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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

999 replies

HarryHarry · 14/10/2019 02:45

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

OP posts:

jennymanara · 14/10/2019 19:34

@hazeyjane It is the combination of the messages that is pressure. Women need to be given accurate information.

swingofthings · 14/10/2019 19:34

What a side thread this has once again turned into proving exactly OP's point and that is that still nowadays, some women believe that it is ok to judge women who ff, even more so if they do it by choice.

OP, don't worry, if you come across such a person in real life, tell them to take a hike, they tend to only have a go at those who lack confidence, they don't dare so much if they know they'll be told to get lost in they open their mouth to voice their outdated views.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 19:35

“ Which is fine but if my dd told me to give my baby formula (as they did with my friend as we were discussing above) I wouldn’t let your experience persuade me otherwise.”
Of course not. But if you had read the NHS website and read there that the baby’s weight loss was perfectly normal and nothing to worry about, and you wanted to carry on bf, then presumably you’d ask a few questions?

Karwomannghia · 14/10/2019 19:36

No I don’t judge whatsoever. I would defend someone’s right to bottle feed if I ever heard a comment about it.

It has annoyed me a bit when bottle feeders have said urgh how can you do that about breast feeding though and made me feel uncomfortable.

Celebelly · 14/10/2019 19:37

My DD did lose a bit more weight than they like (11%) in first few days. They generally prefer no more than 10%. But by two weeks she was back up to birth weight again. I think it does scare new mums though, especially if they aren't told it's normal. All they hear is 'weight loss' and panic.

hazeyjane · 14/10/2019 19:39

selfdoubter123
I’ve often thought there should be public health adverts promoting breastfeeding

Have you been in a clinic/drs/womens outpatients etc lately?! Posters like this are everywhere!!

There has been a long running Breast Is Best campaign, what is unfortunate is this doesn't lead to much actual practical support to breastfeed.

Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

GPatz · 14/10/2019 19:41

Celebelly. DS lost 11% and I was panicking and would have done anything the Dr said at the time.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 19:42

Yes, my ds lost a bit more than. He should have done, but because he was my second I was confident enough to know he would be fine. And he then he put on weight slowly but steadily. And a few years later I read on here about “carch-down” growth. Ds was huge and many huge babies lose a bit more than put on weight more slowly to get them back onto a more “normal” track.

Binforky · 14/10/2019 19:43

I fed my first for 3 days, I couldn't feed my second due to bring kept in hospital away from them for a week and ended up having a scan with dye so wasn't alloys and I was relieved not to.

With my third I refused I can't do it I hate anything touching my nipples and breast feeding made me feel physically sick plus I'm painfully shy so couldn't do it out and about.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 19:43

“ Celebelly. DS lost 11% and I was panicking and would have done anything the Dr said at the time.”

But if you had had more information you would have been spared rhe panic. That’s what I’m trying to say.

BravoStrong · 14/10/2019 19:44

@Babypug I was interested to know?

You made the baby together but only you were pregnant and only you gave birth. Only you would be able to breastfeed. So I was interested why bottle feeding was a decision made by you both and was wondering what drove it? Now I see you feel that breastfeeding would be ‘driving him out’ of being a dad which is one of the most ridiculous example of fragile masculinity I’ve ever seen.

Like I said up thread (just to reiterate) I don’t care how babies are fed unless it’s upsetting the mother.

GPatz · 14/10/2019 19:44

It was a learning curve for me. Anything medical I now carry out my own research, should I need to discuss anything with the relevant medical professional.

hazeyjane · 14/10/2019 19:46

The thing is seeing all the Breast Is Best stuff did make me feel shit when it was all going tits up....the first, second and third time...
That doesn't mean the message shouldn't be put out there because its not the words or the campaign to encourage breastfeeding that were making me feel sad or guilty it was my brain!

GPatz · 14/10/2019 19:46

Ah sorry, cross post BertrandRussell. You are quite right. I didn't have that information before hand. Luckily, my particular pediatrician did.

Neverender · 14/10/2019 19:46

In a word...No.

AlpacaGoodnight · 14/10/2019 19:46

I do not judge at all! Own your decision, you will find that most people are less judgemental than you think. Don't let your mental health suffer

Selfdoubter123 · 14/10/2019 19:48

@hazeyjane all of those campaigns target women of child-bearing age though. Where’s the TV adverts following Cow&Gate’s adverts in prime time slots? Where’s the promotion that will reach the older generations/partners? These are often the people that support or discourage a woman to bf, and it’s those attitudes that need to change

Isaididont · 14/10/2019 19:49

I don’t judge. I understand there are many reasons for not BFing.
I personally BF but I got support at the right time and it just worked out.
It’s tough enough being a mum without the constant judgement. It’s quite a shock to the system how suddenly it seems like everyone’s got a right to judge and comment because you’ve got a baby.
After a while I got used to it and was better able to shrug it off and not get bothered by it.
The acquaintance was totally out of order but don’t let it get to you, for some bizarre reason, becoming a parent seems to mean that people will want to give you their opinions.
It’s hard to get used to and it’s sad you feel worried about what people will think - I can totally relate to that feeling. I just hope that over time your confidence in your parenting decisions will grow and you’ll feel less and less bothered, that’s what happened to me.

hazeyjane · 14/10/2019 19:56

Selfdoubter123

That's a good point. Hopefully things like the Aldi and Sainsbury's ads that show breastfeeding in such a normal everyday way, will be part of a sea change.

Babypug · 14/10/2019 19:57

@BravoStrong

Ok I carried the baby and gave birth, which was via c-section. However throughout my pregnancy one of which was more smooth than the other without the support of my husband before, during and after the birth I wouldn't have been able to do it. I'm not putting him on a pedalstal just being honest.
I don't know why women think they're more important than men when it comes to babies. Men are constantly bashed on here, they don't do enough round the home, they cheat, aren't present at weekends, I could go on.
My husband has been awesome and it's a shame you can't see that and you've put him down. Clap clap... how does your partner feel?
When it comes to breast feeding, I don't care who does or doesn't. Except when it comes down to bottle feeding those on the other side have so much to say.
My children aren't going to be judged at any point in their life because of the decision their parents jointly made at the beginning of their life.
They won't be asked at school in the playground, when they have a job interview or go on a date. So why does it matter now?

Babypug · 14/10/2019 19:58

@BravoStrong
That's an interesting theory, can you expand on the fragile masculinity part?
What does it have to do with masculinity?

Tippety · 14/10/2019 20:10

I’ve often thought there should be public health adverts promoting breastfeeding

Ive given birth fairly recently and there are posters EVERYWHERE. There could be more in public I guess, but in a maternity ward makes sense as you are more likely to reach your target audience.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 20:10

My partner is/was awesome too. But how I fed our babies was entirely up to me. The idea of a man being able to dictate or even influence a woman in this matter is horrifying.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 20:12

You never see babies being bf on the telly. There are advertisements for formula- but nothing about bfeeding at all.

Babypug · 14/10/2019 20:14

@BertrandRussell
I'm sorry you weren't supported enough and feel like you have to put other people and their partners down. To assume that he influenced my/ our decision is wrong, I believe your views are horrifying (shock!)

It seems that unless you are unable to breastfeed due to medical complications, baby won't latch, you've made yourself miserable and feel like a failure and the last option is to bottle feed then choosing it from the offset is wrong...

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