Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

*I never have had the BF v FF debate IRL. Ever. seemingly it only happens in places like MN. And from what I see, breastfeeders very rarely judge formula feeders - but I really do think formula feeders judge themselves more than anyone else does.
*
I agree with this. I tried to EBF with DC1 but they were premature and had a severe tongue tie and I had to do mixed feeding because they just weren't gaining weight. Every time I got out a bottle in public (or at home, really) I felt guilty and awful. It wasn't anyone else judging me - often I was sat next to other parents bottle feeding - but it was all from myself.

I totally appreciate that even though breastmilk is of course the best option for babies all things being equal, I also understand that it's not when it's at the detriment of the mothers mental health or for whatever reasons the mother doesn't have the supply, and that formula will allow babies to thrive. Yet I still felt guilty. I'd never judge someone else who FFs, but I judged myself.

@edgeogheaven.....ahhh I now see from looking at your comment, much further down you start talking about an airline. My comment had nothing to do with that, I was commenting solely on what you said in your first paragraph about how you didn't know why ff parents felt got at by bf parents .

Judge? No.
Understand? Also no.
Fabulous lack of empathy.

Looking after your own mental health will be a huge help in coping with having a baby.

No way not at all. It’s formula milk, not poison!

I formula fed 3 and breastfed 1.

I breastfed all five of mine, most for a year, one to nine months. And I always said if I had another one I'd bottle feed. It was great, but very hard work, ALWAYS being the one the baby had to be with (I couldn't express, just didn't work for me).

I only judge those mothers who say that they bottle feed so they can get their figure back quickly. Everyone else can crack on and do what they like - by the age of about six you can't tell which children were breast fed and which were formula fed (unless the mother is still feeding, of course..)

If anyone deserves judgement it's the NHS for promoting BF in words but not action.

I can honestly say I don’t judge at all. I think it’s hard enough being a new mother without the additional pressure of breast feeding if you can’t or simply don’t want to. I see babies bottle fed and breast fed frequently in my area, and they all look cosy and content in the process. Personally I would like to give breast feeding a go when our little one comes along, but im keeping very open minded about whether or not it will even be an option when the time comes as we have a few hurdles against us already (medication/health related). I think it’s really sad when new mothers feel they have failed or are not good enough simply because of how they chose to feed their baby. Both methods have their own set of pros and cons and I think only the mammy knows what Is best for her and her baby at that time, I think if you can keep yourself and baby as happy and safe as possible you are doing a great job whichever way you choose to feed them.

I brestfed my first exclusively for 18 months, partly because I enjoyed it, partly because I felt I had to.

My second refused to latch completely, turns out he has a jaw misalignment. I pumped breastmilk for a few months and mixed fed.

Mixed fed child has slept better, been healthier and met his milestones earlier.

The benefits are breastfeeding are massively overstated. There is minimal evidence for any benefit. The reason it is recommended globally is due to the danger of feeding babies formula without clean water/sterilising.

There is much more evidence that poor maternal health in the first year HARMS children. Therefore, the best thing to do is whatever optimises your mental health. If breastfeeding is causing you to feel down, I'd stop in the best interests of your child.

Most people who follow the hardline 'Breast is best' stuff are ill informed, in my experience. I'm a doctor, and have seen people make themselves really ill putting themselves under so much pressure to breastfeed.

No. And I think that women who do are very odd. If someone started lecturing me about what I do with my tits I would say 'I'm backing away slowly, don't project your obsessions onto me you absolute weirdo'. Although I have to say I've only ever encountered this strangeness online and never in real life.

It does annoy me when people talk about it like its the difference between giving your child a can of coke, or a glass of water. There's really not that much difference .

Like another poster has said I don't fully understand why you wouldn't give it a go for the first few days of colostrum at least, provided there are no physical issues. However, I really couldn't care less, it's non of my business. I BF my first for 6 months and it was fairly straightforward, but my second was fussy, had reflux I got mastitis and I also had a toddler to look after, so he only got 2 weeks as it just wasn't working for me.

I don't judge but plenty will and the worst are often health professional.

I did both and the child who was bottle fed is far more robust than the breast fed one.

On my first I found bf really difficult and when I went on to bottles I was so much happier.

I have two children, i breastfed my first son for 16 months and my second for 5 months. If I ever have a third child I can't do it again because of how my husband behaved when I was BF my second - he completely sexualized breastfeeding, developed a fetish for it, grabbed and sucked on my boobs despite being told no numerous times and it got to a point where thanks to his behaviour it made me want to claw my skin off when the baby latched on.

Still want to judge if i have DC3 at some point and whip out a bottle?

I would certainly judge you if you had a 3rd DC with this creepy abusive weirdo.

My children are adults. I don't give a flying flamingo how anyone chooses to feed their children but I am happy and proud that I breastfed mine. Does anyone want to judge me for that?

If anyone deserves judgement it's the NHS for promoting BF in words but not action.

This.

I judge the fact that society has fetishised breasts to the point that their actual biological purpose gets frowned on. We're mammals ffs, what other mammals get judged for feeding their young the way they are designed to? Even the laws that are supposed to protect this are frequently flouted in the name of prudery.

This is the only part of the feeding debate that riles me. Formula vs BF is none of my business.

I EBF, my best friend FF and there's no judgement if anything we appreciate the positives and negatives of each way.
I also haven't come across any judgement towards FF although I know BF is constantly spoken about so can feel like it is being judged negatively.
Regardless of this I think the most important factor here is how you feel about it.
I enjoy EBF because of the bond and if you feel uncomfortable that is not fair on you.
Do what makes you happy, your child won't be going hungry.

No not at all!

I’ve done a mix of all, FF straight away and no colostrum for my eldest - felt incredibly guilty about that for such a long time but in reality I was a 20 year old single mum and emotionally incredibly down and vulnerable, I made what I thought was the best decision for em at the time.

With my second at 26 I BF for a week but very quickly gave up through lack of support, I felt formula was very pushed on to me and she was a very poorly baby so I just did what I was told in all honesty.

With my third (and final lol) at 28 I was determined to BF. I managed 8 weeks which in reality wasn’t that long but we contended with my emcs, severe blood loss, tongue tie, jaundice and hypothyroidism which effects breast milk production. In the end I just wasn’t producing enough and we just couldn’t fix his shallow latch so then I pumped round the clock but never got more than 10/15ml after double pumping for an hour. He lost 2lbs and I was a stressed, unhappy mum who really didn’t like her little baby very much.

When I introduced formula the relief was amazing, I could finally sit back and enjoy him without any worries, stress or exhaustion. I don’t feel my bond with any of them was different based on the way I was feeding them.

Moral of the very long story lol is do what makes you happy your MH is so important, you’ve tried and baby has had all the liquid gold so if you think formula is a better fit for your family then definitely make the switch! It’s hard when you worry about being judged which I sometimes still do but the majority of people don’t care or even notice how you’re feeding baby. I know I certainly don’t x

I didn't judge those that chose not to bf. But I did think that those that announced they were not breast feeding because they didnt want to were making themselves more work and faff than was necessary

Do what's best for you and your baby, and don't give a second thought to what other people might think. You've given it a go and if you can't carry on, you can't and that's that. Give yourself a break

It's nobody's business but your own.

I have never felt judged for FF by any person, including health professionals and other mums. I do however feel incredibly judged and inadequate by the breast is best WHO guidance as it only serves to make those of us who can't BF feel utterly shit and failures at a point when our hormones are raging.
Just as an example, the fact you can't input any promo code even if unrelated to the formula into checkout if formula is in your basket at many retailers makes me feel like my inability to BF is worse than smoking. Seriously.
I wanted to try, but following an EMCS I was hooked up to a medical grade breast pump in hospital for days to get my milk to come in. It never did. We persisted but for the sake of my mental health we stopped and I'm so glad we did.

There's really not that much difference

Of course there's a big difference! I don't know why people deny this! One is made for human babies, the other for calfs - nothing wrong with FF but don't pretend formula is close to breastmilk

The only ones I judge are the women who switch to formula for an easy life and have the attitude formula is just as good for baby.
For the first 6 weeks I felt like throwing the towel in, but that was because the toe curling pain was horrendous, but with the help of midwives (I was with midwife for 4 weeks because of little ones constant weight loss) the breastfeeding support group and my friend I perceivered and I'm still feeding him at 22 months, although I'm so desperate to stop now I'm knackered
Maybe try breastfeeding support groups? But If you really dont want to, for your own reasons dont feel bad you have tried your best and it's not working. No one gets a medal for breastfeeding and as long as your little one is well looked after and loved sod what anyone thinks.

Anyone who judges a mother for not breastfeeding is a colossal cunt who deserves a good kick in the head.

End of.

I mixed feed my DS and I’ll be honest when I was EBF I didn’t like it. Now I’m mixed feeding I enjoy BF much more as the pressure is off. If you want to carry on then give mixed feeding a go, I did because I felt too guilty to stop BF completely and it’s worked for me and my DS. If you want to stop BF, then stop! Formula is fine for a baby, lots of my friends don’t BF and there is no difference in our children in terms of development and how you feed your baby is not a concern for anyone else. I do NOT judge my friends who don’t BF at all, it’s not that much of a big deal, I found it so stressful to begin with I sort of think they’re the sensible ones who knew it wasn’t for them and didn’t give themselves grief over it!