixing my car
When I stay at his house I will help cook and wash up but he won’t let me do anything else
It works for us
I was in a long term relationship a few years ago with someone who had lived alone for many years and his house was immaculate he cooked from scratch every day etc
So many people enable their DH or DS to do very little - I would not live with anyone if they were unwilling to do their fair share

When the kids were young he worked 7 days a week for us. I also worked full time but did all the housework also. Now that he has retired early I still work but he does EVERYTHING at home. What more could I ask for! I have an easy life now!

I’m very sceptical of the posters here who claim their partner does loads. Because in RL I don’t know anyone , whereas it seems to be every second poster on MN. I suspect they are men posting to say how great they are.

I think it largely reflects your social circle. I know my DH is at the good end of the spectrum of other men I know well, but they all contribute a fair amount.

Key points for us:

After DS1 was born, we both compressed our working hours by the same amount.
We do the same number of drop offs and pick ups.
We each do our own laundry and share the kids’; he probably does slightly more of it than I do.
I do more of the school/nursery mental load, eg birthday parties, school calendar etc. My work is closer to school so I do more assemblies etc but he does a fair number. We share out clubs, attending parties, etc.
I do more cooking, he does more washing up and sorting the kitchen.
We have a cleaner once a week.
He does more gardening, it’s pretty even on home maintenance.
He does some bills, I do others.
I do the big online grocery shop, he does more of the in between ones.
We both do equal amounts of tidying.
I am the higher earner (about double his salary) so I contribute more to joint funds.

It’s honestly pretty equal. We each have blind spots that annoy the other (he is shit at mopping down the kitchen counters as well as I’d like; I leave things on the stairs which bugs him, etc) but we sort those issues out like grown ups.

Before we had a cleaner the housework was pretty equal; I probably did slightly more.

I honestly wouldn’t be with him if he was useless and expected someone else to do all the wife work stuff for him just because I have a vagina. I was single a long time for that very reason; I don’t suffer casual misogyny very well.

I found mine pissed as a fart outside our neighbouring halls of residence when we were at uni'.

My DH takes the bins out, on his days off he will cook dinner and wash up. I do everything else but he works 60 hours a week in a demanding job and I'm a SAHM so I think that's fair.

I found mine pissed as a fart outside our neighbouring halls of residence when we were at uni

Maybe getting them young is one answer. When I found mine in a nightclub toilet he was only 21.

Previous poster suggested looking in Scandinavia: they might do equal shares but going by Karl Ove Knausgaard they are not thinking pleasant thoughts while doing it.

He does the majority of childcare plus works full time so I do cut him a lot of slack. He gets the harder deal out of us two.
He takes the bins out, change beddings, some shopping, all DIY and some other random stuff which needs doing. I don't want him doing anymore.

DH does 90% of the house work.
I do 99% shopping and cooking.
DH does his own and dds ironing and I do mine. Works great for us. Also mon-fri he brings me a cuppa up and I do weekends/school holidays. I divorced mi first as he did absolutely nothing even when out of work. So I said to myself fk that that wont be happening again.
Ironically we never discussed it and it just fell into place.

I do the washing/drying clothes
Half the hoovering
Stripping-making the beds
Half of loading the dishwasher
All the decorating

He does everything else-and I’m a messy bugger-he’s always picking up after me
I don’t even know what day is bin day!

I found mine on tinder 😬

I do find it exceptionally depressing that a PP thinks everyone that has a decent partner who pull their own weight is lying. It shows just how low most women have placed the bar - they are all just as capable of doing it all as women (after all we weren't born knowing how to cook/clean/run a house) some just aren't lazy man children

How are we ok with the fact that there's so much inequality even in 'normal' happy marriages and relationship

Who said we are ok with it? In my world you can live with a man and do most of the housework (or, more to the point the thinking about housework, as in , they will generally do it eventually if you tell them to, otherwise known as nagging) or you can not live with a man (which is fine if you can afford the rent/mortgage on you own which most women can't.)
It genuinely is only on mumsnet that I hear women say things like "he does all the cooking, vacs everyday and cleans the bathroom one a week. And I have been in a LOT of nightclub toilets!

Maybe getting them young is one answer
I would reccommend the opposite, let them live by themselves a few years first. The worst cases I know are the men who moved from home where mummy did everything to wife's place, and expected her to take over.

Saying it is a lie enables you to put up with your unequal relationship more comfortably.

Mine is pretty great considering he works full time and I’m a SAHM. He works slightly odd shifts at times, so if he’s here he cooks our evening meal, and does bath/bed with the youngest. I almost always do the eldest because it’s our little bit of time together and I enjoy it. He is quite likely to also clean down the kitchen after cooking, depending on how much time he has between finishing his meal and running the bath. He does the bins, stacks and empties dishwasher, washes up stuff in the sink which can’t go into the dishwasher and wipes down the surfaces if they need doing in the morning. He always does the school run in the morning too. I do all breakfasts and organising ready for school while he showers so he can go to work afterwards if he’s working a morning shift. He doesn’t tend to do laundry but will occasionally stick a load on if it’s really overflowing and puts dry laundry away. He also does most of the food shopping alone (which I’m glad about because I really hate writing the list). I tend to help him put it away when he gets home. He does quite a lot of general tidying and is a very organised person. He gets quite frustrated with my floordrobe

He doesn’t tend to do bathroom cleaning or dusting but will vacuum occasionally. We do general decluttering together, mostly driven by him. I do the deeper clean of the kitchen and clean the floors, but he does also sweep.

I found him in a horrendously rough pub we used to frequent when I was eighteen. He’s an anamoly in his friendship group and very different to his brother. I think it’s just in his nature. He actually had a little wobble before we moved in together because he didn’t know whether he could cope with living with my different standards. I had some hoarding tendencies back then. I think living with him has helped me learn to keep on top of things which has been good for my mental health and helped me feel more in control.

I am physically disabled and my dh is my carer. Despite this I probably do the lion's share of the housework, although this is by choice.

Dh will do absolutely anything I ask him to but needs prompted. This is not a man child thing at all, he has aspergers and just doesn't always connect the dots between actions and outcomes.

I do all of the cooking because I like it and we both agree that I also make better food than him (although he is perfectly capable and when eg I am too unwell or have been in hospital he has brought me lovely nutritious food)

I probably do more of the small things like dusting etc but he does the rubbish and any heavy lifting and looks after little old me too so I can't complain. He asks for and takes direction so I don't feel in any way unsupported.