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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

999 replies

HarryHarry · 14/10/2019 02:45

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

OP posts:
Timeywimey10 · 14/10/2019 12:21

It’s a little odd to conceive, grow a baby then not feed it as nature intended

Oh bugger off with your virtue signalling - (for those who don't like the phrase, it was born for this sort of situation). When my ds was born he wasn't a good feeder. It wasn't a choice between bottle or breast, it was "get some sort of milk down him any old how" feeding - bottle, spoon, cup, anything!

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/10/2019 12:21

imagine if I judged you, your ceasarean - because women are "meant" to be able to give birth

I was at a mother and baby group with my friend who I had met at a separate post natal group and the conversation turned to how we had all given birth.

Everyone was recounting their natural/water births with no pain relief and lots of candles

My friend said she had a caesarean and I said I had one too. (Both EMCS).

There was a collective sharp intake of breath and if they had made the sign of the cross with their fingers and started shouting at us “Unclean Unclean” it could not have been more clear we were not welcome in the group.

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:25

I knew a woman like this. According to her she wouldnt possibly get pregnant if she knew she'd have to have a caesarean. Guess what. .years later, she had another child...by caesarean. Needs must eh?

BeardyButton · 14/10/2019 12:25

Tabby - interesting!? Are all scientists and researchers wrong or jst the ones that study bf? Is climate change fake news too? Is the earth flat?

somecakefather · 14/10/2019 12:26

No, it's not ironic. It's true

Is it? Can you show me one post here where someone has said "feeding your baby artificial milk that contains milk from another species is the same as breastfeeding"

I'll wait...

upandawaytoday · 14/10/2019 12:26

I BF (still am BFing my toddler) and honestly I don’t judge parents choosing to FF. I wanted to mix feed but my baby was a bottle refuser. I’m not planning on having another but if I did, I would try to mix feeder lighten the load. I had a very high needs baby who’s now a high needs toddler!

I don’t think people in real life actually make that many judgements - I’ve only ever experienced one or two unsolicited comments about parenting. Everyone is too absorbed in their own lives!

I must admit that I do cringe slightly when I see a baby propped up in a pram or car seat feeding themselves their own bottle - that’s not a judgement on the formula (it could be expressed milk for all I know) but rather the passive parenting!

Poignet · 14/10/2019 12:30

imagine if I judged you, your ceasarean - because women are "meant" to be able to give birth

I've told this before on here, several name changes ago, but during a conversation when DS was under one, someone asked me where I gave birth, and I said the hospital name (where I had my CS, which had been referred to previously in the talk). A friend of a friend I'd never met before leaned across to me and said 'I'm going to have to correct you there. You didn't "give birth."' And sat back, delighted with herself that she'd cleared up my misapprehension.

SVRT19674 · 14/10/2019 12:31

No one else's business. I didn't breastfeed. Next.

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:31

Beardybutton....you are slightly mad aren't you. I said I believe it makes little difference. Scientists have also started to said this. And no, I'm not going to show you the research. I didn't say anything at all about the world being flat. You see, this what people are saying....people nake massive massive jumps on here to the ridiculous. So because I think the benefits of breastfeeding are exagerated, I also think the world is flat . Nice.

TimeForNewStart · 14/10/2019 12:31

I can only imagine those who spend so much energy and mental time, havent got much else going on

On the contrary, judging takes only a moment.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 14/10/2019 12:32

@Poignet Shock what a witch! Please tell me your mutual friend promptly slapped her.

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:32

Beardybutton...can you tell which children are breastfed? No. That's because it makes little to no difference.

caringiscreepy · 14/10/2019 12:33

@Poignet what an idiot she is. When this type of thing comes out of someone's mouth it just makes me think they're thick.

JacquesHammer · 14/10/2019 12:34

can you tell which children are breastfed? No. That's because it makes little to no difference

I can’t tell if you actually think this or you’re (trying) to be amusing.

Poignet · 14/10/2019 12:34

@Soon2BeMumof3, DH tore her throat out before either mutual friend or I could say anything. She left before the dessert. Grin

DelphicOracle · 14/10/2019 12:34

Dinosauratemydaffodils - Im sorry you were treated that way. Pregnancy makes youfeel vulnerable so to be told this my a health care professional is not OK.

I didnt breast feed, I couldnt bear the thought of it or the sensation when I tried - ugh! I hated it.

BF obsessives - this DOES NOT make me a bad parent. I hand made all my kids food when they were weaned, both of the toilet trained in a weekend and never had an accident. Both went into big beds no fuss both started school excited and happy, both still get in my bed for cuddles, both have started secondary no problems at all. My children never saw me drink a single alcoholic drinks until they were 10. When my daughter developed anxiety and didnt like me going out at night I didnt go out with my DH for 2 years so she didnt get scared....

As I said before - SO much more to this parenting lark than tits!

booksandcaffeine · 14/10/2019 12:35

Definitely not.

It's their baby, not mine. If they want to breast feed, that's great or if they want to bottle feed, that's great too.

What you choose for your baby is your business only.

Tylee · 14/10/2019 12:36

thenightfury

[flowers}

Learning to breastfeed is fucking hard. I wish people would be more honest about how hard it is. I watched so many wanky videos before I had DD about how babies are just born knowing how to do it. Fuck that. No, they're not. It's a skill that you and the baby have to learn. It's hard.

I think if that had been acknowledged and prepared for, I would have found my failure to do it much easier to bear.

Kanga83 · 14/10/2019 12:37

@pooboobsleeprepeat oh do fuck off. It nature had its way my child and I would have died in childbirth. Emergency c-sec, general anaesthetic delivery, ventilation for her and ICU for me saved us. Forgive me for not giving a shit that she was then formula fed after two weeks before going onto hypoallergenic formula. My second - elective c sec, standard formula before hypoallergenic formula at 2 weeks old. But hey, nature should have taken its course and let them die/suffer eh? Perhaps instead of judging other women, you should be wondering why nature left you short of a few brain cells then realise the irony of your 'educated' comment.

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:39

Jacques....I atually think it's because it's TRUE. That's what researchers are starting to admit . Can you tell which child was breastfed walking down the street?

swingofthings · 14/10/2019 12:39

It’s a little odd to conceive, grow a baby then not feed it as nature intended
Nature also intended to give birth naturally so why are we using medical interventions that are not necessary.

A fever is natural way to fight infection, why are we giving our kids calpol to lower it.

Could keep going with examples that makes your statement risible.

SVRT19674 · 14/10/2019 12:40

Actually, I just wish the sanctimonious one would just get a life. I think they need to put others down just to validate their own choices. Why do people get so hysterical about how others feed their own children, something that has no bearing on them or their children whatsoever.

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:40

"It’s a little odd to conceive, grow a baby then not feed it as nature intended".....you see, this is the sort of rubbish people are fed.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 14/10/2019 12:41

@Poignet glad to hear it.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 12:42

Beardybutton...can you tell which children are breastfed? No. That's because it makes little to no difference

Apparantly we can, look at this gem from earlier in the thread😅😂

by the age of about six you can't tell which children were breast fed and which were formula fed (unless the mother is still feeding, of course..)