Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

please do tell us how you can tell if a child is breastfed or formula fed?

Are you honestly suggesting that’s what you understand by “breast is best”?

Not this again.

Judging women who don’t BF is just the mummy version of slut shaming i.e.- only done by people who are so insecure about themselves that they have to project their life choices into other people.

I generally avoid people who do it like the plague because they are boring, self righteous dicks.

Op do what works, whatever gets you and baby through. I have not met anyone who judges bottle feeding, but i have seen mums feeling guilty for changing to bottle feeding due to difficulties with BF. like you are. Please dont feel bad, Our best plans sometimes turn out differently and that is OK.

I think mother's who don't breastfeed miss out on the feelings that it gives me

I remember being shocked at my uterus pulling like crazy anytime I watched my (bottle) fed my DD feeding in the first weeks after birth. Don't assume that other mothers don't get the same feelings from feeding their baby

It does seem there are a great deal of topics on MN to advertise for free
YY BertrandRussel

Yes I (silently) judge those who don't try. It's not about breastfeeding being "best" and giving "benefits". It's about breastfeeding being the biological norm and formula use containing risks.

I'm not anti formula but I don't think it should be seen as an equal alternative to breast milk. I've used formula when my baby was four months old in the way it was originally intended - as a substitute when breastfeeding was impossible due to medical reasons. My DD ballooned in weight and got dry patches of skin on her face even though we made a gradual transition. Even my anti-breastfeeding mother was slightly horrified by the obvious difference. Have you ever read the list of ingredients on the side of the formula box? It's great that we have it for when it's needed but it's no substitute for human milk.

@Squirrelplay

Don’t be so pearl-clutchingly ridiculous.

I think mother's who don't breastfeed miss out on the feelings that it gives me

Well breastfeeding made me feel suicidal, every, single, let down. So I missed out on that too.

You always get a ton of people on these threads saying "ODFOD, I couldn't bf because [insert clear cut medical reason why bf impossible], nature would have let my baby die etc, you must never judge anyone who uses formula...."

formula is like antibiotics imho. Essential but overused. I would never judge anyone who genuinely can't bf for medical reasons, I would never judge anyone who takes antibiotics where needed. In both cases not "natural" but saves lives.

One person who formula feeds out of choice because they can't be bothered, one person who badgers the GP for antibiotics for a (probably viral) chest infection, neither see the bad effect on an individual basis, but on a population level it's not good for the human race.

@FenellaMaxwell
I don’t feel any guilt over my emcs. I don’t feel guilt when people post about their natural births because I did something different. I made an informed decision.

I absolutely don’t judge. For my first I did absorb all the rubbish from NCT and NHS about how everyone can do it and it’s a miracle cure for everything. I couldn’t do it though despite trying and I felt awful. I now look back aghast at all the pressure and crap advice. The breastfeeding consultant told me I maybe couldn’t breastfeed (five minutes after a class where she said pretty much everyone could- they all do in Finland allegedly) and that I could pump instead. The realities of actually pumping enough to feed a baby made me realize that it was impossible to do so. I would say the pressure on women to breastfeed makes what is a really difficult and stressful time much worse and can lead to PND. There’s just very little actual concern for women’s well being.

Women absolutely should breastfeed if they want but there should be no pressure at all to do so. Our breasts, our choice. Formula is just as good anyway.

@Squirrelplay - don’t talk nonsense. Formula is a perfectly good food for babies. Dry skin can happen at any time and was pure coincidence.

Sibling studies show no difference at all between breastfeed and formula fed infants. In fact they showed a slightly higher rate of asthma in breastfed infants. But likely just a statistical quirk.

I had varied success and failure with breastfeeding (more failure than success!) for a variety of reasons.

I believe breastfeeding is better for children, and when women try to breastfeed I think there should be much more support than there is.

I think both breastfeeding mothers and formula feeding mothers can be vilified from different quarters.....this is because, in general, mothers are often vilified whatever choices they make.

I couldn't breastfeed (no one else's business why), and i have to say i never felt judged. Even by my friend who works as a bf counsellor, she literally didn't even bat an eyelid.

My DD ballooned in weight and got dry patches of skin on her face even though we made a gradual transition. Even my anti-breastfeeding mother was slightly horrified by the obvious difference. Have you ever read the list of ingredients on the side of the formula box?
Don't be a daftie.

Also @squirrelplay perhaps your child ballooned in weight because he/she was finally getting enough food. A four month old would not normally overeat.

@MustardScreams You would have to judge me too, I formula fed all three of my babies as I was on medication which the doctor who prescribed it (Haemototogy Consultant) and the hospital pharmacy told me I couldn't breast feed while on. If course it didn't stop the midwives telling me to try anyway as "they often give that drug to post c section women" completely ignoring that I was on about 4 times the dose twice a day and the higher dose might make a difference, especially as I was on it long term and not taking it as a one off.

I kept having to explain my medical history to well meaning people who judged the fact my babies were formula fed and no one should have to go into medical history to get busybodies off their backs, no matter how well meaning they might be.

BelleSausage no pearl clutching here. My masters thesis was on breastfeeding/formula feeding. It's a subject I'm passionate about.

Call me ridiculous if you like but that's not really adding to the conversation, nor does it take away from the fact that formula is inferior to breast milk.

@noidontwatchloveisland - seems that you do judge women who don’t breastfeed, unless of course they have a reason you consider acceptable. Have you ever thought that it might be none of your business what other women do with their body?

@Squirrelplay - clearly not a very academically rigorous course then for you to come out with such nonsense.

I think mother's who don't breastfeed miss out on the feelings that it gives me

I absolutely loathed it. It made me feel sick, I dreaded them being hungry, it was traumatic, triggering and repulsive. The operative word in your sentence is "me". We're not all coming from the same place, with the same experiences. I wanted to breastfeed, I was intended to breastfeed for at least six months, ideally longer until I actually tried it and then I wanted to rip my breasts off. There was no support for any of the issues I encountered. Instead I was a "bad" mum because I couldn't hand express but I wanted dc1 breastfed whilst he was in NICU. I had to let him have a dummy if I wasn't willing to let him have formula.

I spoke to a lactaction consultant with dc2 because of her latch...skin to skin was the only answer I got. Not sure how that was meant to feed her, I had a shed load of milk...I just couldn't get it into her the way "nature intented". Nipple shields which made a huge difference to us both for the sensation side and for actually feeding her weren't mentioned until I broke down in tears at a group and then someone took me on one side and whispered it to me. I've had people try to sell me illegal drugs less sneakily. She made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone she'd told me about them even though she was the one who made it possible for me to breastfeed dd longer than I was originally thinking I could.

We need to have honest conversations about the barriers to breastfeeding (family, previous traumatic events etc) as well as the problems women might encounter on the way rather than glossing over those things. There needs to be funding for peer to peer support which is easily accessible as well. When I had dc1, there was a group in walking distance. The nearest one now is 30 minutes away by car.

Hell no. I pumped for months in NICU, when we left she still couldn’t latch and pumping while dealing with a very prem baby at home was not filling me with joy. Formula it was. Everyone was happy

Why judge when people don’t know the circumstances

zsazsajuju it could not have been a coincidence considering she was ingesting nothing else but milk at that time. I'm not making it up, as I said my mother had to even admit it at the time (believe me it pained her!) DD always had enough to eat, she was four months old at that stage and a very happy settled baby so obviously not hungry.

In the old days, in most countries, women who couldn’t or didn’t want to breastfeed would either pay someone else to or wean the child immediately on goats milk - which might explain why neonatal deaths have reduced since formula became an option. Mums should do whatever they feel is right for their baby - breastfeeding is ‘only best’ if the mum is physically and mentally healthy. In countries where severe anemia or adult rickets because of vitamin d deficiency is common doctors often recommend formula over breast.

zsazsajuju it's a very good uni and I was the only person in my class to graduate with first class honours, no "academically rigorous" enough but if it makes you feel better I was a formula fed baby so it didn't do my IQ any harm