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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

999 replies

HarryHarry · 14/10/2019 02:45

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 17:08

I’m not pro breastfeeding. I’m pro choice. Proper, informed choice made from a position of strength. I want no woman ever to want to breastfeed but have to stop because of lack of information or societal or professional help.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/10/2019 17:10

DD was 6 weeks prem & was in nicu. I hand expressed for about 3 days, the volumes started increasing on day 3 at which point I started pumping & got up a good supply. It was not fun but I was lucky to have the right information and excellent support (both family and professional). I switched to bf when DD managed to feed using shields 2 weeks in. It's a good example of where I am certain without support my milk may never have come in & I could have thought I "couldn't" breastfeed.

More support is desperately needed.

Babypug · 14/10/2019 17:12

We made the decision to feed both of our babies bottle when we found out I was pregnant with the first and no change for the second.
It's a choice my husband and I made, we were happy and stuck by our choices and didn't get persuaded/ guilt tripped at any NCT classes, midwife appointments, or on the recovery ward after both c-sections.
It's so weird how they're both so happy and healthy after being given formula (shock!) and how my husband and I are a strong team when it comes to feeds etc.

zsazsajuju · 14/10/2019 17:14

Also interestingly I did some translation in a developing country for health care workers when I was much younger. In one case a woman couldn’t breastfeed and the dr told her she needed to stop giving her cows milk and give her formula (as the baby had terrible diahorrea and was extremely ill). We bought her a couple of cans to make up.

Later the volunteer dr (foreign but had been working there for a while) told me that it was relatively common that if women couldn’t breastfeed they would give their babies boiled cows milk which often made them very sick rather than formula as it was expensive. Breastfeeding was very much the norm and it was common to see local women doing it in public.

So it must only be all women in Finland who can breastfeed as it seems women in other countries can’t necessarily.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/10/2019 17:14

zsazsajuju what info did you need to formula feed successfully is your literacy poor? As i was told in an antenatal class, the reason little information is provided is because functional literacy in the UK is very high and how you do it is you follow the instructions on the tin.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 17:15

“ So it must only be all women in Finland who can breastfeed as it seems women in other countries can’t necessarily.”

But not all women in Finland can either......

SnuggyBuggy · 14/10/2019 17:17

Choosing what to do with your body should be an informed choice. Stopping breastfeeding because you wrongly believe baby isn't getting enough milk because your MIL or whoever says they are feeding too much for example is not an informed choice

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/10/2019 17:17

zsazsajuju

no one is saying all women can. We are saying the vast majority (eg 90% or so) if women physically could with adequate support. This is at odds with the much higher proportion of UK women who state in surveys their reasons for stopping bf as related to not being able to (low supply etc).

Solihooley · 14/10/2019 17:18

Well formula companies are pretty much up there with the most unethical of all. So I object to women and HCPs receiving ‘information’ and training from them. I do agree the NHS should be giving more impartial advice about safe formula feeding and how to do paced feeding. What we have now is a bizarre system where we know most women will end up ff, yet hcps barely give info on it, yet at least half NHS trusts break WHO guidelines and receive sponsored training days from formula companies, which must influence some staff when they inevitably give women advice on formula ‘off the record’ as it were. It’s all very sneaky and the NHS has allowed it happen. A good hospital should be willing to support women with however they want to feed. My local is ‘baby friendly’ but they are more than happy to support formula feeding too. It should be drummed into anyone who wants to ff not to waste their money on expensive brands for a start. I know people who spend £40 per month on formula! It’s outrageous.

BravoStrong · 14/10/2019 17:18

@Babypug why was it a joint decision? Because you didn’t want to breastfeed?

I’m interested to know, his body is never going to be involved so I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

zsazsajuju · 14/10/2019 17:19

@BertrandRussell - do you really think there is anyone who needs more information about breastfeeding in the uk?

In any event, according to the NCT breastfeeding lady everyone can do it and it’s natural and we can all do it anyway so what’s all the information we need?

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 17:19

“ It's so weird how they're both so happy and healthy after being given formula (shock!)”

Not wierd at all. It’s statements like this that make a sensible conversation on this subject very difficult.
You make a well informed decision which you were and are happy with . Good. That’s how it should be. Lots of other women aren’t in that position.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 17:21

“@BertrandRussell - do you really think there is anyone who needs more information about breastfeeding in the uk?”

Well, plenty of people on this thread obviously do. And it’s not just information, it’s information and support.

And if an “NCT lady” said that to you she was going rogue.

zsazsajuju · 14/10/2019 17:23

Perhaps accurate information though would help. I was told all manner of crap about breastfeeding by the NHS and NCT. Maybe if we were more honest about it and listened to women, that would help.

Solihooley · 14/10/2019 17:23

In one case a woman couldn’t breastfeed and the dr told her she needed to stop giving her cows milk and give her formula (as the baby had terrible diahorrea and was extremely ill). We bought her a couple of cans to make up

Sorry but I’m always suspicious of doctors in developing countries handing out formula, anyone watched the film Tigers? The truth is if she couldn’t breastfeed, giving her formula without the ability to use clean water/sanitise bottles her baby will be just as likely to be very sick. The only real solution here to give that baby a fighting chance is for someone else to nurse her baby. Did she not have other children? how did she feed them?

redchocolatebutton · 14/10/2019 17:24

I think formula companies pulled a fast one on all of us. all the picture perfect adverts and samples (not very long ago) etc.

bf absolutely should be more common and shouldn't feel like a burden to mothers.

zsazsajuju · 14/10/2019 17:25

@betrandrussell - was she? The NHS were no better. Well the midwives anyway, the drs don’t bother with all the nonsense.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/10/2019 17:26

There are always people on mnet who say they've been given mad/extreme info on bf from nct, this wasn't my experience. Ours was pretty sensible about it really. Either way, the support that really helped me with both kids was the practical support post natalky - helpful community midwife, supportive mum, MIL, sisters sharing experience, husband on board, and a local HV run bf clinic.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 17:28

“I was told all manner of crap about breastfeeding by the NHS and NCT.”

Really? I thought you said the NCT lady said you didn’t need any information.....

zsazsajuju · 14/10/2019 17:31

@Solihooley - that’s atrocious. You would actually prefer the woman’s baby died that had formula? You are that indoctrinated? The volunteer dr was unpaid and bought the formula with their own money. She did have the ability to boil water and she couldn’t breastfeed so her baby would have starved otherwise or continued to struggle with cows milk that she couldn’t digest.

How ghastly.

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 17:32

There are always people on mnet who say they've been given mad/extreme info on bf from nct, this wasn't my experience.

That doesn't mean it isn't true.

I am very pro bfing and I'm still bitter about my NCT class, wherein we were all blithely assured that it doesn't hurt if you're doing it right.

We'll never get anywhere without realistic expectations of what bfing requires.

Solihooley · 14/10/2019 17:36

Um that’s not what I said. If you could ensure the woman had access to clean water/was able to sterilise AND could afford to buy formula (as they charge even more for it in the developing world, people often end up making it mostly water) then that would have been a great solution. You said yourself she couldn’t afford it so what good does a doctor handing it out do? Unless there is a constant free supply it sounds like marketing to me. Unless all the above criteria are met her baby will still likely end up poorly.

zsazsajuju · 14/10/2019 17:36

@betrand - didn’t stop her telling us how breastfeeding prevents autism, obesity, eczema and so on. She had a 3 hour session to fill with her nonsense.

MrMumble · 14/10/2019 17:41

We'll never get anywhere without realistic expectations of what bfing requires.

I do agree with this, although just having an expectation of how hard it can be isn't enough sometimes. I knew that babies fed in the night but just knowing and expecting that didn't make my need for sleep any less. I think one of the main barriers to breastfeeding is the way that we live now. It's just me and DH, no family near, no network of friends. Breastfeeding would have been so much easier if I had been able to share some of the burden in the daytime, someone to hold or play with my baby whilst I had a chance to rest. As it was it was just me bf all night and then me, on my own all day. No wonder women want to share some of that care with their partners, now that we don't tend to live in the same way, with family and within communities.

zsazsajuju · 14/10/2019 17:41

@Solihooley - the dr was there to see the baby. Because it was extremely ill. Because the mother had been giving it cows milk as she couldn’t breastfeed.

The good giving formula did is that it stopped the baby starving. I didn’t say she couldn’t afford it, anyway, I said she didn’t want to buy it as it was much more expensive than cows milk (and she didn’t understand the need for it). I don’t know if she could afford it or not - it would have been expensive for her, yes, but cows milk makes babies ill. So not much choice really.

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