Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

@SnuggyBuggy undoubtedly it's more convenient BFing when out and about, but it takes about 2 minutes to put feeding stuff together; not that far off of spontaneous really- absolutely no reason your SIL will miss out because of it. It doesn't take up much room, pop it in my backpack or changing bag and takes hardly any time to make up when needed. I can see why it's seen as a faff if you've never done it, but I think saying how much hard work and restricting it is without having done isnt really helpful. They both probably even out, I went out a fair bit without baby when he was little as my brother was very ill and I didn't want to lug him around to hospital everyday, I didn't have to express, pump or worry about them running out of milk. I'm not saying formula is easier, and I can't comment on BF past a few weeks, but let's comment on what we know rather than what we assume hey.

No. Absolutely not. It's a very personal decision and nobody's business but the mother's.

Ultimately, I wouldn't judge anyone for FF any more than I'd judge them for feeding their children a diet of beige freezer food.

Nothing to do with me.

Well i have bf and ff and bf definitely easier

I forgot to say, I don’t judge any mother who breastfeeds, even if it’s for 4 or 5 years, or anyone chooses to formula feed from birth and never try breastfeeding. As parents we are all trying our best and doing what works for us.

I'm currently bf my third but I really dislike expressing and can't produce more than a few drops so DH gives a bottle of formula in the evenings to give me a break and so I can get on with other things. IMO happy mum = happy baby. As what I do is called combination feeding, I've had negative comments from a GP and a health visitor about the ff and negative comments from relatives about bf. Do what works for you.

P.S. I know pp have said about losing weight whilst bf but I've always piled it on as it makes me really hungry!

No, I wouldn’t judge. Maybe if I’d found BF easy, maybe I would be judgey, I don’t know.

But for me, I couldn’t BF, I thought it was because DC1 went 19 hours without attempting a feed. Then I couldn’t go to BF clinic as DC1 was on a heated mattress and under a heat shield. Had a lot of support as had a maternity care assistant come to my house everyday for a month to help. But still couldn’t BF. Did manage to express some milk, but once I missed one pumping session, the milk somehow evaporated! And I felt like that’s all I was doing all day as it was. Mentally, once I decided FF would mean my baby wouldn’t die as they’d be fed, I was ok. DC2 couldn’t BF either, and I couldn’t express much as I kept having to go back to hospital and my milk dried up quickly.

I'm pregnant with my first, so have zero children and zero experience even attempting to breastfeed, so of course, I used to judge people who don't! A mix of thinking it is the "natural" thing to do, and natural obviously being superior at all times, and also believing the hype around health, IQ, etc. I reckon some of that came from my mother, who never lets me forget that she breastfed me for a long time despite having a terrible time of it!

Having since read up on the evidence, it seems the benefits materialise mainly in countries where nutrition and hygiene are poor, with additional benefits for preterm babies etc.. Also now have friends with babies and I'm very lucky that they share their experiences honestly. Both these factors have changed my mind, plus seeing how "militant" some people are about breastfeeding - but at the same time, don't you dare do it in public because somehow that's indecent. So I've decided for myself to give it a go once baby gets here because I like the idea of being able to whip out a meal, but if it's too painful or whatever, I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

There's a wider point as well that it seems whenever women make a choice that isn't 10000% about others, something they do for their own wellbeing, she's considered selfish etc. It's almost automatic and I feel I do that, too. Trying to keep that in mind and assume that a mother probably cares a tad more about her baby's wellbeing that I ever could, so why would I know better how she should feed them.

People say they don't judge but they do. I found one of the hardest things about being a mum is the constant judging. If it's not the breastfeeding, it's the sleep, the bathing, the food they eat, the childcare arrangements etc. It never ends. If you make decisions based on worrying about judgement you will be torn about every little thing. Do what's best for your family.

I wouldn't judge you. I think it's bad when mothers don't even try from the off set and give the colostrum. You have tried your best. Maybe give it a few more weeks and re-assess?

I know you have hundreds of messages but wanted to add my perspective.
I bf my first DC. I found it incredibly hard. It was painful, I had thrush infections in my breasts and my child had oral thrush. I hated feeding in public. I cried about bf I would say in all honesty every day for the first 12 weeks. It was a huge struggle and I didn’t feel any benefit personally. I haven’t even mentioned the sleep deprivation of being the only one who could feed - I couldn’t express.
For these reasons I have to admit I inwardly cringe when I hear people who say things like ‘I didn’t have enough milk’ on day 2 of trying. It makes me feel like my struggle to bf is ignored and people assume that because I did it for a year it was easy or I enjoyed it. Because for me neither of those things are true.

No, I don't judge!

I do, however, get judgey about how more important things when bringing up a child!!

Unpleasant attitudes like @TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower are why I ended up having such a miserable newborn phase with DS — and yes, people did publicly pass negative comment, chiefly though not exclusively women.

The thing is, you simply don’t know, when you see a woman formula-feeding in a cafe, whether she ‘didn’t want to’ or whether, like me, almost nothing ever came out of her breasts and she spent the first eight weeks of her baby’s life vainly seeking advice from midwife, getting blood tests at GP, La Leche League, BF cafes, NCT peer supporter, paid lactation consultant, and using a supplemental nursing system — nothing worked. It was unspeakably miserable.

I’d always planned to BF, but I certainly never demonised formula. That came from other people.

@SnuggyBuggy...two bottles at the most and two cartons, that's all they need nowadays. Have them in your bag ready and you are just as spontaneous as anyone else?

No one has the right to judge how you feed your child. People aren’t aware of others personal circumstances and experiences and neither should they be as your decision is a private matter - you don’t need to try to explain yourself just say if asked “it wasn’t working for me”. If they blather on ... “it might have been right for your family - it isn’t right for me/my family”.

We know breastfeeding has it’s benefits but bottle feeding does too. Someone can take over and give mum a break. Deficiencies that mum has such as vit d or b vits won’t affect baby.

As someone else has said your mental health is vitally important. If you are happy and relaxed your baby will get the best of you. If breastfeeding is making you miserable then quit. (From experience) The worst time for breastfeeding guilt is when you are trying and struggling (tired/sore/fed up) when you make the decision to quit that all lifts because you move on. I am absolutely not anti breast feeding - I am anti mothers being miserable.

I don’t interpret “fed is best” negatively like the previous poster said. I heard the term in the context of a breastfed baby that had starved/dehydrated to death and I understand it in the context that mothers persevering with breastfeeding while their little ones are not being adequately fed/hydrated, losing weight, failing to thrive need to take a look at themselves, grab a bottle and feed the baby!

I do not judge anyone for the way they feed their babies. I think it's wonderful that we live in a developed country and that we have a choice of bf, ff, combination, and that we can have healthy, happy, thriving babies. Differences make life interesting & I support women wherever their choice.

I don't judge at all. Could not make BFing work with DD and gave up after 12 weeks of mixed feeding, and after 3 weeks or agony I did make it work with DS and it was great. But giving it up with DD was such a relief and I bonded with her much better once we switched to bottle. So I am firmly behind mums doing what works for them.

I never felt judged when I bottle fed, I have to say and I wish mums knew that you won't be getting the stink eye everywhere or at all - I feel so sad and angry when I see mums absolutely castigating themselves as terrible mothers, failures etc because they can't bf and they've got the message that it's A Terrible Thing not to bf. It doesn't come easily to everyone.

I defend a mum's right to do whatever she wants - bfing can be really hard and often doesn't work out, or if she finds the idea of bfing gross and doesn't want her boobs to be used that way, that's her decision.

I don’t judge, as long as it’s an educated decision.
I do judge when people ff from the start ‘so hubby can bond and do night feeds’ and other bullshit reasons.
I would however do anything in my power to give my own child human milk and not bovine milk made from a baby cow.
Cows have to to be impregnated and birth a calf to produce milk, we then use this milk to feed our children and put in our tea- it’s weird!

It didn't work out for me so I definitely don't judge others

I try very hard not to judge other women at all, full stop. Nobody understands the reasons why people do the things they do or why they make the (valid!) choices they make, so what’s the point of judging? Does it actually help anyone in any way? It only helps the person doing the judging feel superior IMO and often makes them act in rather unkind ways in my experience.

I couldn’t care less how you feed your baby as long as you’re feeding them something appropriate - and formula IS appropriate.

People love to tear women down for anything - being too fat/thin/wearing the wrong clothes/not having kids/having c-sections/working/not working/formula feeding/co sleeping/blah blah blah. Just refuse to feel like a failure and be secure in your choices. Just refuse to be made to feel like crap for living your life the way you see fit. The way I fed my babies is literally nobody else’s business and largely irrelevant by the time they’re weaned anyway.

I'll be really, really honest here. I do judge them. I don't want to, and I fully agree that it is none of my business and I don't want to be judgemental. But my first thought is just "why?"
I won't ever say it, especially not to a mum going through it. But I do think it. I get quite annoyed at those who won't do it because "it's weird" or "it's disgusting" but that is mainly my own insecurities that they are judging me for having done it.
I've talked about the benefits of breastfeeding when I've been asked. Like everyone, I have my own story and struggles where breastfeeding was definitely right for us. Realistically I understand that if I couldn't or didn't breastfeed, I'm sure the outcome would have been more or less the same but DS was prem and tiny and is now huge (tall) and healthy as a horse.

Nope, zero judgement. Those who do 'judge' don't actually care. They don't care about some random persons child, they just pass their judgement to feel better about themselves. To make themselves feel superior. That's quite pathetic so I just leave them to it.

No, even if it's just that they don't want to, I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
You will get loads of people who say they don't judge, but then add some comment that makes you realise that actually they do, like most of the posters on here.

No and I hate when Mum's do judge. We get enough judgement from everywhere else without turning on each other.
What you do with your baby, breast/bottle wise, is up to you.
I breastfed my DD for a year. I then couldn't with DS as he was 28 weeks and my milk didn't come in. I was made to feel like shit by midwives and some Neonatal staff because of it, one even saying I "didn't care" for my DS if I refused to breastfeed (ignoring the fact I was unable to, not unwilling).
All this "breastfed babies are smarter/healthier/more attractive people (joke but I'm surprised that's not been used yet) is bullshit. My DCs are both just as clever as each other, behaviour wise DD can be a cow and moody and DS has Aspergers so who knows.
Do what is right for you as well.

Why is husband's bonding and helping with night feed a shit reason? Some couples are alone in raising a baby, with no other support, and for the mother being able to share care with the male parent makes a lot of sense.