Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

I breastfed my first two, but my 3rd has a problem with his mouth and after 5 days really trying to feed him and drs, midwives etc all telling me he was fine, they discovered the problem. I wasn’t able to breastfeed because he did not have the ability to suck like he should. He was admitted to scbu. I had a midwife say to me ‘if you don’t want to breastfeed, just admit it’. That devastated me. That comment led to me expressing to feed my baby for nearly 6 months. I was drained. It was like feeding twice at a time. I was completely isolated.
I’m expecting again and absolutely plan to feed this one, but I have noticed on the scan that this one has the same mouth and chin shape as my 3rd child, so I am expecting breastfeeding issues again. I don’t know what I would do if I did have problems this time but I am keeping my balls about me and not standing for anyone telling me baby is ok when I know it can’t feed properly again.

I do think everyone should give it a go, especially for a week or two as that’s when the baby gets the most goodness. It’s what nature intended so regardless of how great formula is now, it can’t be as good.
I do know from experience though that not everyone can breastfeed so I don’t think people should judge.

@TabbyMumz read my previous comment. Lufthansa policy says cabin crew may ask a BF woman to stop if another passenger complains.

Some loony old biddy or MN posts about formula just don’t rise to the level of what BF women deal with being judged by society. I cannot accept the claims of persecution made here. I mean someone has said above they were at a breastfeeding group and got anti formula comments. I mean come on!

If anyone here can show me a case where a company can stop you giving your baby a bottle because they don’t like it, please share.

The amount of posts on this thread that begin "I don't judge mothers who formula feed BUT" is laughable. Everything before the word "but" is always bullshit.

I formula fed two children. Through choice. Judge away!

Part of me thinks that barring medical/trauma reasons, woman should at least try it before deciding to formula feed. It is the most ideal food for baby after all. But then in reality, as long as the baby is fed and loved it’s no ones business where that food comes from (boob/bottle). So no I don’t judge how a woman chooses to feed her child. I breastfeed because I find it fairly straight forward but if I didn’t, if breastfeeding caused pain, or affected my mental health, then I absolutely wouldn’t hesitate to swap to formula and I’d feel zero guilt doing it.

"sterilising bottles and making up formula all while your baby is crying is a no from me!"

Right. It's exactly bullshit like this that the op is on about. Why on earth would she be sterilising bottles while her baby cried?

Of course there's a big difference! I don't know why people deny this! One is made for human babies, the other for calfs

I'm sorry, what? Formula is a breastmilk substitute for human babies, that has been made to include all of the nutrients human babies require, including omega 3 etc. It's actually nutritionally superior in some ways, ie it contains more iron than breast milk, a vegan;'s breastmilk will be lacking in omega 3 etc.

What it doesn't contain is immunoglobulins, but most of these are contained within the colostrum in the first few days.

It's opinions like yours that do the most damage to vulnerable mums, and it's complete nonsense!

"sterilising bottles and making up formula all while your baby is crying is a no from me!"

Right. It's exactly bullshit like this that the op is on about. Why on earth would she be sterilising bottles while her baby cried?

I don't exactly judge people, I know there are all sorts of genuine reasons for not bf. But I do feel sad that a lot of people give up too soon, and could have succeeded with it if they'd just stuck with it a bit longer. I feel sad for them because bf can be a lovely thing (once you get over the initial troubles) and also because it's so much easier and cheaper than formula feeding.

@edgeofheaven....It's not some looney old biddy though is it? Its hundreds of women, everytime there is a thread about breastfeeding the comments come out. It's almost a movement.

Some people are more organised than others. I can see how FF would better suit a mum who was organised and whose baby fed at predictable intervals and slept through from a young age.

Not judging anyone, so long as they don't judge me for breastfeeding simply because I was anxious about bottle feeding and knowing whether things had been sterilised properly, or how long milk would be safe for in a bottle if you went out, etc. Breast feeding just seemed infinitely simpler - particularly on aeroplane flights, as nobody made a fuss about whether I had more than 100ml of milk in my breasts. We all do what we think we can cope with...

@GunpowderGelatine 😂

Wtf? Formula isn't made for calves 😂

I have 2 children. My first baby I tried but breastfeeding & me & her just didn’t work - I went with happy baby happy mum so bottle feed ! 2nd time it all clicked into place more easily - Baby latched well, didn’t suffer from colic and wasn’t sick every time I fed, I felt at ease, so was able to breastfeed.

It took away my guilt from the first time around if that makes sense - just do what works and don’t spend anytime worrying about what others are thinking! To be honest we all just trying our best :)

@readingnc it is made from cow's milk. Which is a substance for calfs

It's entirely up to you what you do. Nobody else's opinions matter a jot. Some people love breastfeeding and it works for them. Others hate it and for various different reasons it doesn't work for them. It's important that you stop concentrating on what works for other people and tune in to what works for you. No-one else matters at this stage, just you and your baby and what makes both of you content.

Oh blow what other mothers think. You've done the best you can, your baby has gained some immunity from your colostrum which is very important. I daresay people will suggest expressing some milk and that is a good idea if you can (I did that because I had problems breast feeding), and you can alternate with that an formula with a view to going on to formula exclusively in due course.

Lots of people do bottle feed, HarryHarry, you're not going to be alone and, like yourself, many intend to breast feed but after a while they can't for one reason or another.

You must be true to yourself. If I had my time over again I'd combine feed from the start, better for my baby who didn't gain weight because of my attempts to breast feed. Great big strapping bloke he is now I'm glad to say and aways ate like a horse.

Do you mix with a lot of new mums? I didn't so I suppose that was helpful to me. My feeding was fairly private in the early stages.

Look after yourself. congratulations on your baby.

Nope, could not careless , didn't with my first , tried with second and didn’t like it.
Honestly couldn’t give a rats arse what anyone thought about me .
I don’t feel like I have “missed out” or any of that other piffle and both my kids are healthy and neither have allergies .
As long as your baby is fed ,that’s all that matters

It's actually nutritionally superior in some ways

Ok you keep telling yourself that.

Breastmilk is a natural live substance actually designed for human babies, nothing synthetic can rival that. It produces the exact amount of iron a baby needs because that's literally its only job

I bet the formula companies read this patting themselves on the back with how much nonsense people believe.

No, I do not have the right to judge another Mum neither does anyone else, exception being if a baby is generally uncared for but otherwise it's not mine or anyone else's business what choices another woman makes

No, it's none of my business

I certainly judge someone who didn't try. I'll admit to having rolled my eyes in a maternity ward at the sight of the mother of a literal newborn mixing up formula.

But if someone's given it a go, seriously, what's to judge? For some people it just doesn't work for whatever reason.

I exclusively breastfed one baby, entirely bottle fed another, and mostly bf with some bottles of formula the third. They are now all adults / teens, and you absolutely can’t tell the difference. I think bf is great, and I was really sad when I stopped feeding dc3, as I knew he was most likely my last. But my feelings give me no right to judge your feelings, and how you feed your baby is up to you.

@GunpowderGelatine *calves

I don’t judge, but actually feel that I get judged more for breastfeeding, especially past the 6 month mark.

I was sitting in a cafe feeding 6 month DS2 the other day and a woman nearby started loudly discussing how “back in the day” she’d had to breastfeed her child, but nowadays why would you bother as formula was made to be even better than breastmilk .

Breastmilk is best for baby but formula is good enough, and if attempting to breastfeed comes at the expense of the health (mental and physical) of the mother, it’s a no-brainer.

OP, you know what’s best for you and your baby. Arseholes will judge you whatever choices you make; just avoid/ignore them and enjoy your baby!

No I don't judge at all and I'm a mum of three children. I also wouldn't want to be friends with mums who do judge because this is just the start of parenting! Parenting is hard! If they judge you for this they will judge your other decisions.

Pretty much everything is hard with your first because you're on such a steep learning curve, you're bombarded with advice, you don't really know what you're doing and you want to be a good mum.

In a year from now whether you breastfed or not will be insignificant because you'll be on to the next set of challenges.

Do what is right for YOU! Choose whether you continue to breastfeed or not based on what works for YOU! Good mental health is so important.