Not to want visitors?

[AnnetteJones]

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

[Cornflakesncake]

'I don't understand the compulsion to isolate yourself. I've noticed it a lot amongst older middle class mothers especially...'

What a sweeping generalisation

[Juliettewhiskey1990]

@formerbabe I dont consider it isolating yourself. I think it's just giving your self time until you are ready. Everybody's different. Some like to have time to bond with their baby, get used to them, establish breast feeding or even to recover and feel more like themselves. I'm not comfortable with people seeing me in my PJs and would rather they wait till a time when I'm properly dressed and put together. Maybe first time mums dont want to be surrounded by people telling them how they should do it, or what they're doing is wrong or having people just taking over. They want a bit of time to work things out for themselves. Everybody is different, and every family is different. My in laws are very over bearing, over step boundaries, take over every room they are in and take great offence everytime I dont follow their advice or do things exactly how they did them. I guess the people who find this odd are people with really supportive and respectful family members. My mum was an amazing help with my newborn, but she was respectful, accepted what I was and wasnt comfortable with, gave advice when i asked and supported me in all my decisions even if they weren't how she would have done it. People need to look at how they behave towards new mums before they have a go at them for being cruel for keeping them away. If they could be trusted to respect boundaries and be considerate maybe they wouldn't be kept at arms length. So many people feel entitled to your children just because they're related, and it just baffles me.

Also I do this every Christmas. They are our children, we have precious few with them before they are grown. I'm not sharing that with people who had their turn. My inlaws take over everything, I wouldn't get any where near my child on Christmas day. We have a big family boxing day every year where we exchange family gifts etc. Again, just because you are related to me does not mean you have any rights to my children, you see them on boxing day, that should be enough.

[mytinyfiredancers]

OP I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

With my first DD I endured an awful 3 day labour that left both me and baby quite badly injured. I had hospital visitors the next day and the day after (only grandparents and my brothers) and even though I love those people dearly and they were bursting with good intentions and love for us both I wished I'd have not had them come. And I wish I'd have had a few days at home to recover (I had had surgery and was very battered emotionally and physically) with less visitors too. It was really hard going and I just wanted to be left alone, not negotiating visitors around midwife visits etc while I could still barely walk.

Second child, I knew I was having an ELCS so I'd be in for a night or two and I said from the start no hospital visitors except DH and that we'd ring when we were ready for visitors at home. The only person I'd have considered seeing at hospital was DD1 but she would have hated coming and leaving me behind (she was only 2) so as it was only two days I left her at home being looked after by my DM with DH returning home her her at night.

Those two days in hospital with DD2 and DH only were lovely. I felt miles better than I had after my first birth and was able to spend those days relaxing, recovering, learning to BF (something that didn't happen with first baby) and just cuddling baby. Once we were home my DM met baby as she was there then we had a couple of days at home just the four of us before everyone came over bit by bit. No stress, nice short visits.

I wouldn't change a thing. This is your time as a brand new mum, spend it as you wish. You and the baby are the most important thing for those first few days, and if people can't be understanding of that then sod them.

Congratulations.

[formerbabe]

Also I do this every Christmas. They are our children, we have precious few with them before they are grown. I'm not sharing that with people who had their turn. My inlaws take over everything, I wouldn't get any where near my child on Christmas day. We have a big family boxing day every year where we exchange family gifts etc. Again, just because you are related to me does not mean you have any rights to my children, you see them on boxing day, that should be enough

This is crazy to me. That's what children love about Christmas...all the family and chaos. I couldn't have cared less about my parents on Christmas day, I just wanted to have fun with my cousins and sister! Very odd that you view family as taking away your time with your children or that you're sharing your children.

[MsChatterbox]

I found hospital the best time. Once home I wanted to be left alone. As a home you are conscious is messy, you feel pressure to provide drinks and there is no restriction to visitor times and amount of people. Honestly if I was you I would get it out of the way in hospital then asked to be left alone for a week. Congratulations!

[Juliettewhiskey1990]

@formerbabe maybe that's what your children love at Christmas, as you did when you were a child, but everyone is different and families are all different. We always had our own little family Christmasses and then a big extended family boxing day dinner with cousins etc and loved it, we were not missing out on anything. I think it's wrong for someone to bull on and barge in on something like that. They still get time over the Christmas period. It doesnt have to be Christmas day just because they are related.

And as I said before, my in laws take over, I dont get near my children when they are around. Why on earth would I want that on Christmas Day??

And none of that makes me an old mother or middle class. What a ridiculous sweeping statement to make.

[MsChatterbox]

Sorry just read people are coming tomorrow. Just remember you can say you want to sleep thank you for visiting when it gets too much.

[Harriett123]

@formerbabe
"Anyway op, I hope you don't have any social occasions planned for the next decade because you're probably going to need a babysitter at some point."
This is cruel and unnecessary. Just because someone is not of the same opinion as you doesnt give you the right to insult them.
Equally on the Christmas topic I always spent Christmas day with immediate family and extended family on boxing day. I loved it as a kid. Once again a family being different to yours does not make them wrong everyone has their own traditions and you should respect that.

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

I’m really shocked how many people seem to think OP is in the wrong for not having friends/ family parading through on ‘quick visits’ within 1-2 days of the birth!

This REALLY annoys me, my pregnancy has been AWFUL, HG + every symptom going and I’ve spent the whole time so far basically being told it’s ‘not about me anymore’. Never in my life have I felt less in control of my body/ life and like everybody else is entitled to an opinion on everything I do!

Surprisingly nobody wanted to ‘pop in for a quick visit’ whilst I was vomiting, depressed and alone (except parents) so why would these family and friends expect to come and visit the moment baby is here?

Don’t get me wrong I fully intend to (once I’ve healed a little and feel better) invite them around in small groups and have nice tea/coffee/baby meeting sessions but the notion that my having a baby is some big ‘family experience’ that they are ‘entitled’ to is RIDICULOUS!

I do intend on letting both our parents have open access from the beginning as they are very close to us - but nobody else 😒

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

I recently visited a friend in her new house (lovely family estate) and the house next door had a little sign in the door which read ‘We know you’re excited to meet our new addition, but we’re exhausted and need a little family time. We have disconnected the door bell. Please drop us a text message and we can arrange a time/date for you to visit us. See you soon x’

I found this hilarious and when I asked my friend she said they’d been home about a week now and she’d bumped into the DH putting their bins out, he’d told her they’d been woken up from naps (all 3 of them) 6 times the day before with friends/family dropping by unannounced- his poor wife was constantly in tears.

[Cornflakesncake]

Well said @Juliettewhiskey1990 I completely agree with everything you said.

Everybody should be supporting op in the decision that makes her as a new Mum the most comfortable. Its awful to see how harsh, narrow minded and judgemental some of the comments on this thread really are.

[Juliettewhiskey1990]

they’d been woken up from naps (all 3 of them) 6 times the day before with friends/family dropping by unannounced- his poor wife was constantly in tears.

^^This

This is exactly why people need to respect boundaries.

@DisneyMadeMeDoIt any idea where they got the sign from My "But did you call first?" Door mat must have been too subtle...

[formerbabe]

he’d told her they’d been woken up from naps (all 3 of them) 6 times the day before with friends/family dropping by unannounced- his poor wife was constantly in tears

Well god knows how people cope when it's not their PFB and have multiple children...good luck having a nap during the day then! Or perhaps they'll call on one of their dreaded relatives to take care of their older children.

[clucky3]

TBH it's only going to get worse... see them in hospital because they can be kicked out and you are not expected to make tea/lunch.

YANBU, but this is good advice.

[Juliettewhiskey1990]

@formerbabe Well god knows how people cope when it's not their PFB and have multiple children...good luck having a nap during the day then! Or perhaps they'll call on one of their dreaded relatives to take care of their older children.

You're attitude is appalling. You cant honestly think is ok to bull round to someones house who has a days old baby and wake them up because you're a family member/friend demanding a cuddle, with the excuse oh well if you had other children you wouldn't be able to nap???

Obviously there are obstacles in life that make it harder to catch up on sleep, that doesnt mean it's ok for you to add to it for your own selfish reasons.

And I'm sorry if I needed a childminder and someones excuse was no sorry, you didnt let me see your baby the second they flew out of your vagina I would laugh and never ask them again. Its pathetic. If my mother/in law refused to mind my baby would it be reasonable for me to turn around and say well fine, I'll not be looking after you when you're elderly? Its tit for tat bullshit. And if someone was that bitter then they are selfish and cutting off their nose to spite their face and they will regret it one day.

As said before, someone would only ask visitors to give them a bit of time for a very good reason. If you cant respect that, then you are selfish. If you use it as an excuse to not babysit then you are spiteful, and the only one suffering is you.

[Soon2BeMumof3]

@AnnetteJones OP I'm not going to read the full thread. Just here to say:

Do whatever the fuck feels right to you. Don't worry about being unreasonable.

Your priority is to take care of yourself and the baby. Don't stretch yourself for anyone else right now.

& Congratulations!!

[formerbabe]

Juliettewhiskey1990

Back in the real world, it's incredibly odd not to allow close family to visit. It seems totally alien to me.

It seems like many posters on here have incredibly formal relationships with their relatives, where they can't be seen in pyjamas, can't be seen looking tired, have to host and put on a show. It's bizarre.

[phoenixrosehere]

ell god knows how people cope when it's not their PFB and have multiple children...good luck having a nap during the day then! Or perhaps they'll call on one of their dreaded relatives to take care of their older children.

We cracked on just fine without family help. It was amazingly blissful with just us, our 2 yo and baby. Our oldest was with his father while I was in the hospital having baby. By time my mum came over breastfeeding had been established, I could walk more than a block without needing to turn back, sit without a donut, was well-rested and had a schedule in place.

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

I don’t think it’s so much they can’t- they don’t want to. Why is that so hard to understand?

Why do the wants of the family, who did fuck all in creating or pushing out the baby supersede the needs and wishes of the person who did?

[Cornflakesncake]

@formerbabe your comments are awful and so judgemental. Its great that you have a very supportive close family and sad you assume everybody does; how narrow minded. Can you be so ignorant that you fail to acknowledge that everybody has different relationships with their relatives and not everybody is the Walton's in real life!

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

And I felt like this for all of my kids it’s not just a pfb thing- the attitude that ‘oh you’ll come crawling back when you need something’ is not very nice.

[saraclara]

It seems like many posters on here have incredibly formal relationships with their relatives, where they can't be seen in pyjamas, can't be seen looking tired, have to host and put on a show. It's bizarre.

Yep. That's the bit that feels really weird to me. The only time I can recall feeling slightly awkward was when I hadn't yet got the knack of feeding discreetly. So as I said earlier, my DH wrangled visitors both in hospital and at home so that they didn't arrive at feeding time.

I didn't have a parade of visitors, nor were my babies passed around like a parcel. We just had close family and our best friends in that first week. And no-one called without notice, stayed too long or held the baby for longer than I was comfortable with. It's really not rocket science to get a balance between shutting yourselves away from people who love you and having stressful and unpleasurable visits. Just let people know what you need from them, and manage visits with consideration for everyone.

[formerbabe]

@Cornflakesncake

Actually I have a very small family but I get on well with them.

My mil couldn't care less and my own parents are dead hence why I'm horrified that so many people are so unappreciative of relatives who are excited to meet their baby.

[Juliettewhiskey1990]

@formerbabe I am in the real world. Obviously if you have a lovely, supportive and respectful family who are not overbearing and are willing to help you, and you want them around then crack on. I'm not saying you shouldnt have visitors. I'm simply saying not everyone is as lucky as you, and it is perfectly reasonable for them to put up boundaries and ask for time. My in laws barged and bullied there way in to the hospital when my first was born, and made rude comments about my mummy tummy, asked me why I haven't done anything with my hair and did I not want any makeup on for my guests coming and then proceeded to pass my baby amongst 12 people while she was hours old. I'll be damn sure they dont get away with that shit next time round.

Count yourself lucky its alien to you, it's because you've be blessed with a lovely family. Be a bit more open minded and empathetic to the people who do not have what you have.

[lily2403]

I loved having family and friends round...it soon wears off hahahaha
plus i would be heartbroken if my children did that to me.

i had never heard of anyone taking time just for them and new baby until a girl at work said this is what she is doing...baby due mid Nov no one visiting until Jan. Her choice but it baffled me and made me think how i would feel if my DC did that to me