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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

999 replies

HarryHarry · 14/10/2019 02:45

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

OP posts:
reetgood · 14/10/2019 12:43

So much judging! Before reading this thread my response to op would have been ‘I’m sure that’s not the case with most people’. But apparently that is the case with some people. I’m still feeding my 21 month old. I have nothing to say about other people’s choices in feeding their infant. Although I have immense admiration for those who struggled and made it any amount of time (and commiserations re crap support available). I’ve also had nothing but positives from strangers (including one old fella who said it was nice to see a child being breastfed, managing to not sound creepy which was an achievement!)

Still there’s folk on this thread who would be judging me. I have been one of those ‘boobs out’ breast feeders because sometimes the baby doesn’t get the memo that other people are judging my boobs Hmm . And it is normal to breastfeed. I can get into a fight with a wriggly baby or I can accept that people will see my boob.

I’m glad that the weird judging seems to exist mostly on this thread though, and I’m sorry to anyone who feels they’ve been judged in real life. Be secure in your choices, you’re likely not daft and have made the best choice you could with the resources and context you have.

JacquesHammer · 14/10/2019 12:44

I atually think it's because it's TRUE

And that you don’t understand how public health works at all.

firstimemamma · 14/10/2019 12:46

I've breastfed my baby from the start and love it but I'd never dream of judging another mum for how she feeds her baby. My niece was FF and I think that's great too.

Just do what works best for your baby. If it's of any help to know this, breastfeeding mothers are often judged harshly too so it's not as if there is any one way of feeding a baby that doesn't attract negativity. Sad but true. I've lost count of the amount of times I'm asked when I'm stopping (ds is 1 but this started from when he was 4 weeks old) and lots of other general negativity that I won't go into on here because I can see that's not the purpose of this thread.

What I'm trying to say is sadly you are judged no matter what you do so it's best to do your own thing and prepare to ignore rude people or think of some good come backs!

Congratulations on the baby Thanks

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:47

Jacques....really? How? Do educate me....not.

PortiaCastis · 14/10/2019 12:47

Little odd not to breastfeed, well its a little odd to be a keyboard virtue signalling judge and make other Mums feel awful

stairway · 14/10/2019 12:47

If it made no difference it wouldn’t be promoted by just about every health association and that’s with the massive pressure from formula companies to stop women breastfeeding.

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:48

Jacques..please do tell us how you can tell if a child is breastfed or formula fed?

Celebelly · 14/10/2019 12:49

I don't really get the 'can you spot a breastfed child while walking down the street' thing Confused There's not much you can tell from glancing at someone walking down the street, unless they are visibly disabled. Looking at some kids in a line won't tell you if one has digestive issues or one is knocked for six every time they get a cold or any number of things. It's a silly argument. And it's anecdata, which is the scourge of threads like this on MN.

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:50

Stairway....I didn't say it makes no difference. I said the benefits are hugely exagerated and makes very little difference .

FenellaMaxwell · 14/10/2019 12:51

@pooboobsleeprepeat What a bone-headed comment. You had an EMCS, according to your other posts. How would you feel if someone turned around and told you you’d failed to give birth as nature intended and lectured you on how you should have tried a bit harder in labour...? Now do you get it?

Solihooley · 14/10/2019 12:52

Um. No. You’d be judging what, 80% of other mothers you met? That would be a lot of mental energy spent being judgemental. Do what you want op.

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:53

Celebelly.....there is no evidence to show that people with dodgy tummies were more likely to have been formula fed. Or that people who take longer to get over a cold were more likely to have been formula fed. Or that people who were breastfed ended up being more intelligent.

Celebelly · 14/10/2019 12:58

Well there actually is. How reliable you think the evidence is is something else and how it should be interpreted is another thing entirely, but there's research showing breastfed babies have less issues with digestion in the first year of their life and do have a higher IQ. As well as fewer rashes and ear infections.

The IQ thing is tricky as women who breastfeed tend to have higher IQs baseline anyway, so it's difficult to quantify without trying to adjust for that.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2019 12:59

In paranoid moments I do wonder how many posters on Mumsnet are actually doing viral marketing for formula manufacturers. It sometimes seems the only explanation for the strongly pro formula bent of rhe forum.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/10/2019 13:00

I wouldn't say I judge, but I find it baffling that formula has been so normalised in the UK. The human race has breastfed babies for millennia and continues to do so around the world - to me it wasn't really a choice, it was just how human babies are fed. I understand there can be medical problems preventing this from happening successfully, and that's where formula is great invention which saves lives but to me that's different from choosing it for ease etc. I don't judge it but I don't understand it. What else are breasts for?!

I also found formula a bit icky. I'm quite foodie etc and don't like processed food, so dried skimmed milk with some blend of vegetable fats and fish oil and stuff in it doesn't sound appetisung, so I find it odd anyone would choose it if they weren't forced to (and I know a small minority of people really do have no choice).

Celebelly · 14/10/2019 13:04

The thing is that there's no point in denying breast milk is better than formula milk, purely as a substance if you separate it from everything else. It's undeniable. How much better is a subject of ongoing debate, but it is the best choice for your baby taken in isolation. Of course it's not that straightforward as other factors are involved. But if we are talking purely about what's best for babies in a nutritional sense, then it's breastmilk. That's not really in question.

So the real issue is: how do we as a society encourage and support breastfeeding so it returns to being the default way to feed your baby, as it was before the big money marketing of formula came in a few decades ago. The damage that did is still painfully obvious to this day.

hanahsaunt · 14/10/2019 13:07

I don't judge those who can't.

I do judge those who won't.

SoftSheen · 14/10/2019 13:07

I would never comment on anyone else's feeding choices, it's none of my business.

However, in my private view, mothers should have a very good reason not to, at least, attempt breastfeeding, to get the colostrum in at the very least.

elliejjtiny · 14/10/2019 13:09

Absolutely not.

I couldn't breastfeed my 4th for medical reasons. With hindsight I probably shouldn't have breastfed my 2nd either. It's great that formula exists so that babies who can't breastfeed don't starve and also so that some mums can choose how to feed their babies. Personally I preferred breastfeeding as I found bottle feeding a total faff. I was fortunate to be able to choose that for 4 of my dc.

With the odd exception I think most parents are trying to do the best for their dc. I'm sure parenting would be a lot easier if we didn't judge other people's choices.

subwaysaladfan · 14/10/2019 13:10

I have 5 child and Ff all of them it didn't even cross my mind to bf. It's just not for me I like to give my baby's to someone else to feed, visitors, dad, grandparents get the baby passed to them with a bottle and muslin..bliss!

Sagradafamiliar · 14/10/2019 13:13

They're not pro-formula Bertrand, just anti judgemental prats.

MrMumble · 14/10/2019 13:14

I just don't understand the people here who are saying that they judge those who won't bf but not those who can't. The result is the same, a FF baby so either it's ok or it isn't.
Anyway, none of us truly know why another person makes the decisions they do, that person who says that they didn't fancy bf or didn't want to ruin their figure may well have any number of reasons that aren't anyone's business. Or they may just not have fancied it... fortunately it's their decision and their body.

MumMcMumface · 14/10/2019 13:15

Do what is best for you. That person sounds batty.

Wannabegreenfingers · 14/10/2019 13:16

No, but I will judge those that judge those who don't.

It's no one else's business how you choose to feed your child.

I bottle fed my 1st, preemie and ebf my 2nd, full term. Now both strapping healthy under 10's.

CameraTime · 14/10/2019 13:17

If im being entirely honest, I do slightly judge women who just say "No, I'm not trying breastfeeding, I want to be able to drink/I don't want my boobs to go saggy/I want to be able to leave my baby with others from day 1". I wouldn't say anything, though, and I do realise that they might be saying one thing but actually they have other reasons.

But past the very early days, no. There are so many reasons why they may not breastfeed, none of which are my business.