Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

I judge the "fed is best" brigade who rubbish factual science based information about breastfeeding because it doesn't fit in with their narrative, when they wouldn't do the same regarding safe sleeping for example.
I believe that does a disservice to mothers and babies alike.
I don't judge mums who can't breastfeed or actually are just honest that they don't want to. Having the choice is great as long as it is an informed one.

Most people don’t judge, don’t assume, and most UK babies are given formula at some point. So that’s the good news for you. But even if every single person you met judged you negatively would that really be a reason to make you miserable? You have to make the decision that is right for you without taking everyone’s uninformed opinion into account. Talk to a bf line about your feelings (no, they won’t try to persuade you either way, it’s about listening to you).

I really wonder why women who formula feed - the majority of British babies are FF by 6 months by the way - feel that they are being constantly judged and attacked. Where is this feeling coming from?

I've had many situations where I'm BF my baby in a group of mums and the ones who FF completely unsolicited start giving complicated reasons why they aren't BF. Umm...I didn't ask and I don't care? Then you see on MN people saying they "felt judged" by BF mums when perhaps they actually don't care either and you're projecting your own issues.

Meanwhile you have so many cases of women who are BF in public being asked to move to a toilet, or leave a restaurant, etc. For example not long ago Lufthansa confirmed that their policy is if another passenger complains the crew can ask a woman not to BF. How many bottle feeding mums have been asked by strangers in public to stop feeding their babies because it makes others uncomfortable?

So where is the universe where supposedly FF women are always getting judged?! Even on this thread the vast majority (including me) have said "I judge a bit if they don't try at all but otherwise crack on." Given most women do try at the beginning then that means the vast majority of FF mums are not being judged on their feeding choices!!!

I only judge people who judge others!

I chose not to bf, my nipples being touched makes me feel physically incredibly sick (i have no idea why!). Pregnant with DC2 and i will again FF but i will harvest colostrum this time

There is always a 3rd option of expressing your milk and bottle feeding. Not sure why people seem to move straight to formula. At least that way the baby is getting the milk naturally designed for it and you still get the health benefits.

Have you ever tried exclusively pumping? It's by far the hardest option of the three. I tried to pump during the day when I went back to work and gave up pretty fast, because it was awful and making me miserable. Doing it 24 hours a day isn't a viable option for most women.

I currently still bf my 5.5 month old son. Always knew I wanted to and although not easy at first, for me, was absolutely worth the effort. It’s still the best part of my day (truly it is) and feel incredibly fortunate to have been able to do it so easily.

While I absolutely don’t judge anyone for formula feeding whatsoever, I have many friends that for a multitude of reasons weren’t able to / chose not to, ive actually been in the opposite situation where people have judged me for choosing to bf. A girl at the hairdressers said she found it “gross” and “smelly”....?! (Whilst well aware that I currently bf) and my MIL never bf my DH as she said she found the whole idea “creeped her out” and at first when my baby was awake at night a lot (he was 4weeks old!) she badgered me to consider formula feeding at night as she thought it would fill him up more. I would like to add that he has slept 7-7 since he was 12 weeks old and exclusively bf so obviously not required. I don’t care for judgment either way, and I think mothers should be entitled to choose to feed their baby however they please.

I must admit though @user24990 , even your post sounds slightly judgmental towards breastfeeding, which negates the whole point of it entirely. The OP is discussing feeling judged for not bf and you’re clearly commenting negatively and giving examples of what you feel are the downsides of bf, this judging the mother who was just trying her hardest to do what she felt was right for her and her child. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if others were commenting in such a way about your decision to not bf.

Ultimately, the point of my post is that you will be judged at some point regardless of how you choose to feed your baby, so just do whatever the f* is best for you and your little family.

I believe breast feeding is best, but would never judge another woman's choice. Ever.

Fed is best op.

I struggled to breast feed my first. He was miserable and hungry therefore I was miserable. I made the decision to switch to FF when he was a few days old and he stopped screaming and my mood greatly improved. I was going to FF my second but pressure from others made me try breastfeeding. Same thing happened. I've got 2 wonderful happy and healthy children.

@Tabbymumz, the cartons sound much better, I'm guessing it's more expensive though?

Mine didn't start going 4 hours until she was well over 6 months though. I'm guessing some people would need more like 5 or 6 bottles if out from morning until evening.

I wanted to BF DS1. I had a really rough birth and he was put in an incubator to keep warm. I went to the bathroom and when I got back, a MW was giving him a bottle. It broke my heart a little bit because I wanted to be the first to feed him. He refused to take my breast after this and I had to mix feed.

I wouldn’t judge any woman. Not my concern.

I never did it. I didn’t even try. I don’t care what anyone thinks. Another mum actually told me that I was ‘disgusting’ for not doing it. My son is in his 20’s now and since becoming a parent I haven’t, and never will, be so nasty or judgmental to another mum.

It didn’t bother me at all but if I had been in a more vulnerable position or had PND a comment like that could have terrible consequences.

I wouldn't ever judge anyone who couldn't or didn't want to.

I tried with DS, I found it so hard so DH stepped in and suggested formula when DS had dropped weight. I had no support, I didn't know what I was doing. When I asked questions in hospital one midwife looked at me as if I'd gone nuts, but it was my first and I'd decided the day DS was born I was going to try.

I did in the end do a bit of both for 2 months before I gave into all formula, it took the pressure off me but I wish I knew then what I knew now.

I think people judge because bf is often (nor always) hard, exhausting & constant, at least at first. And if you breastfeed for longer people think it's weird (I experienced this firsthand). So some bf mums feel the need to overstate the benefits (and thus judge thise who don't) of it to convince themselves the effort is worth it.

I do judge those who don't at least try, but I'd never say anything to them and id.never judge anyone who gave up.

But you ARE saying this to them or do you think your words don't hit women who happen on this bloody thread and read that loaded nonsense.

Plenty of breastfed people in prisons... just saying.

Similarly i get judged for breastfeeding!
'when are you going to stop'
'haven't you had enough?'
'just give him a bottle'
The faces I get from family when trying to feed in public when he won't latch (cos he's nosey) but he's hungry so I have to persevere.

Parenthood is judged every which way. I think do what is best for you and your baby amd screw the judgement.

Why is it important to me to breastfeed? Because I find it weird that the alternative is to give my child highly processed milk from another species of mammal for the first 6 months of their life. I wouldn't eat only cupboard food for 6 months, so if i have the option then I'd prefer my baby not to either.

Ps, i did formula top ups for a few weeks, so it's not poison!

What annoys me is people who haven’t FF like to tell people it’s a huge faff and inconvenient. It really isn’t. I haven’t BF so I’m not in a position to comment on that!
I find FF easy. I sterilise one Milton, the bottles go in the dishwasher then in the steriliser, they remain sterile for 24 hours.
I make up 6/8 bottles at a time, flash cool then and store them in the fridge, heat up as needed.
If we are going out I’ll take a couple of bottles in a cool bag, if we are going out for a long day I’ll take some sterilised bottles and ready made formula.
I recently went on a long train journey with my 5 week old and the most annoying part was getting the pray on and off the train! Feeding her was easy.
Judging other women is ridiculous.

@edgeofheaven, I can speak only for myself, seven years ago, north London. Some samples of responses (and, no, I wasn’t expecting them either):

two women with babies in Gail’s in Crouch End, very loudly, as I ffed: ‘Oh, yes, you can always tell a FF baby — they have that fat, puffy look’.

a complete stranger as I was feeding DS on a park bench, who said he was a recently-arrived asylum seeker (!?): ‘Why are you doing this, with this bottle? Why don’t you do it —‘ and gestured at my chest.

Session organiser of a BF ‘drop-in’ after I’d sought advice there twice but had to take out a bottle in a circle of BF women as newborn DS was hungry: ‘I don’t think there’s any point in you coming back, you’ve clearly got a medical problem’ — and in an undertone— ‘and I’m afraid it will discourage other new mothers who are struggling’.

Various sniggery responses to me publicly using a supplemental nursing system (milk in a bottle around my neck, tubes taped down to my nipples to see if it would encourage DS to suck and help supply). One woman at an NCT coffee morning asked if I’d had him via a surrogate.

My NCT teacher, a real old-school hippie, at the reunion meeting: ‘Oh, that’s unfortunate!’ before moving on immediately to the next person in search of stories of natural birth and successful bf.

I could go on, but it’s too depressing, and those are the ones I remember most.

Not at all. Fed is Best. Full Stop.

I'm really really fortunate that I loved breastfeeding and I fed until DD was 2yrs with very few problems.

I feel sad for women who really want to feed but struggle or who are unable to for very legitimate reasons that have been outlined in lots of pp.

Opinions are like areseholes - everyone's got one!

Honestly OP I know how you feel, I couldn't breastfed my DS for more than 2 weeks, various reasons including I wasn't producing enough and it was very very painful for me. I tried to express which got me a scathing look and a tut in a cafe from an older woman and it took all my strength not to scream at her 'ITS BREASTMILK'. In the end I stopped. It took me several years to forgive myself but actually when I look at DS in comparison to his peers you seriously cannot tell which child was breastfed and which was not. Yes, of course breast milk is best we know that but at the end of the day a fed child and a mentally well mum is also best

Whatever you do as a mum is wrong in someones eyes so you just do what's right for you and your family in that moment. Honestly there are things I wish i had/hadn't done with DS and if I had another child I would do some things differently but that's the joy of parenting - it doesn't come with an instruction manual.

I took to employing a Mrs Brown's boys-esque response to these sorts of comments and opinions 'oh really?' or 'okie dokie' or similar. In my head I was really saying 'kindly fuck off'.

"There is always a 3rd option of expressing your milk and bottle feeding. Not sure why people seem to move straight to formula."

I did that for the first 2 months because he couldn't latch. I had to top up from the start because I couldn't express enough. I also spent all day and night expressing, feeding and sterilising equipment. Max of 2 hours sleep a night, no rest, couldn't leave the house and having to leave him to cry whilst I expressed.
Expressing can work well for some women but there is no way I would put myself through that again.

No, absolutely would never judge another mum for their choice of how to feed. I am passionate about breastfeeding and chose to do so myself, but I am also passionately pro-choice!

The reason why breastfeeding is so important to me is because I feel like it is a really wonderful natural option and I am full of amazement at what women's bodies are naturally able to do to create, grow and nourish our babies. I do want to campaign for the best possible breastfeeding support and societal options that enable and encourage breastfeeding. However, if it isn't right for any woman, for any reason (which they are under no obligation to explain or defend to anyone, including me!) then I would 100% support their choice in that.

@ Esspee that’s exactly the kind of cuntiness that people are talking about. You know that, right?

@edgeofheaven....you wonder why formula feeding mothers feel attacked? You only have to look at this thread to see comments like "dont you want to give your child the best" to see that.

There's a lot of snippy r reply,s on here ,I don't judge but type reply,s seriously it's nobody's else's business how other people feed their babies and once you come through the baby/ toddler years no one gives a shit anyway .

I don't judge.

I do judge those who dispute the science though and insist it makes no difference to the child's health, judge them for being stupid. Despite bf being better for the baby, I still don't judge the mother at all. There are two people in this relationship, mum is important as well, it has to work for her as well.