Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

198 replies

ncmarriedtoamanchild · 15/10/2019 13:01

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... Hmm but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

OP posts:
NotMaryWhitehouse · 15/10/2019 13:21

@ncmarriedtoamanchild name change fail OP. What with this and his inability to stay awake, I think you know you've had enough of him.

madcatladyforever · 15/10/2019 13:22

My ex was the same. Leave now. Don't waste 20 years of your life like I did.

breakfastpizza · 15/10/2019 13:24

YANBU. He doesn't respect you. You are very young. Plenty of time to start over. Flowers

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/10/2019 13:25

DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home.

Well, there’s your answer. He could do it but he doesn’t want to. Can’t be bothered as he doesn’t respect you or care how you feel. I’d get rid if I were you.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 15/10/2019 13:26

You should divorce him.

I pity the next female who winds up with that dosser.

TheMustressMhor · 15/10/2019 13:27

You don't fancy him sexually any more?

Definitely time for a divorce.

Too bad what other people and your family think. It's your life.

YANBU to be considering this.

nutbrownhare15 · 15/10/2019 13:27

I'd try the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky with him. If it doesn't work, I'd divorce him.

walkintheparc · 15/10/2019 13:30

This is what divorce is for. You're only 26, most people haven't met their life partners yet at this point. Get out and blame it on being too young to know better!

Benes · 15/10/2019 13:31

He is choosing not not do housework and when he does he is engaging in strategic incompetence. He just doesn't think it's his job. Stop doing things for him! Don't do his washing, don't tidy up after him etc. While you continue to do everything he has no incentive to start contributing.

Anyone who can hold down a job is capable of understanding what it takes to run a house.

Not all men are like this. Only the lazy, misogynistic ones.

Hidingtonothing · 15/10/2019 13:31

Your family's 'disappointment' is nothing compared to your long term happiness. However they react initially I'm sure they would not want you to have an unhappy life just so they're not disappointed Flowers

dottiedodah · 15/10/2019 13:32

At 26 you have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone new ! Many people marry young and get divorced .This isnt the 50s any more! I get that your family all love him, and probably feel you are "settled " so they dont have to worry about you.However they are not the ones married to him FFS! You met and married young and this often doesnt work out in all honesty .If you dont feel sexually attracted to him with no children and only in your 20s ,how will you feel when you are in your 30s or 40s ! Get divorced and have a bit of time travelling ,being single for a while then you can remarry when you are ready!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/10/2019 13:33

Get out now. Establish your independence and then find a man who is already mature. DO NOT have children until you are satisfied with the relationship you have with a partner.

Whattodoabout · 15/10/2019 13:33

Be pleased you don’t have children, it will make divorce much easier.

I really would be cutting your losses. You’re so young, it’s silly to be bogged down with someone who makes your life miserable.

katseyes7 · 15/10/2019 13:34

Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'

No, they're not. They may love him but they don't have to live with him and put up with these shenanigans. He's not going to change. Unless you're willing to put up with babying him for another 50+ years, seriously think about whether you want to do that. l'm afraid l'd be walking. My ex husband was like that. l'd ask him to go and pay a bill because l was at work and they closed at 12. l'd get in from work, ask if he'd paid it, and he'd get all huffy and defensive and say "l'm going to do it now!" He was very intelligent and far from stupid. Just either couldn't be arsed or couldn't organise himself. l found out after we split up that he'd spent an evening/night with no electricity because he hadn't topped his key card up. lt never changes.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 15/10/2019 13:35

YANBU. Do not have children with this man.

Drum2018 · 15/10/2019 13:36

He is happy to have his little woman doing all his chores for him. Stop now. You are not his maid. If you think he would be willing to learn how to do washing, cooking etc then there may be a chance, but if his attitude is that it's all your responsibility, then bin him.

diddl · 15/10/2019 13:36

"but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there."

Yes & yes!

Rather get divorced now than later as you know that nothing will change.

messolini9 · 15/10/2019 13:36

'they are all the same'

Oh sure, another get-out-of-jail-free card from the "boys will be boys" deck.

It sounds exhausting & miserable, @ncmarriedtoamanchild. His lack of respect for you is revolting & I'm not surprised you don't want to shag him. If more women refused to take this shit, men would eventually realise they need to cut their lazy, misogynistic, irresponsible arseholery if they want to hang on to a good woman.

By this point, I'd give him a week to shape up, or ship out.
As you don't have kids the process won't be complicated ... & just imagine the JOY of your house staying clean once you've done it, nobody's clutter & crap all over the shop, & not having to take care of little man-baby's toothbrush-packing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2019 13:38

Absolutely walk away. In fact don't walk... run.

I'm serious. I thought from your first paragraph you must be about 50. You sound so worn down and fed up! Jesus Christ, 26? Get the hell out of there and for God's sake don't get pregnant.

You can do so much better than that. No, not all men are like that useless waste of space. He's not only a lazy manchild, he's actually showing you how little respect he has for you by letting you run around and sort everything out while he sits on his arse. Don't settle for being treated like a doormat. You're worth much more than that.

WatchingTheMoon · 15/10/2019 13:38

You're 26! You should be out having fun, not stressing about a little overgrown baby who can't use a sponge.

Get rid of him before this is your life forever.

Sparkletastic · 15/10/2019 13:39

Decent men don't treat their partners like this. Cut your losses. You are so young - plenty of time to find a good'un.

EssentialHummus · 15/10/2019 13:39

Jeez, walk away before you have kids. It’ll get a million times worse after that.

This. Cut your losses OP.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 15/10/2019 13:40

I know a couple of people who have got divorced relatively quickly and to be honest I admire them, it takes guts to admit you made a mistake and want something different.

I have said this before on here, I think laziness is a common reason for a divorce, it's just a massive 'fuck you' from your husband, I honestly dont understand how someone can be happy that their partner is cleaning up after them while they themselves are relaxing and have much more leisure time. It's not about the socks on the floor it's about a lack of respect and a lack of fairness or kindness.

You know you can never have children with this person as you will be a single parent and the resentment will grow that he is making your life harder.

Yes nobody is perfect but that's no excuse to put in 1 percent effort. And there are plenty of partners who share the load a lot closer to 50:50

To be honest he doesn't even sound like he is nice apart from being lazy - he gaslights you when you try and talk to him about it, and moans about your sex life

Mostly on these threads I advise to show him a list of jobs to show how much you each do and go for counselling if nothing changes etc but I'm not sure there is any point for you, you've already tried so hard to make it work, you've not got children and you're young enough to start again - I'd leave

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/10/2019 13:41

He does well enough at work so he is choosing to be a useless twat at home. I had the same experience, OP. Which is why the man in question is an ex.

EdinburghFox · 15/10/2019 13:41

The lack of equity is bad enough, but at least if he said he knew it was wrong and wanted to improve things..... but for him to maintain he is doing his fair share makes him sound either deluded or gaslighting.

@nutbrownhare15 just ordered that book on Amazon - it looks amazing!

Swipe left for the next trending thread