Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

@IrishMamaMia, I said some, not all

@MustardScreams I don't think my perfectly healthy chunk of a baby is really complaining about his lack of colostrum or breast milk so I don't see that you should be getting your knickers in a twist about it.

He's been formula fed since day one because I quite frankly didn't want to do it even though I researched the benefits however after a difficult pregnancy I just was not willing to give it ago and for us it was the best decision as it meant I got a four hour break from him to get some sleep the day after I gave birth while my husband got time to bond with him alone without the worry of feeding time.

I don't give a shit about how anyone feeds their baby as long as they're fed, that should be everyone else's thoughts on the matter too because it's a personal decision and looking after a baby is difficult enough without being judged for how you take care of them.

I dont judge women who don't breastfeed. It's none of my business. There could be loads of reasons. When I had my ds in 2017, I really struggled, flat nipples - so I expressed. And my life revolved around it. It negatively affected my mental health. I did it until he was 13 weeks old. When my dd was born nearly 5 months ago, she latched straightaway, even though I obv have the same nipples lol but I had such a long labour (56 hours) and was in a lot of pain. I decided I would formula feed and wouldn't feel bad about it. But my milk came in day 3 and I was so uncomfortable so I expressed and then I ended up combi feeding again. Still doing it, which I'm surprised at, but not putting pressure on myself like I did last time. Plus my supply is much better this time. I dont know why anyone would think it is acceptable to lecture anyone on how they feed their baby. Do what makes you and your baby happy. That's all that really matters.

No, I don't.
a healthy and happy mother is key to a baby's development. Sounds like breastfeeding may lead to you not being happy or healthy...

Your tits. Your choice. Do what's best for you and your family.

(haven't read the whole thread btw...)

How awful that you have been made to feel like this op. It’s crazy that people think they have a right to an opinion over your body! A fed baby is a happy baby which is a happy mum.

Can you imagine if you said to someone I’m going to put myself through hell doing something I really do like and causing me physical pain as well as mental pain every two hours because ‘other people thing I should’ they would look at you like you have two heads!!

Hope it gets better for you op (firmly with formula!)

@ChilledBee
Sorry you posted the below while I was posting (website crashed so I wrote it twice!)

Infants are more likely to be breastfed at least once in low and middle-income countries
Bhutan (99 percent), Madagascar (99 percent) and Peru (99 percent) have the highest nursing rates, Ireland (55 percent), the US (74 percent) and Spain (77 percent) have some of the lowest rates

Yes, so you see they are measuring babies breastfeeding, not mothers.
Also, between 1st world and developing countries is a huge difference in infant mortality. The #1 cause of infant mortality is not being breastfed in a developing country due to lack of access to clean drinking water. So in the 1st world a major reason why BF rates are lower is because those babies that would have died in a developing country are thriving on safely made formula. So you WANT lower BF rates than what a developing country has because that represents 2-12% more mothers feeding their own babies and some % babies surviving onnformula who would otherwise have died. The question is how low is too low? Obviously 0% is very bad. But where should it be if all the right support were there? I do not know. If I had to do a wild ass guess I’d guess that 75-80% is the sweet spot for a 1st world country.

No I don’t judge how a mother feeds her baby. I think a woman should have autonomy over her body and that includes breastfeeding.

“ a healthy and happy mother is key to a baby's development. ”
Agreed. But part of being a healthy happy mother is having been able to make a properly informed decision about how she feeds that baby. Not one driven by misinformation, exhaustion, last of support and unnecessary panic.

@BeardyButton
What about extended bf? From what ive seen, studies seem to differ in terms of what they take to be duration of 'extended'. Any good meta analysis of effects of extended bf you d recommend?

Ok, im not a medical doctor or healthcare professional so this is just a fellow mom’s opinion here. In 1st world, BF is good but its physiological benefits diminish the older the baby gets. I tend to agree with the current WHO guidelines of 6mos exclusively breastfed and then continue to 1st birthday as giving the most benefit...although I would make the milestone the MMR vaccination date because you want that passive immunity.
Beyond that point, BFing imho is more of a psychological benefit than physiological. The baby (and many moms) can be comforted or calmed down by BFing as it’s an extended intimate hug in a way. Cuddling is just as good, but it’s another tool in your parent tool box as a way to comfort or settle a baby down for a nap.

If you were in a developing country, you’d want to BF as long as possible for both avoiding contaminated water/food and passive immunity benefits.

Jennymanara
@noidontwatchloveisland IME it is those pushing bf who give an unrealistic idea of the realities of bf.

I agree with this actually. It is hard. Both mum and baby need to learn how to do it, and that is not acknowledged enough, so people give up early on.

Some people need to get a life- paaaathetic

I was made to feel shitty by a midwife at the hospital before we were even discharged because I couldn’t get DD to latch, even with her help, and in essence was told I wasn’t trying hard enough to be a good mother despite the fact I expressed her milk. Apparently feeding breast milk from a bottle still wasn’t good enough.

Someone somewhere will always have a batshit opinion about what you’re doing.

I wouldn’t judge an individual mother for ff but I do judge a society that has put the lining of rich men’s pockets above the health of children.
IMO it is the capitalist patriarchy that places value on money over anything else that has got us to this point.

No I don't. And I don't tell people that I breastfeed because then I'm forced to listen to the reasons why someone didn't breastfeed because they are insecure that I am judging them. Then they tell me I'm lucky to be able to breastfeed. I then just have to smile and agree even though it wasn't luck, it took a bloody long, painful time to time to establish (t). It easier to smile and nod at my good fortune.

No judgement but if I’m honest I don’t understand why some people don’t even try in the beginning when it’s unquestionably the best thing for your baby (obviously I don’t include those who ultimately find they can’t breastfeed and those who have traumatic births etc.)

I don't judge. I tried with my baby boy for weeks, he had tongue tie and wouldn't latch properly. I hated it so much and it really damaged me mentally so I stopped. Best decision I ever made and I bonded with my son better than when I breastfed him. It's no one else's business how you feed your child, formula is not poison. My son is 20 months now and if you put him in a line with breastfed babies you'd not tell the difference. If I have another I won't breastfeed that baby either.

I agree with several posters saying that support is lacking and many moms end up doubting themselves when it comes to BF. Also, unsolicited advice can feel judgemental even if the person is genuinely trying to help you navigate BF or have the right info to try again for next baby.
I know I doubted everything BF with my first. I had nothing before birth and was seriously wondering if my boobs did not work because I read tons of stuff about your boobs leaking in late pregnancy. After birth, it took 3 days for my milk to come in and if La Leche League had not been there or I had not known about them, I would have given up then. I didn’t know that colostrum could last that long & still be normal. That the first days babies are pooping that meconium stuff and so really only need the vitamin water of colostrum to be ok anyway. Then the 2wk visit and the lecture on lost birth weight and interrogation of how often you nursing? How Long? Do you hear the baby actually swallowing? I was demoralized after that...I’d gone in all proud that I did actually kept a tiny human being alive and happy for two whole weeks and left feeling like I’d been starving my baby. I had overcome a bad latch with cracked and bleeding nipples, a painful letdown reflex that felt like hundreds of fire ants biting my chest and the uterine cramps that felt like 9mos of period pains concentrated in one second.

It’s harder than it should be. More support is needed but without the judgey overtones. I did end up sticking with it.

I was a 60s premature baby - for some reason I was bottle fed carnation milk - 1 part to 4 parts boiled water.

I turned out ok.

No.

The only time I care about how a baby is being fed is if it’s upsetting the mother.

It’s ok to say that your mental health matters, you’re not just a mother who exists to feed a child.

No judgement here. It’s hard enough as it is and you feel perennially guilty about something or other without some other mum piling it on. Other mums can do what they want as far as I’m concerned.

I was never going to breastfeed but my baby was born 6 weeks early so I expressed while he was in special care for 6 weeks. He was tube fed and the nurses had to top him up with formula anyway. When he came home I just carried on with formula.

Why anyone cares how other people feed their babies I have no idea.

I do think we have to bang on about it though because it’s actually quite a tough thing to do.
It hurts, you have to get over the whole breasts are sexual thing.

It’s very important that breastfeeders have the “ moral high ground” because quite frankly there is little else.

@rainbowcakes That was pretty much exactly the same as happened to me when my boy was prem and very poorly, except all of the medical staff where I was were exceptionally supportive and very much of the ‘so long as he’s fed’ opinion. I did express as much as I could but I was similar to you so they topped him with formula. The nurses on NICU made me feed great about the fact he was at least getting something and congratulated me whenever I brought a tiny tube of milk through for him. They were also very supportive when he went home formula feeding once we finally got his tube removed.

I’m sorry you didn’t get similar support. It’s bloody hideous and mentally exhausting being in special care without being made to feel bad about breast milk.

It’s very important that breastfeeders have the “ moral high ground” because quite frankly there is little else.

Not sure what you mean? They get to feed their baby the way that suits them. Where it works there are plenty of benefits for the feeding mum.

No judgement but if I’m honest I don’t understand why some people don’t even try in the beginning when it’s unquestionably the best thing for your baby
You are implying that the mum might not be sure about what she wanted to do and therefore should have tried. Fair enough, but for many, they know for a fact that they don't want to, for various reasons, so what would be the point of trying when they already have that conviction?

We are also back to this wrong assumption that breast milk is better for each individual child, and the wrong assumption therefore that each child not getting breast milk will forcibly not get as good nutrition as the baby next door who is bottlefed when once again, the benefits of bf is on a population basis, NOT on an individual basis.

What’s so interesting about the pro breastfeeding lobby is that they know best about our bodies. Think your baby is hungry and isn’t getting enough- noooo you’re wrong, if you’re breastfeeding your baby is magically receiving enough nutrition despite them losing weight and screaming for food.

Think you can’t successfully breastfeed after week after exhausting week of trying - nooo, you’re not trying hard enough cos all the women in Finland can breastfeed don’t you know.

Think the pressure on women to breastfeed and the attitude of the NHS to formula feeding (eg in my case refusing to give information on how to do it successfully, in my friends case a HV told her not to take her baby to the dr as they would tell her to give her formula because she had lost so much weight) is utterly ridiculous then you are somehow in the pay of faceless evil “formula companies”.

This whole “debate” is really anti feminist. We can choose what to do with our bodies and people need to stop all the judging.