Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

@rattusrattus20 perhaps you should have been more focused on your newborn rather than someone else's boobs being out or lack of? I couldn't feed my first, it caused depression that I couldn't, plus she had milk allergy. I felt I failed as a mother. With my second i knew I had no milk and would possibly have another with allergies. Formula from the off and guess what- happy mum and happy baby as I wasn't crying my head off for two weeks that I was a shit mum.

No I don’t judge at all. None of my business.

No, not at all. Not breastfeeding is a totally reasonable choice, and anyone who says otherwise needs to boil their head.
What will you be missing? Nothing huge. For me the reasons I liked it was no faffing about with sterilisers and washing up etc (I hate housework and am chronically disorganised - when I had small babies I could barely make a cup of tea some days). I liked that instead of getting up in the night, going downstairs, getting a bottle, heating it up, (making it up if we hadn't been organised), coming back upstairs, and THEN feeding the screaming baby, I could just roll over, stick my tit in their mouths and go back to sleep. (Flip side of course is that I had to do ALL the night feeds, so bottle feeding definitely has other benefits. Although in most households I know, the one who was off on maternity leave and could nap in the day tended to do most of the night work anyway.)
I liked that I had a hand free and could read/Mumsnet while feeding. I liked that I could calm a howling five-month-old instantly by sticking my tit in their mouth. (Though this worked better with DD than DS). I liked that I lost all the baby weight by the simple diet technique of breastfeeding until they were two/18 months. I liked that I got to eat loads of cake and biscuits for the first six months - particularly useful when you're surviving on such little sleep.
I'm an introvert, so I loved that at strategic intervals during the day I got to say "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to feed DS now" and then I got to go and sit down on my own in a room for half an hour. I think the enforced rest was good for me, and I know it was good for my relationship with DD, DH and my in laws. (DD got a lot more television in that first six months as a result of this tactic, which had mixed results - the hardest part was when DS needed feeding to sleep and she had to be exiled to another room and be absolutely quiet (he was a very distractable baby). That was fine when DH was there, but when it was just the two of us, there were some really stressful and horrible evenings. I didn't like that at all. (Though I never bottle-fed, so maybe the same thing happens with bottle-fed babies? I don't know.))
I liked that I was never caught out without food - we've recently weaned DS and I was stuck on a train yesterday with no food and I really missed breastfeeding then. I now have to get back into the habit of always having baby-friendly snacks with me. Again, not a huge thing, but nice.
I liked that it was cheap. (Not free because of the aforementioned cake and biscuit consumption, but definitely cheaper). And better for the environment.
I liked that when they were ill, I didn't have to worry about getting fluid in them, as they were always happy to suckle.
I didn't like the fucking cluster-feeding, the way DH got all his evenings off while I was stuck with a cluster-feeding baby. I didn't like how hard it was to leave them, even for half an hour. I didn't like the effect it had on my relationship with DD - DH basically looked after DD and I looked after DD, and I don't think that was ideal. I didn't like that it took until both kids were oneish for DH to feel confident looking after them both - before that they'd be so attached to me that he'd have them for ten minutes, they'd start crying, he'd say "They want a feed!" and I'd want to throw things at him. Although in fairness that might just be DH - he's a great dad to toddlers, but he's never felt very happy around babies. I suspect that would have been easier if we'd bottlefed though.
I think it was the right decision for my family. But I can absolutely see all the reasons why it might not have been - and there were definitely days when I wished I hadn't. And I agree with PP that the scientific evidence is way less compelling than people think it is. All that 'less likely to be obese stuff' disappears when you control for class etc. The only benefit that has conclusive evidence is that babies who are breastfed are less likely to get gastric diseases, and it's not clear whether that's down to people not sterilising bottles correctly.

I do agree that I'd give it longer than a couple of days before I made a decision - the first couple of weeks are definitely the hardest. But you do what's best for you and your family, OP. And congratulations on your new baby.

I judge Mothers who don't even attempt to. It doesn't work for everyone for a multitude of reasons but it is the best way to feed your child and Mothers that don't even try once I don't think have their child's best interest in mind for that decision.
I've heard people claim they want their partners to bond, they don't want to have to do all the work, they don't want to breastfeed in public, they want their breasts to stay sexual for their partner, they don't want their breasts to sag, they find it 'icky' (quote)
I don't sit in a cafe and see a woman I don't know formula feed a newborn and think oh dear what an awful woman!! As I don't know her story at all. But friends and family that have shared that they aren't giving breastfeeding a go at all I do internally judge. I've not yet heard a reason for someone who isn't trying breastfeeding at all that I agree with or understand.

I tried to breastfeed DS for about a week, he was having none of it. Felt like a failure, of course. Started bottle feeding and it was a game changer for all of us. It was suggested to me by family member that my bond with DS wouldn't be the same (read - as good) as theirs with their DC. I countered that actually, our bond was amazing, and that DH would also get a chance to share that bond, because he got to do feeds and share those moments which doesn't happen when DC are exclusively breast fed, to which the reply was that was ridiculous, and how could I imply how close others' bonds were. Hypocritical/judgy, much?

As it happens, DS ended up being fed via an NG tube because of a severe illness, so for half of his first year we didn't even get to do that. It hurt, but was necessary. DS is now at school, thriving and doing well - none of this early feeding methods did him any harm. You do you, OP.

@GunpowderGelatine I'm saying in SOME ways formula is nutritionally superior, as it has been designed to combat common deficiencies. In the UK vitamin D deficiency is a big issue, so more is added to formula. It's advised that all breastfed babies receive supplementation for this reason - they aren't getting the extra from formula.

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/01/Vitamin-D-supplementation-for-breastfed-babies-Unicef-UK-Statement.pdf

I imagine you already know this from supplementing your breasfed child, as any informed breastfeeding mother would.

Obviously, breastfeeding is superior in other ways. No risk of infection from bottles, immunoglobulins (although the main benefit from these comes from colostrum.) But this also depends on the nutritional status of the mother, vegans mothers who don't eat a very careful diet will produce milk that can be lacking in certain things

www.nhs.uk/live-well/eat-well/vegetarian-and-vegan-mums-to-be/The benefits of breast over formula are wildly overstated, usually by people who are over invested in the whole thing.

Please could you kindly state your nutritional expertise and some robust literature on the massive benefits of breastfeeding in the long term? Thanks, a breastfeeding GP

No, I don't.

I B/F both of mine, and I know it's best for bay - immune system etc, but if someone can't or prefers not to B/F for any reason at all, then that is entirely up to them

It's not as though we live in a country where a baby who isn't breastfed risks being undernourished - there are excellent baby milks available.

I don't judge at all. I struggled with the first 1-2 weeks and then luckily it became easy. Everyone in my antenatal group is formula feeding. I often feel judged and pressured for not having stopped. Everyone else seems to have a baby who sleeps well and puts it down to formula.

I don't judge anyone. I think you are amazing for trying.

I wish I had posted something similar when DS was a week old. I beat myself up so terribly about finding breastfeeding hard. Looking back, I am pleased I stuck with it and do feel a sense of accomplishment, but I also remember dreading feeds for a good 8 weeks when it would have been much nicer to be trying to enjoy my new baby.

Anyone who judges you one way or the other is not worth your time. We are all just doing our best. And whatever decision you make, don't feel guilty - it will be the right call for you and your baby at the time. Good luck and congratulations on your new arrival.

@Chillisauceboss that's because it is not for you to agree with or understand. I'm sure the new mothers with their newborns don't give a shiny shit for your approval. Perhaps if you broadened your mind and cut the judgement you'd see how twattish your post comes across- of course every mother has her child's best interest at heart. Fed is best. However that is.

I wouldn’t persevere OP

Enjoy your baby instead of enduring them.

There are no medals for how you feed your baby and it’s really nobody’s business.

I agree. For me personally I'd rather do all the night BFs than half of the night FFs. I imagine few couples go 50 50 anyway as the man would make excuses.

I had 4 DC and bf for between 4 weeks and 4 months. It was horrible, I had awful afterpains, sore nipples, leaking breasts, no sleep. It made me feel physically sick to bf.
I think the pro bf lobby need to be a lot more honest with women. I did not find it easy to bf while out and about - I had to find somewhere private because as I was feeding on one side, the other side was pouring milk, such that the breast shells would overflow and I had to change my clothes. 4 months of that was more than enough
With my youngest, she was hungry because there wasn't enough milk coming. It's all very well to say cluster feed (health visitor's advice was to go to bed for 48 hours and just eat and feed) but that is not conducive to looking after other children as well as your newborn, or holding down a job!
Much easier and less stressful to FF. I think bf is advantageous in places where there is no access to clean water and sterilising equipment, but in this country, not so much once initial colostrum has been given.
HCP do judge women who FF, which is shitty because women are vulnerable at this time and HCP should be supportive of the mother's mental wellbeing.

As a mother who has breastfed, I don’t judge anyone who does or doesn’t breastfeed. The only parenting choice I judge is choosing not to vaccinate (with things like MMR) children with no medical reason behind it.

I've not yet heard a reason that I agree with or understand

Aww, thinking is hard, isn't it. Reasons aside, I'm guessing most women are getting on with their lives, not queuing up to 'explain themselves' to you.

What breastfeeding GP has time to post on Mumsnet!?!?

a part time one

I would definitely judge those who would judge a mother on this! Absolutely none of their bloody business!!!

I don't judge, you never know the reasons why people do what they do, people need tonleave each other alone and get on with their own life!

As @Whoops75 said:

I wouldn’t persevere OP

Enjoy your baby instead of enduring them.

There are no medals for how you feed your baby and it’s really nobody’s business.

I totally agree with this. If someone is so judgemental about breastfeeding, I imagine them to be about various other things and wouldn’t be a friend of mine.

I don't judge women individually and I absolutely believe that women should be able to choose what they do with their own bodies. I do, however, think it is a shame that more women don't try, or don't try for longer. It's the fault of society as a whole, not individual women - there is a bizarre culture of not doing what our bodies have been designed to do in favour of an artificial substance, the use of which lines the pockets of huge companies! Breastfeeding should be seen as a huge privilege of womanhood - you are able to feed a human being entirely from your body and watch them grow!

@Glacecherrychops

Ah! I’m interested in what you’ve said as when I breastfed I had this irrational horror of mixed feeding and got the impression —frombreasfeedingcounsellors— that it ‘undid’ what you’d achieved if you struggled to latch etc. That belief caused me anguish to be honest and meant I didn’t get a break for two years. I’m glad thinking has moved on

I formula fed my children. Out of all the people i know 90% formula fed their children from birth so breastfeeding is alien to me.

Obviously i don't judge mothers who formula feed but i do judge mothers who breastfeed and think they are more superior to those that don't.

The pro breastfeeding lobby should stop trying to control other people's bodies and lives. They can all just fuck off really as far as I'm concerned.

I think becoming a parent (for me) has really opened my eyes to how much we judge each other. For our babies sleeping or not, breastfeeding or formula feeding, in their own room or co-sleeping and so on.

You're likely to FEEL judged OP even if no one is actually tut-tut-ing to themselves about what a terrible mother you are. It's a good idea to develop a thicker skin and say fuck'em to anyone (real or imagined) who is judging you. (Apart from your acquaintance who's clearly a twat).

FWIW I still bf my nearly two-year old.. in my NCT group there's a fair mix of mums who'd ebf, mums who combi-fed and mums who exclusively gave formula. Nearly two years on we're all still friendly and don't judge each other IRL. Good luck with the baby, hope you find a feeding pattern that works well for your family, and try not to think too much about what other people think!