Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

hullygully
An interesting thing this thread has highlighted is the cultural switch from formula as a substitute when breast milk is not an option for whatever reason, to the idea that it is a simple binary choice with each having equal weight - depending on the mother's preference.

How the formula manufacturers must be hugging themselves with glee.

This.

Wow 600+ posts.
I'm not reading them all.
Simply no, I do not judge anyone for how they feed their baby.
I combi fed my first but it was mainly bottle and breast just at night, my second is exclusively bf and still feeds a lot at 12 months old... I feel judged when I breastfeed her in public.
Any which way it feels like someone is always judging.
Try to ignore any negativity and just do what's best for you and your baby.

I find it hard to understand why in some developing countries with no formula, BF is near to 100% but in Weetern humans, so many "can't breastfeed"..

No not at all. Because I am not a massive thundercunt. Anyone who judges a woman for how they feed their baby is.

Breastfeeding my oldest son is one of my regrets.

I believed the bullshit the NCT said about breastfeeding. I expected it to be easy. Someone warned me it could hurt and when I asked about this, I was told it could hurt a bit in the first few weeks.

In reality although I was told the latch was good, it hurt, and although it got a bit better, it always hurt. My main memory of breastfeeding was constant cluster feeding, which I was again told was normal. I smiled wryly at the woman who said bf lets you go out easier than ff. Fine if it was her experience, but mine was it was very hard to go out due to cluster feeding that went on for hours.

I also smile wryly at any comments that BF helps bonding. It did the opposite for me. I found it hard to bond when just feeding him caused pain and meant not being able to do anything else for hours at a time.

I decided not to bf at all the second time around. So all those saying they judge mothers who do not even try, would have judged me.

I think those who say they do judge but say nothing may not realise that their judgement shows.

@bellesauvage- what wouldn’t help? Better information and support?

*SnuggyBuggy

The other thing I dont get if there really are so many women in the UK who can't breastfeed is why there isn't any research into why. I mean if any other body system didn't work you'd at least expect some relevant tests to be done.*

Because the majority (not all) people who feel that they "can't" bf, in fact could if
A) they got the right support
B) their perceptions of what is a "normal" breastfeeding pattern/experience were adjusted to fit the reality of bf, vs trying to expect a baby to conform to feeding patterns designed around formula

@chilledbee In a lot of countries without formula, relatives and friends will bf a baby when the mother can not.

An interesting thing this thread has highlighted is the cultural switch from formula as a substitute when breast milk is not an option for whatever reason, to the idea that it is a simple binary choice with each having equal weight - depending on the mother's preference

Yes, I agree. Until a few years ago I had no idea people were formula feeding as a first choice. I'd only ever known my mum's experience and then had DC1 in a south London area where everyone bfs

So many people find different things to be true. Genuinely I found bottles easier for my first, But now I find breast easier for my second. So much can change in the same person let alone between different people.
Take it easy OP, don't let anyone make you feel you aren't taking the best care you can of your baby!

if there really are so many women in the UK who can't breastfeed is why there isn't any research into why.

There are many women who cannot breastfeed. It’s not new. Before formula women would find a wet nurse which was actually very cheap and even a Street prostitute or servant could leave a baby with a wet nurse. It wasn’t just rich people who used them. If they could not find a wet nurse, they’d make homemade from scratch substitute milk usually from goats milk. Formula only became premade and sold in tins for convenience of WWII mothers who had to go work in factories all day.

Chilled

Because people are in fact wrong. We havent evolved out the body parts etc to bf in the space of 3 generations in the UK, but we've lost a lot of knowledge and cultural memory.

No

Doctorallcome

What are you calling "many"? 5%? 10?

Of the mums I know, around half claim they "can't". Some of them can.

@noidontwatchloveisland IME it is those pushing bf who give an unrealistic idea of the realities of bf.

But I also think that there is something behind the rapid increase in and complete normalisation of formula feeding in this country, and the rise in women who want to but find they can’t

FF been normal in this country since the 70s - pretty much everyone DH and I grew up with was FF.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25629934 - This artilce talks about history of not bf - it meantions condensed milk pretty sure one of my parents was given this in 1940s.

As fewer people have bf knowlegde got lost - meaning more professional support is needed but hasn't been put in mainly due to cost I think.

There's also an element of older women who ff in family wanting you to do what they did - as they understand it.

Breast is Best campaign is about population levels - fewer hospital admissions - you can't really look at one baby and say this is because they were bf.

I'm not sure if the US has higher bf rates but they do seem to be more open to pumping and mixed feeding - which was a big no when I was bf.

No I absolutely don't.
I had an EMC under general anaesthetic at 31 weeks. I tried pumping for two days in complete agony. I got nothing.
A nurse told me to stop, that my body had been through enough.
My DD was given donor milk in the NICU, and I will always be greatful to those women who donate.

I want to say ‘no ofc I would never judge a woman for such a personal choice’

BUT I did have a friend who chose not to breast feed her DD (even try it) because she ‘didn’t want saggy t**s’ and that was that! Never attempted it, never considered it, acknowledged all the benefits but her perky breasts were ‘more important’ - her words!

I did judge her in my head- I can’t say I didn’t and maybe that makes me a bad person but I couldn’t comprehend letting your baby miss out on such amazing benefits for such a vain and selfish reason! I mean she had stretch marks and wore spanks for 3+ years after the birth - what’s a bit of boob sag?

Discomfort/ independence/ MH / medical issues - any other reason I’d understand but...saggy boobs 🤔🙄

I find it hard to understand why in some developing countries with no formula, BF is near to 100% but in Weetern humans, so many "can't breastfeed

It’s very simple. In developing countries they do not have access to enough clean drinking water to make formula and to also sanitize bottles. So formula feeding in that case is a very bad idea and leaves your child at high risk of illness and death. Aid agencies refuse to hand out formula because they know it kills babies when there is no clean water or not enough. They instead make sure the mothers are better fed and hydrated so they can breastfeed. Also, as jennymanara pointed out if the mother cannot breastfeed, a friend or relative will step in as a wet nurse.
We are lucky to have formula being a safe and available choice. Women in developing countries do not (yet).

You've misunderstood my point. In those countries, you rarely get women who can't breastfeed because the baby can't latch, or has tongue tie, or they have no milk. If you look at BF research in developing countries, you'll see about 99% of women can breastfeed successfully. We are all humans so why would there be such lower incidence of women unable to BF?

Well this is the usual controversial BF thread! OP do whatever works for you.
I try not to judge other mums in general, motherhood has made me incredibly humble. I was going to have the perfect first birth, breathing my baby out and straight to the breast when nature had other plans. Myself and baby were badly injured in what I could only describe as a 'crash forceps' delivery which was a huge contributory factor in me failing to succeed in BF and turning to formula. Couldn't express more than a few drops. Formula worked out well for us in the end but I did run the full gamut of breastfeeding grief, feeling like I had failed, envy of successful BF friends and feeling judged but I found my confidence eventually. Fellow mums and medical professionals were always supportive of my formula feeding, I really didn't have any other option at the time and I didn't succumb to PND.
I'm about to have my second and hoping to try BF again as the benefits to gut health are well documented and babies are genetically predisposed to diabetes. I have learned from what went wrong last time and will be going in with a lot more knowledge but if I need to FF , that's an okay back up too.
We're in this together ladies, the mum who supported me the most when I had my first was a BF and our struggles were different but we got through them together :)

What's the point of judging the mother? It's a society that's hostile to breastfeeding and unethical formula companies that have created this problem of low breastfeeding rates.

I don't agree with "formula is just as good" , its adequate.
(And I say that as a mother who formula fed after accidentally starving her baby when breastfeeding).

1. Expressing too early is damaging, rather than beneficial to supply
2. Most (I would say all, but there are always exceptions) women have no, or very little milk until the 3rd day after the birth.
3. It is perfectly normal and safe for a healthy normal weight baby to lose weight over the first few days/week.

If these three facts were more widely known, more women would be able to bf.

@TriDreigiau I think your comment here is bang on

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

There’s no rigorously done study into exactly how many women cannot breastfeed. Estimates vary from 2% to 12%. I think that around 7 million British women are mothers, so that is still 140,000 to 840,000 mothers who cannot breastfeed. Many.

I agree with you that we should study this further and why. It could be like how mens sperm count has nose dived by 90% over the past decades. Perhaps Mother Nature is taking steps against overpopulation....(halfway joking).