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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

198 replies

ncmarriedtoamanchild · 15/10/2019 13:01

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... Hmm but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 15/10/2019 17:06

It's not a matter of who does who. (Of course nobody's perfect; and of course nobody knows how to do everything, or enjoys it).

The point is that the OP's partner EXPECTS her to take charge of household stuff. He makes no effort. He ignores her unhappiness.

They could be perfectly happy paying someone else to do the chores (or some of them), or sharing them even though they both hated them and bungled them most of the time. They would be partners then.

Get a divorce, OP. Life's too short to play mother to your husband (which, for me, is one of the worst libido-killers possible).

DistanceCall · 15/10/2019 17:11

Who does WHAT, obviously. Argh.

kiki22 · 15/10/2019 17:14

I'm 33 and have so many friends who stuck with a useless man because he went to work and didn't abuse her they thought it was enough. They are now in their early to mid 30's either hating life and struggling under the load of carrying the whole family or single and fighting for the dad to lift a finger. One particular ex will only have the kids day time at his mums because he can't cope 🙄.

Tell him he pulls his finger out of you walk don't get stuck with a man child. My own dp wasnt great about a I did about 70% of everything tbh but I told him when I was your age grow up or move out and he did grow up and now we have a great balance.

MzHz · 15/10/2019 17:15

Fucking hell, you’re 26! Thought you were going to say your were at least 56!

Your relationship is dead in the water. Cut your losses now and find a real man to pitch in with you.

He won’t change.

Catsandchardonnay · 15/10/2019 17:17

He’s never going to change. It will only get worse over time and you’ll end up hating him. Leave now while you’re still young and have chance to find a decent man to have kids with.

Ferretyone · 15/10/2019 17:19

@ncmarriedtoamanchild

The difficulty is that while you may consider leaving the practicalities are often enormous. One poster suggested "eviction" which is even more unlikely.

You seem to focus [as a symptom] the mess around the house and so on. It "might" be [though I suspect counsellors might disagree[ that if you solved that by - for example - getting a cleaner things might improve. Or you could [both] see the underlying problems more clearly.

Thatnovembernight · 15/10/2019 17:19

This will be 1000 times worse if you have children. My exh was a lot like this. He moved out nearly 2 years ago and I am still digging through areas like the shed and garage which were ‘his’ and dealing with the filth and mess he left behind.

MitziK · 15/10/2019 17:22

He doesn't want to do housework. He doesn't want to pick up after himself. He doesn't want to bother his pretty little head with any of the boring, womanly things. He had his Mummy #1 and then, just as he was finding out that being a Grown Up wasn't all fun, he got himself a Mummy #2 with the Sexy Times Add-on Pack.

Free yourself, have amazing sex with a real man/men/woman/women/whoever the fuck you like and if you meet one that you think is worth your settling down with, knowing what the shit version is like, do it.

Tellmetruth4 · 15/10/2019 17:22

Do not have kids, you’ll have both him and them to contend with. You’re young enough to start again.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 15/10/2019 17:25

Leave, find someone better while you're still young.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2019 17:33

Bin and move on. Men like this never change because they have an unshakeable belief that women are not fully human: women are domestic appliances with dicksucking facilities. The refusal to 'see' mess is a refusal to do domestic work because he thinks it's beneath him, and he knows that you will eventually give in and do the task yourself.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 15/10/2019 17:33

Haven't even read the full thread
But I just need to say

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN
I REPEAT
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN

RegretnaGreen · 15/10/2019 17:54

God my fanny would slam shut around a muppet like him! You would be able to hear the clang in Slimbridge!

GaraMedouar · 15/10/2019 17:55

As others have said Do not have children with this manchild. You are 26. Plenty of time.

NerdyBird · 15/10/2019 18:03

OP you have already tried ultimations so I don't think trying another type would change much, because he thinks you won't follow through. You need to take a decisive action - whether that's asking him to leave, leaving yourself or stopping doing anything for him. If he won't change, you will have to, and I'm sure you don't want to turn into his skivvy so you really only have one choice.
My DH is not like this for sure.

flumposie · 15/10/2019 18:04

Leave. You have your whole life ahead of you still.

HEMammajamma · 15/10/2019 18:06

Gosh! Why is everyone telling her not to have children with him as if she is a child? If she goes ahead to have children with the same man she is now complaining about wouldn't it be the same thing some of us are talking about- whose fault would it be if she comes back to complain about the same things? Or would you all say it's the man's fault she DECIDED to have kids with him?

She has yet to answer if he was this way before they got married but ofcourse let's heap the blame on the man immediately for dragging her into the marriage.

He's a slob. Yes. You didn't cause it. Not your fault. LTB if you want.

Was he always a slob before you married him? Yes? Well then don't complain. You saw it coming. Leave if you still want to.

No? Look for counselling and he needs to straighten his shit out or leave if you want to. Not your fault.

OP, you know what to do. Have children or don't have children. Leave or don't leave but it's entirely up to you what you CHOOSE to put yourself through if you continue to stay with this "manchild".

HEMammajamma · 15/10/2019 18:10

I meant shouldn't she know not to bring kids into this world with someone she feels this way about.

Seeingadistance · 15/10/2019 18:20

I was going to suggest divorce before I got to the end of your first sentence.

Life is far too short for this shit, OP. Get rid and enjoy your freedom!

Tun55 · 15/10/2019 18:42

Op, I left my successful city career because my DH is like this and I don’t have the courage to leave. My DH is EXACTLY like yours!
I’m 40 next month. 2 kids. I pulled along everything while working full time for over 14 years. I was constantly stressed. Now my health started to get affected and so I had to leave my job. We had cleaners etc but there is still so much to do! If Cleaner’s didn’t turn up or if we had childcare issues, it was all down to me to sort out. Lots of fights, arguments and tears over the years. He does some work for a few days (with a grumpy face and giving me silent treatment), but goes back to his old self in a few days.
I admit I do get some free time to chill now, he doesn’t mind being the breadwinner, but I feel this role has been pushed on to me. I didn’t have a choice. I’m re-skilling now to find remote work.
You need to carefully think and decide if you are ok to be in my place when you are 40.

StopSayingPickyTea · 15/10/2019 18:42

Oh my god, run.

MyMyHeyHey · 15/10/2019 18:43

Leave him. It won't get better and he's 35 - I'd say if he wanted to change his habits he would have done by now. You've got your whole life ahead of you, so don't settle for just enough.

LemonPrism · 15/10/2019 18:46

You have ages to find someone else - he sounds like an idiot. You should still fancy them at late 20s!!!

DP does all the laundry, DIY and handles finances

DistanceCall · 15/10/2019 18:50

You should still fancy them at late 20s!!!

Ideally, you should fancy them all your life. Yes, it's possible.

mbosnz · 15/10/2019 18:52

God my fanny would slam shut around a muppet like him! You would be able to hear the clang in Slimbridge!

That almost made me laugh out loud, which considering the truly foul mood I'm in with my dearly beloved, is really quite something. I think my fanny currently resembles a gin trap. . .