Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

I think formula companies pulled a fast one on all of us
I suspect they are still. I mean viral marketing must be a god send to them. I’ve seen several ‘mummy bloggers’ working with aptamil etc so I wound put it past them to love hanging out on MN. I always find it suspicious how several breastfeeding threads will always crop up at the same time too.

Fair enough. Your particularly NCT lady was talking bollocks. Some people talk bullocks. The number of women on Mumsnet who have been told in hospital that they need to supplement with formula if their babies aren’t latching on in the first few hours-that’s bollocks too. Which I why I am saying that women need to be in a position to make fully informed decisions. And they aren’t.

Ds was born by emcs, I was in high dependency for 48 hours with HELLP, had to have 3 blood transfusions & was drugged up to the eyeballs to get my BP down & for the pain resulting from being in induced labour for nearly 3 days & the emcs. The nurses constantly put pressure on me to BF, I was only semi conscious but they were constantly trying to clamp ds on my boob, I even woke up to a nurse groping in my nightlife to get my boob out. I was too poorly to either give or refuse consent. As soon as I emerged from my drugged haze I found my voice & demanded a bottle, it took nearly 4 hours of arguing to get them to allow me to FF & I was then virtually kicked out of high dependency & dumped in a single room, I received little or no care from that moment. FF mums should not be treated like outcasts, nor should any mother have her choice of feeding method questioned as long as it is safe, which formula is.

And putting your silly dogma before people is exactly the problem here. Her baby was starving- well she should be breastfeeding. Formula milk won’t help her, she should just breastfeed - even if she says she can’t. Nooo, breastfed or the baby dies, no good giving her alternative food cos that doesn’t fit with your agenda.

If your really not enjoying it then don't do it. My last one completely refused to move on to a bottle or formula and went on 36 hour hunger strike to prove the point. I hated it in the end... but she was 2 by then. Before that I loved it as it was free, easy, and I had no problem doing it wherever it needed to be done as baby needs fed, baby gets fed.

I had the opposite experience, family of formula feeders telling me baby was small, formula best, told when baby was 1 week old I should pump and give a bottle to get a "break".

I also read the crib sheet. Those who got "there is virtually no difference" are massively simplifying her book. Some breastfeeding studies have been shown to improve IQ in later life are mostly bollocks.

However, breastfeeding does massively decrease the risk of several cancers to me. Breast cancer especially. And that to me is priceless because - children.

I was recently demoted from bridesmaid at my sisters wedding and told not to b feed in front of any guests. The min she realised I would have a 6 month old at her wedding.

So people judge you no matter what but don't give a F.

I think also the whole family often need to be educated on BF and normal behaviour of a BF baby. A lot of this behaviour is seen as a problem that formula will fix.

Rather than the preachy breast is best I'd love to see a myth busting campaign like that one they did with flu, things like that milk doesn't come in straight away, that it's normal to feed more than once every 4 hours and it's not just about food.

Yeah that’s right @Solihooley - women who can’t breastfeed are lying and/or are secret agents for evil “formula companies”. It’s all a conspiracy.

In no way is formula just a food product for babies produced by companies who make a whole load of other stuff.

@lauriemarlow My experience too. I am still bitter about that film that showed a newborn baby moving up to its mothers nipple and naturally latching on.

I suspect some women stop breastfeeding because they are not getting the help they need to resolve issues such as a poor latch. But I suspect others give up because they are fed an unrealistic idea of breastfeeding for many mothers and so assume they are doing it wrong.

I was told by a number of people that after a month of BF, it would not hurt if I was doing it right. But was also told the latch was good.

In terms of reducing breast cancer, anything that stops your periods does this.

“
Yeah that’s right @Solihooley - women who can’t breastfeed are lying and/or are secret agents for evil “formula companies”. It’s all a conspiracy.“
You really aren’t interested in any sort of discussion, are you?

Incidentally- is the “breast is best” campaign still going on?

women who can’t breastfeed are lying

Probably not. But "women who are told they can’t breastfeed are quite probably being misinformed and/or lied to" would be a pretty accurate statement I think as BertrandRussell has been saying

Of course formula companies want mothers to buy their products and want them to think their products are great. In places without access to clean water and ability to sterilise, then finding a wet nurse is a much safer option for the baby.

I had to do dual feeding and got judged for doing both. I actual found formula feeding part harder and less convenient

@betrandrussel - my comment about women in Finland all being able to breastfeed was sarcasm. All women in Finland can’t breastfeed any more than anywhere else. It’s just more crap put out by the breastfeeding mafia.

As for the nasty comment about information @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland - the HV told me she couldn’t answer my questions or give me any information at all on bottle feeding. Actually it’s not as simple as all that and lots are doing it wrong. In any event it’s utter nonsense that HV are refusing to answer questions on baby feeding.

I think what me (and so many other women on MN and rl) are so angry about is the pressure, the judgement and the disinformation. It would not have helped if my whole family had been subjected to it! It would have helped if we recognised that breastfeeding is a choice, it doesn’t work for everyone and for many there is a huge cost in terms of time and mental health.

I don’t judge people for their feeding choices - formula feeding is a valid choice! It’s keeps your baby alive which is the ultimate goal really isn’t it?!!
Personally, formula would never be my first choice. All three of my DCs have began their lives being breastfed.
DC1 had a hideous tongue tie which wasn’t diagnosed until toddlerhood. She literally ripped my nipples to shreds to the point where she was vomiting my blood after feeds for the first week of her life, and I had absolutely no issues turning to formula at that point. She was being fed. I wasn’t in pain. Win win.
DC2, again started out being breastfed. He latched like a dream and fed wonderfully...then the screaming started. We found out a few weeks later after an extremely dramatic and traumatic turn of events, that he actually has an anaphylactic cows milk allergy, and my first attempt at giving him formula actually almost killed him I made the decision to use specialist prescription formula from that point onwards, as I didn’t want to run the risk of accidentally eating something containing dairy and making him poorly again if I continued breastfeeding.
Currently breastfeeding DC3, with no problems so far. I find it logistically easier - I can leave the house with nothing but my nappy changing stuff and a muslin. I don’t have to get out of bed at night to go and make bottles etc. I don’t have to spend extra time washing/sterilising bottles - I don’t pump either so no pump parts to wash.
At the end of the day, you just do what works for you and your kids and sod anyone’s judgement If their nipples aren't involved then their opinion on the matter is irrelevant.

I think NCT can be a bit best case scenario about BF. My DD was ill when she was born and couldn't suckle for the first day or so. There was none of that reflex, she was all limp and floppy.

It also turned out I had multiple factors that can delay milk coming in and temporarily reduce supply. I wish the doctors had told me that this could happen because I didn't realise it was temporary and could have given up thinking it was an inherent problem with my milk.

@DappledThings - who, but who is telling anyone they can’t breastfeed? Who?

Women are saying themselves that they can’t breastfeed. I can’t breastfeed at least not sufficiently. You don’t want to listen but is it really for you To ignore me and all the other women? My body my choice.

Gosh @jennymanara - finding a wet nurse eh? That’s best for women in developing countries eh? How nice of you to let them know.

There are very few places in the world where water cannot be boiled. It’s often likely that formula feeding will be more practical than a wet nurse if there is no tradition of that locally as there wasn’t where I was.

Actually I would like to see cheaper formula- I think it’s a bit of a cartel at least in part because of all the hysteria about it. It’s just modified cows milk with some vitamins added. No need for it to be a tenner a tub.

I think the point is more because few people tell women the truth about breastfeeding problems, that when women encounter them, they think that means their milk has not come in. Those issues may have been resolvable.

In many parts of the world a household won't have electricity or a gas hob and will have to walk distances to fetch water for household use. We take a lot for granted.

@zsazsa Wet nursing used to be very common. And boiling water often takes wood that is costly to buy, plus formula that is expensive. That is why women end up watering down formula.

Where women can sterilise and prepare clean bottles and can afford formula then formula is fine. But that is not the case everywhere in the world.

“ who, but who is telling anyone they can’t breastfeed? Who?

Women are saying themselves that they can’t breastfeed. I can’t breastfeed at least not sufficiently. You don’t want to listen but is it really for you To ignore me and all the other women? My body my choice.”

Well, on this thread there is R least one case of someone being told that if they weren’t bf in the first 12 hours they would have to give formula....

And you seem to be completely ignoring the point that there are women who desperately want to bf and don’t manage it who might well have been able to if they had the support they needed. Why are you completely disregarding these women?

who, but who is telling anyone they can’t breastfeed? Who?

The midwife told me I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed due to my shape. She told me I had to give the baby formula (less than 15 hours post birth).

I discharged us, went on to EBF for 6.5 months and feed in total for 3 years and 9 months.

That’s a medical professional giving incorrect information.

Yes support would help more women breastfeed. But also in some cases bf is always going to be a very difficult experience.

There needs to be proper information given to pregnant women about bf.