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Original poster

Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

999 replies

HarryHarry · 14/10/2019 02:45

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

OP posts:
DaveMyHat · 14/10/2019 11:37

Hi op, most of the mums I knew from local baby groups formula fed their babies. I was one of two mums I knew of who breastfed. I didn't judge the mothers of ff babies, and I didn't feel judged by them either. My dp's family were not very accepting of the fact I breastfed my DD past about 6 weeks. I always found the total opposite in environments that were just for mothers and babies. I found them to be relaxing places where we got on with feeding our babies when they were hungry without questioning each others choices. I hope it's the same experience for you. Perhaps it depends where you live but in my area formula seems to be the norm.

One of my favourite memories was once at a shopping centre, I'd had to sit down to breastfeed my DD and a woman had looked at me and her face turned when she was realised what I was doing (or at least that's how it came across, perhaps I was overly paranoid after some of the comments I'd had from dp's parents). Anyway, another mum then sat next to me and began to bottle feed her baby and we smiled at each other and I stopped feeling so anxious. I definitely didn't judge her, I felt supported to have another mother sitting next to me.

lee12345 · 14/10/2019 11:37

I chose to formula feed straight away because I knew I did not want to breastfed. I felt no judgement from anyone & to be honest I really don't care what anyone though. I made the decision whilst I was pregnant & it felt right for me & my family. My son is now a very healthy 10 month old, who has completely thrived. I do not judge anyone for how they choose to feed their baby as long as the baby is healthy & happy & the mother is happy too, I think that is the main thing.

Crunchymum · 14/10/2019 11:41

I've FF one, BF one (until they were 2y 8m) and my youngest was NG tube fed (with expressed breast milk until she was 6 months then formula) so I have literally done everything when it comes to feeding.

I couldn't give a shiny shit how another person feeds their baby, just as long as they do feed them!

Poignet · 14/10/2019 11:43

One thing I've noticed is that some people are very passive about things. When I was pregnant and decided I wanted to breastfeed, I read a ton of books, researched, learned all about cluster feeding, that milk doesn't come in right away, etc. It's just nature to me to investigate something I'm planning to do, but a lot of people seem to just wait to be handed information and not have the gumption to go out and find out stuff for themselves. Hence all the posts like 'My milk wasn't in on day 2 so had to switch to formula' or 'My baby was feeding lots so I didn't have enough milk'.

The problem being you can't tell by looking at someone in a cafe whether they had no 'gumption' or research capacity, or whether, like me, they prepared, took a class, took advice from every possible person, underwent medical tests, paid for a lactation consultant, went to BF cafés, saw peer supporters, and kept using a supplemental nursing system and pumping every couple of hours to try to kick start a supply for two months -- and no more than a trickle ever came out of my breasts.

I was once quite overweight when some medication I was on made me balloon, and in fact some of the unpleasant responses to me ffing in public were not dissimilar in their premises to some nasty judgements from strangers back then -- basically, I was lazy and not trying hard enough. That without 'making the effort', it would be so easy to be like me, and thank God they weren't.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 11:46

My baby was born term and ill and frankly 8 months on I feel HORRIFIC about it all and the fact he wouldnt latch

I wont ever get over it though

Why are you being so dramatic? Your child is fine and healthy, yes? Stop beating yourself up, it's really really not a big deal.

pooboobsleeprepeat · 14/10/2019 11:46

It’s a little odd to conceive, grow a baby then not feed it as nature intended. If you had a cat that had kittens do you think it would be best for the kittens to feed if it’s mum or use a bottle with dog milk in it?
If you think that feeding your baby artificial milk that contains milk from another species is the same as breastfeeding then you are uneducated.
If you know the facts and do it anyway then crack on.

ememem84 · 14/10/2019 11:47

I breastfed ds for 6 weeks. By this point I was exhausted mentally and physically and utterly fed up. I hated bf. So switched him gradually over a couple of weeks to formula.

He’s now 2 and I don’t regret it.

Dd is 11 weeks now and I bf her for 3 days. I tried but it was excruciatingly painful, and ds was upset about me and Dd. So I made the switch. Again no regrets.

I wouldn’t judge anyone for not bf. Your body your choice

I do sometimes judge when bf mothers make a big deal of actually bf. A friend of a friend is a big showy breastfeeder. Boobs out loud look at me type. I judge that. Because it’s not necessary. She believes by doing this she’s raising awareness of bf. I believe she’s raising awareness of her being a bit of a twat

stairway · 14/10/2019 11:48

I try and avoid judging people in parenting choices in general. I don’t think there is anything wrong with defending breast feeding as a healthy choice though. We know how much damage formula companies do to babies health throughout the world and there marketing techniques are always designed to encourage mothers to formula feed.

Napqueen1234 · 14/10/2019 11:51

@pooboobsleeprepeat I think that attitude is exactly what the OP and many FF parents fear. Why wouldn’t you? It’s so easy and so obvious? When you struggle so much and already feel incredibly guilty when you can’t overbearing or reading comments like that can be really hurtful. A lot of people who don’t breastfeed it isn’t a choice.

Napqueen1234 · 14/10/2019 11:51

*over hearing!

TriDreigiau · 14/10/2019 11:52

I hated the asssumption becasue I was bf I wanted everyone else to -resulted in family trying to forbid me to talk to a pg family member who wanted to ff from the start. I had no interest in trying to change their mind.

I did once encounter a family member of a bf mother - who tried to start a fight insisting I was staring thus had an issue-- err no I'm watching me kids next to where you were and they were all bf spent years doing it - took the wind right out of their sails.

AllFourOfThem · 14/10/2019 11:52

She believes by doing this she’s raising awareness of bf. I believe she’s raising awareness of her being a bit of a twat

These sentences could easily be used to sum up a huge number of PP. Surely it makes a lot more sense to save judgement for those who neglect or misread their babies. I would judge someone who medicated their baby so they slept for their own selfish reasons. That’s giving a baby poison; formula is not poison just like breastmilk is not poison (unless the mother has taken drugs that pass through and cause the baby to be unwell, which can sometimes happen unintentionally).

MrMumble · 14/10/2019 11:55

It’s a little odd to conceive, grow a baby then not feed it as nature intended. If you had a cat that had kittens do you think it would be best for the kittens to feed if it’s mum or use a bottle with dog milk in it?

Where do you draw the line then eh? Let a baby starve because that's what nature intended...let mum and baby die because a c section isn't what nature intended? Formula saves lives, let's not forget that babies died, not just a few, thousands and thousands of babies died once upon a time. Thank god for formula that's what I say. It's a damn sight better than what people used to do, wean extremely early, feed their babies on pap and dirty water.
I'll never understand why breastfeeding advocates can't understand why it isn't a matter of everyone breastfeeding happily all the time and then formula coming along and changing all of that.

Rubywhoo · 14/10/2019 11:55

I feel HORRIFIC about it all and the fact he wouldnt latch
That’s a bit odd.
Most babies aren’t breastfed and turn out fine. It’s not like you can walk down the street and point out those who were breast fed vs bottle fed

ArthurtheCatsHumanSlave · 14/10/2019 11:57

It’s a little odd to conceive, grow a baby then not feed it as nature intended

Or you might have had IVF to conceive, blood tests and ultrasounds, a cesarean, had a premature baby which needed medical assistance, non of which is natural or as nature intended. Such a stupid statement in this day and age.

DelphicOracle · 14/10/2019 11:58

NoCauseRebel - exactly..... its so horrible, this attitude of women judging women so openly. And for all of those who say "I dont judge but I do if they didnt want to do it / didnt even try" - fyi - that IS judging.

Like Rebel says - imagine if I judged you, your ceasarean - because women are "meant" to be able to give birth. Imagine if I judged you for not wearing your baby "because thats what women have done for millenia"....

Its such an old and boring argument this is.... for the BF mafia - are you aware that there is a lot more to parenting than whether you use your boobs or not for the first few months / years? Its about teaching the about the world, taking them on holidays, letting them have pets picking the right secondary school with your child, looking after them when they get dumped by their first boyfriend, helping them decide if Uni is for them, supporting them when they get divorced at the age of 38. Be vry careful about judging someone for what they didnt do for a tiny part of their childs life

somecakefather · 14/10/2019 12:02

If you think that feeding your baby artificial milk that contains milk from another species is the same as breastfeeding then you are uneducated

How ironic to make a statement like this and then call others uneducated.

Horehound · 14/10/2019 12:02

No, it's not ironic. It's true

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 14/10/2019 12:04

imagine if I judged you, your ceasarean - because women are "meant" to be able to give birth.

Lots of women do exactly that so why be surprised that they do they do the same with feeding? I apparently failed my kids before they were even born because I have a less than stellar pelvis and I married a man whose family all have giant heads. It really annoys one of my aunt's that my kids are obnoxiously healthy because she wants c-section babies to be sickly little runts because it's "second rate".

Winterwoollies · 14/10/2019 12:12

Wow is there some judgemental witches on here.

Well, make of this what you will. My first baby is on the way. It wasn’t planned. I’m not totally on board yet but I’m trying. My husband is delighted.

However, I know my own mind and know quite well what I’m going to do. I’m going to have a go at the colostrum bit and then I do not wish to breast feed. All reasons are my own and mine alone. I honestly don’t care what other people think. I wish I could lend some of that armour to those feeling judged and got-at for not breastfeeding.

user24990 · 14/10/2019 12:12

Here's my thing about breastfeeding.
What difference does it actually make?!
I know all the benefits but I believe they are totally exaggerated.

First example I wasn't breastfed I'm naturally more intelligent than my husband and rarely sick (usually once a year) I've had 2 courses of antibiotics in my life. DH breasted to aged 2 has a fish allergy a slight nut allergy and is always sick has totally lost count of the number of antibiotics he's had in his life.

Secondly DD wasn't breastfed at all best friend had a baby in the same month and ebf for the first 6 months.DD has had a fever once and developmental is fine. Friends baby has really bad eczema, a dairy allergy and has already had 5 courses of antibiotics. Friend now says it wasn't worth the hassle. Also, her ds still at 18 months doesn't sleep through and wakes for a bottle.

When they get to primary school we don't say oh that child is healthier I bet the child was breastfed likewise we don't say a child that has a weak immune system is likely to have been bottle fed!

DelphicOracle · 14/10/2019 12:13

Dinosauratemydaffodils all judging is just pathetic.... I can only imagine those who spend so much energy and mental time, havent got much else going on. When my 2 were little (only 15m apart) I barely had time to wee or draw breath, let alone have long internal dialogue with myself as to how other people fed their kids / birthed their kids / weaned their kids and on and on and on.

I make it a thing - where I try hard not to judge. If I catch myself judging then I try to challenge myself as to why I feel that point is an issue for me. Most of the time its about me, not about other people.

Maybe people should save their judgement for those who abuse and neglect children....

thenightfury · 14/10/2019 12:15

@Tylee
It's so sad that women don't receive the same support for BF as they previously did, if I'd received support for latching, help with pumping in the very very early days and midwives that were not too busy to help, I would still be breastfeeding my DS. I did develop PND. Maybe if I'd had the support o wouldn't have, no one in my immediate family breastfed their children, so no family support either!

TabbyMumz · 14/10/2019 12:15

Yes user 24990......the benefits are hugely hugely exagerated. It makes little to no difference if they are bf or ff.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 14/10/2019 12:19

Maybe people should save their judgement for those who abuse and neglect children

I actually think that some people, possibly my aunt and some posters in these threads think that's what they are judging. When I think about the midwives with dc1 when I tried to explain how breastfeeding made me feel, my feelings didn't count. The fact that I loathed the sensations and that it was triggering to a previous trauma were irrelevant to them. As one "lovely" nurse in NICU said, "I shouldn't have got pregnant if I wasn't over" what happened.