Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

No you didn't, Hully. Not in any of the posts I read of yours which prompted me to ask you the question.
You think it's best for the baby and that's your opinion, you've been unapologetic in owning your opinion as you've clearly said. I'm just saying it's not always 'best'.

And your opinion is filled with judgement Hully
I hope it makes you feel good that you judge a mothers love and worth on whether she BF or not.

Fucking hell, if you’re going to spout bollocks like formula has nutritional benefits over breastfeeding on the internet, don’t pretend to be a GP while you’re doing it.

God no. I did it but it was hard and I very easily might have stopped if things had been just slightly different. It's really not that big a deal either way, and I'd never judge anybody else for how they feed.

"Penny, to me, that is the very definition of motherhood. It's just for a short while, and to me it is about loving the creature and doing the best you can for it"
Breastfeeding isn't the definition of motherhood. Being an all round good mother for years to come, up to when they are an adult, is the definition if motherhood . Breastfeeding is a tiny tint tiny part of motherhood, as is feeding your baby a bottle.

ROLL UP, ROLL UP!!!!!

The first judgmental poster (or “I don’t judge, BUT...”-type poster) who can clearly and convincingly explain how another woman’s choice to feed their own child formula directly affects them will receive three bottles of wine from me.

Aaaaand GO!

Still waiting...

'ROLL UP, ROLL UP!!!!!

The first judgmental poster (or “I don’t judge, BUT...”-type poster) who can clearly and convincingly explain how another woman’s choice to feed their own child formula directly affects them will receive three bottles of wine from me.

Aaaaand GO!

Still waiting...'

Perhaps they are still feeding and can't drink the wine 🤔

Send it over here I'll 'mind' it

@tangled2 oh yes obviously if you can't express that's not going to work.
I also had shit support and my baby did lose too much weight in the first few days because he was also jaundiced which made him sleepy and so then wouldn't feed. I had to express milk and top up with formula. I really didn't want to use formula so I sat and pumped for hours in the hospital to make sure he would get as much milk from me as possible and as little formula as possible. It still meant he got more formula than breast milk but I needed to stimulate my milk supply. I had a shit 3 weeks trying to feed him but now at week 7 it is much better and I am glad I persevered. I spilled milk I spent hours pumping for and broke down, screamed into my pillow and was devastated. I definitely put so much pressure on myself to do it and even though it was horrific..I am still glad I got over the hurdles and now we get on pretty well with it. It's also very rewarding when the health visitor comes to weight him and he's put on a pound and I know it's all down to me. And I know it's healthier for me too.

One thing I've noticed is that some people are very passive about things. When I was pregnant and decided I wanted to breastfeed, I read a ton of books, researched, learned all about cluster feeding, that milk doesn't come in right away, etc. It's just nature to me to investigate something I'm planning to do, but a lot of people seem to just wait to be handed information and not have the gumption to go out and find out stuff for themselves. Hence all the posts like 'My milk wasn't in on day 2 so had to switch to formula' or 'My baby was feeding lots so I didn't have enough milk'.

In an ideal world, there would be enough education that we wouldn't have to research all that... but that's never going to happen, and I think we do have to take responsibility for our own knowledge or lack of and do our own homework. When it comes to my child, you bet I'm going to make sure I'm informed.

I judge the people around mothers who make BFing difficult.

I judge the family members who pressure young mothers to FF so they can have their 'turn'.

I judge the partners who 'don't like the idea' of the baby sucking on part of the mother's body they think of as sexual.

I judge anyone who pulls a face, makes degorgatory comments or makes any sort of fuss when the can see someone BFing.

I judge mothers who FF trying to validate their own choices by pressurising others to do the same.

I judge medical professionals who tell mothers who are extended BFing that there's no benefit to their child.

I judge people who suggest that BFing (at any age) is done for attention or to meet the mother's needs.

I judge the weirdos who make links between BFing and sexual arousal.

I judge people who act like BM is dirty and weird, then feed their children cows' BM and stick it in their own coffee.

I probably shouldn't, but I also judge mothers who couldn't BF and then complain because BFing is promoted in appropriate ways, due to the fact that it is better for babies and new mothers need evidence based information to make their own decisions.

I judge formula companies who use 'follow on' formula to circumvent the law on formula milk advertising.

I feel sad when I know a mother hasn't even considered BFing because she is surrounded by people who expect the default position to be FFing and can't even consider bucking the trend but I don't judge her.

I reserve my judgement for those that persist with it past the point that it clearly isn't working and the poor babies end up back in hospital through dehydration and malnutrition.

If it works, fine. Go for it. But if it clearly isn't and your baby is going hungry then FFS, at least try a bottle. Babies don't care where the milk comes from so long as they get it.

It does infuriate me when mums won't even try. They just don't want to do it. Seen as old fashioned maybe.
If you try and can't do it that's fair enough but to not even try......
I know it just doesn't work for some people as maybe they go back to work or whatever.
I think everyone should give it a fair go.

Poppinjay

Would you judge the 'mother'

Who gave an 'eye roll' at the mum making up her new borns bottle??

Would you judge the eye roller?

Just curious

See below sagrada

Hullygully Mon 14-Oct-19 10:15:31
I don't know if "judge" is the right term, but I am always puzzled by women who are able to bf (physically and financially eg time off work etc) and choose not to.

All this “I wanted to give my baby the best start in life” chat is just bollocks though isn’t it?

The supposed benefits of breastfeeding are vastly overstated, and the fact that the vast majority of babies in the UK are FF is clear evidence that there is very little benefit to BF since we don’t have a situation where around 80% of babies have significant health problems and all of those babies are FF.

I imagine that some of the judgemental on here choose to co sleep? Despite the fact that it is ill-advised and doing so is clearly not doing the best for their babies? Is putting them at risk in fact.

Or that some of them go back to work? Which is apparently not best for baby as the first three years spent at home is giving them the best start in life?

I never encountered any judgement in the real world re bf/ff, I’ve only ever come across it on here along with the bullshit statement that there’s no such thing as women not being able to bf, like those women are going to put themselves forward for medical testing during the most vulnerable time in their lives....

If you don’t see a baby being fed then you have no way of knowing how it is fed. There is no evidence as to how it’s fed, and once it reaches preschool age it makes literally no difference.

But my thinking is that BF is such an emotive subject for women to become passionate about because it’s the only part of their parenting they can uphold as being (apparently) superior to others.

Celebelly

I agree

I do judge mothers who forumla feed who try and legitimise their choices by criticising breastfeeding.

I don't give two hoots whether you BF or FF but at least just own why you're doing it.

To answer your original question OP based on the responses you've had here:

Some people are judging you. But they don't seem to be the sort of people whose opinion is something you should care about. In the same way some people judged you at school for the sort of car your dad drove, but who cares what those awful people thought?

Normal, nice people won't judge you, whatever you decide is best for your family.

Go and enjoy your tiny new human!

How about not just accepting but celebrating our differences, realising that we need all kinds of humans, the breastfed ones, the bottle fed ones and the ones who only eat chocolate (that's me)?!

Within the parameters of healthy people there is no real "best" and we need everyone!

Let's enjoy the fact that we are different and that for some of us motherhood means a bottle and trekking with your baby to India and for others it means breastfeeding and cuddling in your house.

And yes, maybe baby 1 will be different from baby 2 but our incredibly complex and complicated society needs that. Different babies, different mums, dads and people.

That's another misinformation. You can have an alcoholic drink and breastfeed and no you don't have to pump and dump.

mondeo -It does infuriate me when mums won't even try.

It infuriates you? Must have a lot of extra time on your hands to be so concerned about somebody else's feeding choices.

'Infuriate'

That's an odd emotion to have over someone else's feeding choice?

The only women I judge are women who try to micro manage other women's affairs. A fed baby is most important. How someone feeds their child is no one else's business.

Judgey women need to stay in their own lane.

There are no gold medals however a Mother chooses to feed her child, it's not a virtue signalling competition and just feed your own child without poking your nose into other people's choices.
Can you imagine a struggling new Mum reading some of the bonkers bollocks on here she'd be in a terrible mess when she was probably looking for help.

I don't know a single adult that is unhealthy/poorly because they were fed formula as an infant. So what does it actually matter?
Yes of course 'Breast is best' but at the end of the day it's a choice, some women don't want a child attached to the breast all the time. I was desperate to breast feed but I couldn't get my DS to latch after the first feed, when I was on delivery ward I was helped to express into a syringe but after being moved onto postpartum ward the midwives were to busy to help, my child was screaming and I was alone after an emergency section and a 20 hour labour. So I gave up and formula fed. Lots of women don't want to go through that, and that's their choice.