Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

Surely there is no way to totally discount those socio-economic factors?

No scientific study can totally control for confounding factors. They all try to limit them by various means. For breastfeeding, the ethics means you cannot randomly select which babies are breastfed and which formula fed, so the participants self-choose and you study outcomes. You absolutely can collect information about confounding factors like socio-economic status, education level, age, parental health, dietary practices, religion etc and run various statistical analyses to account for these factors to see if the breastfeeding choice results in certain health outcomes.
It’s a very valid scientific way to study. So the ethics thing is really more of a limitation than a flaw. It’s no different from studying say flea collars in pets was done. It’s not ethical to say which pets don’t get flea collars....so you study them after the owners choose. But these studies STILL proved that certain flea collar chemicals DID cause cancer in cats and dogs.

“ we should not be ignoring the real difficulties many women have with breastfeeding cos we think we know best.”

You will notice that I have not ignored them. I believe very strongly that women who want to bf and find it difficult do not get the professional or societal support that they should. And that misinformation, such as some that has appeared on this thread is very damaging to them.

I don’t judge at all. A newborn is hard enough work without arseholes giving their opinion on how you chose to feed your baby.
I breastfed initially and hated it. I actually felt more bonded when I switched to formula as I found myself enjoying cuddling my LO and bonding, as opposed to cringing every time he latched and dreading him needing a feed.

For those who think there is no difference between breast and formula, you just need to look at farmers and zoo keepers when the newborn animals cannot get the first milk from their mother for any reason.

The problem with the WHO studies though is that they cover the whole of the world which includes the 3rd world.

Someone posted upthread that high mortality wasn’t down to breastfeeding which is correct, however it is down to lack of access to clean drinking water which is then used to make up formula, and as such the correlation between higher infant mortality and formula is reached.

There is a vast difference between feeding a baby formula in the third world where there is a lack of access to clean drinking water and the 1st world where we have access to clean drinking water as well as sterilisation facilities.Therefore, while the study might apply in the 3rd world the same evidence would not be reached here.

I would like to see a good study on the rates of PND in women who fail at BF.

Because that is what caused mine. Every friend I’ve had who failed to BF spiralled into self loathing because the message around BF is so black and white and often full of half truths.

Is BFing so important that it is worth your mental health? What has a bigger effect in a child long term- BF or a mother with serious PND?

All valid questions. Love how BF advocates tend to forget the mother in all this.

But I also think that there is something behind the rapid increase in and complete normalisation of formula feeding in this country, and the rise in women who want to but find they can’t.

And those are the only women I am talking about. Women who want to but can’t.

yy bertrand

Natural immunity must be the bullshit spouted by anti-vaxers. Vaccines save lives.

My three babies were exclusively formula fed right from birth. I didn't want to breastfeed so I didn't.

My only regret about breastfeeding was that I ever agreed to try it with DD1. It was clear to me immediately that my original decision had been the correct one, so I returned to it virtually immediately despite disapproval from one of the visiting midwives. Bollocks to that.

@DoctorAllcome

in all the BF studies I’ve read, including the twin studies, the difference between BF and FF was statistically insignificant after confounding factors were accounted for.

Seeing lots of questions and comments on immunity from breast milk and vaccines. Basically, the baby is born with passive immunity downloaded via the placenta from the mother. This passive immunity lasts up to 2 months regardless of how the baby is fed (breast or formula). HOWEVER, if the baby is breastfed, the passive immunity can last for UP TO A YEAR for certain diseases. Measles, mumps and rubella are some. The immunization schedule for MMR vaccine is around 14mos old....so breastfeeding does provide a baby better coverage during that year gap from 2mo old to old enough to vaccinate. See this NHS page on passive immunity.

www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/childrens-health/how-long-do-babies-carry-their-mothers-immunity/

I think women should have a choice and if breastfeeding isn’t possible due to medications/poor supply/previous abuse/mental health etc then so be it. I never think it’s worth a mum ruining her memories of her newborn because she spent her time so stressed about feeding.

BUT I am wildly angry at formula companies. Their manipulative language of ‘comfort’ had me in tears when my child was 5mo and still suffering with wind at night. All I could think, in my sleepless state, was that breast milk was hurting her and she needed some comforting formula to soothe her tummy . A call to La Leche League talked sense to me. The harm formula companies have done in undermining the abilities of women’s bodies and threatening babies’ lives in third world countries is despicable.

It’s because of this that we receive messages about ‘when are you stopping bf?’ ‘Shouldn’t she be having a bottle by now?’ ‘Can you not just leave her with xyz and a bottle so you can go out for an evening?’
It’s a delusion that babies need bottles. As a society we’ve been conned into thinking that bottles and formula are an essential part of babyhood.

I think it’s a bit sad for babies that are never given a chance to breastfeed from mums that are able to. It offers so much more than just nutrition. I wouldn’t judge that mum though. We’re all products of a society that’s been told it’s normal to bottle feed, just as good to bottle feed and ‘I was bottle fed and I’m fine and healthier than my cousin who was breastfed’

“ Is BFing so important that it is worth your mental health? ”
Absolutely not.

But more and better support from society and from professionals mean that women would not have to make such a bleak choice.

I couldn’t care less if mum lops out a boob or warms up a bottle as long as baby is fed
I bf 6 babies and if i could do it all again I’d give up earlier than I did but was under a lot of pressure to keep going from my family-bottle feeding to them is up there with feeding baby weed killer
It’s nothing to do with anyone else how baby is fed as long as they are

An interesting thing this thread has highlighted is the cultural switch from formula as a substitute when breast milk is not an option for whatever reason, to the idea that it is a simple binary choice with each having equal weight - depending on the mother's preference.

How the formula manufacturers must be hugging themselves with glee.

zsazsajuju

Sensitive much? I do not judge any individual mother as I do not know the circumstances in which they come to FF. I am entitled to be concerned about the wider population effects of the UK's (internationally exceptionally) low rate of BF.

"Four month olds don't overeat". BF ones don't, no. Because they can suck non nutritively. It is perfectly possible to overfeed a baby on formula, I've seen it plenty. I've seen mothers give 14oz of formula in one go, holding the bottle in the childs mouth, such that the suck reflex is triggered, and saying "see, he wants it, he's still swallowing". Very few people pace a bottle feed properly, it's like a competition to see how fast a tiny baby can sink half a pint of formula.

So the conclusion from this thread I think is that mothers are judged whatever they do and therefore to the OP: seriously, don't worry about what other people think. There has been a lot of "judgment" both ways. It seems that a lot of mums who formula-fed are very angry at what they see as a lobby of earth mothers screaming at them about what's natural; but as a mum who breastfed, I was criticised by family, "friends", and medical professionals who seemed desperate for me to formula-feed. So maybe a lot of us feel got-at and unsupported whichever way we choose to feed and we turn that negativity into defensiveness and judginess. I do think though that it is not only breastfeeders who can be guilty of that. I think an equal amount of judginess comes from formula-feeders. Perhaps we should all just try and be a bit more reasoned and a bit kinder??

The other thing I dont get if there really are so many women in the UK who can't breastfeed is why there isn't any research into why. I mean if any other body system didn't work you'd at least expect some relevant tests to be done.

But I also think that there is something behind the rapid increase in and complete normalisation of formula feeding in this country, and the rise in women who want to but find they can’t.

I'm not sure. I think that perhaps it's more to do with the fact that women these days don't feel as though our role is just to accept our lot, however painful, uncomfortable, restrictive. Maybe it's a sign that we don't just see our role as mothers but as people in our own right, with wants and needs that we don't have to deny. Surely there's no argument that bf is difficult, even when it's 'easy,' cluster feeding, regular feeds throughout the night, feeling trapped. I needed to sleep, DS fed every hour through the night for a year.
In my opinion it's the focus on exclusive bf that is the problem. I kept going because no one told me that it wasn't all or nothing. If the campaign was more like 'a bit of breast is best but it's ok to give a bottle too' then I would be more comfortable with it.

in all the BF studies I’ve read, including the twin studies, the difference between BF and FF was statistically insignificant after confounding factors were accounted for.

Was there a specific aspect you were commenting on (ie obesity, asthma, allergies, IQ, mental illness, etc). Because this reads like ALL studies ever done on breastfeeding vs formula feeding came up blank. Which is not the case...so I seem to have lost the specific thread...

@BertrandRussell

What good was that to me in the two years it took me to get over my guilt? What good to my DD who it took me six months to properly bond with.

I feel strongly that people who BF easily have no idea what it is like to carry the bullshit messages you foist on us with in your heart as you try and fail so hard to BF that your baby is hospitalised. The horrendous feeling of being told by a lactation consultant that you could try harder while nurses are telling you that your baby is failing to thrive.

Unless you’ve experience that then I think people just butt out of the conversation.

One thing we could do is stop using language like “flopping out a boob”. I’m pretty sure I’d i was a young first time pregnant woman that would put me off.....

I have to agree re other mammals. Farmers and vets know that the survival rates of infants reduce substantially once they aren't getting milk from their mother but increase if they get donor milk from the same species. That shows that BF mammals are more likely to survive/healthier than their counterparts.

The reason we don't see as drastic results in humans is because we've worked hard(er) in terms of medicine and formula production to decrease that difference.

No judgement here. Fed with any appropriate milk is great.