Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

OP, this academic paper found the benefits of breastfeeding to be massively overstated once you control properly for family specific factors. www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0277953614000549?via%3Dihub

My DH and I will be TTC next year and, if successful, I only plan to BF for 1-2 weeks max.

BF is one of the main things that has put me off having a child (I am 35) as I see it as the reason why many previously equal relationships slide into having the woman to become the default parent.

The idea of me being the sole source of food, comfort, etc. for a year just fills me with dread.

I was exclusively formula fed. I am taller, healthier, more attractive, more academically able and, more professionally and personally successful (using the usual rather arbitrary measures that people think of when using those words) than everyone I know well enough to know they were breastfed. So long as a child receives proper nutrition the method used to achieve this is completely irrelevant to their long term development. I did choose to breastfeed myself because it was easy and convenient. I have nothing against breastfeeding at all but I am under no illusion that I have somehow improved my children’s chances in any way through my infant feeding choices.

I would consider judging a woman for not breastfeeding just downright stupid. There will be people who judge one way or the other, it’s unavoidable but it really shouldn’t matter what people like that think.

Not at all. It's not my business. I might wonder why some don't, as it is free and there's less clearing up to do, so it's easier in one respect but I'd never judge them for that choice. I had to do mixed feeding as I wasn't producing enough milk and neither of my babies showed any interest in latching on. They much preferred the bottle. - sad but true.

@KennDodd the science shows the benefit is very minor and has no long term effect.

What HauntedPinecone said.

And for all of those people who say criticism of FF mothers doesn’t happen in real life... nonsense. It happens all the time. I no longer see a friend of mine because of her disgusting attitude towards women who FF. Like many of those on this thread she couldn’t explain why it bothered her so much what other women did with their boobs.

Moreover, she was so shocked and outraged by the fact I refused to join in her FF bashings simply because I’m part of the “exclusive” club of women who have breastfed she seemed to expect me to apologise for myself. Couldn’t stomach her anymore. Women who hate women are the worst. Strange how they often carry on about their alleged allegiance to the pursuit of women’s rights yet are the first to tear other women down. I don’t even think they know they’re doing it.

Case in point. There are an awful lot of people on this thread who start their posts: “I don’t judge, but...” or “Women have the right to choose, but...”

“I’m not racist, but...”
“I’m not sexist, but...”
All the same thing, people.

It really isn't anyone else's business how another woman feeds her baby. In fact I think we should celebrate choice and encourage other women to do exactly what they want, or don't want, to do with their bodies.

However I do get frustrated when people try to claim breastmilk and formula milk are the same. They're not. One is a superior substance to the other - which doesn't mean that breastfeeding as an experience is better for every mother. But it doesn't change facts. It's also frustrating to watch people deny the benefits of breastfeeding with weird anecdata: "I was breastfed and I get eczema" no one said breastfeeding prevents eczema - however there's a possibility that it may have been worse if thou hadn't been breastfed.

I also think there's a horrendous double standard WRT BF v FF. breastfeeding can be slagged off, sneered at and out down all the love long day by FFers, whilst if you say the slightest thing about FF as a breast feeder the pitchforks come out.

I never have had the BF v FF debate IRL. Ever. seemingly it only happens in places like MN. And from what I see, breastfeeders very rarely judge formula feeders - but I really do think formula feeders judge themselves more than anyone else does.

I think what troubles me is the number of women who aren’t given enough accurate information to make a properly informed choice about feeding their babies. If you are sure that you don’t want to bf, then that’s fine. If you want to, try, dinner like it and change your mind-that’s fine too. But the women who want to, try, struggle and give up are being massively let down by both the professionals and by society. There are some women who for medical reasons just can’t bf. But studies from other countries show that it is a very small number, and the overwhelming majority can, with the proper support. It is incredibly sad that women often don’t get the information they need to make an informed decision. And it is even sadder that we have reached a point that some people will say that I am being unreasonable, patronising, or something else negative for even saying this.

I had low milk supply and my DD was tongue tied, so I couldn't, though I did try for about a month but DD was losing too much weight.

Whenever I get a bottle out in public, somewhere in the back of my mind I feel the need to blurt out "I did attempt breastfeeding!!" so I do feel the air of judgment you're talking about.

To be honest, I think the worst culprits were the midwives who really pushed it when it clearly wasnt working, and made me feel really stressed when I already had a lot of post birth complications to contend with.

I didn't need it and it's very annoying to look back on knowing she ended up FF anyway like so many other babies.

Why would someone come running up to you in the street to start ‘lecturing’ you on breastfeeding, especially when you say that you are actually breast feeding. That makes absolutely no sense to me and would irritate me greatly. Then again I find your husband’s conclusion that women who judge must do so because they’re envious that they didn’t have the choice not to irritating and ironically judgemental too, not to mention daft considering formula’s been around for about a hundred years. I personally don’t judge, as I realise breastfeeding is not easy for everyone, though I do think everyone should give it a go.

I would never ever judge, I judge anyone who believes it's any of their business how others feed their baby. I felt like you OP, I hated bf. It made me miserable and uncomfortable. Had DMer and every time I bf I felt a wave of awful, depressed homesickness. But I kept going, I don't know why... partly because I didn't have anyone around to talk to about it, and my DM is the most judgemental person I've ever met and is passionate about bf. I have no doubt that bf contributed to my horrendous PND. I can barely remember the first year of DS life. My mental health was in tatters...the minute I stopped when DS was 14 mo things started to slowly get better. There is NOTHING more important than your mental health here...you need to look after yourself as well as your DD.
I really don't think that many people out there in real life would actually judge. I've never met anyone who cared, apart from my DM, and she's judgemental about pretty much everything.

I judge mothers who judge non breast feeding mothers

@TabbyMumz so mean comments on MN are equivalent to a global airline having a policy that discriminates against how you feed your child? Right OK.

Maybe clicking on a discussion about whether people judge FF mothers isn’t the right one if someone is so sensitive?

I didn't breastfeed. DD is a happy and healthy tween. I wasn't breast fed either nor was Dsis and her kids.

When I was in hospital having DD, the midwives were horrid and would not tell me where the formula was. They were content for DD to be hungry and to try to 'force' me to breastfeed by having no other choice. If it wasn't for another mum on the ward, I would not have found the formula cupboard on my own.

I also remember being handed the baby to breastfeed almost as soon as she was born. I'd just had a traumatic birth. It was clear on my birth plan that I had no intention of breastfeeding but the midwives still pushed it.

My baby was a very very hungry baby, even HV agreed. HV was great. No judgement at all. Got me along to a breastfeeding group even though I wasn't breastfeeding as I had PND and needed some friends. I got no judgement at that group and remain friends with some of the other mums.

Op, I haven’t RTFT but if the person who ran after you really wanted to just lecture you about BF then they are a fixated loon with poor social skills and can be ignored. If you wanted to BF but we’re struggling I’d urge you to keep trying for help in case you were disappointed later. But if you really don’t like BF and are only doing it to please others then seriously just stop! It won’t make much / any difference in the long run ... forget the judgement of others. You have given baby a good start, you have legitimate alternative choices and it’s entirely up to you. Fuck everyone else. I have BF and FF - kids totally healthy and bright - it’s not worth making yourself miserable over.

When you become a parent ... no, when you are pregnant, you will find people will judge you for every decision you make... you have to grow a thicker skin and crack on with enjoying being a mum x

@edgeofheaven.....what on earth are you talking about? I know nothing about comments about a global airline?

I am a childminder and I can tell you right now, the babies I've had coming through my door have been brest fed, bottle fed, combi fed and it makes no difference to how ofter they get ill, no difference to their behaviour or any other aspect of their well being.
A question for all the prople who do have a problem with it, or even give it a second thought. Why?

I did, before I had my own and couldn’t.

I wouldnt judge. In fact I did not breast feed and the only person who judged was my delightful MIL.

I had a horrendous pregnancy and labour and milk never came through quick enough for my hungry DD who had to be fed formula due to low blood sugar. If I had perservered I maybe would have beenable to but frankly that would have tipped me over the edge into post natal depression.

You have to do what is right for you as well.

I couldn’t care less how others feed their babies.

What annoys me though (as a BF mother) is people who try to convince me of why they are FF and none IME have ever just said “I didn’t want to”. They all come up with other excuses as if their own choice isn’t a good enough reason. And I do think those made up reasons are generally rubbish - own your decision and be upfront. That might then help others who make the decision for similar reasons and break the cycle.

The OP wasn’t asking if BF is better or not, although this thread seems to have focused on that, it’s whether BF mothers judge those who FF.

I think (with hindsight) new mothers generally are too sensitive (with good reason - sleep deprivation, hormones, physical battering from birth) and they sometimes perceive judgement where there is none. I’m not saying no BF mother judges, as this thread shows, but I think it’s the minority. Most are too concerned about their own lives - many BF mothers really struggle with it at first and are probably focused on their own challenges and perhaps talk about it because it is hard and time consuming when you are doing it.

As I said, I couldn’t care less what others do but I really struggled with BF and am proud I stuck with it and I did it exclusively for 6 months each time before weaning. I don’t always feel I can say that and I just wish people didn’t see me do it and start justifying their own choices, perhaps because deep down they are not happy with their own choice.

This could be for many reasons, but I do think that mothers should be told just how hard BF is at first. I think if people knew it was hard, they wouldn’t feel so bad about struggling and might stick with it knowing it’s normal and it will get better. Although I suppose it might discourage others. There should also be more support for those wishing to BF.

Not the point either but I also don’t get the references to “militant” breast feeders, making a show of BF in public - who are these people ? I’ve never come across / seen one and do wonder if BF mothers (who are in the minority) are actually judged by non-BF.

I guess I do. I don't judge those that tried and struggled and were given false information and crap advice, and I know that is the majority. I do absolutely judge those that give the first feed as a bottle for no other reason than 'happy mummy, happy baby'. I think formula should be seen as a medication and not a lifestyle choice for parents.

@snuggybuggy....mine were on four hourly feeds from about a month onwards. Never used cartons myself, but a friend does nowadays and seems really easy. I loved doing the preparation of bottles and felt really organised. Think she uses powder at home and cartons if out, therefore not that much more expensive. If you think about it, lots of mums struggle with bf and hardly leave the house, as opposed to those who ff early days and can go out when they like, so its swings and roundabouts really.

There was a very long thread about bf-ing a few months back. At least one of the posters complaining that parents who FF are judged was on that thread throwing around words like “weird” and “abusive” with regards to bf-ing.

I don’t judge people who FF. I think it all looks a bit of a faff but that’s as far as my interest goes.

I very much judge society as a whole for their response to breastfeeding and the support available.

Not at all. I bfed and liked it because I am the laziest woman in the world and couldn't be arsed with the palaver of bottles etc.
I definitely don't judge women who can't/ don't want to.

The only time I've ever felt judgey about breastfeeding was with my SIL, who announced that she wasn't going to breastfeed at all for two reasons - a) she didn't want to ruin the appearance of her breasts (she's not reliant on her appearance to do her job) and b) because she didn't want her baby 'hanging off her all day'.

Otherwise you do what you need to. I managed 12 weeks with my first (it was agony, I screamed into a cushion when he latched on and I produced more blood than milk towards the end) and the same with my 2nd, with whom it was a lovely, calm experience. I'd have done so longer with him except the other one was potty-training and combining the two was a nightmare!

Can't stand people who make others feel 'less than' for doing what they can manage.