Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

No I don’t.

With dd I wanted to bf, was able to physically, but really didn’t like it. I felt claustrophobic and “touched out”, self conscious in public (no nasty looks or comments) and I think it was really tied in with my pnd and pna.
I stopped after a few weeks and gave myself absolute hell for it, which was silly really as I was judging myself in a way I don’t judge other women.

With my ds I am now 4.5 months into bf. No pnd or pna this time and I’m enjoying it much more. I am trying to introduce a bottle now so that DH can have him for a full day while I go to a spa.... but ds is having none of it.

I judge Mothers who don't even attempt to. It doesn't work for everyone for a multitude of reasons but it is the best way to feed your child and Mothers that don't even try once I don't think have their child's best interest in mind for that decision. and bringing your children up to be judgemental wankers is having their best interests at heart is it? No didn’t think so, now odfod

I don't judge

I chose not to BF from day one

Chose my 'natural birth' .....ELCS

And our 'natural' feeding choice....Aptamil

Bloody amazing stuff

Never had any negative comments although DM who BF three of us did ask if I was going to give it a whirl.

I had 18 months off older first time mum established, supportive DH so I guess I fall into the BF demographic.

Dc couldn't be healthier, 2 BF cousins born about the same time are full of allergies, psoriasis and one has an ear thing going on, poor thing. Both are the fussiest of eaters.

I find threads like this quite amusing TBH

I couldn't give a shiny one about your choices, crack on.

I don't know if "judge" is the right term, but I am always puzzled by women who are able to bf (physically and financially eg time off work etc) and choose not to.

Having a child is such a huge life-changing commitment that if you're going to go through all that and produce a new human that you will love beyond your own life I don't know why one wouldn't do the absolute best for it and bf if possible.

I don't judge anyone on an individual level as I have no idea of their personal circumstances.

However, at societal level I do find the low rates of breastfeeding in the UK to be sad and descriptive of issues to do with attitudes, lack of support and judgement of breastfeeding babies who are older than a couple of months. It is a sad state of affairs when Unicef refers to BF in the UK as a public health issue.

Bf was so important to me after I read about babies "open gut" which no one seems to mention. It's tough though. I've recently switched to bottle feeding my son at nine months and it is a lot easier! Good luck in whatever you choose xxx

Fern - I believe mixed feeding is discouraged as in the early weeks your supply is based on how much your baby feeds. So if baby is full from a bottle, it won't be feeding, so your body produces less milk, baby need more bottles, and slowly your supply dries up.

IME mixed feeding works well when breastfeeding is established, and formula is given at set times, such as 200mls before bed etc.

Ultimately it's what works best for you though! If you are really struggling breastfeeding, and formula helps you bond with your baby and cope, then I would be less concerned about the supply running out eventually But if you really want to breastfed for a longtime, you would need to be careful to encourage supply. A friend is mixed feeding, and she gives a bottle at night but uses a breastpump and freezes the milk to ensure her supply stays topped up.

@RopeBrick I'm not sleep deprived and have a fantastic equal partnership. Do you make all parenting decisions based on science or do you have any maternal instinct?

I couldn't give a shiny one about your choices, crack on

It doesn’t sound like that though. It sounds like you’re trying to make yourself feel better for choosing to FF.

You shouldn’t at all.

ROLL UP, ROLL UP!!!!!

The first judgmental poster (or “I don’t judge, BUT...”-type poster) who can clearly and convincingly explain how another woman’s choice to feed their own child formula directly affects them will receive three bottles of wine from me.

Aaaaaand GO!

'I'll admit to having rolled my eyes in a maternity ward at the sight of the mother of a literal newborn mixing up formula'

Ever thought about the impact you rolling your eyes might have on a new mum at the most vulnerable time of her life?

My baby was born term and ill and frankly 8 months on I feel HORRIFIC about it all and the fact he wouldnt latch and I kept asking the NICU when they were feeding him, I would make sure I was there 1/2 hour before and he was always fed.

I was in for a week with him and I didnt understand the necessity of expressing overnight too so my milk all but dried up and and for 3 weeks I expressed all I could manage for 1 feed a day

He used to look up at me wanting cuddles and I'd leave my baby there to express and it seemed pointless

the support you are meant to get, even with an ill baby just doesnt exist.

That said, being able to share feeding is brilliant and I cant change my past

I wont ever get over it though.

I've not yet heard a reason for someone who isn't trying breastfeeding at all that I agree with or understand.

Brilliant! Fortunately (and thankfully for all the new Mothers who can't/won't/don't breastfeed) you're not a) significant enough for any new mother to give a fuck about or b) entitled to offer any new mother your limited, blinkered opinion.

OP, if you are struggling and want to formula feed, formula feed your baby. Breastfeeding is lovely when it works, and heartbreaking when it doesn't. Don't be pushed into continuing to struggle by people so intolerant and blinkered that they can't see past the end of their own noses.

No.

I attempted to breast feed my first, but basically a lack of support from nurses (re-admitted to paediatrics due to weight loss) meant that the only way we could escape hospital was via formula feeding.

I didn't attempt to breastfeed my second, but I did express the colostrum to give to them.

Personally, I'm not convinced "breast is best". As an adult, I cannot tell who has been breast or bottle fed around me.
I found out after having my first (and crying to my father about the guilt of stopping breast feeding) that I was formula fed, and that 2 of my 3 siblings were formula fed. Of my siblings you would not be able to differentiate who was breast fed without being told.

I think the UK has too much of a fear culture around breast feeding (you must breast feed else your baby misses out! you won't bond so well unless you breast feed! - i got told both these when i suggested stopping bottle so my first would finally gain weight) when what it needs is better support for new mothers to establish breastfeeding. I 100% believe that if I had had good support whilst in/immediately after staying on the postnatal ward and whilst on the paediatric ward that I would have been successfully breastfeeding my first.

Of course it's an emotive issue. As a new mum you are completely surrounded by information telling you that breast milk is the best for your baby. It obviously feels shit to think you aren't doing the best possible thing for your baby. And there is judgement out there for mums who formula feed.

@Horehound it would take me 4 or 5 45 minute expressing sessions with an electric breast pump to express about 150ml, and that got less and less as time went on. Some women can't express.

I still struggle that I couldn't breast feed my baby. Late diagnosed tongue tie, mastitis, crap support in the hospital, really slow flow in my left breast, tension in her jaw/next, I imagine this all contributed to the fact that she dropped 13% of her birth weight, took nearly 6 weeks to regain her birth weight, and dropped through a few centiles until she reached 2% and wasn't pooing. I wish I had given up earlier - but you are always hearing stories about with enough 'determination' you can persevere through the tough bit and then it will be brilliant. Nope.

It's when it's always discussed as a 'choice' that mums make that bothers me. There's nothing wrong with making the choice to FF, but it isn't actually always a choice and it's quite a painful lack of choice and other option that is why a lot of mums are pretty defensive and touchy about the subject.

I think your husband is wrong. Everyone in this country has the choice of formula feeding or breastfeeding. They chose to breastfeed and made their decision. It doesn't make them any better than someone who chose not to.

What is it that you're struggling with @HarryHarry ? Is it the feeling touched out? The anxiety of not knowing if baby has enough milk? Simply don't like breastfeeding? I ask, not because I want an answer but for you to ask yourself.

I didn't like breastfeeding. Was never really interested in doing it but gave it a go both times. I didn't continue long as it just wasn't for me. But I did want to give breastmilk, because I believe in the benefits of it. So I expressed for 5/6 months. I hired the hospital grade pump and went for it. I didn't find it a chore because I had made the decision that that was what I wanted to do so I went for it!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that you need to make a decision about what is best for you. Some people will tell you that formula feeding is a pain because you've got to sterilise all your bottles. Some will tell you breastfeeding is a pain because of sore nipples and others will tell you expressing is double the work. It wasn't for me. Because I made the choice and considered what I was doing rather than trying to do it all.

All are absolutely fine. Do what makes YOU the happiest xx

No i don't. Dc1 i couldn't properly and it really made my PND worse. I'd judge those like the woman that accosted you though for being narrow minded and rude.

It is possible to bf and think it best without feeling superior btw.

A lot of anger on this thread at perceived feelings of superiority.

'but I am always puzzled by women who are able to bf (physically and financially eg time off work etc) and choose not to.'

Oh Hully it does make me chuckle to imagine you looking on in some puzzled state....

However I know from previous threads you are a poster I completely respect, as i've seen you offer much support to women who choose to BF which is invaluable and much needed I feel.

I may have chosen not to BF but it's alarming the amount of women who are keen to but lack support and guidance to be able to feed.

Erm, littlepeas, not everyone can. Have you ignored all the posters here who have said how devastating it was for them not to be able to breastfeed? Your badge of 'womanhood' statement could be quite hurtful.

No.

I breastfed my DD for a year, I had a hellish time of it and certainly would never judge anyone for switching to formula or combi as a result of difficulties. Its damn hard and there isn't enough support for BF mothers, let alone mothers in general.

Also please stop referring to switching as 'giving up'. No-one judges you harder than you judge yourself. Generally if you and baby are both alive at the end of the day I consider that a win!!

I genuinely don’t care what other mothers do, as long as the baby is well fed and well looked after.

'but I am always puzzled by women who are able to bf (physically and financially eg time off work etc) and choose not to.'

Oh Hully it does make me chuckle to imagine you looking on in some puzzled state....

However I know from previous threads you are a poster I completely respect, as i've seen you offer much support to women who choose to BF which is invaluable and much needed I feel.

I may have chosen not to BF but it's alarming the amount of women who are keen to but lack support and guidance to be able to feed.

I'm still breastfeeding my 12 month old. I wasn't comfortable feeding until he was 4 months old. It hurt like hell, I had recurring mastitis and he has point blank refused to take a bottle, ever. But I love it, and I'd do it again with my next.
I couldn't give a shit what other people think of me and I give even less shits about how other women choose to feed their baby.
It wouldn't even occur to me to judge them.
I'd encourage any new mum to have a go if they wanted to and would offer advice if asked, but if I saw someone bottle feed I'd just presume that was their choice.

No I wouldn't judge. I've never once looked at another mother and wondered how they feed their baby. Why would I? It's not my baby. I don't have to spend 24/7 with them seeing to their needs. It's all well pointing the finger and judging someone but realistically how does it affect their lives? It doesn't . The only parents I judge are those who look down on others no matter what the reason. Do whatever makes you happy. It's nobody else's business.