Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

Love how some posters are all "I don't judge but question why any mother would not want to do the best they could for their child*

Yes Hully I mean you.

I bf all of my DC and frankly if I had my time again I would FF.
I was pressured in to it by the midwife, mil, sil, friends and once I had BF the first I had to do the same for the following DC.

I gave up my body for many months growing that human then gave up many more feeding it when in fact there was an easier less controlling and healthy option.

I feel VERY strongly about breastfeeding.

I have a good friend who simply did not want to bf and didn't, at all.

I can honestly say it has not been something I have 'judged' on at all. She is a fab person and a fab mum.

My thinking that 'oh she is missing out on something amazing' would not be logical because she didn't want to bf and therefore would not consider it amazing. And from the point of view of her children missing out, it simply comes into the category of everyone doing things differently. My older ones went to nursery very young. Some folk would think that was a shame for them.

So it's perfectly possible to be very pro bf and genuinely not feel negative about another woman's rights and choices.

That woman who came up to you sounds like a twat, to provide a nuanced deconstruction of the event.

'but I am I'll admit to having rolled my eyes in a maternity ward at the sight of the mother of a literal newborn mixing up I'll admit to having rolled my eyes in a maternity ward at the sight of the mother of a literal newborn mixing up formula'

I'll admit to having rolled my eyes in a maternity ward at the sight of the mother of a literal newborn mixing up formula'

Really what an absolute Cunt you must be.

Nope don't judge at all. Honestly couldn't care less how anyone else feeds their child

I hope you don't give your patients as much ill informed advice IRL as you do on here. Formula is in no way superior to breastmilk. How short sighted.

The breast feeding gp..... I am super 'fed is best', but your posts.... People actually listen to doctors. You have a responsibility to not mislead.

Anyone who had a mind to input the word breastfeeding into google scholar could easily come up w study after showing benefits.
Heres a new yorker article on the issue
www.google.com/amp/s/www.newyorker.com/tech/elements/breast-feeding-the-microbiome/amp

And the vitamins thing. Shhesh. So.... A bf mother can supplement to address any concerns. Can a bottle feeding mother do the same?

And ya, referring to your credentials to push such nonsense is... Not great.

Also there is very interesting work being done on the impact on the microbiome of extended bf.

I agree, Martha

As a society we are absolutely not geared towards women bfing their babies. Women are also not prepared for the reality of bfing. I was fortunate to have a friend who had a baby some years before me and told me to give up on any kind of life for 6 months and get a pile of books and DVDs (look how long ago it was).

Also, of course, there are the MASSIVE vested interests of the formulas companies doing their best to suggest formula and breast milk are equal.

And the "You do what's best for you" approach. Which is all well and good, except really one should do what's best for the new human (at least for the first six months).

I realise this is a very unpopular view, but there's no point in pretence and dishonesty.

Breast milk is amazing. A complete food for a human that adapts all day and every day to serve the needs of the baby. Totally fucking amazing stuff. And it's FREE.

No wonder big pharma hates it.

@LisaSimpsonsbff yes of course. I exclusively expressed and used a bottle in the first 2 to 3 weeks of my babies life until we got the breastfeeding down ok.

MarthasGinYard Mon 14-Oct-19 10:28:14

[CAKE] WELL SAID

I gave up my body for many months growing that human then gave up many more feeding it when in fact there was an easier less controlling and healthy option

Penny, to me, that is the very definition of motherhood. It's just for a short while, and to me it is about loving the creature and doing the best you can for it.

No one has to agree with me. But I won't not say it.

I read somewhere once: Motherhood is the great equaliser, but many women don't WANT to be equal with others, they want to be better

I think much of the over investment comes from women who breastfed partly to do/be the 'best',and when it's pointed out that it's not massively superior, that their children won't be gifted super humans, then come out guns blazing, with comments about how formula is 'awful' or 'for calves' etc.

Breastfeeding can be lovely and fulfilling. So can Formula feeding.

You aren't better than anyone else because you breastfed your 39 month old longer than anyone else.

I'd like to say I don't but I don't know. It makes me a bit ashamed that I probably do judge people who won't give it a go even if they're able. But that's probably because we had such a tough time getting established, although it's been 100% worth it. But it is a personal choice, and even if I can't understand why you wouldn't at least try and give baby colostrum if you're able, I realise that it's not for me to understand and it's nothing to do with me.

But for me, I wanted to give my DD the best start in life and for us breastfeeding is that. I'm not averse to formula, she has some every so often with her dad now. But to not even try didn't sit right with me.

I feel you get judgedweather you breastfeed or not. I'm still bf my 12 month old. It works for us, but no one in mine or dh family breastfeed so there has been negative judgement.
Fed is best, your mental well being is so important.

But Hully, how is a mother who is in pain and suffering physically and mentally best for the baby? Or do we just not care about women anymore? To prioritise the baby in this case reduces the mother to a mere feeding machine.

Answer for the first question: I absolutely do not judge women who do not breastfeed. I do feel sad that so many give up or despair because they don't have correct support and information. Breastfeeding shouldn't be hurting you. If you want support please send me a private message and we can chat. For babies who don't even get the colostrum I do feel a little sad too as that is the defence nature designed to keep them healthy the first few hours/days into the world, but I would never judge another mother for going straight to bottle as it isn't my business and she most likely has reasons I don't know about.

As to what will you be missing if you stop, I'm sure you've heard about the long lasting benefits for both mum and baby or you wouldn't have been so determined to make it work. But aside from that, easy for you (no bottle, sterilising, prepping to go out anywhere etc), easy go to solution for calming, pain, hunger, stomach ache, infections, small appetite etc for you baby. And I don't know about the bond as I didn't formula feed but am sure it is very special too

Judge. yes in all honesty I do.

But I also accept that there may be good reasons not to (we had huge problems BF so whilst I did continue trying, my DS was pretty much 2/3rd formula fed).

If it is affecting you in terms of PND, then it is not worth it. Healthy and happy mother is better

But if it is just that you 'don't like it' and there aren't any other real reasons (this doesnt' sound like you OP) then I do think you should suck it up and keep trying. Quite honestly it IS better for them, even if you can only keep it going for a few months.

I don't understand why people keep saying 'my body, my choice' etc. It could also be my choice to do a lot of things which aren't in my child's best interest, but I wouldn't be proud of it and shout about them.

All that said, I would never tell anyone what they should be doing if they weren't someone I was close to. You don't know what other people's reasons are for making choices.

No. Can't say I ever felt judged either.

sagrada I did say "physically and financially able"

If you can't, you can't.

I try not to judge other mums at all. Parenting is hard.

I exclusively breastfed dc1 for 12 weeks and then combo fed for another 4. I hated every single second of it. It didn't make me bond, it made me loathe him. I hated the feeling of it, it was so triggering and even now writing this, I can feel that same sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I used to get whenever he cried in hunger. Everyone kept telling me it would get better, I'd desensitise, it was best for baby and given that he'd been born by emcs and had a NICU stay with antibotics, he'd need it. When I reached the point where cutting off my nipples seemed like a good idea, dh went and bought formula.

Dc2 I wasn't going to breastfed at all because of the above. I was essentially "shamed" into trying in the hospital and struggled on for the first 8 weeks of her life in exactly the same pattern as with dc1 only she had latch issues too so after every feed I had to pump and bottle feed her that.

If there is a dc3, I'll probably do the first week or so and then switch. There has to be balance.

I will add, I made the one woman who couldn't take a hint with dc1 cry when she kept pushing as to why I'd given up breastfeeding. I told her exactly why I hated it, why it was traumatic and that perhaps if she'd walked in my shoes she wouldn't have lasted as long as I did so to shut up. She did. Hopefully she hasn't lectured anyone else since.

Try to ignore what you think other people are thinking and expend that energy working out how YOU really feel about it - and then follow that, whether it's FF or BF. Loads of people judge everything all the time and that is getting worse in this society where being polite and considerate and accepting that things aren't black and white is so out of fashion. If it's any consolation, it's really not only FF that's judged: I BF and the utterly ill-informed comments from people trying to push me to FF were extraordinary. That feeling of being judged made me so unhappy and made BF far more of an emotional challenge than it should have been. People shouldn't be so quick to judge, but we as individuals have to try to own our choices so that we don't get defensive (I say, now seething about comments made 12 years ago, that I really should have got over!)

Also, of course, there are the MASSIVE vested interests of the formulas companies doing their best to suggest formula and breast milk are equal.

Yes and even they they admit on their packaging breast milk is best. Of course it is! It's the milk produced by a human for the human baby. Made and comprised to maximise the health of a baby No one can argue formula is as good, it's not and even the manufacturers say it.

Also, I've not read the full thread but breastfeeding also has long term benefits to the mother's as well. So it's all very well saying "I was formula fed and I turned out fine" ok..good! But there's evidence it actually makes mother's less stressed, less chances of certain cancers etc

Penny, to me, that is the very definition of motherhood. It's just for a short while, and to me it is about loving the creature and doing the best you can for it.

God you are so self righteous it's turning my stomach.

A woman who chooses to FF does not love her children less than you love yours.

You are very judgmental Hully stop trying to pretend you are not.

sagrada

I should add "mentally" in there too.

You are entitled to your opinion of course, Penny

As I am to mine.

I’d just someone who was putting their mental health at risk and behaving like a martyr - as someone who is not putting balance and mental stability high enough up the priority list when being a mother to a newborn. A newborn needs a good bond, they need their mother to be as happy and stress free as they can be as believe me there is a huge amount of evidence about how stress can adversely affect the baby.