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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

999 replies

HarryHarry · 14/10/2019 02:45

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 14/10/2019 20:21

I'm sorry you weren't supported enough and feel like you have to put other people and their partners down

Ridiculous. I was 100% supported in breastfeeding and I'm very glad I was but it was also entirely my decision. If DH had wanted me to FF for any reason it would not have been his business at all.

And no he is not in any way less bonded to our children or any less caring a father.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 20:23

“ I'm sorry you weren't supported enough and feel like you have to put other people and their partners down.“
I was absolutely supported - in my decision
And don’t be ridiculous- I haven’t put anyone down.

Solihooley · 14/10/2019 20:23

Zsazajuju can you stop shamelessly misquoting posters on this thread? Because it’s starting to look like you are the one who can’t engage in a serious discussion and you have a motive here. Plus it’s very offensive to suggest that I would suggest that a baby would be better off dead that formula fed when you know that’s not what I said. It’s actually ridiculous.

R2G · 14/10/2019 20:24

No not at all. Some do some don't and everyone will have their different reasons. I wouldn't be expected to be judged for going back to work with baby few months old, having a c section, weaning at 5vmonths etc etc

Clarke45 · 14/10/2019 20:25

I couldn't breast feed- went into shock through blood loss and my boobs didn't work because of it! I was told that I had to bottle feed as absolutely nothing was coming out. I was gutted but obviously there was nothing that could have been done. The nurses that looked after me were lovely but I kept getting disapproving looks from other new mums once I was allowed out of HDU and onto the post natal ward every time I bottle fed my son which made me feel like a failure.

notacooldad · 14/10/2019 20:26

Well the OP certainly lit the torch paper with this thread!!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Babypug · 14/10/2019 20:28

So in answer to the op question - those that breastfeed do judge those formula feeding.
Although those formula feeding don't judge those breastfeeding ... what does that say?!

meganxz · 14/10/2019 20:31

I've been breastfeeding for 18 months now and honestly I've never judged. How could I? I was formula fed and I think I've turned how fine!

Masterof1 · 14/10/2019 20:34

I've followed this thread since conception (pun intended) and feel compelled to chime in.

I'm a father of two and husband to one. We made the decision to bottle feed together before our babies were born. It wasn't a lengthy drawn out debate, neither of us felt strongly either way so the decision was made.

We knew from the off that we would be judged by anyone/everyone who cared to ask. This especially rang true when we attended the NCT classes. Blatant attempts at persuasion from the 'teacher' were ignored.

You see for me it's simple. I have a full-time job and run a business on the side. My wife has just as hard a time with the kids whilst I'm at work so the more I can do to help whilst I am at home the better. Bottle feeding allows me to do the night feeds if the day has been particularly challenging and allows my wife to sleep. @BravoStrong I fail to see how you can determine my masculinity from this decision?

Selfdoubter123 · 14/10/2019 20:35

Breast feeding promotion is plentiful but targeted at pregnant women. In my line of work I see women after having babies. It’s fairly unusual for women to decide (having seen all the health promotion) to FF from the offset. But what is very common is women wanting to bf but having their confidence knocked by 1. Crap postnatal services and support and 2. Family and partners undermining their confidence (baby seems hungry, don’t you want to let dad help, dad needs to bond with baby too, can’t we all have a go at feeding baby, I could never bf so you probably won’t be able to either, don’t know why you’re wasting your time - baby clearly doesn’t like it, oooh see, baby loves the bottle!)

As an aside (this thread has well and truly left the OP’s point) - society as a whole needs to be educated on the absolutely rubbish claims of ‘so and so did it and they’re fine so I’m going to do it’. Children in schools should be educated on what research is and what an evidence base is. That’s the only way informed decisions can be made.

I tire at the people I see on fb promoting unsafe baby sleeping practices because ‘I used a duvet, pillow, cot bumpers and smoked in the nursery and they didn’t die from SIDS so it is safe’. It’s just so incredibly stupid and you see it ALL the time in relation to child-rearing.

But going back to OP - I think that if you’re feeling miserable breastfeeding - throw the towel in and start enjoying your baby Flowers

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 20:39

There is absolutely nothing that tries to normalise breast feeding. It’s no point targeting it at pregnant women- it’s society that has to change, not pregnant women!

Babypug · 14/10/2019 20:42

@meganxz
So my babies won't grow 3 heads and have blue skin?! Phew I thought formula feeding was made by the devil on here (giggles)

Kittenbittenmitten · 14/10/2019 20:43

@notacooldad. I think a lot of us expected the thread to go this way. They nearly always do!

Jaffacakebeast · 14/10/2019 20:46

Nope never, boob or bottle, each to their own!

GPatz · 14/10/2019 20:51

'So in answer to the op question - those that breastfeed do judge those formula feeding.
Although those formula feeding don't judge those breastfeeding ... what does that say?!'

Plenty of BF women said on this thread they do not judge. As for FF not judging BF, this was not the OP's question. We could start another thread on that subject. I could give an example of judgement I have received.

housebuyingistheworst · 14/10/2019 20:53

The real question is - why do you care?

LunchBoxPolice · 14/10/2019 20:59

I’ve always found the idea of breast feeding disturbing - when I had my ds I tried it once and was so repulsed I never tried again. I dislike seeing women doing it in public too, although I realise it’s perfectly natural and would never let my feelings be known.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2019 20:59

We made the decision to bottle feed together before our babies were born

Did you also say “we’re pregnant” and “our birth plan”?

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 21:00

Well I care because I want women to be in a position to make informed choices. Some women know from the start they don’t want to bf, and done know they do. The ones I’m bothered about are the women who want to, try, don’t manage, are forced to give up then feel miserable about it. Research shows that the cast majority of women can physically bf, so something f is going badly wrong somewhere. And if we can’t talk about it, we can’t do anything about it.

Babypug · 14/10/2019 21:01

@GPatz
No need for the new thread, because I'm not judging... I've only spoken up for what we've done. As for what other families do, they do them. Simple.
Our bodies are our own and we can decide what to do/ no do.

Babypug · 14/10/2019 21:02

@LunchBoxPolice
Fair play to your honest comment. (High five)

HarryElephante · 14/10/2019 21:03

Nothing gets the juices flowing like a good old breastfeeding thread.

Tomorrow, join me for a discussion on vaccinations.

GPatz · 14/10/2019 21:03

'Why would I push my husband out of being a dad and breastfeed our babies alone?'

This seems to be a judgement Babypug.

HarryElephante · 14/10/2019 21:05

I’ve always found the idea of breast feeding disturbing - when I had my ds I tried it once and was so repulsed I never tried again. I dislike seeing women doing it in public too, although I realise it’s perfectly natural and would never let my feelings be known

Fair play. I've always found those who don't breastfeed to be neglecting their duty and their children.

But, like you, I never say anything.

Babypug · 14/10/2019 21:05

@AnneLovesGilbert
Funnily enough I couldn't get pregnant without husband... so yes it's our baby, our family etc.
Why do women feel they own their babies more than the fathers? Are we not equal? Well we are in our household.
I'm guessing you jointly decide on if they're going to get vaccinated, where there'll go to school etc. So why would other life choices be any different?

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