Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

[ncmarriedtoamanchild]

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

[UmmH]

This was shared on another thread. It might be useful to show it to your DH:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3718234-Absolutely-fed-up-of-being-married-to-a-manchild?pg=4

Unfortunately it came too late for me...but I've got my home and my sanity back .

[MarshaBradyo]

It’ll get worse if you have dc so yes leave now.

[gamerchick]

This was shared on another thread. It might be useful to show it to your DH:

It's this thread.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Do NOT have children with him.
You already have one child - him.
He isn't going to improve - he's had 6 years to show he could and he's failed horribly.
If you have children with him, he will only get worse - he will just assume that you will do everything with them as well.

Get out now, you're still young, you can find a decent man who knows how to respect his wife and pull his weight, not one looking for another mother.

Ignore all your friends/family who say "they're all like this" - they're most certainly not, it's a very low bar to suggest that you should just put up with this bollocks behaviour.

Never mind being divorced so soon, better that than you waste ANY more time on this layabout.

[OkayGo]

Oh god he's the one who falls asleep straight after work and sleeps in his clothes?? Definitely run op. It won't get better

[UmmH]

Oops, wrong link, doh!

theearlyhour.com/2018/01/04/you-shouldve-asked-mental-load/

[Teacakeandalatte]

The fact you wont have kids with him says it all about the future of this marriage.

[Embracelife]

Your friends can marry him then.
Your family dont have to live with him.
Separate.
Send a strong message.

Divorce.

[DarkLikeVader]

OP, like you I was early 20s when I met my now DH and like your DH, he was older than me. But this meant he was a fully fledged adult and knew how to cook and clean and everything else! Now I’m a SAHM and he does more than half the cooking, 50% of the cleaning, nearly all the night wake ups (I’m a deep sleeper 😉) - he does the bins, half the gardening, most of the DIY, his fair share of nappies and bum wiping and bedtimes when he’s home from work. I do more washing but I’m home in the day so don’t mind that. So no, it’s not how men are. Please - you’re young still - don’t waste your best years on this idiot!

[timshelthechoice]

My parents have been married for 55 years. My father puts it best, 'The only person who has to wake up to your spouse every morning is you. Not your family or friends. You think long and hard on that before you stay with someone who makes you miserable.'

Amen!

You're 26. This will NOT EVER improve. He is fundamentally who he is.

Get out now.

[Pippapotomus]

Cut your losses and move on OP. He isn't going to change is he?

[Blindspot82]

Run for the hills! You're young enough to start over, find a nice man who truly loves you. Someone who treats you with such obvious contempt, like an unpaid domestic servant, doesn't deserve a second chance. Does he love you? Doesn't sound like it. If a friend treated you like this you'd be outta there! He clearly has no intention of being supportive to you. Don't have kids with him!!!

[DisgruntledGuineaPig]

Op - you got together young, you married young. So you didn't really have much of adult life apart.

It's ok to walk away now. It'll be relatively straightforward to start again at 26.

You don't need your friends and family's approval. You clearly can't see being happy long term with him and he won't change whilst he's in a relationship with you. (People can change, but they do need an incentive to do so, usually being forced to change via living alone for a few years)

If you want permission to leave, you have a thread of it here.

Next time, avoid men who have never lived alone.

[sugarbum]

Many men are like this
Many men are not

I would say (going by posts on here and speaking to friends) that MOST men are somewhere in the middle.

My DH for example is pretty useless at anything but I have made it clear that whilst I don't mind taking control of everything (as in the mental load), he has to pull his weight around the house i.e. the practical stuff. And whilst he still makes a big deal of it (pat on the back please - look what I did - how good am I !) he does pull his weight.

You've lost all attraction for him. Please get out now. You're so young!

[reesewithoutaspoon]

If you can't fold him and he doesn't 'spark joy' then bin him

[MarshaBradyo]

Lol at can’t fold him etc

[NiteFlights]

Cut your losses. Your life doesn’t have to be like this, and it is absolutely untrue that all men (or all husbands) are like your DH. Your family will get over it.

[EdWinchester]

I hate it when some women say men ‘are all the same’. It’s so idiotic and used as an excuse.

You should’ve started as you meant to go on - as a partnership with equal responsibilities for domestic chores.

Parents that send their grown up sons out into the adult world unable to cook, clean or do laundry have much to answer for. Then these men invariably end up with ‘enabler’ women who after about 5 years of serfdom, have the scales fall from their eyes and then moan for the next few decades. I know several of them.

Sounds like you’ve tried everything already OP. Plus you don’t find him attractive. It’s dead in the water imo.

[ittooshallpass]

You’re only 26... get thee gone woman...

[Longlongsummer]

I had a child with my man child. Split up obviously but all the awful drama I can now never get away from! Including low maintenance, constant abuse, no parenting from him at all. I don’t have to deal with his house mess anymore, but I do have to deal with his lack of maturity.

Get out!

[Steenac7]

When I see threads like this they always remind me of this song!!!

[ConkerGame]

OP I didn’t meet DH till I was 30 - you still have so much time to meet someone good and have kids!

And my DH is brilliant around the house. We do have a cleaner but he does bins, laundry, ironing, cooking, washing up. Not all men are lazy or useless!

[dayslikethese1]

Not all men are like that, you just have to expect more. I think you should probably run from this one; you're too young to be trapped in a rubbish relationship (definitely DO NOT have DC with him as it'll be 1000x worse).

[ravenmum]

If you leave him now, you'll have plenty of new chances at a well-functioning relationship - and so will he. He too is still young enough to make a new start, and maybe he'll even learn something from the whole process and be a better husband to his next partner. Win win all round.
Tell your friends and family that as long as women put up with lazy arses, there will be a lot of lazy arses around, so it's their own fault if the men they are with are all lazy arses.

[Mrskeats]

They are not 'all like this'
For comparison op my eldest is only a couple of years younger than you.
We went to her and her boyfriend's house at the weekend.
The bf had made a lovely meal for us and his mum and my daughter had made 2 desserts. They both had sorted the table, tidied up etc and did the washing up after (even though we offered!)
If my DD was in a situation like yours op I would be v worried; especially about what would happen if/when they have children. This is no way to live-you deserve so much better.