To ask you how much your DH/DP really does around the house?

[Pammync]

I’ve been reading with interest the recent threads about “man child” husbands who contribute very little inside and outside of the home. More than anything, I was surprised to see how many people don’t seem to think this is the norm and claim to have wonderful partners/husbands who contribute equal amounts to chores or even do the majority around the house! Where on earth do people find these miracle men?! I’ve been married twice (now divorced) and have had numerous LT relationships over the years. Every single man I have ever been with has been pretty much useless and reluctant to do anything without being nagged and even then it’s never to a good standard. Friends and family members who are married or in relationships all have had the same experience and consider it to be the norm.

Over the last few years I’ve remained single, resigning myself to the fact that men who are clean and tidy, want to proactively contribute to a clean household and share the load when it comes to chores in general simply don’t exist and I’m not suited to being in a relationship.

Reading through the hundreds of posts claiming that such behaviour isn’t the norm, I’m genuinely interested to hear what IS now the norm in your relationships re who does what around the house and how you share the load in general? If things have really changed I better get dating again.

DH works FT and I'm self-employed from home with variable hours (sometimes none, sometimes more than he does). We also both have health issues so depends on how each of us are feeling at times too.

Depending on who has more time/better health we'll each do different things, but generally I tend to do all the cooking just because I'm better at it and enjoy it, I do most of the laundry but DH will do it if I tell him which programme to use, he does all the ironing and the hoovering/sweeping, we share shopping (usually big shop being him or both of us, I do the majority of top up shops unless he's able to pop in after work as he works shifts and can't always do so). DC are teen/preteen age now so they walk the dogs and wash and dry the dishes and tidy and hoover their bedrooms. DH will clean the bathroom but I'll often do things like the taps etc afterwards as he does the big things and doesn't think of that side of things, I'm usually the one to think about things like cleaning kitchen cupboard doors, light switches, handles etc. We have a gardener for mowing the grass but DH used to do that too.

My XH did nothing, ever! He heated up food a handful of times, he didn't even cook the night I had my DS. He is a changed man since he got with his new partner though so they are capable!

My now DP is doing practically everything as I have a broken ankle!
I say everything, he doesn't clean the bathrooms I don't think it even occurs to him/see's it. He doesn't wipe down the kitchen/hob as often as I would.

But he does the bins, most of the dog walking and the lawn plus a fair share of cooking, dishwasher, washing, ironing, hoovering, putting shopping away. We both just do what needs doing and when, if I am late he will sort dinner - although I have the mental load of the deciding what to have, shopping for it and for buying anything for the household.

My DH is wonderful, a real 50:50 partner. We alternate cooking/washing up, share the laundry, both do food shopping and share the house work. I do the gardening (because I like it).
I do the xmas and birthday present sourcing, and also dealing with external people, DH deals with bills and form filling.
Works well for us.

He cooks all meals
He does school runs
Makes kids lunches
Gardening and DIY
I do cleaning, washing and sort bills.

I don’t think these super husbands that do an equal share are the norm in the real world. I certainly don’t know any like it in my groups of friends and my dh does a lot more than most!

I’m a sahm so I basically do everything and he works and that’s the way we like it. He will however load and unload the dishwasher and occasionally cut the grass if asked. When the dc were little he would be very hands on with them - shared night feeds, changed nappies etc. So it’s just the housework we don’t share and that’s fine by me, I’d just end up doing it again anyway as I have ways I like to do it!

We both work FT and I'd say we deal with things 50:50. DH claims he does more as he pays the cleaner who comes 6 hours a week - it upped from 3 hours a week when he started working away more.

He does:

Majority of the groceries
Cleans the house every weekend which includes the bathroom and vacuuming both floors
All laundry and folding
Feeds our 4 year old dinner and bedtime every night
All garden and outdoor related stuff including cleaning the cars
Cooks dinner atleast once a week
Wakes up with DS on the weekends so I can lie in

We both work full time and I couldn't manage without him

DH does almost everything. But I work full time and he doesn't! Works for us.

Absolutely nothing inside the home but he works harder than I ever could at his job (which he often does from home) and he works incredibly long hours, so at times I will be happily dozing off while he’s still typing away! He spends weekends with the kids though, and either takes them out somewhere to give me a nice break or we go out as a family and sometimes both. So although he doesn’t do any housework at all, and I do everything and also have a cleaner come once a week, I have absolutely no complaints.

Mine absolutely has to pull his weight and do 50%. I wouldn’t of married him if he didn’t. I wanted an equal in a partner so both work, parent and do the house stuff. The children see it being shared so hopefully will copy it in adulthood.

I can understand it being unequal where one partner opts out of financially providing or does just a few hours. Most posts I’ve seen about men not doing heir share don’t have equal working hours whatsoever so of course it won’t be 50/50.

I don’t think these super husbands that do an equal share are the norm in the real world. I certainly don’t know any like it in my groups of friends and my dh does a lot more than most!

I can assure you that I live in the real world, as do my friends and family.

I’m a sahm so I basically do everything and he works and that’s the way we like it. He will however load and unload the dishwasher and occasionally cut the grass if asked. When the dc were little he would be very hands on with them - shared night feeds, changed nappies etc. So it’s just the housework we don’t share and that’s fine by me, I’d just end up doing it again anyway as I have ways I like to do it!

Perhaps SAHMs who are unusually attached to particular ways of doing housework are unusually highly-represented among your friends? And can I ask what these mysterious 'ways' are? I mean, how many ways of turning on a washing machine or vacuuming are there? If a toilet is scrubbed, does it matter what technique was employed? (I appreciate it may be a bit different if you're married to someone who likes to cook, but makes food that's not to your taste, or simply not very good.)

We split the house in half when it comes to cleaning. He does the kitchen, hallway, stairs and living room and I do the bedrooms, bathroom, windows and the landing. It works pretty well for us but he's not very good at doing a proper deep clean so I tend to go around and do the bits he's missed. However he also does the garden, most of the laundry and the bins. When I used to cook for both of us, he always did the dishes afterwards.

It's great now but when we first moved in together, I had so many arguments with him about pulling his weight that we actually broke up for about an hour!

Oh, and I handle all the bills.

I'm a sahm so I do most of it.

DH just does whatever I say needs it. Like can. You hoover upstairs today or whatever.
I find by time he gets in and showers (messy dirty job so won't sit on furniture like it) we eat and then we like to chill. So normally I wash up, ds dries and packs away whilst dh baths toddler.

I wouldn't trust him with the laundry I'm too particular and he's color blind so would wash things together that I wouldn't.

He'd do gardening if I've not done it. But I tend to crack on with everything when dd naps or she 'helps'

Mine is brilliant, we do what we see needs doing 50/50. Dh does the garden and DIY (has just renovated the house to an excellent standard). I do all food planning/cooking (he can cook but doesn't do a lot) and most cleaning and childcare, but he contributes to all of that too. Definitely a partnership, and we take time to see and appreciate what the other has done.

It would probably be esier to say what he doesn't do (unless asked)

Hoovering, mopping the kitchen floor and cleaning his bathroom. He isnt bothered by mess so doesn't 'see' to do it..however if I ask him he will do it. He works 4 on 4 off days so when I'm working is at home more than me.

He does everyhting else, more than half the cooking, cleans up the kitchen almost all the time washing ironing. Does most of the shopping

But I think the most important thing is he actually 'thinks'. If DS needs something, clothes new shoes something to do with school it will be sorted. We both deal with certain house/life admin. It is not all left to me

He does way less than he thinks he does. He's inefficient and slow. I could clean the whole house in the time it takes him to hoover the stairs. He never does the ongoing tidying up that I am constantly doing as he seemingly cannot multitask. He would argue that he does his fair share but is oblivious to half the jobs that go towards keeping a home clean.

Dh does bins, unloads dishwasher in the morning, makes our SK size bed, mows lawn and all bills

I do cooking, general tidy during the day, nearly all washing and children’s beds and do some gardening

And have a cleaner 4 hours weekly to do heavy cleaning work

Ok now going to read thread to see how it compares

All DIY outsourced as better that way

I'm a SAHM I do everything in the house but I enjoy looking after him and DD
He works very hard and does all the DIY which there was alot of
But I really really love doing all the other stuff including cooking

He does the same amount as me, just different jobs. He never cleans the bathroom, but he does so most of the vacuuming. I tend to wipe the kitchen down more often than him, but he’s more likely to deep clean (cupboards, moving units etc). I’m pretty bad with DIY because I’m short, not very strong, and not very practical so he generally does anything like that, whereas I do more (but not all) washing and putting clothes away. The “mental load” stuff like bills, insurance, banking paperwork etc is 99% me, but that’s by choice. I lived alone before we were together whereas he lived with parents, so I’m used to being in control.

It’s hard to say whether it’s 50/50, but it’s as close as I care about.

Dh does more than me during school term time (cooking every evening, laundry, vacuuming, dishwasher). I then swap and I do more in school holidays (childcare, cooking, bigger cleaning jobs, etc). Over the year we average out as doing a similar amount, although at certain times of the year we each feel hard done by (I feel hard done by in the run up to Christmas as I sort all presents, he feels hard done by at exam season as I have so much work to do he picks up my chores as well some weeks).

DH does pretty much all the stuff I do...cook tea sort lunch out washing in and out fixes stuff hoovers changes beds buys birthday cards presents does food shop. It’s a shared household so shared responsibilities. I couldn’t live with a man child

I am hands on with kids and sometimes help DH around the house as well. Oh and take the bins out. He's so lucky!

DP does the food shopping, cooking, washing up, bins and irons his work shirts. I'm trying to get him to wipe down the surfaces every evening as well but it's a work in progress...

If I ask though, he does other jobs but sometimes it's easier for me just to do it myself as he's very slap dash and is an awful procrastinator.

I do lose my temper though on occasion when wake up and come to make breakfast to see stagnant water in the sink full of remnants of last night's dinner with dirty cutlery lurking at the bottom (so he's done the bulk of the washing up and decided just to give up and switch on the xbox) which I then have to go elbow deep in to drain (after my lovely morning shower!) and then clean it all and disinfect. It makes me rage because it would have taken him an extra 5 minutes to do the job properly and swill out the sink but it takes me ages coming to it the next day because it's gone all manky.

I hate it when my MIL laughs about all this and says 'oh, that's my fault- I spoiled him a lot when he was at home'. I'm sat there with a face like thunder like 'you must be so proud'.

Not slating DP though, he's a fantastic partner and works very hard. He would do anything for me. I just get wound up that he wouldn't know where to start with taking initiative around the house- he always needs to be asked.