To ask you how much your DH/DP really does around the house?

[Pammync]

I’ve been reading with interest the recent threads about “man child” husbands who contribute very little inside and outside of the home. More than anything, I was surprised to see how many people don’t seem to think this is the norm and claim to have wonderful partners/husbands who contribute equal amounts to chores or even do the majority around the house! Where on earth do people find these miracle men?! I’ve been married twice (now divorced) and have had numerous LT relationships over the years. Every single man I have ever been with has been pretty much useless and reluctant to do anything without being nagged and even then it’s never to a good standard. Friends and family members who are married or in relationships all have had the same experience and consider it to be the norm.

Over the last few years I’ve remained single, resigning myself to the fact that men who are clean and tidy, want to proactively contribute to a clean household and share the load when it comes to chores in general simply don’t exist and I’m not suited to being in a relationship.

Reading through the hundreds of posts claiming that such behaviour isn’t the norm, I’m genuinely interested to hear what IS now the norm in your relationships re who does what around the house and how you share the load in general? If things have really changed I better get dating again.

washing on, drier, piles and relocated to each persons rooms regularly, cooks tea either 4 or 5 times a week, does the shopping, makes the bed if I forget or run out of time, Hoover's if i've not got round to it. will do a sweep of the bathroom once a week. if I haven't stacked the dishwasher straight after tea for any reason he do that too and put it on.

honestly he probably does more than me, it's not that I'm lazy, it's just if he see it needs doing he'll do it, were as I'll do things as and when. it's a partnership it's not anybody's job to do the chores. if I see some washing needs doing i'll do it, same as the DS if they haven't put their clothes in the basket for awhile, they'll put on their washing plus anything in the basket.

My dad was pretty similar like that.

most men who I dated who are not like that, didn't get very far.

I didn't marry a miracle man, a married a competent human being. It's not luck because a) it's not fucking magical or mythical for a man to look after himself b) I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

He does loads. More than me.

When we first discussed having children he felt very strongly that he wanted them to see us working as a team, sharing the load and not confirming to 1950s stereotypes (his words). So DD sees him doing the ironing, me doing plumbing, us working together on all sorts of projects etc.

He is better at noticing something and just cleaning/sorting it than I am. Our jobs mean he is around more during the day when DD is at school, so he says it is easier for him to keep on top of the day to day stuff. He is a shift worker whilst I am 9-5 so at lot of my time at home is structured around him sleeping (which limits what I can do in the house).

Also due to our working hours, he naturally does more of the school runs/weekday cooking. I pick up more of the weekend stuff with DD. He doesn't drive, so anything that requires a car trip is me (food shopping etc, although he will happily come with). I do more of the planning side of things, from food planning to utilities to making sure healthcare needs are met etc.

He is amazing with DD. We split it all, bedtimes etc. He has taught her to read, taught her to ride her bike, spends ages playing with her etc.

He doesn't expect or want me to carry the emotional load of dealing with his family. I deal with my family. At the same time, he supports me in supporting my family when they need me.

DD2 is due next week and I am really looking forward to being at home to spend more time with him and the kids. He is part time so is around a lot.

He takes the bin out when reminded and he does the DIY when I ask him. I’m a SAHM now but I did all the chores when I worked full time too. He’s the most untidy person you’ve ever met so I spend my life following him round picking up his mess as I like a tidy home. It’s just his nature and I married him this way, even his workshop is very untidy to the point you can’t walk around without standing on tools. He doesn’t cook or clean so I make sure he gets up with toddler DS every morning and he looks after him whenever I want to go out with friends. We’ve got a strange balance but we lead a comfortable life and we are both happy!

Probably roughly equal. We have a cleaner once a week but will both tidy/wipe down kitchen in between. I clean the toilets though. We do our own ironing & he does most of the DIY.

He does the cat litter trays, bins and garden. Cooking is about 70/30 split and whoever doesn’t cook does the washing up.

I mainly do the laundry as I work from home twice a week, but he will do it if it needs doing.

Having a cleaner takes away most of the pain though!

Minimal. Unless I ask/nag

Oh and he comes on the food shop each week and helps put everything away.

Not enough

He does the garden, puts the bins in/out, sorts the cars when needed, the bulk of the DIY when needed.

He very occasionally starts cooking dinner when i'm not home. Does his own ironing.

I do the grocery shopping, cleaning, washing, cooking, etc. I'm fine with it mostly as i'm a bit of a control freak. He does things if I ask/leave him a note, but he's not one for taking the initiative!

I'd be interested to know the set up between couples that both work equal ish time out of the home

That's us FYI, that's why it's 50/50 as I said above.

Lots. Probably more than me and I work from home/look after DD during the day, so tend to be home more. He grew up being expected to do his share, and has always done so. As it should be!

When we first lived together he didn’t do a huge amount which was frustrating. The. When DD was born he switched to doing nothing at all

He works away a month at a time then home a month at a time with me In FT work but even when he was at home he’d do nothing to the extent I had s couple of physical and mental breakdowns.

He always wanted another baby but I’ve refused as I know I wouldn’t cope. He’s improved within the last year but I’m still never having another as I don’t want to risk going back to those days

Not much cooking but that's mainly down to me liking to cook and being home with DD all day. He does some laundry and cleans up after himself. I do the bulk of it. It evens out because as soon as hes home he takes DD plays with her, feeds her and bathes her.

And I think its about respect and consideration - if one of us cooks, the other washes up. I wash dd's school uniform, dp irons it etc.
Its about offering to help if you see the other doing something you could lend a hand with.

Where are all these superhero husbands found?! hmm

My DH isn't a superhero. Just a adult who's well aware it takes 2 to run a household and bring up children.

My dad was pretty similar like that

This may play a big part. My Dad did a lot of housework. So my "normal" was a man doing housework.

Oh I forgot he is always on bin duty and pooper scooping too.

@dameofdilemma we both work 25 hours a week, only difference is his are shifts and mine are more standard office hours. Some weeks I'll do more, some weeks he will. But on the whole he does more day to day stuff.

We do have a fairly intense colour coded Google calendar. Meal planning is also our salvation 😂

That's clearly one of the main issues - it takes SO little to be an amazing superhero husband. Nobody has called me a superhero because I cook and take care of my own children..

I think we have a pretty good balance

DH (works FT but often from home) does the following
All the shopping
All the ironing
Clears up after meals
Sweeps kitchen floor
Makes beds in morning
Maintains cars
Clothes shopping for DS's exc uniform

I do (work 3 days)
All cooking
All washing
Load dishwasher
Most running around for sports at weekend
diary management
Maintain bikes
Uniform shopping for DS's

We share
Breakfast prep and tidy up
Chasing homework
Packing for hols
Gardening
School drop off and pick ups
Rugby boot cleaning (virtually every day)
Hanging out the washing
Managing bill payments and switching utilities insurance etc to get best deals

DS's also pitch in when asked.

We have cleaners 3 hrs a week to do bathrooms quick whiz round other rooms and deep clean 1 room a week.

My DH works away all week so I do it all Mon-Fri. At weekends he does everything. He does more cleaning than me so it's equal.
My father and my grandfather did plenty round the house, it's normal for me, I wouldn't put up with anything else.

DH does all cleaning, hoovering, mopping, changes beds etc.

I do all food shopping and cooking.

We both do dishes and laundry.

It depends. If I'm working away, he steps up and gets shit done. If he's working away, I step up and get shit done. We just function, equally. It's not equal every day, but it feels equal overall.

There are things I'm better at than him; I do practical stuff because my Dad was a sparky and taught me the basics of electrics/plumbing and DIY. But it's not the miracle that some folk make it out to be that he 'babysits' the DC when I'm away with work, or that he does laundry when I'm away. It should be the absolute standard we expect from every person in a relationship.

The majority of the washing, all the ironing (laundry basket is always empty by Sunday morning!). Walked the dog 2x a day when we had him. Vacuumes throughout the house 2x weekly. Loads and unloads the dishwasher. Sorts out the wood burner in winter every day. Does all the diy.
He never cleans the bathroom, mops the floors or cleans the windows. I do the majority of the cooking and food shopping. I do all the financial stuff. When our DD was little, he did all the bed times in the week, all the shopping and some cooking.

Mine does the bins every week, mows the grass when it's needed. He also hoovers the stairs which I hate doing lol. He does the dishwasher, hoovers,mops, does washing although I usually put it away. He does these things when he can see they need doing, I don't ask him. I do most of the deep cleaning (as little as possible haha) We usually sort the kids out together but he's usually the one that baths them. I found him on plenty of fish lol

Manchild is definitely the norm in my household unfortunately.

My OH does very little unless he's asked or needs something for himself. For example, he will put a load of washing on IF there's something he specifically needs washed.

He recently volunteered to do the washing up as I'd been commenting on how he does nothing around the house. A few weeks on from that and he's already down to doing it about once a week when we've literally run out of cutlery.

It's massively frustrating but without being on his back 24/7 it won't change.