Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

[ncmarriedtoamanchild]

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

[Dljlr]

No kids? I'd be out of there today, or he would. Life is too short and he's a twat.

[ThatMuppetShow]

basically he can't be arsed.

no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'. that's utter bollocks.
It is true that people have completely different standards, and your DH might be exactly the same if he was on his own. Should he change for you? That's debatable.
Do you have to put up with it? Only if you want to.

I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes.
but that's not your problem, is it. He's not your child, you are not responsible.

The ball is entirely in your camp, if it's not a life you want, then yes, of course separate. It will only get worst if you ever have kids.

[Spinderellacutituponetime]

They (men) are definitely not all the same! Makes me so cross to hear this. I couldn’t function without my husband, he’s great emotionally and practically and we share responsibilities of running a home. If you are not happy and can’t see things changing then leave. Life is too short to stay tied to a relationship that isn’t equal or joyful.

[blackcat86]

He sounds like a massive twat but you have committed to a marriage and whilst divorce is an option I do think that some couples counselling where you starkly lay this all out would be a good first step. When my marriage was in crisis I found couples counselling really helpful and although we chose to move forward, had our differences not been resolved I would have known I had done all i reasonably could and there were no routes left to explore.

[Basil90]

If having DC is important I would leave now

[FizzyGreenWater]

I was anxiously scanning your post for a mention of DC. None.

And you're 26.

GO, FOR FUCK'S SAKE GO.

I hadn't even met my DH by the time I was 26. He's amazing... perhaps because by the time you've had a couple of longer relationships and aren't 20 any more, you know how to give the man-children a swerve.

The fact that he's successful at work tells you all you really need to know, you know. 'No reason he can't use his brain at home'... the reason is that he's a misogynist. It really is that simple. He doesn't consider respecting you and pulling his weight as a team to be the way it should work. In his head, the obvious, the 'right' thing is that you, the woman, pick up and mop up after him because he's important and a proper person and you aren't.

That REALLY is what misogyny of this type comes down to.

No, all men aren't like this. I made sure to pick one who wasn't. And I don't mean one who is 'trained' - I mean a person who considers that picking up crap off the floor and doing the dishes and remembering that we're out of soap and getting some is just what you do when you're a grown up.

So we have kids and he is an equal parent to them.

Move on now, you're REALLY young and if you go now you've got time to find a real partner. You're wasting time here.

[HollowTalk]

26! Run as fast as you can away from this man. Never have children with him. Don't get old with him. Everything will always be just as it is now - in fact, it'll get worse.

You are at the prime of your life and you don't need to be saddled with someone like that.

[MrsArchchancellorRidcully]

OP, I was you at your age. I met exDH when I was 17 and he was 27. I'm not proud. Got married when I was 24, lived together from me aged 19 to when I walked out aged 31. Thank god no children.

He tried to help but he was truly a man child. Had I been older, I would have noticed that aged 29, he still lived at home and we bought our house together - his FIRST ever house including rental!

You are young, you can be free. Luckily, as I did everything, he agreed to a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I paid for it (was uncontested and no solicitors) so cost less than £350. I made sure my work pension was not his to access using a clean break divorce.

I met DH a few months later. 2 lovely children and DH is so so different. Please go. Your DH will never change at his age.

[DishingOutDone]

I'm 57. When I was 26 I married a man like the one you describe, almost to the finest detail re washing on a clothes horse etc. Nothing changed, things got a lot worse once we had 2 kids and I am now desperate to split up, 31 years on. Difference is when I was young many women bought into this "oh men what can you do tinkly laugh!" type shit. Even now when I tell my friends that he won't do housework DIY etc (now he's retired and I still work) you can see their faces drop as if to say "and so he shouldn't". Some of my friends take on all the DIY and gardening on top of housework, and work full time. I even have a friend who, when I say oh DH has got away with x y and z and won't help out, says to me "God loves a trier!" (as in someone who tries to get away with things). My Aunt used to tell me "Men need a lot of help". She'd be 103 if she was alive now. But these attitudes still prevail even in much younger people - it worries me sick that my DDs might unconsciously fall prey to a lazy fucker.

So you have more sense. Walk away whilst you are still young, this will NEVER change.

[Youseethethingis]

Divorce. A marriage is supposed to be of two equal partners, not master and servant. Don’t waste your life being some idiot mans skivvy. Let him go find some other mug.

[ThatMuppetShow]

No reason he can't use his brain at home'... the reason is that he's a misogynist. It really is that simple.

not necessarily. Some people genuinely don't care about house crap, who knows if he would be differently living alone?

Regardless, he's unlikely to change, the OP has a choice to make. Even a separation could make him realise the OP is serious.

[Ellie56]

Oh God you don't need this knobhead waste of space in your life.

All men are NOT the same. My DH has always pulled his weight round the house and my son with autism is more competent and thoughtful than him!

File for divorce and then run for the hllls!

[AryaStarkWolf]

He has no respect for you and is a sexist slobby pig, thank the lord you don't have any children and move on while you're young!

[Sceptre86]

You are young enough to start again and meet someone more in tune with acting their age. Being in a sexless relationship at only 26 isn't great and if he is not likely to change there doesn't seem like much hope for your relationship.

There are men out there that are more capable, just don't enable this attitude and take over. My dh is a great dad and does as much for the kids as I do. He also does dishes, outs washing away, all DIY and gardening. The bulk of the housework zo do myself as I work part time and can fit it in. If we are both off he will clean while I cook and vice versa. I wouldn't be with a man who wasn't a partner to me. You don't need to divide all tasks 50:50 in a relationship but it goes a long way if you support each other and appreciate each other. I would not have kids with a man who doesn't pull his weight x

[KatherineJaneway]

He's not going to change. Sounds like he moved out of home and in with you and expects you to be his Mum running round after him.

He can’t do DIY

Correction, he doesn't want to do DIY. That's also why he made a complete hash of the washing, so you stop asking him and do it yourself.

[RatherBeRiding]

He won't change. My ex was exactly the same. He is now my ex for that very reason.

The relief when I only had myself to look after is indescribable. And I now have a lovely partner who takes pride in himself, his appearance and his home and his garden. So, no, they are NOT "all like that".

It boils down to can you live like this for ever? If the answer is no then sadly you must leave the relationship - because HE. WILL. NOT. CHANGE.

[embarassednewname]

OMG GO!!! And do not have kids. I divorced after a year of marriage at 30 for similar reason i.e. lack of respect and expecting me to fulfil some second class role in our marriage. You made a mistake, life moves on. If you have kids, he will leave you to do EVERYTHING and it's so hard to divorce when you're sleeping 2 hours a night because you're taking care of a baby, taking care of the house and also try to keep your job. What happens is you stick around until kids are older, you realize you have been miserable for the last decade, the man you married doesn't even respect you. And even if you divorce then, you will be tied to him for life because of the kids!! LEAVE NOW

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

You're only 26! I left an awful relationship at 32 and found someone way better.Lifes too short for that shit.

[Crunchymum]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3718027-To-be-fed-up-of-DH-s-sleeping-habits

OP is early 30's in the other thread!

[ThatMuppetShow]

I wouldn't turn that up into a men vs women thing - fist it implies that only women can be bothered to deal with petty housework chores, and I very strongly disagree with that!

There's a video of Katie Price showing her home at the moment, slobs can be female just as much as they can be male.

If you are not compatible, just run.

[HeyNotInMyName]

I disagree about the OP having a teenager. Her DH is much worse.
My own dcs, with teens and boys, are able to put the washing to dry, do some cooking and tidy up behind themselves....

[DameSquashalot]

I agree. Get out now. Things will never change. I wish I had listened when someone had warned me that I wouldn't be able to live with this type of behaviour.

[HeyNotInMyName]

@Crunchymum, and???
I regularly change some details in my posts fir privacy issue.
A few years up or down isn’t going to change anything about her DH behaviour

[Bollypears]

@Crunchymum People NC for privacy and to ensure they are not identified from the post....changing ages or other personal details slightly is to be expected, no?

[AryaStarkWolf]

My Aunt used to tell me "Men need a lot of help".

The greatest trick they ever pulled was convincing people to believe this utter shite