Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

@readingnc yes calves what did you think formula milk actually was though?

*Ok you keep telling yourself that.

Breastmilk is a natural live substance actually designed for human babies, nothing synthetic can rival that. It produces the exact amount of iron a baby needs because that's literally its only job

I bet the formula companies read this patting themselves on the back with how much nonsense people believe.*

What exactly are your nutritional qualifications?

Formula contains more iron and vitamin D than breastmilk. That is a fact.

Which is why exclusively breastfed babies are more at risk of iron deficiency and vitamin D deficiency. Which is why supplementation is recommended.

If you don't know what you are talking about, better not comment to avoid looking like a fool, eh?

These threads are useful/can be surprising as posters you previously respected show their true colours. And over something so small in the grand scheme of things. I have no time for people who want to control women, because that's what all this is about. Some posters even admit it for god's sake: 'I martyred myself and am still in pain and don't enjoy it so I judge other women as they chose an easy life' type of posts. Misogyny.

I don’t understand the obsession with breastfeeding. My brother and I weren’t breastfed once as babies and have grown up perfectly healthy, with no issues whatsoever. How would being breastfed as babies have made any difference to our lives?

@Reenskar I have been massively judged for natural-term breastfeeding. Someone asked me in a group the other day (of mainly acquaintances) if I was still breastfeeding my 3yo son. I lied and said no as I just couldn't be arsed with the faces and comments and people who've actually told me to my face that it's gross or I'm weird.

@GunpowderGelatine from posting on MN I've come to realise a fair number of mothers don't know what formula is made of.

I maintain that in daily life, a breastfeeding mother is far more likely to be judged, get tuts, and even asked to stop feeding her baby, or asked to do it in a toilet or somewhere dirty, than a mother giving a bottle.

The small judgement that I or others may do in my head when I meet someone who didn't even attempt BF is not equivalent.

And I've had interfering busybodies make negative comments about my parenting or my children on other choices I've made so the idea that formula feeding is the only area that people poke their noses into is laughable. I've had far more negative comments about the fact that I work outside of the home than anything related to how I fed my babies.

I just want proper choices. I don’t what women who want to bf being told by professionals that if their milk hasn’t come In in the first 12 hours they have to give formula. To quote one example from this thread

No, I don't judge.

I've breast and bottle fed different children of mine and there are pros and cons to both sides. One thing I do feel though is that if it comes up in conversation, mums will often be defensive, stating their reasons to bottle feed. I think people should be more confident in how they're feeding.

God no! And anyone who does is an a hole. I also conpletely understand.
Now that doesnt mean I think bf and bottle feeding are equal. Bf is best. YET it is not best for every mother and every child. In many circumstances it is much better for baby and mother to bottle feed.
What grinds my gears is the way in which a lot of bottle feeding mothers twist things agn bf mothers. I have never seen bottle feeding moms judged. I have a close group of about 10 female friends. What i have seen is bf mothers judged. Any complaints about mastitis met with 'why do you bother....', convos about how bf excludes fathers. And this w end a particularly lovely conversation about how bf over 3 months is 'icky' (they are well aware I bf ed for 2yrs). The judgement cuts both ways I assure you. There is. Literally. No choice on this issue that wont be judged. So. Do whats best for you, your mental health and your kiddo. And fuck em.

Noone's business, but your own. Do what's easiest. I breast fed both mine because I found it easy and convenient. If it had not been so I wouldn't have hesitated to use bottles. Once they are past the baby stage when you can actually see them being fed, no-one can tell who was and wasn't breast fed. If it really bothers you and breast feeding bores start giving a hard time about it, tell the milk in the bottle is milk you've expressed - no-one will be any the wiser.

I have been massively judged for natural-term breastfeeding.

Good to know you are passing the judgement on to mothers who don't breastfeed, instead of respecting everyone.

No I don’t judge. I didn’t breastfeed DD1 as she wouldn’t latch after a traumatic birth and the nurses gave her formula. I bf DD2 for 2 years as I felt so guilty.

Having endured nasty comments from SIL/MIL etc re DD1 which still hurt 23 years later, no one has any right to judge any woman about colostrum, breast milk or anything else. Our diets are so artificial it doesn’t make a jot of difference. Incidentally DD1 is healthier than DD2.

In my case I think my SIL and MIL were just looking for a way to put me down. I think some women have so little power or influence in society generally, they think they can sit in judgement on other women in matters of child rearing.

I absolutely don't. Your boobs. Your baby. Your choice. I wanted to breastfeed and would have been disappointed if I couldn't. Luckily for me both my DC have easily and successfully bf. I had huge guilt around stopping with DC1 as I was pregnant with DC2 and got awful aversion and pain. I made my goal of 2yrs, but this time I would not push myself to continue when it's not working for me either

People do judge.

I've had to formula feed 2 children, and you do get judged. Never judged by family/friends but other mothers. You do get the looks. But you learn to ignore. They don't know the background, and a lot of those people have made their way on to this thread unfortunately.

I was not able to feed either of my dd's. Both times, under supervision of a paediatrician, I was told to formula feed.

First dd couldn't latch and feed (which is a symptom of group b strep) and after trying for nearly 24 hours (where she got nothing!) with the midwives constantly having a go at me, a paediatrician told them to back off, the child is unwell and needs formula ahead of antibiotics and a lumbar puncture. So I went with his advice. I never did skin to skin either as she was whisked off from me for over 2 hours of tests straight from theatre due to low oxygen levels. Forceps delivery.

2nd dd, again antibiotics needed. Again, taken down to be looked over for nearly 2 hours. Her sugar levels were off. She was put on Wysoy for a number of weeks to determine if she had a number of conditions (including pku and another I can't remember the name of and the reason she was put on wysoy). She also fed every 1 hour 30 minutes and took a lot of milk. Every health nurse has since said I'd never have been able to just breastfeed her. I'd never have left the house at all.

I would never judge another parent. Making bottles and getting up at night is difficult. Each feeding option has highs and lows. They are both hard work.

But, I do judge others who judge as you never, ever know what's gone on in the background leading to the decision for feeding however you like.

You have to do what is best for you, as a happy mum will lend itself to a happy and healthy baby.

@Glacecherrychops you're ACTUALLY claiming that an artificial substance with milk designed for another mammal is superior to human milk for human babies?? Really? "More" artificial vitamin D and iron means sod all - babies don't need that much otherwise it would be produced in breastmilk - which is quite literally the perfect food for them. I'd like to see a source for your claims if you don't mind?

To answer your question I'm a peer supporter, I'm fully aware of the benefits of both and they're completely unrivalled. I'm not saying that to judge - but it is true and claiming otherwise is almost laughable

I certainly judge someone who didn't try. I'll admit to having rolled my eyes in a maternity ward at the sight of the mother of a literal newborn mixing up formula.

But if someone's given it a go, seriously, what's to judge? For some people it just doesn't work for whatever reason.

So if a woman tries just once she's fine to say "nope not for me" but you've the right to judge a woman who chooses not to? What's the difference in your eyes?

Nobody has the right to judge anybody. A friend of mine beat herself up something chronic over not feeling able to breastfeed her child to the point where her MH was affected; a year previously she'd suffered a violent sexual assault that left her physically and mentally suffering, but you'd feel confident offering her some of your judgement, would you? Lovely.

I hate this argument. It's nobody's place, it's nobody's right. Feed your own damn baby and leave other mothers be. I breastfed both and consider myself one of the lucky ones for whom breastfeeding worked and was easy. I wouldn't dream of assuming that because I could that everyone else should. It's arrogance in the extreme.

No I wouldn’t judge.

@Glacecherrychops except I don't judge - like I said earlier formula feeders judge themselves. I'm simply saying breastmilk as a substance is more suitable for humans than cows milk (formula)

When I was pregnant I did a pregnancy yoga class and met a lovely lady who was due about 4 months after I was. I breastfed (partly) until ds was 4 months old, so by the time her baby was born I'd stopped. She was having massive problems breastfeeding and I said it was ok to bottle feed some of the time. Her husband stopped her seeing me (not a particular ethnicity or culture, white Anglo-Saxon) because "no child of his was being bottle-fed". In my view men don't get a say.

Now tell me breastfeeding isn't about controlling women.

I didn't breastfeed my twin DSs. I didn't care what other people thought - it just didn't work for us. I have no opinion on what other people do, it's their business. I'd stop with the angst and just do what makes you feel comfortable.

by the age of about six you can't tell which children were breast fed and which were formula fed (unless the mother is still feeding, of course..)

How can you tell which child was BF or FF?

No OP I would never judge a mother who doesn't BF, but I do sometimes wonder why some woman give it so much headspace and put so much pressure on themselves to the point of making themselves ill. I didn't breastfeed and I don't have one jot of regret or shame about it.

Absolutely would not judge. I planned to breastfeed, had a traumatic birth and my body went in shut down.

Nothing at all came, midwives, doctor's, breast specialists tried to help.

My milk came in 18 weeks post birth!

People still were so rude.

Your decision!!!

No

BF my 11 week old DD currently. It's hard, no doubt about it. She still feeds every 2 hours minimum whereas apparently with formula it would be more like every 4 hours by now, it's so messy (milk gets literally everywhere!) and I have had a nasty bout of mastitis. There are loads of positives too though and I was given great support both in the hospital and at my local breastfeeding group. I absolutely would not judge anyone who either tried and decides it wasn't for them or decided to FF from the outset. There is enough to feel guilty about in parenting - mine currently is I just cannot get my baby to nap!

No, I don’t judge because I’m well aware there are many reasons why a woman can’t or won’t breastfeed. I do wish more would try it but it’s not my body, not my baby so obviously none of my business.