To ask a lady to stop volunteering?

[Mumofone1862]

I run a non profit playgroup and for the past month I have had a new volunteer.

There are a few issues- on several occasions I have been talking to mums about something they have asked me about and the woman cuts in to tell a story about herself and it's like she is trying to cut the mum out of the conversation and just talk to me.

As volunteers the main thing is to just welcome new mums and make sure they are happy ect. But two mums have come to me because she doesn't listen when they ask her not to take their children or tell them what to do with their child.

This is the same with my child, he cries whenever she comes near him as he knows she will pick him up. I told her atleaat 4 times last week not to pick him up but she doesn't listen. In the end it means I have to carry him around as he is scared which makes running a group alot harder.

One woman has stopped coming as the volunteer is so 'in your face', you can politely end a conversation and walk away and she will follow you.

I set up a playgroup as I hated being left out at playgroups and by following me around and talking over the mums it isn't a great environment.

I understand she probably just wants to be my friend but I want to talk to everyone and as volunteers we should be talking to different people to help everyone feel welcome.

She doesn't help set up or put away, her idea of helping is looking after my son, but he honestly was better before she came. I have politely said multiple times for her to not go near my son. I explained he is a mummy's boy and doesn't like strangers so is better left alone or with me but she ignores me as though she knows best.

She is in her late 60's and has said she is lonley as her child has grown up, but the last two weeks I've barely made enough to run the group whereas before her I was doubling the money and we were able to do really fun crafts and have lots of fruit for the children rather than just bananas!

The fact multiple people have come to me makes me think more people think the same but are being polite.

Should I ask her to leave? My husband said to ask her to do kitchen duties (tea/coffee ect) but I don't know how I would go about it as I already have a specific volunteer to make drinks who is happy as they are and it would be obvious I was trying to push her out? I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)

I went to the baby weigh in clinic group thing. I stopped going as a woman volunteering there nearly made me cry and kept saying are you feeling depressed, you look upset, looks like you're going to cry in a room full of people. Everyone was staring at me and all I was doing was taking my babies clothes off for a weigh in was so bizarre. I was just tired after having my first baby. New mums can be a bit vulnerable in a sense and I was just so put off. Last thing a baby group needs is someone who can't respect boundaries. I didn't complain and think a lot of people nowadays don't. So it's probably upset more people than you know.

I would tell the agency if you can but also maybe call or email?

Just that you feel its not working out you've had complaints and don't feel the position is suitable for her and thank her for her time.

Some people just think that they know better than you, and whatever you say is not going to change that. You could be firm, you could be nice, you could be kind or a bitch - they'd still think they know better.

I had a nanny like that. I was in my 20s, she was about 60 as well. I was her employer, paid her a decent wage. But because I was so much younger than her, she was adamant that I'm incapable of doing anything right (child, household) and she, of course, is.

I was very young and much too polite back then, so put up with her shit for far too long. At first, she tried to 'advise me', but soon after she just simply said 'she really knows better' and carried on doing whatever she thought that 'better' is, disregarding my opinion/instructions completely. I explained her everything multiple times with no luck.

Finally, I fired her, and then she lost her shit, telling me everything she thought about me. Told me I'm young, useless, stupid, don't know what I'm doing, bad mother, bad wife, money waster, etc. That was a woman I employed, so I was her 'boss', however you look at it. And no, I wasn't horrible or rude to her.

Sure, maybe your volunteer isn't that bad, and she's not paid for her time, but still, it's just not working. I'd tell her just this in simple terms and avoid this continuous hassle.

I'm echoing what others have said. She needs to go.
You can tell her the truth or tell her your numbers are down.
You owe her nothing. She's wrecking your group, she's upsetting the children and the parents.

The only reason you'd keep her is not to hurt her feelings. Nope. She has to go.

I wouldn't even let her come next week, I'd phone her today, bite the bullet and let her go

@MereDintofPandiculation

Why is it socially inept to ask why someone is telling you they no longer need you in a role that you thought you were performing well? How can you ever change if you're not allowed to ask what is wrong

We know she’s socially inept because she has repeatedly been told not to pick people’s children up, and does pointless one up manship with distressed mothers sharing their experiences.

Her loneliness is not your responsibility, harsh but true. New mums are vulnerable and need support. If you feel uncomfortable, that's ok! You need to ask her to leave. Why exhaust yourself and ostracise other mums? You're trying to be nice but you are not doing anyone any favours really. This woman doesn't understand boundaries and it's not something you can teach easily, do you really have the energy to go there with her? You can suggest other groups that she can volunteer with, but all you have to tell her is that you don't need her any more but thanks for the help - good luck!

That wasn't what I was asking. The poster said she might be socially inept and ask why she was being got rid of, implication being that asking why you are being given the boot is socially inept, and I was querying that.

That was to derbee

This is why I think advising lonely people to volunteer can be really poor advice.

You need to tell her this isn't working out.

@MereDintofPandiculation when you repeatedly behave like the volunteer is behaving, and would need to actually ask why you’re being told it’s not working, that would be socially inept.

It creates an awkwardness for the woman at playgroup to have to explain, when it should be abundantly clear to the volunteer that she’s behaving inappropriately by ignoring instructions not to touch people’s children.

Could you send her a letter ,explaining.then you could word it how you like and get your point across.

'You ignore my instructions and this has led to distress for the mothers, the children and me. I think it's best if you find some other voluntary work, you are not suited to this and I won't allow it to continue.'

I like this, but wonder if it's perhaps a little "bureaucratic-sounding" for someone with special needs?

How about "A lot of people are being upset because you've not done what we asked, so I'm going to ask (the organisation) to find you something more suitable / that you'll like better"?

This woman has a Learning Disability and what sounds like social communication difficulties. You were told of this when she was recommended and you still took her on.

If you can go through the organisation that she came to you via they may be able to give you some guidance on how to appropriately 'let her go'.

At the end of the day, you will have to steel yourself for the prospect of hurting her feelings but that is what you must do. Or it sounds like she will sabotage your group.

In future I would recommend you always take volunteers on a trial basis and then you are covered if they don't work out.

OP, find a new venue, tell all the mums secretly, and sneak off to the new playgroup without the volunteer (JOKE).

I think if you run a group like this, you need to be able to have the awkward conversations when they come up

You say “she is in her late 60s”. Why? If you said she is Asian then it would be unacceptable as that would be racist. What are you implying exactly?

This. Thank goodness for courageous people like darkcloudsandrainstorms, without them we'd all just type what we wanted. It would be anarchy (and not the good sort).

It's also incredibly sexist that you mentioned she's a woman. The only reason to include any details about a person is because you are bigoted.

Is she even a she? Did you ask her pronouns when you met her?

Why do you refer to your son? You should be raising him gender neutral rather than coercively assigning his gender based on colonialist constructs of what 'biological sex' he is.

Why are you even telling this poor woman (or man, if ze prefers) what to do? I suppose you think this is 'your' playgroup just because you set it up and run it. Fascist.

@BravoStrong why should she have to endure a morning with this woman every week? Sounds like he'll

@VictoriaBun that speech is awful, really tricksy trying to get her to say how well she thinks she's doing and then pulling the rug out.

Awful, empty management speak that is fit for a work disciplinary but not a volunteering role

Completely agree with Athol. Anyone who doesn't understand personal space needs to be kept away from kids.

Totally agree @donquixotedelamancha. The other day my DP asked if I wanted an “Indian” for tea. Clearly racist using a proper noun to describe something or someone. Awful.

Let her know before the next session you would like to discuss something. Arrange to meet her on the premises beforehand on a different day if possible and try to arrange by either a text or a quick, non chatty phonecall. Tell her it will be a short meeting of ten to fifteen minutes as you have another meeting straight after. Then:

"This is a really difficult conversation to have but whilst your commitment and enthusiasm has been much appreciated, due to a few issues that have been raised, I have to request that you find a volunteer position elsewhere. I know it's very hard for you to hear that but unfortunately this is not something that we can discuss further. I wish you all the best of luck going forward."

No discussion, no sorrys, and you lead and control the conversation so that there is limited ability to get into a discussion. If she pushes you say "As I've explained, it's not appropriate for me to continue discussing this. I need to go on now as I have another appointment I need to get to."

@LemonPrism it was just a suggestion. OP doesn’t ‘have’ to do anything.

My mum used to do an hour of coffee morning with an elderly neighbour when my brother was small. She liked seeing the baby but she was far too doddery to hold him - that’s all. There was no mention of the special needs at that point.

Totally agree @donquixotedelamancha. The other day my DP asked if I wanted an “Indian” for tea. Clearly racist using a proper noun to describe something or someone. Awful.

I'm amazed you can be with someone who is willing to appropriate another culture's food traditions in that way. LTB.

The priority has to be the beneficiaries of the group, not the volunteers. It’s the wrong project for her. She’ll find her niche, I’m sure.

donquixotedelamancha

Excellent post. Ridiculous comparison isn't it?

Ridiculous comparison isn't it?

Are you saying that mentioning someone's age is not the moral equivalent of apartheid? :-)

I don’t think you should tell her that issues have been raised, simply that this is not the voluntary role for her. Repeat that without being drawn on why.