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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Make them pay to visit us?

84 replies

ps1991 · 13/10/2019 19:45

We had our first baby this year and are struggling with how to manage visiting my mum at Christmas. I have always visited her on Boxing Day, and it’s always been pretty awful. Her house is really disgusting, mess and rubbish everywhere so you can barely sit down, damp everywhere, she never washes the backs of plates/outsides of baking dishes, and her and her husband both smoke. I have only been once since having the baby and it was for 10mins max, and I didn’t put him down at all. She is expecting us to go for the day, have dinner open presents etc. However I want her to visit us instead, but she doesn’t drive and we live 80 miles away. To visit would be my three siblings and her husband too which would be 5 of them on the train, or she would get another family members to bring a few of them. AIBU to say that we’re not wanting to travel to them but I’ll put on a nice dinner if they come to us? If not how do I tell her!

It’s her first grandchild.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 13/10/2019 19:47

Where's the part you make them pay?

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 13/10/2019 19:48

Can’t you go to one of the siblings home?

Original poster
ps1991 · 13/10/2019 19:49

They would have to pay for the train, or petrol for a lift. The train would be about £100 for all of them. My mum doesn’t work (no reason why not Angry) and her husband works part time so this is obviously a lot of money

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 13/10/2019 19:50

If she comes then surely she would stay the night? Do you have room to put up 5 people? Then a train is fine.
And how old are your siblings? Can’t they do some cleaning?

CAG12 · 13/10/2019 19:51

The title of this post isnt relevant. Have you just posted that to hook people in?

Original poster
ps1991 · 13/10/2019 19:51

We don’t have room for her to stay, she wouldn’t even think of staying. If we went to her we wouldn’t stay, we would go there and back in a day. My siblings are all teens and do ‘cleaning’ but they’ve learnt off my mum so it’s still gross! I didn’t live with her growing up and very rarely visited except on Boxing Day

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 13/10/2019 19:53

Perfectly fine not to want to travel at Christmas with a young baby. And surely if you visit them you pay travel costs? If you were feeling really generous you could offer to buy the train tickets as your gift to your mum?

JasonPollack · 13/10/2019 19:53

Calm down @CAG12

I think that's fine OP, very generous of you to offer to host with a baby! She won't expect to smoke inside at yours will she? I think you should be prepared for some pushback though, or for her not to come if shes a bit set in her ways.

gwackywacky · 13/10/2019 19:54

It's a baby not a precious lab sample that must not be contaminated, I think your child will be okay with a day in a messy house?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/10/2019 19:54

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for families to discuss where to hold Christmas- separately have you explained your issue with the state of her house and the baby? Does she want you to visit more ?

Aderyn19 · 13/10/2019 19:56

Lots of people do things differently when they have babies. It's okay to say that you are going to stay home. It's also okay to nicely say to your mum that it's dangerous to have a baby in an environment where people smoke and so you cannot stay.

WombatStewForTea · 13/10/2019 19:56

They aren't staying over but will yeh trains even be running Christmas day? And nobody is going to want to give them all a lift there and back on Christmas Day either.
Just say you want your first Christmas at home with the baby and you'll come and see them a different day

Leeds2 · 13/10/2019 19:58

Have you checked that there are actually trains on Boxing Day? I think there is usually only a very limited service.
Personally, I would stay at home and tell DM that you will visit them in the new year. Maybe offer to take them out for lunch as their Christmas present.

Original poster
ps1991 · 13/10/2019 20:01

She won’t smoke at my house and has visited once (lifts from family) since the baby was born and was really good and didn’t even smoke the day before, but obviously in her own home the smell is everywhere.

I know the baby will be fine in the mess, but it’s more the food hygiene that puts me off, the last time I went I managed to blag that we all eat off special Christmas theme paper plates that I’d bought because the thought of eating there really does turn my stomach so I definitely don’t want the baby eating there.

I didn’t think of paying for the train ticket as a gift, that might be a good idea!

I realise it sounds a bit stuck up of me and I’m not a total neat/clean freak myself, but it really is unbearable. Everything is sticky, there’s food stains down the living room walls, dirty washing everywhere, the toilet is all brown on the inside etc. 🤢

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 13/10/2019 20:01

FFS no way would I have a new born or any child in that environment OP. It sounds utterly disgusting. Say NO.

JasonPollack · 13/10/2019 20:02

Oh hush @gwackywacky go bake your camembert.

Third hand smoke is very dangerous for babies that is well known now. You want to be able to relax on Christmas not spend the whole time worrying about what the baby will pick up and eat.

Original poster
ps1991 · 13/10/2019 20:02

Also, if she visits I’ll suggest a day before Christmas, there shouldn’t then be an issue with the trains :)

OP posts:
maryberryslayers · 13/10/2019 20:06

There's no way I'd take a baby there.

You need to start a new tradition as it will be even worse in future when you have a toddler that puts everything they see in their mouth! Just say dc doesn't travel well and you'd really like to host.

GunpowderGelatine · 13/10/2019 20:08

OP I implore you to say "Just having a family Christmas for DA's first this year". You won't regret it. That many (seemingly unhelpful) people piling on you sounds like a miserable day

GunpowderGelatine · 13/10/2019 20:08

*DS

Original poster
ps1991 · 13/10/2019 20:14

I really like the idea of buying her a train ticket. I don’t think my siblings or her husband will be that bothered about visiting, so I’m thinking of just offering to buy her ticket (£50 just checked!!!) how do I go about telling her this?

She’s already bought loads of presents for ds so not seeing her at all isn’t really an option 🤔

OP posts:
Nanalisa60 · 13/10/2019 20:16

I think that you need to be truthful and tell your mum that she has to sort the house out if she wants you to bring her grandchild there!! Tell her now so she can do something about it!! Not two weeks before Christmas.

Ifyousayso2019 · 14/10/2019 00:00

Doing this is fine and gets you out of going, but it only postpones it to the next family event or invitation. What about when the baby is a bit older and she asks if he can come to stay ? The house sounds like an absolute state, have you never sat her and the rest of them down and said "wtf are you playing at keeping this house as a shithole?" . Unless she has major disabilities (which you've implied she doesn't given you state she can work but chooses not to), then there's no excuse to be living in an environment where there's food up the walls and nowhere to sit . They need to be told, teenagers included!

WhatTiggersDoBest · 14/10/2019 00:30

Sounds like this is a perfect year to start some Christmas traditions of your own. Anyway, it's not good for a baby to spend that long in a car seat so really if she wants to visit she should come to you but there's no need for everyone to visit at the same time unless they all really want to and you don't mind either.

Purpleartichoke · 14/10/2019 04:12

I would not bring a baby into a smoker’s home. Have them to your place or meet somewhere safe near them.