Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

I imagine that some of the judgemental on here choose to co sleep? Despite the fact that it is ill-advised and doing so is clearly not doing the best for their babies? Is putting them at risk in fact.
Actually there's thoughts that's breastfed babies that cosleep have a reduced risk of sids as opposed to formula fed babies. I'll post the paragraph of the book I read this in when I finish feeding my boy.

Fuck no! Not even little bit. I breastfed all of my children but, my god, it was a difficult road, especially with my first. I encountered many problems when learning to breastfeed and every single day for weeks I felt like giving up. I completely understand why some people don't want to do it and I wouldn't dream of judging them for it. Not to mention the fact that some women actually can't do it in some cases, even if they wanted to, and it really isn't my business to be told about someone's personal medical issues.

If I see someone formula feeding their children I would just assume that they either can't breastfeed for some reason that is none of my business, or they don't want to breastfeed for some reason that is, again, none of my business. I think more people feel this way than don't - the judgemental ones are very annoying but I do honestly think that they are in the minority.

I agree with all of that PoppinJay. I totally judge the "Granny Parasite" types who whinge about how "Sharon over the road had her grandkids overnight from 6 weeks but selfish cow DIL is breastfeeding so I can't"

I'm the passive mother who thought I would be helped to breast feed, I literally thought that I put baby to breast and they sucked. If it's so natural, why wouldnt I. I am 36 and my friends all had babies ages ago, then as posted above I had a NICU baby and was so mentally unwell at the time over it all I just couldnt HEAR even though I was told, express overnight.

I know know SO much about it all I could be a lactation consultant!

So how lovely for mothers who dont have crippling antenatal depression have the wherewithall so read and research, I just didnt.

8 months on I still cry EVERY day I dont have a time machine and can go back.

THEN I think thank god I had DH to FF overnight, while I had my 2 in 24/7 sleep

I know I seem angry about this its not at posters here but its a reminder I was an idiot and didnt read enough before birth.

And I had 5 months to do it, I quit work at 23 weeks!!!

I think feeling other people think they are superior because of their choices is more about the person feeling judged.

I imagine that if you know that breast milk is best, are perfectly able to bf, but choose not to simply because you don't want to (ie put yourself first), there must be at least some deep buried unacknowledged guilt that is likely to manifest in anger at anyone that points out bf is best. And thus to accusations of "superiority."

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PEOPLE THAT CAN'T BF FOR WHATEVER REASON

I realise this will not be a popular thought either.

Please don't feel guilty. I did breastfeed for 3 months and stopped for the sake of my sanity and desperate need for rest.

If you can ,look up the work of the infant feeding alliance, and Amy tuter , who are doing amazing work countering the ' lactivist ' narrative.

I believe the reason people judge others because they want to make themselves feel better. It's that simple. It's no reflection on you. Please prioritize your well-being because 1) you matter and your happiness and contentment matters 2) you will be a better mother if you are putting less pressure on yourself .

I also regularly co-sleep with my 1yo and have done since he was about 6m, again my decision. I find it sad as that mothers judge other mothers doing their best despite knowing just how hard it is to raise a child. Whether we formula feed, breast feed, co sleep or CIO. We're all trying our best

MarthasGinYard

Haha. Come on over and we can drink to all the women of the world who believe in supporting each other, not tearing them down, rolling their eyes or being “infuriated” by the choices they make with their bodies. 🍷

No I don’t judge.
Personally I find breastfeeding a bit icky to be perfectly honest and can’t imagine myself doing it or wanting to do it!
Breastfeeding should always be a choice and both breast and bottle have their pros and cons.
I don’t think breastfeeding really matters long term...if you can do it and want to then yeah, crack on but if you don’t want to or can’t do it, your baby isn’t going to suffer or be at a disadvantage.

I think what annoys me is the belief that the whole campaign of breast is best based on scientific evidence is at individual level, or breast is best for ALL babies.

It isn't. The campaign is purely population based, so as a population it is best. Of course, population is made of individuals and of course, such campaign is going to target individuals, but research doesn't say in any way that ALL babies who are breastfed will benefit more than those bottlefed.

Sadly most people don't understand concepts of public health and use their ill based knowledge to spray innacurate scientific facts.

'MarthasGinYard

Haha. Come on over and we can drink to all the women of the world who believe in supporting each other, not tearing them down, rolling their eyes or being “infuriated” by the choices they make with their bodies. 🍷'

I'm on my way, might have to run over a few 'eye rollers' on the way....

I won't be long

I drive Formula One stylie

Giddy up!

@Horehound whether bf babies are at lesser risk from co sleeping is irrelevant. Co sleeping puts them at greater risk in the first place so if you accept the guidance then no-one should be co sleeping at all. But life doesn’t work like that and if you’ve had endless nights of broken sleep then you’re going to do what works best at the time.

That is the only reason why there are guidelines on co sleeping, because they know that people will do it anyway.

But it never ceases to amaze me that people merrily advise others to co sleep and yet talk about potentially weaning before six months or giving a baby a bottle and you might as well admit to being a child abuser whose children’s health problems will be all your fault. When again, these things are rarely black and white and in fact, the weaning guidelines are edging back towards four months because of the now perceived increased risk of allergies due to babies not being exposed early enough...

"It does infuriate me when mums won't even try. They just don't want to do it. Seen as old fashioned maybe.
If you try and can't do it that's fair enough but to not even try......I know it just doesn't work for some people as maybe they go back to work or whatever.I think everyone should give it a fair go."

But why mondeo? If they dont want to, why should they? That's like Mrs Doyle in Father Ted....she just cant understand why people dont want a cup of tea . "Oh go on, go on, go on". "Wont you just try a little bit. Just a little bit to wet your lips"? I respect peoples choices.

I've become very cynical about well intentioned but impossible to follow guidance

Absolutely not. Everyone knows breastfeeding offers additional benefits compared to formula, therefore I assume that a mother who is not breastfeeding must have her reasons.

As for the poster who feels infuriated when someone didn’t even try, it infuriates me that anyone feels the need to tell anyone else whether they tried and failed or couldn’t or just gave up. Since when is it anyone else’s business?

And really, being infuriated about how someone else feeds their baby clearly means you have no life and need to get out more...

(And that includes breastfeeding aversion, which is a perfectly valid reason!)

I respect peoples choices

Arf

No.

You'd get comments if you bf - or mixed feed - or when you wean and what you wean with - if you use a dummy - it doesn' stop.

Friend of mine got so worried - she was in high bf area - because she had to switch to ff due medial advice she had a serious condition and she needed to be on stonger meds - she avoided going out and it add to her pnd. I do think it was more fear than any actual comments there though.

I found some comments about me bf - especially when I was hitting a bad patch - bloody awful.

Most people don't care or nice enough to keep their views to themsleves.

I do think some people get odd about differenet choices to them because somehow if you made the same choice it valids their choice - bf/ff was bad but weaning age was also awful for it for me though I've friends who had similar awful comments/pressue about school choices even up to secondary.

No I don’t judge. You do what’s best for baby and you. I was bottlefed from the start, no issues

*ROLL UP, ROLL UP!!!!!

The first judgmental poster (or “I don’t judge, BUT...”-type poster) who can clearly and convincingly explain how another woman’s choice to feed their own child formula directly affects them will receive three bottles of wine from me.

Aaaaaand GO!*

Choosing is a really interesting term. I chose to breastfeed, and it was really fucking hard. DD took a good two weeks to learn, and I did a lot of crying, pumping etc in that time. I chose to continue, and it eventually worked.

However, I was able to make that choice because I was lucky in so many ways. I didn't have any other children whose needs I had to balance. DD was born in a hospital with an excellent reputation in postnatal care. I received excellent support from midwives, breastfeeding consultants and baby cafes. I continued to attend baby cafes after I left the hospital.

I could afford to rent an electric breast pump. I had a DH who was hugely supportive and used to feed DD while I pumped. I was breastfed myself and 90% of the women I know also breastfed. I had good mental health at the time.

I'm not one of the judgemental posters you referenced. I don't care if you don't want to breastfeed and I totally respect that decision. However, I do care if you wanted to breastfeed and ended up making the very difficult choice to give up because you didn't receive the support I did. I could very easily have made that choice and I would have been devastated. Women in that situation are 2.5 times more likely to suffer PND, and I totally understand why.

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/is-breastfeeding-inability-causing-depression/

Thanks to funding cuts, those baby cafes I went to had gone by the time DS was born. So have the children's centres they were held in. I am very angry about that. The OFSTED report at DD's school specifically highlighted the positive affects of the attached children's centre on children's outcomes. The children in DD's class will have benefited, but the children in DS's, when he starts, won't. So the increased risk of PND in the parents in his class will affect their children's outcomes, which will affect him, which will affect me.

Also some of them are my friends and relations. Their sadness and grief affects me.

I am not at all interested in shaming mothers who choose not to try to breastfeed. But I AM interesting in shaming authorities whose funding options force some mothers to make that choice when they didn't want to.

Do I get some wine?

My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have

Well you know this is obviously completely ridiculous. Most women in the U.K. formula feed. It’s the norm. Every woman has that option and most of them take it.

This could be viewed as a drop and run as you haven’t come back to the thread OP. The more of these types of threads I see on here the more they look like they’ve been created by marketeers at formula manufacturing companies to whip up anti BF sentiment, which they always do. But I’m sure in this case you’re genuine and I wish you happiness with your baby however you choose to feed

As long as you are feeding your baby then I do not give a toss whether you're bf or ff!

For what it's worth I did breastfeed for quite a while.

I have a friend who was moaning about another mum "not even trying to bf" and I just said there's always someone out there who is going to judge you. I pointed out that she combined fed from a few months old and how some people would judge her on that. She felt bad when I pointed that out!

Honestly, whether or not it's how you feed your baby, I can guarantee that we are ALL being judged on something so feck it!

@MarthasGinYard

Would I just someone who was pulling faces at a mother for FFing?

Yes.