Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

It's not just medical professionals that agree breast is best...formula companies do too. It states it on every bottle of formula that "breast milk is best for baby".
So if you can breastfeed, you should. I don't know why you wouldnt want to give your baby what's best unless you have a medical problem.

Do you know, I have no idea if I was breastfed or not.

And there is no one left I can ask.

Who cares? And what actual difference has it made to my life?

Snuggybuggy....you sterilise bottles in the home. You only need one or two out with you if they are fed every 4 hours. Perfectly manageable.

I think its sad that not more mums do it and i'm not talking about the ones who simply couldn't.

Each to their own but I'd have found lugging a bag full of sterile bottles, multiple flasks and sterile containers of powder a right drag compared to BF on a train journey. I felt BF gave me a lot of freedom to go out with baby and be a bit more spontaneous. I guess I feel like SIL will miss out on that until baby doesn't need milk feeds.

No. As long as the baby is being fed I don't care about it being breast or bottle. Nor should anyone else.
New mums have enough to deal with without being made to feel like Shit about their feeding choices.

Nope. That's all.

I don't have anything interesting to add, I just want new mums to know that most people don't judge them, about anything really, even though it can feel like all eyes are on you when you're fumbling something. They're really not.

I honestly think it's bloody hard. I am breastfeeding my toddler these days but by god the first days were hard, got easier slightly and the first 4weeks were painful, tiring, draining. If you do want to do it, push through to two weeks amd see if it's any easier.

Because I found it so hard I really don't judge anyone for stopping.

Internally iv thought why can't you give it go when my sisters didn't try at all, just since some people do seem to start up easier. I wouldn't tell them out loud tho, I just thought shame not to have a go.

These two sisters though had planned to return to work at 3month pp tho so I guess breastfeeding would have been extremely hard to maintain

Nothing brings more judgement from both sides than this. Weirdly there seems to be an ideal of breastfeeding for six months then weaning onto formula which few people do
So you are either judged for not breastfeeding or breastfeeding too long.

What does it matter to anyone else apart from the people involved?

@trijo your post was awful your husband was sexually abusive and the fact you are still with him makes the issue not about breastfeeding at all

As we see in the thread: Defensiveness breeds bad behaviour and often ff mums feel defensive about their choice so they get judgy and bf mums feel defensive about THIER choice so they get judgy. How lucky we are in the west to have choices and debate. Two facts that see me through this debate are - babies would die without breastfeeding and babies would die without formula so each of them are vitally important and worthwhile.
Feeding the baby is such a tiny part of motherhood and a personal one.

Short answer: no I would not judge you for it. It’s your child and your body and I would assume you would make your own decisions based on the facts of your life.

Since you have asked for an honest response, yes, I do judge women who won't even try unless there are profound reasons why. I do think society is to blame though. I think there is still the idea that breasts can only be on display if they're dressed up in a sexy low-cut top, that women who feed in public are some how flaunting it. What exactly are they flaunting? Some women will have grown up with those messages.

That said if you've tried and hated it, it's time for a bottle. I breastfed and it was bloody sore for a long time but I was determined and one day I realised I was feeding without pain. If you're not determined and hate it there will never be any pay-off for you and you don't want to think about the early days with darkness. They can be hard enough anyway.

Who cares ! Whether I judge you or not

Look at any reception class and can you tell who was BF or not ? Exactly

Not at all. I loved breastfeeding, but, I never had any pain or discomfort. No matter how you parent you will be judged so just feed your baby in a way that comfortable for you both and focus on that.

I absolutely do not judge. Your baby, your body, your choice. How you feed your baby is nobody else’s business.

Couldn't care less. I don't think irl .mothers do judge other mothers for not breastfeeding. Most women don't do it. I found it fairly easy after the first few weeks. One of my best friends didn't want to do it so didn't even bother. I didn't judge her at the time, it was none of my business. Not my baby. Our kids are indistinguishable now in terms of intelligence and health.

Actually, perfect conditions were with the lid on and handling the clean bottles with aseptic technique. Most people I know who FF didnt maintain those standards very long. There's a reason why FF babies are more likely to have tummy bugs and it isn't because of the magic milkies.

No, definitely not. I breastfed, probably because I thought I should. In retrospect I wish I'd done mixed feeding because it caused me a lot of stress being the only person who could feed them and not having a decent night's sleep for months.

Everyone should do what's best for their family, provided the baby is safe and cared for.

And women should stop judging other women for their choices full stop!

I tried breastfeeding my first and HATED it. I’m glad I tried it for a few days but was so much happier when I gave up.My DH could do some nighttime feeds which meant he bonded with the baby and I had extra sleep. My baby was contented and went for longer between feeds. I could leave the baby with grandparents for a few hours and know there wouldn’t be any problem if baby was hungry. I didn’t even try feeding my second child because I knew I didn’t want to and formula had worked so well for all of us as a family.

These days my children are all healthy, happy adults holding down professional jobs and leading fulfilling lives. Nobody cares that they weren’t breastfed!

Your baby needs a mentally healthy mother more than they need breast milk. Anyone who judges mother's by how they feed their baby is just ignorant and not worth listening too.

Nothing pissed me off more than basically randoms asking me if I was breastfeeding. It’s none of your bloody business, why do you want to know!? It’s a private and often difficult journey, I wouldn’t dream of asking someone let alone judging them.

I did breast feed for the first 2 months exclusively and it was constant, I was exhausted. Even after a private consultant came to help me feed more ‘efficiently’. We switched to mixed feeding so my husband could help, I could sleep and I could be in the same room without her screaming to be in my boob. That’s just what worked better for me, and I was too tired to kick myself over it.

Well I bf both of mine for around 18 months+. I did so because it was important to me and I believed (and still do) that chemical approximations of food stuffs aren't the same as food - we don't eat highly processed food (all food is processed to some degree - it's been through a process to get it from where it was to my kitchen) and we tend to eat 'clean'. Our bodies aren't designed to use/process/digest aritificial food. And I believe that a lot of the health problems we have today are related to an artificial diet.

Would I judge someone else for choosing not to breastfeed? No. But, as someone else said, I don't understand it either.

What bugs me is that saying anything positive about breastfeeding is often seen as being critical and brings out all the people chanting "fed is best". I believe fed is the bare minimum. Fed is best implies what we feed our children doesn't matter but as we know, we shouldn't be giving a bottle of cows milk (for example) to a newborn.

This.

There is always a 3rd option of expressing your milk and bottle feeding. Not sure why people seem to move straight to formula. At least that way the baby is getting the milk naturally designed for it and you still get the health benefits.

I can honestly say I couldn't give two hoots how other people feed their babies. It is of no concern or interest to me and it's certainly not my business.

I can't understand people's comments like The only time I judge mothers that don’t breastfeed is if they completely refuse to give colostrum, just for the first few days or I do judge those who don't at least try, it's not even on my radar to notice or care about how hey feed their babies.
What are you doing with the negative judgeement? Holding it against someone?

How long has this judging been going on. When I had mine no one asked or cared,same with my peer group. My mum bottle fed me and my siblings 50 years ago and no one 'judged' you just did what suited.

OP. Do what works for you!

I tried BF, I really did. I’d been in hospital for a couple of days before having my DTs due to severe pe, and was so huge I hadn’t slept for more than a couple of hours before my surprise elcs. The midwives tried to help me bf, but DT2 just wouldn’t/couldn’t play ball, and the midwife cup fed them formula because all 3 of us were getting increasingly distressed, and they were given bottles the next night because they were starving.

There were no issues with latch, I just couldn’t make enough milk. I never had engorged boobs, or let down, or anything like that. Bf felt like they were sucking razor blades out of my boobs, so I pumped every two hours and combination fed them - after a whole 24 hours of pumping I managed to produce enough milk for one feed each. I finally gave up after 6-8 weeks when I couldn’t even make enough milk for one feed each, and felt like the worlds biggest failure.

My attempt to mix feed definitely contributed to my pnd. They’re ivf babies, so I felt like I couldn’t get pregnant naturally, I couldn’t birth them naturally, and I couldn’t even feed them naturally. I felt like I was a complete failure as a woman and a mother, and utterly pathetic and useless, like I’d ruined their lives before they’d even got started.

So no, I don’t judge women who ff, or bf, or combination feed. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like I felt because of not wanting to or being unable to bf - I genuinely believe fed is best!