To ask you how much your DH/DP really does around the house?

[Pammync]

I’ve been reading with interest the recent threads about “man child” husbands who contribute very little inside and outside of the home. More than anything, I was surprised to see how many people don’t seem to think this is the norm and claim to have wonderful partners/husbands who contribute equal amounts to chores or even do the majority around the house! Where on earth do people find these miracle men?! I’ve been married twice (now divorced) and have had numerous LT relationships over the years. Every single man I have ever been with has been pretty much useless and reluctant to do anything without being nagged and even then it’s never to a good standard. Friends and family members who are married or in relationships all have had the same experience and consider it to be the norm.

Over the last few years I’ve remained single, resigning myself to the fact that men who are clean and tidy, want to proactively contribute to a clean household and share the load when it comes to chores in general simply don’t exist and I’m not suited to being in a relationship.

Reading through the hundreds of posts claiming that such behaviour isn’t the norm, I’m genuinely interested to hear what IS now the norm in your relationships re who does what around the house and how you share the load in general? If things have really changed I better get dating again.

He unloads and reloads the dishwasher if I haven't, empties the bins, vacuums and steam mops downstairs, mows the lawn and takes over feeds/changes for baby when he gets home from work.
He's also very good at opening the curtains in the morning 😂

I'm currently on mat leave so home most of the time, so I do everything else.

One thing I see here that I don't understand is couples who do their washing separately, I find I don't get a full load unless I'm doing all 3 of us at the same time.

We both work full time and share all household tasks.

However I’m currently on maternity leave. DH is a good cook, good at DIY and general household tasks. He will now come home and:

• take the baby for a cuddle, giving me some time to myself (often for a shower)
• cook a meal whilst I bathe baby or
• bathe baby whilst I cook
• we take it in turns to put baby to sleep
• helps with laundry - whether running a wash or drying clothes
• take it in turns with washing the dishes
• we both work together to vacuum or keep the house clean and tidy
• take it in turns to keep house tidy by vacuuming and mopping house
• he also does gardening and general DIY around the house

I’m lucky that he is so helpful but also in this day and age I wouldn’t expect anything less.

All these men who don’t do housework etc - what were they doing before you met them ladies?

I’m just curious. My partner and most of our male friends all lived on their own (or shared a flat with other people their age) for a good 4-10 years before dating and meeting their partners. We had one of our early dates at his place where he cooked dinner, and his house wasn’t spotless but it was nice and tidy and the bathroom was clean. Could never date a man who didn’t have a clean bathroom.

Or are they great as bachelors and then go downhill once you’re married?

We have a cleaner so neither of us does any actual cleaning. DH does half of what's left - washing, dishwasher, gardening etc. I do all the cooking though because I'm better at it

Wow thank for all of the responses! It’s been an interesting and refreshing read.... maybe there is hope for me after all

This is shocking.

I feel for all the ladies on here who this its acceptable to do it all. However you have enabled this behaviour and should stop immediately. You're setting a terrible sexist example to any kids you might have. The next generation of 'helpless' men and 'martyr' women are your own children.

I've been in a same sex relationship for 13 years - I can't imagine being able to use gender stereotypes to avoid housework, bills etc.

@coolwalking I think this is a good point.

I know for me, my dad worked long hours but was always hands on at home. So I had a good role model in that sense. My grandad (his dad) was the same.

I hope that in our case we are doing the same for our DC.

Funnily enough, of my similarly aged friends, the ones with DH who don't pull their weight also had dads who didn't/don't too.

I can honestly say we are pretty 50/50 on household jobs and childcare, but having had this discussion with friends a couple of weeks ago - it would seem this isn’t the norm. This was how it was with my DH’s parents too - so it’s what he grew up with.

Mine currently does the morning shift with the children- gets them both up at 6.30, does breakfast and a few household bits (dishwasher etc) before he heads to work. Nights are awful here with our 2yo and 8mo so the extra hour in bed is so needed for me.
He will do anything I ask but doesn't really see mess and clutter (full washing baskets/scattered duplo/shoes in the hall and not on the rack etc etc) like I do so doesn't really do stuff like that off his own back. He will, however, keep on top of lightbulbs which need changing, drains which need sorting, batteries which need replacing etc. He also does every single piece of household admin we have, organising all bills, making sure we have the best rates with mortgage/energy/internet/mobiles etc. I am beyond useless (Olympic level procrastinator here) so I'm very glad for the division of labour in our household.

I do rather wish he could grow a tit and do an occasional night feed though.

I think we're fairly equally split really.

He does - Bathroom, Kitchen
I do.- all dusting, hoovering and sweep/mop kitchen floors.

We both load/unload (being fair he unloads way more than me as he gets up earlier and does it whilst making breakfast) dishwasher and wash up. We both put on laundry/ hang it out and fold it. He's pretty good at being proactive over laundry.

I do all the ironing as I like it. Also tend to be the one who does/suggests less common jobs such as changing the bedding, cleaning windows and oven. I tend to cook most as I am in first during the week. He will cook on weekends or if we're both in at the same time. But he will usually load the dishwasher and tidy up after dinner.

He's very well domesticated really, I thank my lucky stars that my angel of a MIL brought all her boys up to clean, cook and know how to use a washer. His only fault and my biggest bugbear is he very rarely chooses a meal. He always says whatever you want. Sometimes I just want someone else to decide. I have been known to threaten him with starving to make a choice.

My OH works away so I do all the housework, admin, etc plus I iron his bedclothes (separate beds, we both snore!). When he's home he cooks in a blue moon, leaving a mess and can't locate the washing machine but vaguely knows where the dishwasher is.

However. In the ten years we've been together he's rewired and replumbed the house to a professional standard (self taught), designed and project managed the building of a stable block and riding arena, banged in hundreds of fence posts, built a chicken pen, goat pen, pig pen, learned how to give injections and intravenous drips to horses - all whilst holding down a 12 hour a day job and travelling 6 hours across Europe to be home on a Friday night only to get up at 4am to go back to work on a Monday morning. All from a man who'd never touched an animal bigger than a hamster before I met him.

I can forgive a few dirty plates and I love him.

DH works, does all laundry, washing up/dishwasher loading and unloading, cleans kitchen in evening, cooks on Sunday, takes bins out, mows lawn and cuts bushes, and washes hard floors and hoovers when we have a sporadic deep house clean. Does half childcare/nappies etc when we are both here. Does night wakes for the toddler.

I am a sahm and do all other cleaning, cooking (and breastfeeding!), shopping, gardening, child care/education/entertainment, night wakes with the baby, and all the 'logistics' (bills paid, research when we need appliances, next stage kids clothes bought in time etc).

We both get approximately equal free time.

Apart from child-related things he had to do all that he does now and more before we lived together of course, as he was a fully functional adult with a house to take care of when we met.

Nothing around the house. Not a man child I choose to do things my self have my own routine and enjoy it. I don't like the way he does things he does things in an average way all round. I get agitated if my house isnt as i like it.if I ask him to do anything. He thinks I'm OTT and I would agree. Saying that he makes the bed if he's last out, puts his stuff in the wash and doesn't treat me like a housekeeper. Each to their own. I have friends with husbands who refuse to do anything and believe it isn't their job. That I think is wrong.

He does all the school runs except two which I am happy with.

I'm a SAHM so do a lot of the housework and have the 'mental load' for most of it, but DP also makes a big contribution.

Me:

• Laundry
• Cooking (almost all)
• meal planning and food shop
• cleaning kitchen and bathroom
• dusting and tidying other rooms

DP

• gardening, mowing lawns
• mopping kitchen
• some weekend cooking
• DIY projects

Shared

• ironing
• dishwasher
• hoovering
• putting DD to bed
• weekend childcare

He has always pulled his weight and we did housework 50/50 when we were both working (although he has never believed in dusting).

I'm with you OP, the majority of people I know complain that their husbands/boyfriends don't do much housework/cooking or both. I feel in the minority as my DH does most of the housework and cooks every night. I do the school uniform washes during the week, sort out the kids' uniform and school admin and change the beds. DH does everything else, and I pitch in a bit here and there. I work and he's been a SAHD for the last 4 years, recently started working from home a few hours a week. But even before that he did a lot.
I don't, however, consider myself lucky, because I think it's wrong that men can just assume the position of "I work, women should do housework/cooking", and DH agrees. Most of the time both work so that's not really an argument. My DS's have an excellent example and I hope they'll grow up to be the same

My partner works away so physically isn’t there to do most of it. Great excuse huh?

Me:
All cooking
All cleaning
Food shopping
Bins
Gardening
Laundry
Dishwasher
Hoovering
Tidying
Anything else!

Him:
50% of the childcare at weekends, bedtimes on the nights he’s home
Makes cups of tea
Occasional DIY tasks
Fetches takeaways
Car maintenance
... that’s about it!

Mine does most of the cooking and deals with all finance, so pays bills/invoices/transfers money from/to accounts as we need it, researches and organises new mortgage deals. (We have a joint account, so he’s not financially controlling and I just can’t be bothered!) He walks the dogs, does most of the shopping. He organises holidays, something he’s really good at. He finds amazing hotels and places to visit. He’s also extremely handy and has just ripped out and replaced the kitchen, integrated appliances et al. He’s pretty bloody amazing and I’m aware that I’m very lucky.

I think we're pretty much 50:50.
We share the cooking...I used to do more during the week as I was home more but now I'm working more so he cooks 5 nights out of 7.
We have a cleaner once a week but DH is more picky when it comes to dirt and more likely to lift the hoover during the week or clean the windows. I am more picky about tidyness so I'm more likely to clear stuff away.
I do all the laundry. He does all the garden and DIY.
The kids do the dishwasher and recycling.
I think I've got a good'un.

He does more than me. He makes breakfast and sandwiches for lunch and clears up afterwards and feeds the cat. I clean up after the cat.

After breakfast we both load the dishwasher. I put washing on and later hang it out. He brings it in and I put it away.

I put the bins out. He brings them in and puts new bags in the bins.

He does the vast majority of diy and car sorting.

We generally cook together and he washes up. I make more cups of tea. I do slightly more cleaning and tidying, but we both do it. It is generally more me because he is doing diy or gardening while I am doing it.

He does the heavier jobs in the garden.

He does more of the mental load of shopping, insurance and sorting stuff. I had a broken padlock tonight so texted him and he had dug out our spares by the time I got home ten minutes later.

I work longer hours and have a time consuming hobby. He benefits financially from my longer hours. I genuinely feel we have a reasonable balance.

He gets praise for it though from his ex's sister who frequently tells him how good he is and was for this. His mum thought he did too much.

Trouble is you don't really know what they are like until you live with them.

My DH is king of the kitchen where he rustles up meals and then cleans up before you have even thought of it. However, he does no admin at all or anything that requires thought/research/planning. That’s all on me, which gets a bit wearing from time to time.

He does: bins, hoovering, dishes, anything car-related & most of the bicycle maintenance.

I do: food shopping, most of the cooking, gardening, cleaning bathroom, pets & bills.

Other cleaning & laundry is split pretty much 50/50. I'd say that overall we're close to an even split, although I do nearly all the mental/remembering work.

Mine does nothing of his own accord, but will do anything if I ask.

Bit of a pain, but ultimately everything gets done fairly.

i started to list what dh is in charge of, then realised it has been about three weeks since i lifted a finger in the house due to one illness or another. Dh has done all the cooking and cleaning washing and ironing. He also makes me cups of tea in the evenings and one in bed every morning.

Usually, i do bathroom, beds, vacuuming upstairs, mirrors, windows, ironing, weeding, walking dog at luncH on my days off, making lunch and breakfast on days off work / school. Sort homework and all school nonsense. Make appointments.

Dh does kitchen, downstairs cleaning, vacuuming downstairs and stairs, washing up, washing and drying clothes, mowing, walking dog morning and evening, litter trays, cleaning fish, all the driving and all the cooking of evening meals. He makes my lunch every day for work and deals with the childrens water bottles and fruit for school.

My partner is amazing. He does his fair share of housework and childcare.