To ask you how much your DH/DP really does around the house?

[Pammync]

I’ve been reading with interest the recent threads about “man child” husbands who contribute very little inside and outside of the home. More than anything, I was surprised to see how many people don’t seem to think this is the norm and claim to have wonderful partners/husbands who contribute equal amounts to chores or even do the majority around the house! Where on earth do people find these miracle men?! I’ve been married twice (now divorced) and have had numerous LT relationships over the years. Every single man I have ever been with has been pretty much useless and reluctant to do anything without being nagged and even then it’s never to a good standard. Friends and family members who are married or in relationships all have had the same experience and consider it to be the norm.

Over the last few years I’ve remained single, resigning myself to the fact that men who are clean and tidy, want to proactively contribute to a clean household and share the load when it comes to chores in general simply don’t exist and I’m not suited to being in a relationship.

Reading through the hundreds of posts claiming that such behaviour isn’t the norm, I’m genuinely interested to hear what IS now the norm in your relationships re who does what around the house and how you share the load in general? If things have really changed I better get dating again.

My first husband - zero despite him not working as washing up was too stressful.

My new partner - he does a lot

Majority of cooking. He is better than me and does it while I do bedtime.

Cleaning - again he is better and stays on top of things but we do have cleaner so neither of us do much

Laundry - that all me. His is happy to put it on, I do the chore of sorting it all out

80% of pick up/drop off so during the week more childcare - I have a longer commute.

The key is - we both work hard and support each other. On an evening we share chores so I am not lounging round while he cooks - I am tidying

We both have pretty lax standards for housework but he definitely does the majority

I've thought similarly, OP, having read the threads you're referring to! I think my DH would be considered a manchild.

I'm definitely the one who gives the most shits about the state of the house, and I have to nag remind him to tidy up after himself. He does a lot of cooking (all of it, really) and loads the dishwasher a few times a week. I do all of the cleaning. We pay someone to do our ironing. I've had to force myself to be less obsessed about the state of the house in general (probably a good thing - it's not exactly a game you can win, is it?) and he does more house stuff than he'd like (I'll sometimes put jobs on a list for him to do after I go to bed, as he's a night owl). He's a handy guy to have around when things break, but he is lazy when it comes to gardening which is a shame because I don't do that either. We should probably get a gardener and split the cost. When we first got together it was probably an 80-20 split of household chores. These days it's closer to 60-40 but only because I refuse to cook and I clean much less now! I'd be happy to have a house that looked like a show home, but DH really wouldn't so he isn't going to put the work in to keep it constantly clean (and why should he?) After years of having the same arguments, I think we've finally reached a compromise we're both equally unhappy with

Living alone with my kids at the mo. But previous husband was v tidy generally and he liked to spend Saturday mornings cleaning (both worked and no kids). I wasn't keen to do that and like to tidy and clean along the way. He would nag me to join his Saturday morning clean! My next ex (we had a child) would clean and tidy, but I did a lot more once we had a little one and I was part time.

I mean, how many ways of turning on a washing machine or vacuuming are there? If a toilet is scrubbed, does it matter what technique was employed?

You'd be surprised! Left to his own devices my DP would mix whites and darks, wouldn't know what temperature to wash what items at, wouldn't know which detergent for which washes (baby clothes for example)- I've caught him using fabric softener as detergent before!

When DP hoovers he will drag it around the house, fine. But even after hoovering I'll find bits on the floor that he missed/went over once and weren't picked up and just moved on. When I hoover I double check I got everything, I pay attention to behind doors, I do skirting boards, under furniture, make sure to go over any spots that hair is brushed over etc etc. There's just more care involved when I do housework where as DP will do the bare bones. I wouldn't even say he was being lazy, it genuinely just doesn't occur to him to do it any other way.

The funny thing is when you do finally put your foot down and you say sorry I have too much to do already and you need to be doing the ironing and cooking (ex husband 2 his standards were so low he decided to start going to work in extremely creased trousers and work shirts) they will cook and iron for themselves but don't cook or iron for you.

Virtually nothing, or the garden - he doesn’t even know where things are.

Way more than me tbh, he does dishes, cleans the floors, does the washing. I cook, also help with the other bits but he does the lions share, especially now I am struggling to walk as much due to back pain

He's puts the bins out. Will empty the dishwasher. Feed the cat. Does all the gardening. He doesn't cook and I am glad of that.

My son and DIL both work full time and he does about 80% of the work at home and all of the admin.
That's because I didn't raise a lazy, oafish manchild.

Well, we both work full time, but my job is home based, whereas DH has about 1.5 hour each way commute. He comes in and immediately starts clearing any laundry that has been drying (no tumble dryer) and does the ironing. I cook, he clears, washes and dries. I put laundry on and hang up during my working day. I do the bulk of the cooking and general tidying all week. Most Fridays, he cleans the whole house top to bottom, with me helping out, although I usually vacuum a a couple of extra times each week. He does most of the gardening, again I do a bit to help out. I do the school runs and most child related mental load stuff and the food shopping. I walk the dog and do pet management tasks.

He also coaches/manages two junior cricket squads and runs a local political group. So, we have fallen into roles where I do most of the day-to-day stuff to keep us going, then he does the intense blitzing when he is available.

Overall, I think we are pretty evenly balanced and we operate a general policy where as long as there are tasks to be done,we both keep going. It is rare that one will be chilling while the other is blue-arsed flying!

My dh gets in from work and pitches right in. If something needs to be done, it gets done by whoever is available to do it. I can see the effect this has on my ds aged 3. if he wants something he comes to whoever is there. Not just me. To my ds it's just normal to see his dad cook or clean. Sometimes it's just the two of them in the kitchen and it makes me so happy that this is his normal.
I would feel disgusted with myself if I chose one of those pathetic men who feel they are helping out/ do absolutely nothing. Those type of men are just as bad as the women who enable them.

My DF and DFil aren’t lazy manchilds nor is my DH and I certainly haven’t raised out DS to behave like that. Why do you put up with it - why is it considered women’s work? DH and I both work full time and jointly parent our DC’s and run our home.

My DH probably does more. I work 3 days and look after DS 2 days. His work is quite ad hoc but he does work most working days.
He does all cooking, all food shopping, cleans up after dinner, wipes down kitchen etc, takes bins out, hoovers occasionally, washes and hangs up his clothes and all DIY.
I change the beds, clean the bathrooms, hoover, other cleaning, wash and hang up my clothes and DS's.
He definitely does more than I do but I do all the organising, managing the diary, appointments, visiting schools, remembering things, organising to see friends etc etc. We share pick up and drop offs to the childminder and childcare is very shared on the days we are both home.

I sometimes think I should do more but he really enjoys cooking and it all seems to work ok.

My husband does at least half of everything, sometimes more (I’m heavily pregnant at the moment so he’s been doing much more than his fair share bless him!)

I'm a SAHM with three children, one is a toddler. DH works 9-5.

During the day I tidy, put on laundry, prepare meals and clear up. I meal plan and shop. We both hoover. We split bedtimes.

He usually clears up after tea and unloads the dishwasher first thing in the morning. He usually (or manages the DC doing it) puts the laundry away and keeps the kids' rooms tidy.

I usually change bedding. He mows the lawn. We do 50/50 childcare at weekends.

Dishwasher is emptied. He will rarely refil.

Will put on a wash but will ask 'shall I put on a wash'
Will cook ' what shall I cook'
He asks me everything.
Will do packed lunches now to a list I had to give him of contents.

Everything else, I do or have to ask him. He is supposed to read meters but doesn't, I have to remind him. Tells me has then we got £500 in arrears.

Will mow lawn, only because he bought a very expensive petrol strummer it takes 10 minutes to get going. He left the lawnmower we had out in the rain.

DIY - he will try then leave undone. House walks full of holes drilled and left. If I get in a tradesman, he won't engage with them, I do it. He says he hates being judged for not being able to do DIY and that is more important than any needs we have eg shelves being put up or basic house repairs.

We do about half each, but divide tasks up to our strengths & preferences ie specialise. So I do all the washing, but he stacks the dishwasher & cleans the kitchen 9 times out of 10.

We have cleaners which helps, and I work part-time with both dc at school so take on a bit more domestically to reflect that but we do share things very equally - and I can’t ever imagine him refusing to do something or not pulling his weight.

We’re a partnership & quite frankly neither of us would put up with less. I struggle to understand how some people do tbh.

DH and I both work full time, have a 2 year old and I'm pregnant again. Definitely 50/50 here although we do have a cleaner who does kitchen, bathrooms, hoovering & ironing. DH leaves for work early so I get DS up, breakfast and nursery drop off, but he gets home before me so does dinner & playtime each evening. We take turns to do DS bedtime - the other tidies toys up and makes dinner. Whoever didn't cook stacks the dishwasher later. We do a rough meal plan each weekend and a big shop together. Childcare very much split although DH did the lion's share of potty training and is handling most wake-ups because I'm so tired with the pregnancy. I tend to buy more of DS' clothes but DH will buy toys and books. Each do our own family & friends' presents/ cards etc. It works well.

Genuine question for those of you who also work FT but husband doesn't do his share: what would happen if you just said I'm not carrying you any more and from now on you do your own clothes/ cook half the meals, clean the bathroom once a fortnight etc? Surely he'd have to step up?

Well I had the lazy man child when I met him in terms of keeping a tidy home, but then I was a messy git as well! So I suppose that helped... it only became an issue when I fell pregnant and basically - after his initial over the moon reaction - I sat down with him and said I need to change with regards to X, Y and Z behaviour if I’m ever going to be the sort of mum I want to be, do you think there are any changes you need to make? It was a bit of a test and I apologised later down the line for that, but thankfully he gave me his own X, Y, Z’s and then added “and we’re both messy fuckers, not raising a child in a messy place.”

So we got on with it, if at any point he feels he’s doing more than his fair share he points it out and if I ever feel he’s doing less than his fair share I point it out.

I’m a SAHM to our twins now so I do most of the daily chores but have always reminded him, as a SAHM my job is to look after and raise our children, so I’ll do the housework where I can but most of that will be in direct relation to their needs (washing clothes, bottles, pots, cooking, hoovering and sweeping/mopping the floors etc) I do these chores for their benefit - I’m not a 1950’s housewife, nor am I a maid.

That has only had to come out once or twice when he started ‘slipping’ (here meaning dodging domestic work) as most of the time we just do the jobs without much mention or fuss.

He did start out like a puppy wanting a pat on the head and a treat for simple tasks like washing the pots or putting a load of his own washing in (this was whilst I was still pregnant with the twins) I shut that shit down pretty sharpish.

Like with most things relationship wise, I think if something is clearly communicated as an expectation from the beginning then you’re more likely to have success (providing its a good relationship that both parties are invested in and nobody gets tyrannical of course).

Loads, he does all the ironing, hangs out the washing, cooks 3 x per week, cooks breakfast at weekends, empties the bins and washes up every night.

I do Everything else

Ex H did almost nothing. he would do something if it took one step, was quick and was right in front of him (Eg- take out bins or wipe a surface or change a nappy). Annoyingly, this was just enough to convince him he contributed and in fact he would get pissy with me about those instant things if he saw them undone.

He did nothing strategic or that took more than one step or 10 mins. So I managed all finances, insurance, direct debits, licenses, dentist and GP registration, quotes for and choosing contractors for repairs, sorting through old stuff, finding storage solutions, buying new equipment/ cars, all cooking, systemic cleaning etc..When we moved house, Idid everything - choosing and communicating with estate agents, lawyers, movers, mortgage brokers, decluttering, repairing, researching schools and areas, searching for houses (he turned up to choose from the top 5, after I had whittled down from hundreds,) moving all the contracts etc etc..... we both worked full time and I earned significantly more than him. I was utterly exhausted and any time I asked him to do something he would huff and puff and then come back with 5 stupid questions until I just gave up and took the task back. I cannot believe I tolerated it but it was all I had ever known.

My new DP is completely the opposite. He doesn't even live with me yet and he takes care of my garden, fixes stuff in the house, and - now that he has been with me more than a year- he has absorbed when stuff like my MOT expires and automatically takes care of it for me. It feels like a different world and I am just slowly getting over my exhaustion and getting used to not having to carry all my burdens on my own.....

Oh, and DP also does all the ironing - from his culture he tells me men see ironing as their job! He takes real pride in it. He is built like rambo, and I still get a kick out of it! 😀😀

He does about 40% (but he also does cars and garden so it's probably equal overall)

He's a SAHD so a lot. All cooking, dishwasher, online food shop and meal plan with no input from me, most of the washing.

I tend to do the (minimal) cleaning and ironing.

He's brilliant and always has been, no 'training' needed