Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

Also first class honours from a masters?

Yes? I'm not in the UK (perhaps that's not the norm there) but where I'm from a masters is graded the same way an undergraduate degree is 1:1/2:1 etc.

As for the discipline, if I tell you it's immunology you'll probably say I'm making that up too or if I say it's sociology I'll probably be told I have a "mickey mouse" degree so I'm going to refrain from giving you more leverage to try and discredit me. I've answered the OPs question and shared my experience. We're never going to agree that's fine.

Artificial "milk" and vaccines have become the norm, replacing natural milk and natural immunity.

Ah, yes. The golden days of high child mortality...

A first in a masters? Interesting as they're not graded and banded that way, maybe your thesis was so amazing they created a new marking system for you

Also, isn’t the major flaw in all BF studies that they cannot be randomised for ethical reasons? It is therefore almost impossible to control the variables and get a fair assessment.

Not exactly. While it is considered unethical to randomly allocate subjects not to receive breast milk, well-conducted randomized controlled trials comparing long-term health outcomes help to control for many of the confounding factors and thus further clarify the association between breastfeeding and long-term health outcomes.

MrMumble
It's just a fact.

@Squirrelplay

You did an immunology thesis on breastfeeding.

What did you find? How large was your test group? And was this a chemical analysis or did you interview a test group? How did you get ethical permission for this study?

07Floofsquidge

@TinyBean "Artificial "milk" and vaccines have become the norm, replacing natural milk and natural immunity."
Wait, what?!? Are you seriously comparing FF to vaccination?

No I am not comparing them. Are you saying they haven't replaced natural milk and natural immunity?

I don’t judge because I’ve been in that boat myself- twice. Both my babies wouldn’t latch, on the first dc everyone assumed I was just a lazy sod who didn’t try hard enough (despite the crippling postnatal depression, which consumed me as a direct result of my “failing” to breastfeed)
With my second baby the midwife and ward assistant really tried to help in the limited time they had but after a few days of baby not successfully breastfeedingI gave her formula.
I wish people would tell the truth about breastfeeding- yes it is the most natural thing in the world, but for some women it is painful, difficult and not achievable. I wish there was more breastfeeding help out there instead of people pouring scorn and judgement on women like me.

@DoctorAllcome

But isn’t the main issue in most western countries that there is a distinct correlation between infant f ending method and parental income and education.

I.e.- middle class parents with a degree are more likely to at least attempt BF.

Surely there is no way to totally discount those socio-economic factors?

I judge ( as completely stupid) people who think that children didn't die from diseases before formula was invented.

I didn't breastfeed either. I hated it and had to go back to work after 6 weeks anyway.
Hasn't affected my close relationship with my son in any way.

Let's try not to be arseholes.

Impossible task for many on this thread it seems. I really hope this thread hasn't made the OP feel bad when she already said her mental health was being affected. The best advice I was given as a mum was to be confident in your decisions. BF or FF, it really doesn't matter. In a few years, you will be at a different stage in your child's life and how you fed them as a baby won't be thought about.

10Tippety

A first in a masters? Interesting as they're not graded and banded that way, maybe your thesis was so amazing they created a new marking system for you grin

Actually integrated masters degrees are graded like undergraduate degrees. Took me 4 seconds to google that.

I breastfeed my daughter but don't judge anyone who chooses or can't breastfeed. I was only going to breastfeed for a short amount of time but actually find I enjoy that time with my little girl and I'm not as anxious. I feel now that my little girl is coming up 5 months that I am judged for breastfeeding, I'm constantly being told that I'm spoiling her by breastfeeding her, that I'm making her too dependant and I should put her on formula, and keeping be asked when and isn't it time that she should have a bottle not me. Personally I'm starting to think that mums get judged what ever choice they make

The golden days of high child mortality...
Was not due to breastfeeding. Highest child mortality occurred during weaning when infants were fed foods that used water from unsanitary water sources and/or unpasteurised animal milks & dairy products. If on solids, other food contamination illnesses
Lower child mortality has everything to do with access to clean drinking water, pasteurised dairy and hygienic food production and preparation practices.

@blossom28 what I found was ridiculous was she would rather let her baby cry with hunger than just give some formula initially and try again.
In my opinion fed is best but then that's the point of this thread everyone has got one.

Sorry TinyBean, you're going to have to explain here. What's a fact? I know for a fact that vaccinations have eradicated many diseases that killed children. Breastfeeding is great and everything but it isn't going to stop a child dying of measles...

I don't, but people do. Just like they judge me for breastfeeding. Or for breastfeeding a toddler, for using a sling, for going back to work and putting the kids in full time nursery. Just like they judge my friends for being sahm.

Your a mum. People judge you regardless.

@TinyBean you stated that vaccines have become the norm, replacing natural immunity. Apologies if that wasn't entirely what you meant, but if it was, which specific vaccines are you suggesting have replaced natural immunity from breast milk? Breast fed infants still died from Measles before vaccinations were developed.

Personally I'm starting to think that mums get judged whatever choice they make

only starting to think that?

Mothers are always wrong. About everything.

They didn't have 'natural immunity'. They died.

I have two masters. One was a distinction. One was a first. This thread is exactly what i hate about bf vrs bottle. And its mainly from those advocating formula, twisting science and anecdotal evidence to validate their own life choices. And we ve also had the bf is 'icky' comment. But ya. Its definitely the 'breastapo' to blame.

Whatever is best for mother and baby is best.

I’ve breastfed both my children- my daughter latched immediately and apart from a few bouts of mastitis it was very easy. My son was tongue tied and couldn’t latch to anything but breast shields we had a terrible 8 weeks trying to get him to latch properly, more bouts of mastitis, I really wanted to give up but didn’t and now at almost a year old he is still breastfed.

It’s hardwork no one tells you how hard plus the fact they are so reliant on just you.

However it’s one of the most amazing thing in the world being able to feed your child yourself and in my case all the hard work has been worth it.

The golden days of high child mortality...
Was not due to breastfeeding.

I was talking about the vaccinations actually. Although, surely you can see that it's all linked. What do you think happened to a baby of a mother who struggled to breastfeed. Their baby might fail to thrive. They may choose to wean early, introducing contaminated food. I'm not saying breastfeeding is to blame for high child mortality, but that we should be so grateful that we have a safe alternative.

For those who think there is no difference between breast and formula, what do you think the Breast is Best campaign is about?

Is it the nanny state having a laugh?

What?