Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

[ncmarriedtoamanchild]

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

[berryhigh]

Definitely leave him. He won't change and it will be a hundred times worse if you have children with him!

[Derbee]

YABU to only consider divorce.

YANBU to actually divorce him, and start again with a grown up that you can share responsibilities with, including children if that’s what you want.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Not all men are like that, you just have to expect more. I think you should probably run from this one; you're too young to be trapped in a rubbish relationship (definitely DO NOT have DC with him as it'll be 1000x worse).

Yep 100% Expect more and put up with a whole lot less. My DH is a responsible adult and does his share

[MerryDeath]

fair warning for the future though sometimes they trick you by being the perfect house husband right up until you have a baby and then they see you looking after a baby and revert to the incapable child you never wanted. so perhaps knowing what you've get just saves you future disappointment!

[Tinkobell]

Ok. So my DH is not quite as bad as yours, but he's pretty bad. He can absolutely pack his own bag and cook a meal under duress. He can if needed look after dog, house, kids for a weekend if I'm hospitalised.....but the strain does show and I get desperate phone calls asking when I will be back. But our sex life is fine, all things considered. My DH is a firm boss and a top earner. We live in a modern house and I get people in if I need to. We've had rows many a time about his lack of practical skills....his response is a combined lack of time and interest - fair enough I suppose. He's never pretended to enjoy DIY and I knew what I was marrying. Did you know what you were marrying OP? It's very difficult you know to find wonder-man that can do everything - a loft conversion, childcare, cook and earn good cash! That is life. If he doesn't want to lift a finger... make him pay, have parade of trades people coming in and doing stuff and accept the loss of privacy.

[PrincessCarolyn]

Don't go to counselling unless it's by yourself. You could waste your most fertile years going round in circles with him, seeing some grudging improvement when he thinks divorce is imminent, to be swiftly followed by backsliding once he feels more secure. He won't change long-term because it suits him to have you take care of everything and wait on him hand and foot. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a fembot who does housework.

So yes, be the person who divorces after two years. It's a much better option than sticking around for 5, 10 or 50.

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

End it OP. You'll be old before your time. Like a pp upthread I expected you to be 50! end this. Live your young life for you, don't stay in this totally unequal relationship.

[Gertrudesgarden]

Can you imagine doing all this for the rest of your life, OP?
It's not hard to understand your lack of desire for this lump when all he represents is work. MORE work. Which you're not even paid for. On top of all your own responsibilities, he's trying to foist HIS onto you, as well? Jeeze. Thank crunchie you don't have kids. No wonder your libido has packed up and taken flight. How sexy it must be to be a servant in your own home.

So you're a housekeeper, an administrator, a household manager, a planner and organiser, and a cook and entire kitchen staff, all rolled into one young, healthy (I hope) body. Are you really going to waste the rest of your youth on this slob? He's not going to change. Accept that, wave him off and find yourself a decent man who will treat you with respect.

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

ps I was married in the 1970s, had a live in partner in the 1980s and neither of them were like this. They ADULTED and cooked and cleaned and washed clothes.

[StoutDrinker2019]

Bloody hell I read this and thought that you were a stay at home mum and he wasn't pulling his weight. But you both work! And have no children! And he's still a nightmare. You will regret it so much if you have kids with him unless you are resigned to a life of domestic drudgery. You might be able to resolve it if he realises his relationship is ststake. So give him a chance at least. If not then it's probably time to call a solicitor. Sorry.

[worriedofSouthLondon]

Get out of it now!

[Corneliawildthing]

I was married to somebody like this. I even used to change his towel after he took a shower. Once I tried an experiment and didn't change it to see how long it took him to do it. After 10 weeks - yes 10 bloody weeks - he finally said "Have you changed my towel?" Needless to say, we are no longer married.

[Timeywimey10]

It's very difficult you know to find wonder-man that can do everything - a loft conversion, childcare, cook and earn good cash! That is life. If he doesn't want to lift a finger... make him pay, have parade of trades people coming in and doing stuff and accept the loss of privacy

I agree with this to an extent, if you can afford it, buy in the help. No way would I do gardening. DH does it. If he didn't, or I lived on my own, I'd either have a gardener or live in a terrace with a back yard.

And even when they can do everything (my father could turn his hand to anything though he wasn't much of a cook) that doesn't mean they're not abusive.

I don't send in meter readings by the way, the meter gets read often enough.

When you say he doesn't do things well, is that because you are quite exacting? You say you have to do stuff because you can't cope with mess? Both my parents were really pinickity but they'd have had to have been because both were fussy and neither could have lived with someone who wasn't.

We're a bit the opposite in my house. My DH is a lot fussier than I am, although I don't like living in a mess. But eg I'll clean the bathroom and a day later I find him doing it! And he irons his own shirts because he doesn't like the way I do them.

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

The resentment won't go away even if paid help was brought in. The damage is done. This poor young woman is ground down

[voddiekeepsmesane]

OMG can you imagine another 50 YEARS of that!!! LTB

[Longlongsummer]

It’s true that there is no perfect man, or woman. And always one who seems to do more. However it’s the amount of disparity and from your post OP, you seem totally depleted and put off him sexually, despite having a cleaner and both working. I think that is why most people are saying leave him.

I made the mistake of just thinking that my Ex would grow up and be less selfish. He never did. In fact he got very aggressive once because I had forgotten to pack something in our child’s bag when he was bringing him out for the day! That was a huge red flag. Also, as well as not doing much housework, he made a huge mess every day, I did all the admin, didn’t look after our son hardly and he didn’t earn as much as me. SoIf a man is earning more, then at least they are contributing in that way more. It’s if everything is down to you, then that is doomed.

I don’t mind personally if a man doesn’t want to do DIY or gardening - I do those jobs myself! You can pay for these together if not.

[northerngirl2012]

It is a slog, I've been married 20 years and the issue with my DH is that he doesn't 'see' it. However, he is getting better, its not so much the cleaning that annoys me. Its the planning everything, the cooking, shopping etc.

If you're unhappy now and its an issue I guarantee it will be more of an issue in years to come.

DH is wonderful with the kids, that's his saving grace. And the fact that I love him alot.

[3timeslucky]

Tell him how serious it is. If he doesn't care enough to get his act together and behave like a half-decent human being then you know what you need to do.

And do not have a child with him until you're sure he's actually an adult.

[Swinningforza]

I once calculated the amount of time I spent across my relationship with my exh which solely involves cleaning up mess he had made. Not household chores or childcare. It had been an hour on average a day over 8 years of cohabitation. I then did a calculation of hours, years and it's working day equivalent (if I worked my contracted 7.4 hours per day , with 30 days annual leave) and it approached 2 working years.

Just picking up after him 😱

[midcenturylegs]

@UmmH thanks for that link - great read. I'm glad I'm single and only have a DC to pick up things for! A simple life 😂

[SunshineCake]

All the people who say men are all the same need a verbal slap. They are not.

I do most of food shopping, leaning, washing, etc as I am not working in a paid job as I gave it up to bring up out joint children.

Dh will do anything I ask but will also do plenty when he sees it needs doing.

Tell him he does fuck all and get his head out of the 1950s or he'll be doing 100% of everything as he'll be divorced. And mean it.

Or start a chart and write everything on it when you do it and then write his stuff in a different colour...

[HugTrees]

Seriously, leave him. You choosing to not have kids because of already how he’s like and he’ll get worse and you have no sexual attraction to him? Of course you don’t!

Divorce him, if anyone asks just tell them the truth. Sorry your family are saying that you should put up with this. You are his equal not his slave.

For he sake of starting the procedure, stop doing everything for him. Move into the spare room; only make our bed and do your washing and cook your food etc.

[SprinkleDash]

You married him and it couldn't have come as a shock to you

This!! You’ve been with him 6 years!!! Why did you marry him?

[Isitnearlyweekend]

You’ve put with it for 6? years and should have sorted this years ago. I do wonder how men like this manage to live an adult life. Sounds like you’re being his mother.

[KaliforniaDreamz]

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN