Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

“ Your baby gains weight steadily after the first 2 weeks – it's normal for babies to lose some of their birth weight in the first 2 weeks“

From the NHS website.....

'tbh maybe they do need formula if they are losing weight though'

Not in my experience.

@BertrandRussell - what are you talking about? Many women (like me) can’t breastfeed. We want to stop being made to feel guilty and plied with rubbish information.

I have absolutely no objection to “support” but it should be support that women are asking for not pressure that they “can breastfeed really Just like the women in Finland if only they tried harder”.

I think the issue here is that women who find it easy to breastfeed perhaps struggle to understand others perspective. So it’s all a conspiracy or they’re just not trying hard enough, etc.

I think we need to understand that different women have different experiences and different bodies. Also our bodies our choice an no pressure at all is appropriate.

I wouldn’t judge you and I’m absolutely determined to breast feed me DD too. I’m very pro breast feeding.. but I never think twice about why or how someone else should feed their child.

I just know I’m going to struggle because my boobs are the size of two soft boiled watermelons.

Feed as you please, happy mama happy baba.

@GPatz - are you a paediatric dr? What is your experience?

Oh just stop misquoting. Stop presuming to know other’s experience. And stop ignoring the women who want to bf but are let down by society and by professionals. It’s not a good look.

But then why did the paediatrician tell my friend to give her baby formula? If that’s normal and nothing to be worried about? Did he need to just google it?

My experience is that my child lost weight after birth and didn't require any formula to re gain the weight.

@BertrandRussell - you’re being very rude. I’m telling you my and many others experiences. They may not be yours but they are ours.

Who is “ignoring the women who want to breastfeed but are let down by society?” I just said I’m happy for women to get as much support as they need AS LONG AS ITS ACTUAL SUPPORT THAT THEY WANT AND NOT PRESSURE. it’s just above if you want to reread.

Ah GPatz - so your own experience. Which is fine but if my dd told me to give my baby formula (as they did with my friend as we were discussing above) I wouldn’t let your experience persuade me otherwise.

But then why did the paediatrician tell my friend to give her baby formula? If that’s normal and nothing to be worried about? Did he need to just google it?

Because IME doctors are not breastfeeding experts and often give out of date advice pertaining thereto.

Dr that should be not dd. I wouldn’t listen to my dd on baby feeding!

The normalisation of FF has spread to HCPs as well as families.

I don't judge, but feel that often women who stop breast feeding haven't been given the right advice or support. I think it's more often an issue of a lack of support and education than women not wanting the best for their child. Mums physical and mental health come first. I do however think breast feeding is best for your child, but not to the detriment of the mother's health.

zsazsajuju - which is entirely your own choice, as is mine not to be pursued by yours.

zsazsajuju but unless they are an infant feeding specialist (which very few pediatricians are) then giving formula is just the fastest, cheapest solution for them. It's not necessarily the best solution or the one which is best long term for child or mother. So yes, I'm very sceptical of dr's who just advise to give formula and question their experience with infant feeding difficulties.

It is interesting this idea of "pressure"

Giving women the information that it would be best for their baby if they breastfed and that breast milk is better than formula - is that "pressure?"

Does something that triggers a feeling of guilt because the evidence suggests that breast is best but the person just doesn't want to bf equal "pressure?"

Persuaded.

Incidentally, my pediatrician recommended I carried on BF regardless of weight loss.

Maybe this is why experience should be taken with a pinch of salt. It's all relevant to the individual situation.

I don't judge when I see women feeding babies bottles.

It could be formula or expressed milk in there and bf can be hard with many challenges. The benefits are sometimes outweighed by the benefit of a mother not going through the stress.

I do judge when women say things like 'I just don't fancy it' or 'I think it's gross' etc.

@hullygully Telling women breast is best, that it is easier than ff, and that it hurts they are doing it wrong, is pressure.

@Hullygully great point. I’ve often thought there should be public health adverts promoting breastfeeding (to counterbalance the manipulative formula adverts), and I know the govt wouldn’t do it because it would be seen as ‘pressure’ - but since when should we be emotive about what is essentially objective and evidence based information?!

Babies are born with fat reserves to tide them over until mum's milk properly comes in. Birth weights can also be a bit inflated if the mother has had a lot of IV fluids, such as for a surgical delivery. Weight loss in the first few days is entirely normal - babies are literally designed to allow for this

hullygullyTelling women breast is best
^^ this isn't pressure (imo)
that it is easier than ff, and that (if) it hurts they are doing it wrong, is pressure.
^^ this is pressure (imo)....and utterly unhelpful (imo)

Does something that triggers a feeling of guilt because the evidence suggests that breast is best but the person just doesn't want to bf equal "pressure?"

It's not only people who don't want to breastfeed that are told that, it is also people who can't produce enough milk or whose mental health is on the absolute floor through the stress of it.

And yes, if an adult says they don't want to do it and that isn't respected then that is basically the meaning of pressure.

Celebelly. Yes, this is almost exactly what my pediatrician said.