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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

198 replies

ncmarriedtoamanchild · 15/10/2019 13:01

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... Hmm but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

OP posts:
BuildBuildings · 15/10/2019 14:00

They aren't all the same so don't believe that crap. It's not that he can't engage with all of this domestic stuff it's that he won't. Because he thinks it's beneath him. He's showing a lack of respect for you and your time. I'm not surprised any sexual attraction is gone. I don't think he will change. Get out while you can.

drspouse · 15/10/2019 14:00

£Some people genuinely don't care about house crap,*
He'd care pretty quickly if he was evicted due to not paying the bills.

upandawaytoday · 15/10/2019 14:02

OP, I started reading your thread and thought how much my situation mirrors my own...until I got to the bit where you mention your ages and stage in life.

My DH is how you describe yours but older. We have a young child, are chronically sleep deprived and he has ongoing health problems - which all contributes to the situation with his poor organisation/lack of input on the house front - and we’re generally a bit jaded with life...

I would never say LTB but do ask yourself how DH makes you happy and what you get from the relationship. The next 10-15 years will most likely see structural changes to your life which can really test a relationship - are you prepared to go through the next stages in life together?

bookwormsforever · 15/10/2019 14:03

@Winterriscoming @ncmarriedtoamanchild so you are the same poster. The sleeping issue would be enough for me.

Now you say he does no housework or cleaning and he's a lazy arse.

Dump him and run. You have plenty of life ahead of you and life is too short to be tied to a lazy useless manchild.

Hotseat · 15/10/2019 14:04

Stop cooking for him. Stop doing laundry for him. Throw out or move to shed/garage he leaves lying around. "Where's my dinner" oh sorry you didn't say you wanted food. "Any clean socks" oh did you ask me to do laundry for you. Passive aggressive all the way. An indifferent lazy bastard is a libido assassin.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 15/10/2019 14:05

Jesus. Can you imagine this being your life for the next 20, 30, 40, 50 years? Leave him and don't look back.

IamWaggingBrenda · 15/10/2019 14:05

My sister is married to this type. He actually told me once he wants to be better at helping out, but he can’t see anything that needs cleaning/doing, etc. Hmm She’s been married to him for 26 years, and the tension is constant and she is angry all the time, due to this very issue. I don’t usually see divorce as a go to, but in this case, I don’t think your DH will change. The fact that he changes briefly, then goes back to his usual ways is telling. He’s really not interested in changing and threats of divorce won’t really change him long term. He’ll do the same thing - short period of trying, then when he figures he’s got you to stay, he'll go right back to being a lazy slob.

FreeBedForFlys · 15/10/2019 14:06

OMG. LTuselessB.

Icanflyhigh · 15/10/2019 14:08

YANBU. He needs to grow up and stop expecting to be waited on hand and foot.

Move into a spare room if you have one, or better still move him into it, then keep your space just as you like it. Clear up your stuff, leave his. I appreciate what that does to your wellbeing I've been there, but without walking away now, this is the only way to make him realise.

MarkinTime · 15/10/2019 14:08

@Drabarni
Not everyone lives together prior to marriage. Shocker i know, but it's true.
OP. I doubt he is ever going to change for the better. Leaving is hard, but a life of drudgery is even harder, and that it what it will become from what you have written.
He then accuses you of being controlling when you pull him up on his behaviour, no sorry, if you stay you will end up hating him, your life and yourself for putting up with it.
You don't have children fortunately, because trust me, if he can't pull his weight now then he definitely wont when kids arrive, all that will happen is is that you will slide even further into drudgery.
Do yourself a favour and leave. Find someone who is a grown up, shows you the respect that you deserve, makes you want to rush home to him and who IS worth spending your life with.

Babynamechangerr · 15/10/2019 14:09

Yes agree, divorce and do it now as you've still got time to find someone else to have kids with.

He won't change, this will get worse as you get older and have kids, he's had his chance to step up, but he's shown contempt for you by deciding his time is more important than yours, and that he's basically married a housekeeper.

You're at a crossroads in your life, don't take a path you'll probably regret for decades after.

madcatladyforever · 15/10/2019 14:09

You are not a servant, a maid or his mother. What a misogynist pig. He seems to think you are all three and sex on tap too. What a chancer.

NurseButtercup · 15/10/2019 14:10

So he's 35 now and being an arsehole, in 5 years time he'll be 40 and I can guarantee he will have some sort of mid life crisis. Your twenties are supposed to be the years you have fun, not being miserable because of a big man baby. Please don't waste any more of mental energy getting upset about his intentional ineptness. YANBU to leave and get a divorce.

BossAssBitch · 15/10/2019 14:10

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS OAF

Not all men are like this. We have a cleaner but DH does all the lawn mowing, the bins, the hoovering in between the cleaner, he cooks for me sometimes, he has learnt to be good at DIY (when we moved in together he had never done any, now can turn his hand to most repairs. etc), sorts most of the bills and fundamentally, makes my life as easy as possible (he works from home, I have a long commute and work long hours). He never leaves his pants and socks on the floor and is tidy and organised. I do a lot for him too but we are a partnership, we both want to live in an orderly environment.

Life does not have to be spent with a chaotic, bumbling clown.

EastCoastDamsel · 15/10/2019 14:12

It will only get worse once (if) you have any DC. 26 is still very young and you have options.

Tell him how you feel, consider counselling, but IMHO, you should get out now while you still can.

springcomeround · 15/10/2019 14:13

OP - it’s perfectly possible for a couple to have different skill sets -. If one partner does nothing that’s a different story! Talk about it , have counselling or leave .

mummmy2017 · 15/10/2019 14:17

Gets some post it note, stick notes for n everything.
Move this.
Clean this.
Shut this.
Plaster the house and see what he says.

TowelNumber42 · 15/10/2019 14:20

Not all men are like this. No way.

Friends and family don't like agreeing with the suggestion that a marriage ends even when utterly vile things are happening.

Nobody else is suffering in this situation. Only you. Agreeing with you being smart to get out now makes others feel awkward so they mutter soothing nonsense instead.

Every time you clean up after him, wash a sock, pay a bill, etc that's him saying "Fuck you, be my skivvy, it's all you are worth."

It is easy to pretend he can't work out how to do washing and so you have to do it, or that you have to manage the bills because his ditsy little man brain can't handle it. He is old school sexist. No doubt that's why he hooked up with someone inappropriately young for him at the start. You didn't have the life experience to tell him to get to fuck. At some point you washed his pants for the first time, washed his dinner plate for him etc. I bet you thought it was fun playing house at first. Guys like this target young women for a reason. The older ones tell them to get to fuck. In years to come you will not put that first load of washing on for your new boyfriend until he's done one of yours and you'll not end up sticking with a man who has so little respect for you again.

SittingAround1 · 15/10/2019 14:20

Whatever you do DO NOT have children with this man.
It would be 10 times worse.

PinkCrayon · 15/10/2019 14:22

Leave, it will only get worse with kids.

Geppili · 15/10/2019 14:22

Be free from this! Please.

redcarbluecar · 15/10/2019 14:22

Divorce sounds as if it could be a good move. I think you’ve realised you’re not compatible.

Molly2017 · 15/10/2019 14:24

Firstly, no one wants to be divorced at 26. I’m speaking from experience. I separated from my husband at 26 and the divorce came through when I was 28. Such a low point in my life and my family were ashamed as we had a massive wedding (funny now).
It took my years to face up to the fact I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t going to change.
But what I will say is, I’ve never regretted my decision.
I now am married for the second time and it’s so much better. We have 2 DC and he has a good job, does his share of the housework and is a kind person.
Think hard about spending more of your life with someone who does not make you happy.

Wonkybanana · 15/10/2019 14:28

OP if you were 20 when you met, I bet he saw you as someone he could mould, get to do his bidding. He was a fair few years older and knew exactly what he wanted in a slave wife. I'm guessing he was all knight in shining armour, riding in on a white horse - or at least, flowers, expensive dinners out, generally treating you like a princess. (And does he still keep up that charming front when there's anyone else there, which is why your family love him?)

I think you've ben played, and it's time you re-wrote the rules of the game. Nobody should feel so miserable and worn down in a marriage. It's time to leave and find someone who will treat you as an equal.

OkayGo · 15/10/2019 14:30

Omg you're 26 get out get out!